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Posted at 4:30 PM ET, 11/19/2010

Top 12 Things to say to your TSA scanner

By Alexandra Petri

I am about to get on a plane!

I'm excited, because it has been a while since I had this kind of action, and the last time was two years ago on a D.C. bus, when someone was attempting to take my wallet.
Sure, other people have complained about the TSA pat-downs, from the "Don't Touch My Junk" moment with John Tyner earlier this week to the outcry from Charles Krauthammer this morning. Some are even pushing for National Opt-Out Day!

In light of all this, here are some things I encourage you to say to the TSA employee during your scan, just to make him feel as uncomfortable as you do, even though he is probably only doing his job. (Although this period is probably like Mardi Gras for random individuals who want to wear slimming blue ensembles and touch strangers.)

  1. Would you prefer I said that this was a lethal explosive or that I was just happy to see you?
  2. I've got some baggage in my pants that's been left unattended.
  3. I haven't felt this violated since I read the passage of George W. Bush's book that described the fetus in the jar.
  4. Do you know what censure means? Yeah, me neither.
  5. If you were a member of the Nixon family, you'd be Pat. You know, because of the pats.
  6. If you were an 80's-era female singer, you'd be Pat Benatar. You know, because of the pats.
  7. If you were a member of the Jackson family, you'd be Michael. You know, because of the...
  8. Have you ever seen "The Crying Game"?
  9. You'd think if they were going to make this required, they would at least legalize smoking on board airplanes afterwards.
  10. So, do you come here often?
  11. Is this a bad time to tell you I have this rare condition where if anyone touches a specific dime-sized area of my upper thigh, I make the bond with him for life? I'm part Avatar on my mother's side.
  12. If you touch my junk, I will have you arrested.

Any suggestions?

By Alexandra Petri  | November 19, 2010; 4:30 PM ET
Categories:  Petri, That's awkward, Top Lists, Worst Things Ever  | Tags:  TSA, Too soon?, airplanes  
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   Del.icio.us   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: The Gettysburg Address -- by George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Sarah Palin
Next: Mulligans: TSA puts out 'feelers,' Jimmy Carter reveals killer rabbit details

Comments

Great satire video on youtube of TSA security & airline passenger confrontation:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbDH8zmKlDQ

Posted by: HiSpeed | November 19, 2010 5:38 PM | Report abuse

You’re really racking up the frequent flyer miles with this TSA story. As Jay Leno says, “It’s Friday. All jokes must go.” But I’m always game for another inning.
===
If you DON’T touch my junk I’ll have you arrested.

Watch your back. I have an over-sized package.

Watch your back. I have a poorly behaved package.

Wait a minute. I said …I… play with the Sex Pistols

Wait a minute. I need to shut my eyes and think of Petri.

I hope you practice safe groping.

Go ahead. Have a ball.

Don’t worry. It’s just Kleenex.

I sure hope you don’t have to open my sack.

Just don’t tell me it’s like looking for a needle in a ball sack.

If you’re hungry, you can have my salami.

If ComPost had a moderator, I’d lose my salami.

Let’s stop with the hatin and get with the masturbatin*
===
*From Willow Palin’s Facebook snit, Page 5, 5th from bottom
“Imran___ Ahhhhh let’s stop with the hatin and get with the masturbatin lol.”
http://tmz.vo.llnwd.net/o28/newsdesk/tmz_documents/1116_palin.pdf

Posted by: divtune | November 19, 2010 8:08 PM | Report abuse

Thanks for the link, HiSpeed. I love those text to movie videos. Too bad they haven't added an "groping" option.

Posted by: divtune | November 19, 2010 9:01 PM | Report abuse

I'll give you half an hour to stop that!

Posted by: zandb | November 19, 2010 11:09 PM | Report abuse

Gosh, it must be rough having to do such a degrading, humiliating job. Y'all are heroes!

Posted by: purky | November 20, 2010 5:57 PM | Report abuse

I wish it were funny. Abusive, pedophile, God-complex TSA agents, yet another violation of our rights. Add it to the list of gov’t violations of our right:
They violate the 1st Amendment by placing protesters in cages, banning books like “America Deceived II” and censoring the internet.
They violate the 2nd Amendment by confiscating guns.
They violate the 4th and 5th Amendment by molesting airline passengers.
They violate the entire Constitution by starting undeclared wars for foreign countries.
Impeach Obama and sweep out the Congress, except Ron Paul.
(Last link of Banned Book):
http://www.iuniverse.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-000190526

Posted by: reader11722 | November 20, 2010 6:05 PM | Report abuse

To make America safe, all Flights from/out to the free World should be handled to Canadian/Mexican border airports.

Means no Americans abroad, no Dollar, none of these disgusting murder culture America represents and Americans can feel safe as they are already living in a concentration camp without any culture real food but with lots of Walmart junk.

Go home, stay home Ami - stay out of the free World.

Posted by: holocaustgaza | November 20, 2010 8:39 PM | Report abuse

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