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Posted at 2:43 PM ET, 11/24/2010

Thanks, but no Thanksgiving -- updates to the Other Side of the Coin

By Alexandra Petri

In the early years of the Internet, a series of thankful phrases circulated on the internet called "The Other Side of the Coin." You can read them here.

These are inspiring words! But say them today, and people scoff. The economy is broken! Everyone is depressed! So below, I have updated these lines to reflect how they might be rendered today:

I Am Thankful Not Thankful:

  • For the teenager who is not doing dishes but is watching TV, because that means he is at home and not on the streets because that means that he is part of our youth culture of distraction and lethargy.

  • For the taxes I pay, because it means that I am employed because it means that the tax code is broken.

  • For the mess to clean after a party, because it means that I have been surrounded by friends because it means that my friends have trashed my house and gone somewhere more interesting where they did not invite me.

  • For the clothes that fit a little too snug, because it means I have enough to eat because it means I am part of America's obesity epidemic.

  • For my shadow that watches me work, because it means I am out in the sunshine because it means I am being followed by an unidentified stranger.

  • For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing, because it means I have a home because it means that my house is in disrepair and likely to be foreclosed on because of my decisions during the housing bubble.

  • For all the complaining I hear about the government, because it means that we have freedom of speech because it means that I am active in the Tea Party.

  • For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot, because it means I am capable of walking, and that I have been blessed with transportation because it means that they did not really think it through when they were placing the Handicapped Parking.

  • For my huge heating bill, because it means I am warm because it means the price of oil is rising and America is becoming a debtor nation.

  • For the lady behind me in my place of worship when she sings off key, because it means that I can hear because it means that I might have perfect pitch, and that will make the rest of my life miserable.

  • For the pile of laundry and ironing, because it means I have clothes to wear because it means that women's lib has failed to reach me.

  • For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day, because it means I have been capable of working hard because it means the TSA probably did something wrong.

  • For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours, because it means that I am alive because it might mean that my house is on fire.

  • For too much e-mail, because it means I have friends who are thinking of me because it means that my spam filter is not working properly.

By Alexandra Petri  | November 24, 2010; 2:43 PM ET
Categories:  Bad Advice, Only on the Internet, Petri, Top Lists  | Tags:  Thanksgiving, parody  
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   Del.icio.us   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: I miss telemarketers -- and, soon, land-line pollsters
Next: Top reasons newsmakers past and present have to be thankful

Comments

I'm thankful that you write this column because it has provided me with many good laughs, new insights, and new ways of thinking.

On the other side of the coin, I'm thankful for all the comments for the same reasons.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Posted by: divtune | November 24, 2010 4:56 PM | Report abuse

Lame. I'm thankful I wasted only 2 minutes perusing this gar-baje.

Posted by: rpcv84 | November 24, 2010 5:40 PM | Report abuse

To rpcv84:

Thank you for sharing.

Posted by: divtune | November 25, 2010 3:04 PM | Report abuse

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