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Posted at 4:40 PM ET, 01/14/2011

Post-RNC break up, top job ideas for Michael Steele

By Alexandra Petri

Michael Steele just withdrew from contention for Republican National Committee chairman. But make no mistake, this was a break-up.

"It's not me -- it's you," the Republican Party explained. "Look, I just feel like I've grown a lot over the course of our relationship. But now you're sort of the third wheel. The American People and I have found love, and you're just that person who stands there saying awkward things and won't take the hint. You're the Fredo of this family. You're a party foul. And let's not talk about that whole gentleman's club thing."

Give yourself time to grieve. Don't be afraid of those feelings. If you have to scream, scream. And when you recover, start thinking about other jobs. There are plenty of jobsThis is not the end of the world, so it will be easy to find something to do, given all your talents. For instance, you are very good at speaking while having a mustache. Tom Selleck has a similar skill set, and he's been able to hold jobs for years.

Admittedly, this is a giant blow to Mustached Americans. You once showed that the career possibilities for mustached Americans extends beyond Cowboy, Salvador Dali, and Robert Goulet. Now their most important representative is, uh, Jimmy "The Rent is Too Damn High" McMillan. Maybe they have a job for you.

But in the mean time, here are some careers you can choose!

(There is a definite market for empathizing on people's behinds, but this might not be what you're looking for.) Other suggestions:

  1. Author. Write a tell-all memoir with a name like "I am the Cow on the Tracks."

  2. Wedding Crasher. Show up at parties where no one wants you and insist that you're not going to leave until people vote against you at least four times.

  3. Guy who goes to high schools to talk about drugs. What a great way of showing you're hip and relatable! "What up!" you can say. "I know what!" Then you can explain what up (sky, unemployment, value of gold) as everyone sighs audibly.

  4. Interior decorator. Start an interior design business called "Michael Steele Shows Up At Your House And Sort Of Redecorates." Don't really do anything that the house owner wants. Stand around awkwardly. Claim that things are underway. When people point out obvious mistakes, suggest that "it's not really a house."

  5. Guy who goes to high school reunions to boost everyone else's self-esteem.

  6. Knife salesman -- "We are going beyond cutting-edge."

  7. West Hollywood Voyeur patron. Hey, you paid, you might as well go.

  8. Benchwarmer for a team that's doing really well. Whenever given the opportunity to do something that could be helpful, lob the ball off court and say something awkward.

  9. Coffee salesman. "Tea is overrated," you can explain, before bursting into tears and making everyone uncomfortable.

And, finally:
Sarah Palin 2012 campaign manager. So crazy, it just might work!

By Alexandra Petri  | January 14, 2011; 4:40 PM ET
Categories:  Bad Advice, Petri, Top Lists  | Tags:  Michael Steele, RNC, Rent Is Too Damn High  
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: Miracles, beatification, and Gabrielle Giffords
Next: Trenta? Starbucks, are you going through a midlife crisis?


No one is satisfy with some else doing,they
always think they do better. Micheal Steele, did a hell of good job as NRC, Chairman, but some people just don't appreciated. They just don't understand, by replacing Steele matters will not get any better. Yes I think he will make a hell of a good job as Sarah Palin Campaing

Posted by: rodri2 | January 14, 2011 6:06 PM | Report abuse

Micheal Steele How Does it Feel?

Now you know what People of Color have been trying to tell you for 2 Years
'U getting/got used'

Now that you have survived OTJ traing with a group that can't balance its own
Yet has the nereve to think that its
members can or will BALANCE its budgets in
the near future. Look what they did in
2001-2007. Every year was a deficit and
the Republicans were the Majority party.
So when they 'talk about fiscal
conservatism we both know its just 'talk'.

Will your next job be radio ? At least
there you won't be judged by your
personal appearance. We hope!

Posted by: digtldesk | January 15, 2011 10:22 AM | Report abuse

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