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Posted at 11:45 AM ET, 12/ 7/2010

What's in the WikiLeaks Insurance File

By Alexandra Petri

Now that Julian Assange has been arrested, everyone is concerned that they are about to leak the WikiLeaks Insurance File, a "poison pill" document cache that allegedly contains all kinds of damning revelations about everything from the government to major corporations and that can be unleashed if WikiLeaks is in danger of shutdown.

Here's what I assume will be inside:

  • What Bill Murray whispers at the end of "Lost in Translation."
  • Confirmation that they faked the moon landing, including outtakes from staging of the moon landing with crew visible in background, six takes in which Neil Armstrong keeps saying "One small step for mankind, one giant -- wait, no. One giant leap for man -- sorry. One giant step for leap man -- I'm sorry, I really thought I had it that time," and one shot where you can see the director's son eating a sandwich.
  • A full explanation of the plot of Inception that includes whether or not he's dreaming at the end.
  • Tell-all account of JFK assassination written by Grassy Knoll itself.
  • A really, really offensive joke once told by Mother Teresa.
  • Identity of Kaiser Soze
  • Coca Cola secret ingredient: dingo blood.
  • Non-conclusive evidence that Mel Gibson is a futuristic robot sent back in time to stop an asteroid from hitting Earth, but whose creator accidentally left his Generator of Phrases It Is Acceptable To Say on the 1835 default settings.
  • Proof that the government is being run by the Masons, using evidence from building designs, dollar bill imagery, and something Joe Biden said once when his mic was turned off.
  • A DVD of "National Treasure."
  • Proof that Paul is Dead.
  • Original version of Gettysburg Address, which is excessively long and makes a lot of steamboat jokes that don't really land.
  • Proof that wars in Afghanistan, Iraq are actually going really well and civilians love us there!
  • Synched version of Dark Side of the Moon and Wizard of Oz.
  • President Obama's birth certificate, which indicates that he was not only not born in the U.S., but that he was "made in Area 51 by top men."
  • Guide to all the secret phalluses embedded in Disney animated films.
  • Documentation that Piers Morgan and Tony Hayward are in fact the same person
  • Location of Elvis, which everyone's been keeping secret because, well, it's just sad, really, what's happened to the man.
  • Location of Osama bin Laden, which turns out to be that one bathroom stall at the far end of the women's room where no one goes in or comes out but you know someone's there because you can see the feet.
  • Victoria's Secret

By Alexandra Petri  | December 7, 2010; 11:45 AM ET
Categories:  Only on the Internet, Petri, That's awkward, Top Lists  | Tags:  oops, wikileaks  
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Comments

Although “Ah-sanj” may have used “256-bit encryption”, his password was easy to crack because we already know what most of the file is. Here are the answers to some of your questions:

What Bill Murray whispered: 私はあなたのためにフロリダのサイズを勃起を持っている

Offensive joke by Mother Teresa: I once noticed that the Pope has 5 penises. I asked him, “How do your pants fit?” He responded, “Like a glove!”

Kaiser Soze, unknown arch-villain of the movie, “The Usual Suspects”, is actually Mother Teresa.

The secret ingredient of Coca-Cola is NOT dingo blood, but you’re close (Hint: Coca-Cola is brown).

Goofy’s hat is a replica of Walt’s junk.
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_4WCJ9W3Y-L8/SxQO7-yGv3I/AAAAAAAAA_o/q69SMa8BnpQ/s1600/goofy_1024.jpg

When asked, Mel Gibson confirmed that he is an alien by saying, “"You look like a f-wording pig in heat, and if you get r-worded by a pack of n-words, it will be your fault."
http://gawker.com/5582644/all-the-terrible-things-mel-gibson-has-said-on-the-record

Victoria’s Secret models are aliens whose “boob generator” got stuck on Pamela Anderson.

Posted by: divtune | December 7, 2010 2:17 PM | Report abuse

Boy, boy, WAPO is constantly hammering and trying to make something bad out of Wiki-Leaks. So far no effect, I even like Wiki-Leaks more right now and if I have Million bucks, i would give them half just so they can keep up fighting the crime. I am just waiting to see how soon WAPO will start lying for this government or keep confirming government lies.

Posted by: BOBSTERII | December 7, 2010 2:55 PM | Report abuse

BOBSTERII wrote:
"Boy, boy, WAPO is constantly hammering and trying to make something bad out of Wiki-Leaks."
===
Boy, boy, au contraire mon ami. WAPO is lapping up Wiki-Leaks like a thirsty dingo. It is Fox News that is calling for Assainge to be surgical altered so he can never take another leak.

Posted by: divtune | December 7, 2010 5:20 PM | Report abuse

What I am hearing about it, from freinds in Europe, is that it is cables and other information about campaign money laundering by people close to the Obama White House. Supposedly, the Chinese and Indian governments, along with forein companies and executives, donated some enormous amounts of money for Democrat, and in particular Obama, campaign efforts. All of that money was laundered by a couple of Wall Street banks with close ties to the Administraion. Illegal as can be and likely Watergate II, but on steroids. We'll see, but if this is accurate, people in this Admnistration will be going to prison and Obama will be our next Richard Nixon.

Posted by: mibrooks27 | December 7, 2010 7:39 PM | Report abuse

Alexandra Petra better be a descendant of the great Christian Rock group Petra. Otherwise, she's a poseur. A poseur who doesn't shave her hairy, terror-filled cunt. Moron.

Posted by: 7her34p3r | December 7, 2010 8:25 PM | Report abuse

Dana , give up your cush job and do what you really want to do--go to LA and do standup.
Oh wait, you're not funny.
Never mind.

Posted by: kmblue | December 7, 2010 8:27 PM | Report abuse

Study Criminal Justice to solve crimes like these search the web for "United Forensic College"

Posted by: sveinyael | December 8, 2010 3:51 AM | Report abuse

What is shocking is that Sweden that has for years now was a bastion of democracy and human rights since the election of Fredrik Reinfeldt has been turned Sewdwn into a USA satelite and pursues the capture of Assage for his masters using the excuse he did not use a condom!!!

Posted by: maggeorges | December 8, 2010 4:21 AM | Report abuse

Sorry, but you forgot to mention the most hallowed secret Wikileaks has - They really do know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.

Posted by: bshulman | December 9, 2010 4:07 PM | Report abuse

Malenkov's plan for world conquest. We can go from no secrets to secret police and cause panics. Try putting the circuit breakers on the cables instead of the market genius. Five years and three billion dollars into Haiti and the place is wrecked. It can't be insured and the honeymoon is over. The people in Washington with bad marriages and worse morals want to decide what we do. Nuclear codes lost, the end is near.

Posted by: jobandon | December 10, 2010 7:18 AM | Report abuse

For y'all to make a bunch of gross, unfunny, immature jokes about the state of the world we live in today makes me hate Americans even more. May Wikileaks release the file that shows the average American intelligence is at the same level as a 10 year old German.

Posted by: chorpophone | December 10, 2010 11:34 AM | Report abuse

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