Network News

X My Profile
View More Activity
Posted at 4:20 PM ET, 12/29/2010

Dogs, Michael Vick and bow ties -- the world of Tucker Carlson

By Alexandra Petri

tucker.jpg

"I'm a Christian, I've made mistakes myself, I believe fervently in second chances," Tucker Carlson said recently. "But Michael Vick killed dogs, and he did in a cruel, heartless way. Personally, I think he should've been executed for that."

This was in response to President Obama's reportedly praising the Eagles for giving Vick a second chance.

Maybe I can make this make sense, because I am with him until the part where he says Michael Vick should be executed.

So here is how I picture this thought process:

I can't believe President Obama congratulated the Eagles for giving Vick a second chance.

Allow someone who committed an admittedly heinous act to serve his debt to society and be rehabilitated? Are you kidding me? Sounds like someone doesn't understand how the prison system is supposed to work. I have no idea why that Small Wayne person is out on the streets.

I will never go to jail, because I wear bow ties, and you know what they do to guys like that: acquit them. I'm not afraid of prison; it's just that I know I won't be allowed to wear a bow tie there, and without my tie, no one respects me. (I haven't worn it for the past several years, and I assume that is why I have gotten such a limited amount of respect, with people yelling horrible things at me and taking away my TV show.)

But somehow, the discussion of my remarks has revolved around bow ties. Everyone on Twitter is making horrible, horrible jokes about them that really hurt my feelings. Sure, they're my trademark, but that's only because nobody else wears them who is under seventy.

Still, since everyone is talking about them, I want to take a moment to speak in their defense.

I love bow ties. If you asked me what the great romance of my life has been, I would say my wife. But if you asked me again and my wife was out of earshot, I would tell you the truth: bow ties.

A bow tie creates a mystery around you. It says, "Hi, I am definitely Episcopalian." It says, "I could be a weatherman." It says, "I'm that guy who reads the winning lotto numbers, and later I might want to sell you a waterbed." It says, "No matter what I am talking about, it is not a subject in which I have any expertise."

David Sedaris wrote that a bow tie announces to the world that you can no longer hold an erection. That shows what David Sedaris knows. A bow tie says you're really masculine, because when most people glance in the mirror and see that they are wearing bow ties, they succumb to paralyzing depression. So to wear one every day is actually a demonstration of tremendous strength.

Whew! I guess I have to stop talking about bow ties for a second and get back on track. Michael Vick. At first, I didn't have a dog in this fight, because I don't believe in having dogs in fights, ever. I know, I know -- Barack Obama has a dog, so I should oppose dogs, but it's not that simple.

I have to come out in favor of the dogs here, because dogs look adorable in bow ties. I found at least sixteen separate images of dogs in bow ties by conducting a routine image search online. Contrast this to Michael Vick. I couldn't find a single picture of him in a bow tie, and I went to the third or fourth page of Bing Image Search results. I use Bing because it is the search engine name that would be most likely to wear a bow tie if it were a person.

Just so we're clear on this point, here is a list of things that I like: Bow ties. Dogs. Dogs in bow ties. America. Dogs in bow ties with pictures of dogs wearing bow ties with pictures of dogs wearing bow ties. (M. C. Escher, eat your heart out!) If the earth were about to be destroyed by the wrath of God as punishment for allowing Obamacare to pass, and God gave me the opportunity to save Michael Vick, Barack Obama, or a dog wearing a bow tie, I think we know what I would choose, and I think America would thank me.

I forgot what I was saying because I was imagining a bow tie wearing a bow tie, and it was so beautiful that I began to cry a little bit.

When we have neighborhood beautification days, I go around tying bow ties on tree boxes, stray cats, and the deserving poor. When I heard about the dog fights for which Michael Vick was responsible, my first reaction was to call my lawyer. "Bow tie," I said (Bow Tie is my nickname for everyone I love, because those are the two most beautiful syllables in the English language), "can you donate all my money to a charitable foundation that will rescue those Vick dogs and put bow ties on them so they can learn to dream again?" "No," Bow Tie said.

So I'm supporting dogs here. It's not the size of the dog in the fight. It's the size of the Michael Vick standing next to that dog forcing it to battle other dogs.

Because I trust you, I am going to let you in on a little secret: I am always wearing a bow tie. Even when it looks like I am wearing a regular tie, I have hidden a bow tie somewhere on my person, for luck. Bow ties would be my kryptonite, if kryptonite made you feel stronger and more virile.

If airport security patted you down to see if you were hiding bow ties everywhere on your body that a bow tie could be hidden, I would never be allowed to board a plane again.

If wearing more than one bow tie at a time, all the time, makes me a strange, has-been, occasional Fox commentator who only attracts attention by saying blatantly idiotic things to gin up controversy, then I don't want to be not that.

I know, sometimes Barack Obama wears a bow tie. But he never looks like his heart's in it. That upsets me, probably more than any of his policies so far.

The only thing that will change my mind is if you were to bring me a picture of Michael Vick wearing a bow tie and really working it. But I don't believe he could.

By Alexandra Petri  | December 29, 2010; 4:20 PM ET
Categories:  Epic Failures, Petri, Reality? Television  | Tags:  Fox News, bow ties, parody  
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   Del.icio.us   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: Kennedy Center Honors -- Oprah, Paul McCartney, being and doing
Next: Explanations for the Christine O'Donnell FBI investigation

Comments

Tucker Carlson told Salon in 2003 that he was against the death penalty. I wonder what changed his mind?

I'm not particular­ly anti-drug, and I'm opposed to the death penalty as I am adamantly opposed to abortion. Arnold Schwarzene­gger is anti-drug, pro-death penalty, pro-aborti­on. So I guess we're both conservati­ves? I don't know. All I know is I can only represent my own views, and there was this concern that I was secretly liberal.

http://www­.salon.com­/books/fea­ture/2003/­09/13/carl­son/

Posted by: djtj | December 29, 2010 5:31 PM | Report abuse

Tucker is a small boy trying to be noticed. I'll bet he is not allowed to go out after dark.

Posted by: rusty3 | December 29, 2010 6:45 PM | Report abuse

What a tool.

tucker is permenantly scarred from getting beaten up every 5 minutes from 1st through 12th grade.

Posted by: John1263 | December 29, 2010 7:14 PM | Report abuse

The author of this blog out to be terminated.... terminated ... terminated...what a sorry piece of junk writing...

Posted by: robinhood2 | December 29, 2010 7:19 PM | Report abuse

The author of this blog out to be terminated.... terminated ... terminated...what a sorry piece of junk writing...

Posted by: robinhood2 | December 29, 2010 7:20 PM | Report abuse

How did this turn out to be 'hating' on, as blacks say, Tucker Carlson? The evil hateful Michael Vick and the absurd phone call are the issues. The POTUS advocates felonies, I guess!

Posted by: crowne2 | December 29, 2010 7:38 PM | Report abuse

Everyone, not necessarily a Tucker supporter, must realize he's just making an exaggeration to make his point across. Using his statement literally is just trying to cover up the real issue here and that is how could Obama condone, albeit indirectly, Vick's heinous actions. The issue is Obama's moral judgment, or lack of, not Tucker's and I'm no conservative.

Posted by: KT11 | December 29, 2010 8:20 PM | Report abuse

KT11 wrote:L The issue is Obama's moral judgment, or lack of
--------
That's correct. I'd call it absence of character. He's been out of step with America since day one. Lots of these incidents show that he really doesn't understand America very well. 22 months and counting.

Posted by: Desertdiva1 | December 29, 2010 8:37 PM | Report abuse

wow that was hilarious. good stuff.

Posted by: cruver | December 29, 2010 9:22 PM | Report abuse

Thanks to Tucker. While I am not down with the execution plan, I was very upset when the NFL picked up Vick, and I am outraged that the President (who I supported) singled him out.

Do people not GET IT that what Vick did involved premeditating, planning, financing, building structures for a dog fighting operation, then over a period of time repeatedly torturing, tormenting, and killing helpless, cowering, shivering creatures -- ripping the teeth out of "bait" animals -- both dogs and cats -- and throwing them into a pit to be ripped apart while he and his cohorts jeered and cheered, forcing dogs to tear each other apart, beating them, drowning them, electrocuting them, and taking PRIDE and JOY in all that is PSYCHO. You cannot fix PS

Posted by: lilifreak | December 29, 2010 11:28 PM | Report abuse

. cont'd

You cannot FIX PSYCHO.

Michael Vick refused to take the neurologist test PETA requested to determine if his brain has the neurology of a PSYCHOPATH for the same reason people pulled over for DUI refuse to take a breathalizer. He knows he is a PSYCHOPATH --ie, has no conscience. You can tell when you hear him talk that he has no heartfelt remorse for anything except the negative impact getting caught had on HIS life.

PSYCHOPATHS cannot be rehabilitated.

Vick is only controlling himself now for fame and fortune. And even the President is pandering to that.

"He did his time" "He paid his dues" -- I am sick of hearing it. Yes, he did, but that doesn't mean he should be given a multimillion job where he can be an icon to children and send them the message that dog fighting is no big deal. No matter what words come out of his mouth, children listen to actions, not words. And the actions of BOTH Vick and this society say that torturing dogs is no big deal and possibly even cool.

Shame on Obama. Shame shame shame.

He already didn't care about losing my vote, though, because I'm one of those crazy liberals.

Posted by: lilifreak | December 29, 2010 11:33 PM | Report abuse

tucker carlson you should be executed for your statement. the POTUS was only stating what any christian would espouse. there is such a thing as forgiveness and those who have paid for their crimes and completed their sentences deserve a second chance. did not the last POTUS pardoned scooter libby and he's had a chance at employment. why do you feel there needs to be a double standard. vick did not kill a human being. oh i forget, some people value a dog's life over a fellow American's life any day. don't think you are old enough to remember your fellow Americans being chased, bitten or cornered by your favorite canine specimen. look up some of this country's past activities during the sixties and see how many of your blessed dogs were sicced on folks in Birmingham. shame on you carlson.

Posted by: wendywac | December 30, 2010 3:59 AM | Report abuse

lillifreak: was scotter libby a psychopath? did not the last POTUS give him a commute or pardon, allowing him to earn a multimillion dollar living? believe his crime was more heinous than vick's.

Posted by: wendywac | December 30, 2010 4:32 AM | Report abuse

This is not a second chance for Vick, he has had hundreds, perhaps thousands of chances to stop the killing and torture.

He tortured and killed helpless dogs. He used puppies as pit bull fighting bait. He mutilated animals that refused to fight by electrocuting, burning alive, drowning, strangling, etc. He slaughtered these helpless creatures with his bare hands, for fun. He did not torture and kill just one dog. He did it to hundreds, perhaps thousands of helpless, innocent dogs. The man is a monster and the president is a monster to praise him.

Posted by: fury60 | December 30, 2010 5:37 AM | Report abuse

This has nothing to do with bow ties or whether Tucker Carlson is an idiot-he is definitely quirky. This time he's wrong about capital punishment. That being said, this was a really stupid article. The fact is that Obama should not have said anything about Vick to the Eagles. One wonders if he would have made such a statement if Vick were white.

Posted by: Afraid4USA | December 30, 2010 6:45 AM | Report abuse

This has nothing to do with bow ties or whether Tucker Carlson is an idiot-he is definitely quirky. This time he's wrong about capital punishment. That being said, this was a really stupid article. The fact is that Obama should not have said anything about Vick to the Eagles. One wonders if he would have made such a statement if Vick were white.

Posted by: Afraid4USA | December 30, 2010 6:45 AM | Report abuse

-----------------------------------

One wonders if Afraid4USA would have made such a statement if Obama were white. Yeah, probably not -- like all the other teabagging morons, Afraid4USA is a not-so-closeted racist, and is only afraid for the USA if someone other than a lilly-white male cancervative is occupying the White House...

Posted by: gr8day4bsbll | December 30, 2010 7:39 AM | Report abuse

1. I am a registered Republican who thinks Tucker Carlson is an idiot.
1a. Just wanted to let the generalizers out there know that all Reps are not blind followers of Carlson/Rush/ etc...
2. More specifically, I am a dog lover (not literally) and football fan who thinks the NFL & justice dept pretty much got it right with Vick. Therefore, Tucker Carlson is way out of line in saying Vick should have been executed.
3. Having said all of that - this article was a waste of space. A whole article about Tucker Carlson loving bow ties? Not funny and not relevant. If it appeared in the Onion, I might have accepted it as a poor attempt at slap-stick-in-print, but in the WaPo I expect better.

Posted by: Pipour | December 30, 2010 8:01 AM | Report abuse

I am not a fan of Tucker Carlson or Jeffrey Lurie. I was not a fan of Andy Reid or Michael Vick until recently. All four have become more human in the past months. Andy's struggles with his sons, Tucker's and Michael's struggles with 2nd (and for Tucker, 3rd & 4th & ...)chances, and Jeffrey's efforts at due diligence have changed my perception.

Just as some people, genuine people with genuine friends with similar beliefs, grow up believing the Civil War was about State's Rights, and slavery just happened to be among those, Michael grew up surrounded by genuine friends who believed dog-fighting was okay. Michael sees the world, especially dogs, differently since his experience with R (thank you, Sarah Palin) judicial system.

That President Obama affirms Lurie's willingness to give Vick a 2nd chance sounds more Christian to me than Carlson's rant.

Remember Palin's approach to veracity (that means "truth" for Fox followers): Remove the R (our) from friends and you have fiends.

Remember the Beatles: You say you want an execution. Well, you know, we all want to change the world.

Andy has changed. Jeffrey has changed. Michael has changed. I dare say that the recent election and Lame Duck session has changed Obama. Perfection? No. Progress? Yes. Eternal righteousness? Oh, Tucker, please. You are preaching to a choir.

Posted by: bosco11 | December 30, 2010 8:36 AM | Report abuse

Tucker Carlson does not believe Vick should be executed I think PETA does.And how many of you out there thinks prison really rehabilitates you ?I believe in forgiveness but I choose to NEVER be a Vick fan.I still cant believe some people can be so wickedly cruel.

Posted by: votingrevolution1 | December 30, 2010 8:38 AM | Report abuse

If your first name is Tucker you almost have to wear a bow tie. Never trust anyone with two last names, the person is either a Lawyer or Politician or both.

Posted by: bigmac1810 | December 30, 2010 8:58 AM | Report abuse

And people wonder why Newspapers are in trouble....what was the point of this article? It wasn't entertaining or informative, it was just plain bad.

Posted by: thesource1 | December 30, 2010 10:00 AM | Report abuse

Tucker Carlson also called Michael Vick "some overpaid creepy rich" football player. Tucker, you should know...being "some overpaid creepy rich" hack.

Posted by: aaronweiner | December 30, 2010 10:07 AM | Report abuse

IMO, four out of five times, a WP op-ed piece shows better insight, care in crafting, and thought than the comments.

This is the fifth time.

Seems like the author is trying to "put words into his mouth" one better and "put thoughts into his head." No Petri-dishing for me!

Signed,
Not a Tucker Carlson or Vick fan.

Posted by: ACounter | December 30, 2010 10:37 AM | Report abuse

"The author of this blog out to be terminated.... terminated ... terminated...what a sorry piece of junk writing..." Posted by: robinhood2 | December 29, 2010 7:20 PM | Report abuse
Robinhood2 ought to learn how to spell ought.

This blog is funny. Tucker Carlson has already been skewered by Jon Stewart enough to no longer be relevant, so what he says carries as much weight as what Gary Busey thinks about motorcycle helmet laws.

I believe in the Death Penalty for murder AND attempted murder among other crimes, but Vick executed? No, he's done his well-deserved time in the pokey. He's an ignorant guy who socialized with ignorant dog-fighting thugs and losers. That's how he was raised and the knuckleheads with whom he circulated. Dog fighting has been around for 30,000 years.

No one "deserves forgiveness" or "a second chance." You must fight and scrap to prove you are better than you were at the time of your crime. Vick will rise above thuggery - he makes too much money, has the adulation of Philthadelphia, and has been burned. I don't like him, will never like him, but he will probably earn his redemption. Don't give it to him - make him earn it.

Posted by: scooterinsure | December 30, 2010 10:42 AM | Report abuse

"i just want to say I am a Christian" came out of Tucker's mouth right before "i think Vick should be executed" came out of his mouth.

the problem with the far right conversatives that claim to be Christians is that there is apparently NO REDEMPTION for SINNERS WHO REPENT!

i don't know if Vick is a Christian. i do know that he paid for his crime 18 months in prison, maybe that was enough, maybe not, but that was the punishment.

"i just want to say I am a Christian and I think Michael Vick should be put to death for dog fighting and cruelty to animals" is in my opinon a oxy moron. Christianity and killing do not go hand and hand no matter if your Vick or Tucker..

Christianity teaches redemption for us all who believe and repent...

maybe a little less opinions and a lot more reading the scriptures!!!

Posted by: ggrant9170 | December 30, 2010 11:06 AM | Report abuse

I was in favor of executing dog fighters myself, until I started thinking about where it might lead. What about cock fighters? Shouldn't we execute them too? As you can see, it's a slippery slope.

Although most of us don't have pet cocks, most of us have eaten cocks, otherwise know as Kentucky Fried Chicken. If Michael Vick had breaded and deep fried the dogs after he was finished, would he have gotten off?

So why are there no demands to execute people who choke chickens to death and eat them? To me, the answer is obvious. KFC founder, Colonel Sanders, wore a bow tie!


Posted by: divtune | December 30, 2010 12:41 PM | Report abuse

There must be a more creative, relevant
way to forever memorialize Mr. Vick
and his treatment of dogs, to offset
his adulation as a football idol.
Think of the Gilbert & Sullivan
"Make the punishment fit the crime."
With all the imagination expressed in
the comments, someone could come up with
something. It is really beneath the dignity of the President to add to the adoration.

Posted by: vadata060440 | December 30, 2010 3:48 PM | Report abuse

There must be a more creative, relevant
way to forever memorialize Mr. Vick
and his treatment of dogs, to offset
his adulation as a football idol.
Think of the Gilbert & Sullivan
"Make the punishment fit the crime."
With all the imagination expressed in
the comments, someone could come up with
something. It is really beneath the dignity of the President to add to the adoration.

Posted by: vadata060440 | December 30, 2010 3:49 PM | Report abuse

vadata060440 wrote, "There must be a more creative, relevant way to forever memorialize Mr. Vick and his treatment of dogs, to offset his adulation as a football idol."

Good idea. I suggest that football fans bark and woof every time he's sacked. Plus, he should be addressed as "Yo Dog," and not in the Randy Jackson way.

If you Google "Clinton Memorial," you'll find a drawing of a statue of Bill Clinton that looks like the Lincoln Memorial, except Monica Lewinsky is included. She's easy to recognize even though you can't see her face.

Thus, the Michael Vick memorial must include a pit bull latched onto his manhood... while he's getting sacked.

Posted by: divtune | December 30, 2010 8:16 PM | Report abuse

Tucker Carlson, beyond stupid.

Posted by: katedog | January 3, 2011 10:32 AM | Report abuse

Post a Comment

We encourage users to analyze, comment on and even challenge washingtonpost.com's articles, blogs, reviews and multimedia features.

User reviews and comments that include profanity or personal attacks or other inappropriate comments or material will be removed from the site. Additionally, entries that are unsigned or contain "signatures" by someone other than the actual author will be removed. Finally, we will take steps to block users who violate any of our posting standards, terms of use or privacy policies or any other policies governing this site. Please review the full rules governing commentaries and discussions.




characters remaining

 
 
RSS Feed
Subscribe to The Post

© 2011 The Washington Post Company