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Posted at 2:52 PM ET, 11/24/2010

Top reasons newsmakers past and present have to be thankful

By Alexandra Petri

turkeyy.jpg

Pilgrims: We're thankful we made it through another year.

Sarah Palin: I am thankful for our North Korean Allies.

Birther: I'm thankful the president hasn't shown me his birth certificate yet, adding an air of mystery that gives my life meaning and value.

President Obama:
I'm thankful that, given our approval ratings, no one has put Michelle and myself on that CanDoBetter.com site.

Dust Bowl Worker: I'm thankful no economic collapse remotely parallel to this one will ever again strike our great nation.

TSA: I'm thankful to have given punch lines to hack comics and regular comics across the country!

Barbara Bush: I'm thankful that this Fetus in a Jar story didn't get blown out of proportion or anything.

George W. Bush:
I'm thankful that Kanye no longer thinks I am racist. That is probably the thing I am most thankful for in the course of my whole life, including the birth of my daughters.

Bristol Palin: I am thankful that the man who shot his television when he saw me on Dancing with the Stars is behind bars now.

Jimmy McMillan:
I am NOT thankful. Why? Do you hear that? Someone's child's stomach just growled. Why? Because the rent is too damn high.

BP: What would we have to be thankful for? Nothing seriously bad happened. If anything, the gulf is cleaner now. Maybe you should apologize for shaking us down.

Brett Favre: I am thankful that the TSA already knows everything it needs to know about me.

Health-care Reform: I am thankful that I am still alive. So far.

Charles Rangel: I am thankful for the drop of fairness and mercy that nobody seems to know what censure means.

Chilean Miners: We are thankful to be an underground group that still has loyal fans after breaking out.

Glenn Beck: I am thankful for everything, but not thankful enough that I am not simultaneously angry and crying. America is broken.

Turkey:
I am thankful to have been pardoned in spite of the fact that before coming to this farm, I was an arsonist.

Inception:
I am thankful for you watching me being thankful for you watching me being thankful for you watching me being WHAT'S GOING ON? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON!

Prince William: I am thankful that I found an attractive, understanding wife before my hairline receded completely.

Iceland Volcano:
I am thankful that I'm essentially the Justin Bieber of natural phenomena; nobody knew who I was last year, and then I totally rocked their worlds!

"Ground Zero Mosque": I am thankful that I am not really any of the things that my name implies.

Koran Burning Guy: I am thankful for nothing! Give me back my Koran!

John Edwards: I am thankful that thanks to Levi Johnston, I am only the second most-disliked politician in America.

Al Gore: I am thankful that people forgot about that whole masseuse thing.

Mark Zuckerberg:
I'm thankful that OF COURSE my life is NOTHING like The Social Network! Nothing! Would the guy in The Social Network donate $100 million to Newark public schools? Well, yes, but that's the only way that we're alike. Look, Facebook Messages!

Nancy Pelosi:
I am thankful that we passed the bill so I could see what was in it. I'm thankful that I still have some trace amount of power, which is the only thing keeping me alive after thousands of years. I'm thankful that I can feel my face. Wait, I thought this was "Two Thanks and a Lie."

Christine O'Donnell:
I don't know. What are YOU thankful for?

John McCain:
I'm glad I'm not in charge of this mess so I can spend more time connecting with Snooki on Twitter.

Gay Soldier:
I'm thankful that I get to serve my country openly -- wait, I'm sorry, I mean, "I'm thankful for my spouse of unspecified gender, and this Army Caffeine Gum, which is delicious."

Me: I am thankful that my editor probably removed that last joke. [Editor's note: You're welcome, Alex.]

Juan Williams: I'm thankful that now everyone is as terrified to go to airports as I am, although it's for slightly different reasons.

Steven Slater: I'm thankful that the white lights lead to red lights which indicate an -- You know what? I have had it. That's it. That's it. I've had it. So long!

Leslie Johnson: I'm thankful for the WORLD'S LARGEST BRA!

Garfield: I'm thankful for the service of all our nation's stupids.

Daily Beast/Newsweek Merger: I'm just thankful not to be called the Beastly Week.

Lisa Murkowski: I am thankful that people can spell my name. And, frankly, amazed.

Cooks Source:
What I'm thankful for is faith that keeps believin'
What I'm thankful for is hope beyond despair
If my treasure lies in givin' not receivin'
Then I never ask for more
Than what I'm thankful for.
What? It was on the Internet, so I thought it was public domain.

By Alexandra Petri  | November 24, 2010; 2:52 PM ET
Categories:  Petri, Top Lists, Worst Things Ever  | Tags:  Thanksgiving, Twas The Night Before, turkey  
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   Del.icio.us   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: Thanks, but no Thanksgiving -- updates to the Other Side of the Coin
Next: Tom 'The Hammer' DeLay is convicted of money laundering?

Comments

I'm thankful that you get to publish this list only once a year.

Posted by: rpcv84 | November 24, 2010 5:36 PM | Report abuse

What petty partisan tripe. No wonder they hooked her up with Milbank. Utter crap.

Posted by: clydle | November 24, 2010 7:18 PM | Report abuse

I am thankful that America has woken from it's stupor and elected a conservative government from the state level to the federal.

I will be thankful in 2012 when America finishes the job and we can put the liberal progressive nonsense behind us for good.

Posted by: Straightline | November 24, 2010 7:23 PM | Report abuse

The GOP, RNC and Tea Party to keep election promise, force Obama to prove he is a U.S. Citizen or Impeach him? Obama, Palosi, Reid and Biden may make the history books for High Treason? It is now clear Obama is hidding his real long form birth certificate but an Expert says he found it, it's a Kenyan long form? The Kenyan document has the delivering doctors signature along with Obama's father and mother and a foot print of the young Obama? The Expert went on to say Obama's social security number belongs to a dead man from Conneticut? Obama has now spent $1.7 million on keeping this from the public, must be pretty important that the secret not get out? They are calling it the PUPPET TROJAN HORSE PRESIDNECY with George Sorros pulling the strings on Obama?

Posted by: Richie5 | November 24, 2010 8:41 PM | Report abuse

The GOP, RNC and Tea Party to keep election promise, force Obama to prove he is a U.S. Citizen or Impeach him? Obama, Palosi, Reid and Biden may make the history books for High Treason? It is now clear Obama is hidding his real long form birth certificate but an Expert says he found it, it's a Kenyan long form? The Kenyan document has the delivering doctors signature along with Obama's father and mother and a foot print of the young Obama? The Expert went on to say Obama's social security number belongs to a dead man from Conneticut? Obama has now spent $1.7 million on keeping this from the public, must be pretty important that the secret not get out? They are calling it the PUPPET TROJAN HORSE PRESIDNECY with George Sorros pulling the strings on Obama?

Posted by: Richie5 | November 24, 2010 8:41 PM | Report abuse

#####################################

I'm thankful that I am not as loony as Richie

Posted by: maggots | November 24, 2010 11:08 PM | Report abuse

Alex - Best bunch of one-liners ever! Richie5 and I especially liked this one:

“Birther: I'm thankful the president hasn't shown me his birth certificate yet, adding an air of mystery that gives my life meaning and value.”

But why did you have to remind me of Al Gore’s “massage”? My name is Divtune, and I’m a Googaholic. So it’s bottoms up, Al Gore!

Clicking your Gore link led me to the “gory” British tabloid “The Telegraph”, whose front page headline is, “Gang prowled streets hunting teen rape victims.” Now that’s me favorite bloody paper, Gov’nah.

My favorite paper also informed me that during his massage, Al Gore behaved like a “crazed sex poodle.” Now my wife had a poodle that used to hump my leg occasionally, but that wasn’t too bad. So what’s the problem?

Another headline stated that “Larry David's ex-wife denies Al Gore affair,” which actually means, “Sex Poodle humps Larry David’s ex-wife.” Now, it sounds like Al is having some “bimbo eruptions”.

The masseuse (sex poodle humpee) “insisted she was not interesting in making money from the case as she did not want to be labeled a gold digger." But then, “she reportedly sold her story to the National Enquirer magazine for $1 million (£667,000).”

So I went to the National Enquirer site and discovered that Mr. (sex poodle) Gore left behind a “stain” on the masseuse’s blue dress, I mean blue jeans (which she didn’t allow Tom Delay to launder). Enquiring minds want to know the results of the DNA testing on the stain, but that’ll cost you a few pounds sterling.

It almost makes me glad that George Bush stole the 2000 election. At least we didn’t have to sit through Al Gore’s impeachment hearings!

Posted by: divtune | November 25, 2010 4:26 AM | Report abuse

The Washington Post writers may think that Obama can run for office again and not provide the American public with his long form birth certificate is just DEAD WRONG? The American public in the last election showed we will not be denied. Obama has spent millions of dollars hidding his real birth certificate but even my dog spot knows Obama is an illegal alien??????

Posted by: Richie5 | November 25, 2010 11:21 AM | Report abuse

You go Richie5! I'm glad your life still has meaning and value. Keep up the good fight.

I once asked a woman, who was sure that the FBI, CIA, and NSA were following her, how she would feel if she found out that it wasn't true. She said she would have to question ALL her beliefs, and that life wouldn't be worth living any more.

So maybe your dog, Spot, is barking up the wrong tree... but at least he's still barking.

Posted by: divtune | November 25, 2010 1:40 PM | Report abuse

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