Dogs, Michael Vick and bow ties -- the world of Tucker Carlson
"I'm a Christian, I've made mistakes myself, I believe fervently in second chances," Tucker Carlson said recently. "But Michael Vick killed dogs, and he did in a cruel, heartless way. Personally, I think he should've been executed for that."
This was in response to President Obama's reportedly praising the Eagles for giving Vick a second chance.
Maybe I can make this make sense, because I am with him until the part where he says Michael Vick should be executed.
So here is how I picture this thought process:
I can't believe President Obama congratulated the Eagles for giving Vick a second chance.
Allow someone who committed an admittedly heinous act to serve his debt to society and be rehabilitated? Are you kidding me? Sounds like someone doesn't understand how the prison system is supposed to work. I have no idea why that Small Wayne person is out on the streets.
I will never go to jail, because I wear bow ties, and you know what they do to guys like that: acquit them. I'm not afraid of prison; it's just that I know I won't be allowed to wear a bow tie there, and without my tie, no one respects me. (I haven't worn it for the past several years, and I assume that is why I have gotten such a limited amount of respect, with people yelling horrible things at me and taking away my TV show.)
But somehow, the discussion of my remarks has revolved around bow ties. Everyone on Twitter is making horrible, horrible jokes about them that really hurt my feelings. Sure, they're my trademark, but that's only because nobody else wears them who is under seventy.
Still, since everyone is talking about them, I want to take a moment to speak in their defense.
I love bow ties. If you asked me what the great romance of my life has been, I would say my wife. But if you asked me again and my wife was out of earshot, I would tell you the truth: bow ties.
A bow tie creates a mystery around you. It says, "Hi, I am definitely Episcopalian." It says, "I could be a weatherman." It says, "I'm that guy who reads the winning lotto numbers, and later I might want to sell you a waterbed." It says, "No matter what I am talking about, it is not a subject in which I have any expertise."
David Sedaris wrote that a bow tie announces to the world that you can no longer hold an erection. That shows what David Sedaris knows. A bow tie says you're really masculine, because when most people glance in the mirror and see that they are wearing bow ties, they succumb to paralyzing depression. So to wear one every day is actually a demonstration of tremendous strength.
Whew! I guess I have to stop talking about bow ties for a second and get back on track. Michael Vick. At first, I didn't have a dog in this fight, because I don't believe in having dogs in fights, ever. I know, I know -- Barack Obama has a dog, so I should oppose dogs, but it's not that simple.
I have to come out in favor of the dogs here, because dogs look adorable in bow ties. I found at least sixteen separate images of dogs in bow ties by conducting a routine image search online. Contrast this to Michael Vick. I couldn't find a single picture of him in a bow tie, and I went to the third or fourth page of Bing Image Search results. I use Bing because it is the search engine name that would be most likely to wear a bow tie if it were a person.
Just so we're clear on this point, here is a list of things that I like: Bow ties. Dogs. Dogs in bow ties. America. Dogs in bow ties with pictures of dogs wearing bow ties with pictures of dogs wearing bow ties. (M. C. Escher, eat your heart out!) If the earth were about to be destroyed by the wrath of God as punishment for allowing Obamacare to pass, and God gave me the opportunity to save Michael Vick, Barack Obama, or a dog wearing a bow tie, I think we know what I would choose, and I think America would thank me.
I forgot what I was saying because I was imagining a bow tie wearing a bow tie, and it was so beautiful that I began to cry a little bit.
When we have neighborhood beautification days, I go around tying bow ties on tree boxes, stray cats, and the deserving poor. When I heard about the dog fights for which Michael Vick was responsible, my first reaction was to call my lawyer. "Bow tie," I said (Bow Tie is my nickname for everyone I love, because those are the two most beautiful syllables in the English language), "can you donate all my money to a charitable foundation that will rescue those Vick dogs and put bow ties on them so they can learn to dream again?" "No," Bow Tie said.
So I'm supporting dogs here. It's not the size of the dog in the fight. It's the size of the Michael Vick standing next to that dog forcing it to battle other dogs.
Because I trust you, I am going to let you in on a little secret: I am always wearing a bow tie. Even when it looks like I am wearing a regular tie, I have hidden a bow tie somewhere on my person, for luck. Bow ties would be my kryptonite, if kryptonite made you feel stronger and more virile.
If airport security patted you down to see if you were hiding bow ties everywhere on your body that a bow tie could be hidden, I would never be allowed to board a plane again.
If wearing more than one bow tie at a time, all the time, makes me a strange, has-been, occasional Fox commentator who only attracts attention by saying blatantly idiotic things to gin up controversy, then I don't want to be not that.
I know, sometimes Barack Obama wears a bow tie. But he never looks like his heart's in it. That upsets me, probably more than any of his policies so far.
The only thing that will change my mind is if you were to bring me a picture of Michael Vick wearing a bow tie and really working it. But I don't believe he could.
| December 29, 2010; 4:20 PM ET
Categories: Epic Failures, Petri, Reality? Television | Tags: Fox News, bow ties, parody
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