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Posted at 4:18 PM ET, 12/ 1/2010

A Hanukkah (Chanukah?) 2010 wish from your goy best friend

By Alexandra Petri


Happy, Ch--Han--Han?- Hanukkah!

I have to admit -- I'm a goy.

I don't celebrate Hanukkah, but to compensate, I refer to Christmas as "that holiday when we non-Jews get together to celebrate being passed over by Santa."

Technically, I don't need to write on this today, because there are 6 more days--and seven additional nights! (I am well-informed about this holiday, mostly from the Hanukkah song, as well as from my hobby, lurking around synagogues in the hopes that the people who give out successful comedy careers will come by and seize me by mistake, and my other hobby, dating nice Jewish boys that I meet while standing outside synagogues for hours on end.)

Still, every year I participate in the time-honored Goy tradition of horrifically, horrendously mis-overpronouncing the name of this holiday. "Have a beautiful Chhhhanununkah," I tell 40% of my friends. They inch away, thinking I am trying to cough up a hairball.

I don't speak Yiddish. I was once described as a shiksa, which I thought was something you were discouraged from having if you were Jewish because of its origins and the fact that it was usually served on a stick. I was only half right. Sometimes I say "Oy," but I'm never convinced that I'm using it right. I love latkes, but I worry that the politically correct term these days might be Potato Pancake Americans. I've never been to a bris, but I've been to a baptism, which is like a bris, but with more baby. I enjoyed the Old Testament so much that I read the (apparently unauthorized?) sequel. I went to a couple of Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, which are essentially Semisweet 13s! I've never danced the hora, but I know it was important because that guy in Heart of Darkness mentions it twice before keeling over and dying.

Recently I read with horror Matisyahu's complaint that there are too many Christmas songs written by Jewish songwriters and not enough Hanukkah songs. But this made me realize that the need was so great, even non-Jewish writers should try to write Hanukkah songs to help make up the gap. So here's my stab, a nod to the centuries-old Goy tradition of horrifically mispronouncing the name of this festival of lights.

(to the tune of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, written by a Jewish songwriter)
Now, look, I'm not a Jew
But I'm also no critic
I hope my child's Aunties are all Semitic
And so here's my holiday wish
If you're a Jew or even Jewish...

Have a great Chhh - nu - sorry
You know what - the holiday
Although I can't pronounce it
You know what I want to say.

Please have a great Han--Shot first?
That day when you get the gelt
And your folks bring out the dreidel
And latkes make you pop your belt.

Sorry you're in Starbucks hearing
Little Drummer Boy
But it would sound just as bad
If you had been born a goy...

Anyway, have a good one
Sorry for the name mistake
Here's a gift I hope's kosher
But you can't tell with fruitcake.

By Alexandra Petri  | December 1, 2010; 4:18 PM ET
Categories:  Epic Failures, From bad to verse, Petri, That's awkward  | Tags:  Hanukkah, apologies, holidays  
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Learn exciting facts about Hanukah here:

Posted by: GCHRV | December 2, 2010 2:54 AM | Report abuse

Mazel tov for this Ccccchhhanuka mitvah by the goyishe shiksa. It gave me so much nachas I could poke your pupik and pinch your tuchas.

You don’t like being called a shiksa? As Norma Rae used to say, “Kavayitch, kavayitch, kavayitch.” If you think shiksa on a stick is trayf, how do you think I feel being called a shagitz?

I always like to be your first comment, but I discovered someone else beat me to it today. Then I realized that their comment is something I’ve never seen before… Kosher spam!

Posted by: divtune | December 2, 2010 9:36 AM | Report abuse

אתה הכי טוב

Posted by: divtune | December 2, 2010 9:42 AM | Report abuse

A great video on Chanukah !!!

Posted by: emunadate | December 2, 2010 10:18 AM | Report abuse

Online Dating Tips !!

Posted by: emunadate | December 2, 2010 12:15 PM | Report abuse

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