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Obama's post-election speech, the draft version

By Alexandra Petri

Hello, America. Wow. So that's how you're going to be, huh? Some election nights are more fun than others. When I say that, I mean, "You win on some election nights, and on other election nights, people take your feelings and jump on them in hobnailed boots."

Hobnailed. Weird word.

What do you want from me? Jobs? I'm not good at creating jobs! More than 60 of my friends and/or acquaintances just lost theirs, and that was after I traveled the country, listening to people and asking them to help. I may have even groveled a little. Me! The president of the United States! If that didn't work for them, I have no idea how to convince your boss to not outsource you. Maybe buy him a potted plant?

You want your paychecks to go farther. They are! You are mailing them to Washington! Kidding. Whoa. Sorry. Kidding. Jeez, just trying to lighten the mood here. It's a funereal. Who died? Liberty and my hopes for America's future? Sorry, another one of those jokes. I read an article in a policy monthly recently that said Americans enjoy jokes. Me, too!

I keep getting lost in this speech. I'm exhausted, like America's natural resources soon will be, under the new House leadership. That wasn't a joke, that was my opinion.

(Yawn.) Sorry, I had to stay up late and explain to Malia and Sasha that this wasn't a referendum on my leadership, and it took a while.

Where was I? Oh, right. Uh, congrats, you people. I'm sure we'll be able to work together great! I even called Boehner to congratulate him. Well, "congratulate" might be less the word than "breathe creepily into the phone for a long period of time, and then murmur something about death panels," but I think he got what I was aiming for.

Besides, nothing says, "I'm sure we'll be able to work well together" like "I have just spent the past few months traveling the country to try to prevent your being elected, sometimes using metaphors that involve cars!" We can collaborate, but don't try to drive, because I am not giving you the keys, no matter what the public thinks.

Look, no one party has a monopoly on wisdom. If we had a monopoly, we'd have put a hotel on it by now.

Never mind. Let's party!

By Alexandra Petri  | November 3, 2010; 5:27 PM ET
Categories:  Barack Obama, Petri, That's awkward  | Tags:  Barack Obama, parody  
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: Kanye West's Katrina outburst was 'worst moment' of Bush's presidency?
Next: Mulligans: The Bushism is back; Pelosi is still perfect; Bristol dances the election sidestep


Oh brother! Do you think you're fooling anyone with this fake, anti-Obamite column? No you're not. Everyone knows you're a card-carrying pusillanimous pussyfooting progressive.

And everyone knows you interview Obama with your knee-pads on, Alexandra Hussein Lewinski. If you were fair and balanced, you'd give me your stained blue dress for DNA testing.

I mean, Bill and Hillary are all over the news, and you haven't even written one villanelle about it. In Papua New Guinea, Hillary met with the chief of a previously undiscovered tribe of people, and found that he already knew two words of English: "Monica Lewinski!"

And how can you let Bill Clinton get away with wagging his finger every day on the campaign trail and not mention, "I did not have sex with THAT woman" even once?

Instead of writing a song about a dead, aqua-Buddhist, conservative octopus recipe, how about one like this:

West Side Lewinski

The most beautiful sound.. I've ever heard.
Monica Lewinski
Monica Lewinski, Monica Lewinski, knee pads.

Monica Lewinski
Say it loud and there's music playing.
Say it soft, and it's almost like DNA'ing.

So come on, Petri. Get off your knees, stop sucking up to Obama, and get on the Republican stick!

Posted by: divtune | November 4, 2010 10:03 AM | Report abuse

Correction -- Monica Lewinski's last name should have been spelled, "Lewinsky." We inadvertently used the Papua-New Guinean spelling, and their language doesn't have a "y." The Washington Post doesn't regret, or even give a "s" about the error.

Posted by: divtune | November 7, 2010 1:33 AM | Report abuse

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