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Posted at 7:09 PM ET, 12/29/2010

Explanations for the Christine O'Donnell FBI investigation

By Alexandra Petri


Christine O'Donnell is currently facing a federal investigation of her campaign finances!

And that could be a lot of finances. This year, she raised over $7 million worth of Tea Party funds. My tea parties never happen on quite that scale. If I ever had money and then didn't have it any longer, I assume that I spent it on coffee.

Still, O'Donnell was, at one point, treasurer of her own campaign. If this works anything like being Banker in Monopoly, then I'm concerned.

But I'm sure Christine isn't worried. "I can plead my first amendment right to remain silent," she thinks. "Besides, this was all for you, the taxpayer, me."

Just in case, Christine, here are some legitimate campaign explanations for the use of the money in question:

  • DVD of "The Craft," tickets to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. "I wanted to be certain I wasn't a witch so that I could be honest with the people of Delaware, and in order to make sure, I had to study their habits and habitats."
  • Elaborate and costly lawsuit in which I tried to force "Made By You" pottery stores to change their name to "Made By Christine O'Donnell," in order to keep campaign promises.
  • Application fee for Hogwarts, after learning that actually being a witch might poll better.
  • Chastity belt.
  • Regular belt.
  • Groceries, because someone said they were necessary to maintain a healthy constitution.
  • Buying little sticky notes with Christine O'Donnell on them in order to retitle recently released Reese Witherspoon flick, "How Do Christine O'Donnell Know."
  • Paying Bill Maher not to release the Other Tape, on which O'Donnell talks sensibly about campaign issues, lest it ruin her public image.
  • Accidentally made the money disappear.

By Alexandra Petri  | December 29, 2010; 7:09 PM ET
Categories:  Petri, Tea Party, That's awkward, Top Lists  | Tags:  Christine O'Donnell, oops, witch  
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I just love to see Christine O'Donnell back on top of the ComPost heap. These are great ideas, not only for Christine but also for the rest of us filling out our income tax returns. I didn't realize I could write off my chastity belt.

But the best part is O'Donnell's reaction, where she points out the similarity between George Soros and Lord Voldemort:

"The anonymous source seems politically motivated and may well be tied to the ultraliberal, George Soros-financed, former Sen. [Joe] Biden staffer-run CREW," said O’Donnell campaign spokesman Matt Moran.

I think he means that Joe Biden looks like Wormtail.

Posted by: divtune | December 30, 2010 1:22 AM | Report abuse

Guess somebody stole the P key off all the keyboards in the Washington Post newsroom so the Post staff couldnt write their 5 articles about Sarah Palin today. What to do? I know...Christine O'Donnell to the rescue!!

Posted by: Bcjbs1 | December 30, 2010 12:56 PM | Report abuse

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