Walmart health food, Michelle Obama, and the dessert war
First, it was the Dessert War.
Wal-Mmart used to be my bastion. When I heard it was coming to my area, I was elated! According to some studies, you will gain weight just by having a Wal-Mart move into your neighborhood! I couldn't wait! But I can't count on that any more.
It's one thing if Michelle Obama plants small vegetable gardens near the White House, where, by right, Kobe beef cattle ought to graze, or lie in vats, or do whatever it is they do. It's another thing if she invades the largest grocery chain on this side of the planet and demands that they make things healthy. If I wanted to eat healthy, I wouldn't go to every chain restaurant in the United States today!
As it is, I frequently demand that restaurants take my food back and make the sodium content higher. "Where are the trans fats?" I ask, wheeling myself slowly over to the food counter. "This tastes as though my kidneys aren't going to ache for hours afterward."
My understanding about how food works has always been somewhat similar to Garfield's. Asked once if there is a measure for how good food tastes, Garfield says. "It's called a calorie."
So I hate all this health stuff. Who needs health?
The thing that makes me proudest of my country is the fact that we have managed to bring back gout. They haven't needed to run commercials with anthropomorphic jars of uric acid since the days of the founding fathers! In fact, my one life ambition is to get gout, because John Hancock had it, and he knew how things worked!
I would exercise, but it interferes with my passion: standing around being winded and sweaty. Some people have china collections. I have a chin collection. I once saw my feet, but that was years ago.
Sure, Wal-Mart can change the sugar and the sodium and make fresh food cheaper. But can it take the Wal-Mart out of the Wal-Mart? Look at McDonald's. It faced similar criticism and now serves healthy entrees. If you had just landed from an alien planet and found yourself watching fast food commercials, you would think that it specialized entirely in healthful wraps and grapes lovingly packaged in individual leaves of lettuce.
But that won't stop us from ordering Big Macs.
Wal-Mart's philosophy has always been to give us whatever we want, lots of it, and for cheap. And they won't stop doing that.
Sure, Wal-Mart is now removing sodium and sugars, especially in lunchmeats. These, they say, are hidden sodium and sugars that consumers don't realize we're consuming! It can take care of them with no problem. But I will still sense millions of flavors suddenly crying out in terror, then being suddenly silenced.
But they aren't targeting total fat. They're just aiming at trans fats. And much as I regret it, Trans Fats are like cowboy boots -- on their way out already. It's just sodium and sugar. So maybe they'll leave a little in for me.
If not, I'll have to throw my weight around -- or at least lug it somewhere while panting.
| January 21, 2011; 4:00 PM ET
Categories: Petri, Seems Suspect, Worst Things Ever | Tags: Michelle Obama, carrot sticks, celery, dessert, parody
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