Top reasons newsmakers past and present have to be thankful
Pilgrims: We're thankful we made it through another year.
Sarah Palin: I am thankful for our North Korean Allies.
Birther: I'm thankful the president hasn't shown me his birth certificate yet, adding an air of mystery that gives my life meaning and value.
President Obama: I'm thankful that, given our approval ratings, no one has put Michelle and myself on that CanDoBetter.com site.
Dust Bowl Worker: I'm thankful no economic collapse remotely parallel to this one will ever again strike our great nation.
TSA: I'm thankful to have given punch lines to hack comics and regular comics across the country!
Barbara Bush: I'm thankful that this Fetus in a Jar story didn't get blown out of proportion or anything.
George W. Bush: I'm thankful that Kanye no longer thinks I am racist. That is probably the thing I am most thankful for in the course of my whole life, including the birth of my daughters.
Bristol Palin: I am thankful that the man who shot his television when he saw me on Dancing with the Stars is behind bars now.
Jimmy McMillan: I am NOT thankful. Why? Do you hear that? Someone's child's stomach just growled. Why? Because the rent is too damn high.
BP: What would we have to be thankful for? Nothing seriously bad happened. If anything, the gulf is cleaner now. Maybe you should apologize for shaking us down.
Brett Favre: I am thankful that the TSA already knows everything it needs to know about me.
Health-care Reform: I am thankful that I am still alive. So far.
Charles Rangel: I am thankful
for the drop of fairness and mercy that nobody seems to know what censure means.
Chilean Miners: We are thankful to be an underground group that still has loyal fans after breaking out.
Glenn Beck: I am thankful for everything, but not thankful enough that I am not simultaneously angry and crying. America is broken.
Turkey: I am thankful to have been pardoned in spite of the fact that before coming to this farm, I was an arsonist.
Inception: I am thankful for you watching me being thankful for you watching me being thankful for you watching me being WHAT'S GOING ON? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON!
Prince William: I am thankful that I found an attractive, understanding wife before my hairline receded completely.
Iceland Volcano: I am thankful that I'm essentially the Justin Bieber of natural phenomena; nobody knew who I was last year, and then I totally rocked their worlds!
"Ground Zero Mosque": I am thankful that I am not really any of the things that my name implies.
Koran Burning Guy: I am thankful for nothing! Give me back my Koran!
John Edwards: I am thankful that thanks to Levi Johnston, I am only the second most-disliked politician in America.
Al Gore: I am thankful that people forgot about that whole masseuse thing.
Mark Zuckerberg: I'm thankful that OF COURSE my life is NOTHING like The Social Network! Nothing! Would the guy in The Social Network donate $100 million to Newark public schools? Well, yes, but that's the only way that we're alike. Look, Facebook Messages!
Nancy Pelosi: I am thankful that we passed the bill so I could see what was in it. I'm thankful that I still have some trace amount of power, which is the only thing keeping me alive after thousands of years. I'm thankful that I can feel my face. Wait, I thought this was "Two Thanks and a Lie."
Christine O'Donnell: I don't know. What are YOU thankful for?
John McCain: I'm glad I'm not in charge of this mess so I can spend more time connecting with Snooki on Twitter.
Gay Soldier: I'm thankful that I get to serve my country openly -- wait, I'm sorry, I mean, "I'm thankful for my spouse of unspecified gender, and this Army Caffeine Gum, which is delicious."
Me: I am thankful that my editor probably removed that last joke. [Editor's note: You're welcome, Alex.]
Juan Williams: I'm thankful that now everyone is as terrified to go to airports as I am, although it's for slightly different reasons.
Steven Slater: I'm thankful that the white lights lead to red lights which indicate an -- You know what? I have had it. That's it. That's it. I've had it. So long!
Leslie Johnson: I'm thankful for the WORLD'S LARGEST BRA!
Garfield: I'm thankful for the service of all our nation's stupids.
Daily Beast/Newsweek Merger: I'm just thankful not to be called the Beastly Week.
Lisa Murkowski: I am thankful that people can spell my name. And, frankly, amazed.
What I'm thankful for is faith that keeps believin' What? It was on the Internet, so I thought it was public domain.
What I'm thankful for is hope beyond despair
If my treasure lies in givin' not receivin'
Then I never ask for more
Than what I'm thankful for.
| November 24, 2010; 2:52 PM ET
Categories: Petri, Top Lists, Worst Things Ever | Tags: Thanksgiving, Twas The Night Before, turkey
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