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Twas the night before midterms

Twas the night before midterms and all through the House
Not a creature was stirring -- no human-brained mouse
The chads were all hung from the ballots with care
In the hope that the recounters soon would be there

The GOP nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of '94 danced in their heads
And Democrats cowered before Palin's tweets
And worried about Clinton-era repeats.

And snug, but not wearing a kerchief or turban,
The Prez lay reflecting on Leader Dick Durbin.
When out on the Mall there arose such a noise
Like a gay pride parade (but with slightly more poise)

That before that guy running for Gov against Cuomo
(That's Carl Paladino) could cry out "No Homo!"
And before you could say "NPR's sacked you, Juan"
The whole gang rushed out to ask what had gone on.

Was it Harry Reid? Had he "manned up," as 'twas said?
Was it Boxer? Had she started running ahead?
Was Palin endorsing new candidates' bids?
Was it Dodson? Should we hide our wives and our kids?

(And surely it couldn't be Alvin M. Greene
The yeti whom no non-believers have seen
Nor could it be that one New York-dwelling guy
Who said it -- six words: The Rent Is Too Damn High!?)

Were they Tea Party types? Had they come from Wisconsin?
And did they support Mr. Feingold -- or Johnson?

We didn't quite know, and it made us feel queasy
Would there be an upset like Gray's win in D.C.?
Eighty new pairs of feet pacing Capitol floors?
Would they be what Brown aides would refer to as -- bores?

Who was surging out there? Were they bringing back honor?
Was it a new party more fun than the Donner?
Was the Tea Party there? Or was it Fiorina?
Or was it some new girl Dowd thought even meaner?

Could it be O'Donnell? Or was it Chris Coons?
It seemed 'twas a crowd, bearing letters and runes
Would it be Frank with us? Was it, in fact, Barney?
Did it have some message? Or was it just blarney?

It wasn't quite clear, no one quite seemed aware
At the head of the crowd was a comedy pair
And they said that they'd come to D.C. to restore
Sanity -- in response, the whole crowd gave a roar.

No! That was a flashback from Halloween eve!
So what was this new crowd? When would these people leave?
Was it all going wrong? Had the process just broken
What were these strange words that the people had spoken?

We looked and we realized with horror and awe
That this was America voting we saw
They had made their decisions and each picked a horse
And the next day would show us the Congress's course.

But not just the folks who had registered yet
This was everyone voting, to leave no regret!
There was turnout galore! And no voice went unheard
Then we woke up. It all was a dream -- and absurd.

We went back to bed. Were we feeling so lucky?
We prayed to the Buddha who lives in Kentucky
Sure, the voters would come, and the voters would go
And we still would be glad that we weren't Mexico.*

We returned to our newses (CNN and FOXes)
We readied our votes for the right ballot boxes
And absentee ballots, the kind that you mail in
We sent (in agreement, or not, with Gov. Palin.)

Yet we sighed, for a moment, with sighing progressive
If only important things were more impressive!
'Tis Democracy's dream that reality mars!
More were voting for Bristol to Dance with the Stars.

*Apologies to Mexico, which I hear is a nice place, except for the recent spate of drug-related killings.

By Alexandra Petri  | November 1, 2010; 6:42 PM ET
Categories:  From bad to verse, Petri, Tea Party  | Tags:  Sarah Palin, Twas The Night Before, voting  
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Next: The last mulligans for Christine O'Donnell and Alvin Greene?

Comments

Alexandra,

On June 23, 1993, Ginsu knife saleswoman Lorena Bobbit drove off with half her husband's "manhood," thus giving rise to the term, "man up," which now will forever define Harry Reid.

Thus began the porno career of John Wayne Bobbit, whose films graphically demonstrated that he was no longer half a man, thanks to the remarkable skills of surgeons Sehn and Berman (now Reid campaign staffers).. but I digress.

Shortly after said incident, Washington Post columnist Tony Kornheiser penned a column so funny that I dislocated my entire rib cage from laughing.. which finally brings me to my point.

Since I started reading your columns, my old rib injury is acting up again. I'm not sure I would survive if you were to write a column on Lorena Bobbit. Please have mercy.

Posted by: divtune | November 2, 2010 3:51 AM | Report abuse

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