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Posted at 9:44 AM ET, 12/20/2010

Last-minute holiday shopping ideas for Obama

By Alexandra Petri

President Obama, with everything that's been going on lately, what with you having to explain everything rationally to everyone, I bet you haven't had much time to do Christmas shopping. The "don't ask, don't tell" repeal came a bit too early to count for Christmas, and now you're stuck! But don't worry: I've got a few gifts that will delight everyone on your list!


  1. A visit from Joe Biden. Everyone loves to see Santa! And Biden is like Santa, but with fewer responsibilities. No one will appreciate this gift more than Joe Biden. In fact, this might be an understatement, because no one will enjoy it at all, and Joe Biden will positively exult in every minute of it. (A good follow-up gift would be Joe Biden leaving, but this is harder to obtain on short notice.)

  2. Tears of John Boehner. These are as rare and precious as paper clips! You can find them around schools or anywhere you have to work hard to protect the American dream.

  3. "Sarah Palin" salt shakers. S for Sarah, P for Palin! They take 12 shakes to hit your caribou.
  4. Pork. Congress always has a lot of this to go around, and most people seem to love it! Don't give it to your Tea Party friends, or explain to them that "it's the good kind, the kind that's for you."

  5. Filibernie. Sen. Bernie Sanders will knock on the door and deliver an eight-hour speech. It's like caroling, but with less "Good King Wenceslas" and more "Bad King Wenceslas's Tax Policy is Stifling My Hopes for Our Children's Future."

  6. Mounted and stuffed American Dream. Everyone says it's dead. But with the help of the miracle of taxidermy, you can produce one that's quite lifelike. John Boehner may cry when he sees it.

  7. Dance, Dance Revolution: Bristol Palin Dancing With the Stars Edition. This is like regular Dance, Dance Revolution, but every step is the right step.

  8. Portrait of Julian Assange in dim, dramatic lighting. Julian Assange painted this himself. It is part of a limited edition of more than 500,000, because Mr. Assange was confident in his mass appeal. For all the folks who've said they wanted to hang this international man of mystery, now they can -- in their living rooms!

  9. Carbon Footprint The recipient's footprint, lovingly preserved in carbon.

  10. Approval Rating Limbo Pole Set. With this, you can play along at home as the president's approval rating goes up and down. Start easy in 2008, and then challenge yourself with some record lows!

H. L. Mencken says democracy is the belief that the people know what they want -- and deserve to get it good and hard. Christmas is like that! Have a merry one!

By Alexandra Petri  | December 20, 2010; 9:44 AM ET
Categories:  Barack Obama, Petri, Top Lists  | Tags:  Barack Obama, gifts, holidays  
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Comments

a piece of paper and a pen so that he can write his resignation letter...

Posted by: DwightCollins | December 20, 2010 11:11 AM | Report abuse

I would buy him a spine. I think he needs one. I never knew he was a lineal descendant of Mr. Lubner when I voted for him. Might have made3 a difference in my vote.

Posted by: jhadv | December 20, 2010 11:52 AM | Report abuse

I understand that in additional to the conventional white Titleist, the manufacturer of golfing equipment, now makes black balls - something President Obama is quite obviously in need of and that Michelle really should consider giving him for Christmas.

Tom Benghauser
Denver CO

Posted by: PrincetonClassAnimal | December 20, 2010 11:54 AM | Report abuse

I understand that, in addition to the traditional white, Titleist, the manufacturer of golfing equipment, now makes black balls - something President Obama is quite clearly in need of and that Michelle really should consider giving him for Christmas.

Posted by: PrincetonClassAnimal | December 20, 2010 11:57 AM | Report abuse

A prescription for Concerta for his ADHD.

Posted by: JAH3 | December 20, 2010 11:57 AM | Report abuse

I understand that, in addition to the traditional white, Titleist, the manufacturer of golfing equipment, now makes black balls - something President Obama is quite clearly in need of and that Michelle really should consider giving him for Christmas.

Tom Benghauser
Denver CO

Posted by: PrincetonClassAnimal | December 20, 2010 11:58 AM | Report abuse

How about an Econ 101 text?

Posted by: charlesbakerharris | December 20, 2010 2:15 PM | Report abuse

How about an Econ 101 text?

Posted by: charlesbakerharris | December 20, 2010 2:17 PM | Report abuse

An American flag? ... You know .... made in America.

Posted by: deepthroat21 | December 20, 2010 2:20 PM | Report abuse

How insensitive. Everyone knows that as a Kenyan Muslim--a Kenslim, shall we say--the President is not able to handle gift #4, even when giving it to others.

Posted by: dkp01 | December 20, 2010 3:08 PM | Report abuse

11. Hopefully not another "I've got a present for you" Jokey Smurf style CIA funded fake "wunderkind" peddling him stolen concepts that blow up in his face (I can hear Krugman wince - there goes his and his wife's CIA funded book-deals. Zombie - my A$$!). lol.

Posted by: darkasnight1234 | December 20, 2010 4:46 PM | Report abuse

Maybe Obama needs to unwrap a a Republican death panel proposal, like trying to repeal health care reform.

"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.
H. L. Mencken

Posted by: divtune | December 25, 2010 4:59 PM | Report abuse

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