New zodiac sign dates are ruining my life! And what's an Ophiuchus?
Dear Minnesota Planetarium Society,
I'm losing it here.
Today you emerged with the information that we've been off on our Zodiac signs all these years. The dawning of the age of Aquarius is not where it used to be. All the dates are slightly different (there's a list of them here), and there's a neglected 13th sign -- Ophiuchus, the snake-holder -- that was dropped before the horoscope got big. I bet Pete Best was an Ophiuchus. They figured this all out by comparing it to the horoscopes of the ancient Byzantines.
Don't you realize how disruptive this is? I have to rethink my entire life. And all because you had to go and peer into the minds of the Byzantines. Well, if the Byzantines were so great, why aren't they still around? I haven't run into any ancient Byzantines lately, and I bet if I did they wouldn't be having career success.
Minnesota Planetarium Society, did you have to do this?
Do you realize just how much stock I have put into this over the years? I have spent hours likening myself to a limpid turquoise lagoon when I should have been out identifying with fire and goats.
I heard that Pisces liked color and ambergris, and that if I didn't bring my dreams to pass I would be crippled with disappointment. Now I find I'm supposed to be into spices and adventure, and I have to get rid of all these gemstones, poppies, presents wrapped in magical paper, large, visible clocks (recommended for Pisces) and framed photos of Liza Minnelli (notable Pisces).
If I had known that I was brassy and take-charge, the direction of my life until this point would have been vastly different. Instead of coddling my sensitivities and sitting near a sun lamp, I would have been going out and doing brassy, take-charge things.
"I should find a job in a creative industry," I told myself for years, writing my aspirations in my dream-journal. (Pisces are supposed to keep dream journals.) "Pisces are shy and avoid the spotlight, but if they don't bring their creative dreamworlds to fruition, they will be crippled with a sense of failure."
This is how I organize my life! I voted for McCain because he was a Virgo and they are supposed to be steady and reliable and put all their energy into their children. Now I find out he's a Leo. Leos are, frankly, jerks!
For the past twenty years, I've torn the newspaper open to the horoscope pages each day to see what I should be doing. You told me I was ready for commitment; I committed! You told me I should spend time around children to unleash my creative energies; I dredged up some children and unleashed so much creative energy that their parents tried to have me committed. You told me I needed more pizazz; I obtained more pizazz!
Now I find that I'm not, in fact, the creative, empathetic, contemplative individual they have been telling me I was for all those years. I didn't even know my flaws. All those years I thought I was secretive, vague, and easily led, and it turns out that I'm impulsive, selfish, and intolerant!
And don't get started on what this is going to do to my love life.
I don't know how I'm going to break this to my fiance.
"Sorry, I am supposed to be with a Gemini," I will explain. "They are adaptable, versatile, intellectual, and lively, and apparently I crave this. I know, it's a surprise to me, too! I thought I was supposed to be into stability and consistency."
"Also, you are an Ophiuchus," I will add. "I have no idea what that means. Apparently, you like to hold snakes, which is something you should have delicately broken to me before we reached this point."
"Don't ask," I'll add, because apparently I am supposed to be fun-loving, vivacious, and able to make a joke out of anything.
I have to go ponder my new flaws now and take some more job quizzes. I need a leadership-driven-teamwork-position-thing. I don't even know what that means! What career path suits me now? I have no idea. I'm going to go yell at people in the park because going outdoors and asserting myself is supposed to enhance my job prospects.
Don't you see what you've done? I'm not overreacting! 31 percent of the country believes in this sort of thing!
And my new horoscope didn't say I might be gullible.
| January 13, 2011; 12:45 PM ET
Categories: Bad Advice, Big Deals, Petri | Tags: Star Wars, astrology, oops
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