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Posted at 5:48 PM ET, 01/26/2011

NASA announcement: They found the set of Star Wars!

By Alexandra Petri

farfaraway.bmp

NASA's Hubble telescope spotted the oldest, most distant galaxy ever!

A galaxy that's far, far away and long, long ago? I think we've found the set of Star Wars!

It might also be a smudge in the data! But they're 80 percent sure it's a very old galaxy.

It's 13 billion years old? It doesn't look a day over 12 billion! It's been around since 500 million years after the Big Bang -- which, in layman's terms, makes it exactly Jay Leno's audience demographic. I bet it has very strong, yet mixed feelings about "The Big Bang Theory."

I picture this galaxy as very awkwardly racist towards other galaxies because it doesn't realize we don't say these things any more. Red shift probably accurately describes what has happened to its political beliefs over time, as it aged. I bet it accidentally voted for the Emperor twice because it had difficulty with its ballot.

And we thought the Earth was old! Well, some of us did. The rest of us were busy hiding dinosaur skeletons.

"Back in my day, we only had two dimensions!" it yells. "Time and overtime!" "That's stupid," we say. "That used to get big laughs on the vaudeville circuit!" it responds. It's difficult to argue with it because at this point it turns off its hearing aid. "Sound does not travel through space!" it hollers, whenever we try to remonstrate with it.

I bet it still thinks it can drive.

The only thing more exciting than the fact that NASA found this really old galaxy is that they couldn't find enough beef in Taco Bell "taco meat filling" to qualify it as "seasoned meat." Maybe Hubble should look for that next.

By Alexandra Petri  | January 26, 2011; 5:48 PM ET
Categories:  Big Deals, Petri  | Tags:  NASA, Star Wars, aliens, space  
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Comments

Alexandra;

Speaking of Leno, do you write his monologues? This was so lame, it made
Stephen Hawkings look like an Olympic champion.

Posted by: northguy3 | January 26, 2011 9:24 PM | Report abuse

northguy3, wow, you're so funny for a fat lonely loser who spends all day at the fish market because that's the closest you'll ever get to smelling a real woman.

Posted by: taonima2000 | January 26, 2011 10:52 PM | Report abuse

Nah. That's just how far away "we" are from balancing the US's budget. It takes about 6 months to reach Mars with current fleet rolling stock. It'll take about 60 years to see a bullet train railroad built in the US.... by which time it will be redundant.... seeing how a bicycle will make better time by then. (at least in the beltway). For senators, rickshaws.

Posted by: deepthroat21 | January 26, 2011 11:42 PM | Report abuse

Taco Bell is only 35% beef? I'm not surprised. A few hours after I ate there, my entire meal ended up "outside the buns."

I have to confess that I spilled some of the non-beef grunge from my taco onto that NASA picture of the galaxy far far away. I'm afraid it's just a smudge.

It sounds like NASA is trying to show that they're still relevant now that the Space Shuttle program is over. But announcing smudges is not going to help. I agree that they need a new mission. If they can put a man on the moon, surely they can put the beef back in the Taco Bell taco.

Posted by: divtune | January 27, 2011 12:07 AM | Report abuse

=======
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> "I picture this galaxy as very awkwardly racist".

I guess Petri's either someone's daughter in-law, or she's sucking off the editor of the blogs department.

Petri writes good. But she's why no one takes female cunning linguists seriously when we write well.

Yet she has a job, while I live naked in a cave in the woods with stolen electricity, a fast computer, and wireless internet.

The Future sure isn't like The Jetsons.

--faye kane, homeless idiot-savant
More of my smartmouth at http://tinyurl.com/kanecave

Posted by: Knee_Cheese_Zarathustra | January 27, 2011 2:34 PM | Report abuse

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