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Posted at 11:10 AM ET, 12/30/2010

For 2011, top New Year's resolutions you can keep!

By Alexandra Petri


  1. Gain at least eight pounds.

  2. Complain more about small things that aren't worth worrying about.

  3. Spend less time with family.

  4. Spend more time at work doing meaningless, repetitive tasks over and over again but accomplishing little.

  5. Get into credit card debt.

  6. See less of the world.

  7. Drink more alcohol, alone.

  8. Become more stressed by reminding yourself of things such as the probable Mayan invasion in 2012, the inevitability of death and loss, and the need for absolute perfection in everything you do.

  9. Get a worse job in a less interesting industry where there is little potential for promotion.

  10. Alienate old friends.

  11. Allow the spark to go out of your marriage.

  12. Be rude and unfriendly to the elderly on buses.

  13. Call customer service hotlines to harass the employees for no good reason.

  14. Start writing a novel, but fail to finish it after you have a work conflict one weekend and then never quite get back to it.

  15. Start smoking! If you already smoke, start taking snuff!

  16. Litter.

By Alexandra Petri  | December 30, 2010; 11:10 AM ET
Categories:  Bad Advice, Petri, Top Lists  | Tags:  The Year That Was 2010, law of the jungle, reality  
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I can't believe you would actually suggest that people resolve to GAIN weight, start smoking, etc. They actually PAY you to write this drivel?

Obesity and smoking are major causes of death, and people SHOULD be deathly afraid of them. Maybe you should spend more time with Uncle Mark instead of wasting your time writing this poor excuse for a column.

Oh.. this is satire? ... Never mind.

Posted by: divtune | December 30, 2010 11:45 AM | Report abuse

No.1, should be supporting Wikileaks to ensure our leaders don't keep lying and letting big business hijack our democracy!

Posted by: dannymega | December 30, 2010 3:49 PM | Report abuse

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