How Obama's meeting with Facebook's Zuckerberg should go
(This scene of President Obama meeting with Mark Zuckerberg, scheduled for tomorrow, was originally part of the script of The Social Network, but it got cut before it came to theaters. I have no idea why.)
INT. SAN FRANCISCO OFFICE - DAY
Mark Zuckerberg and President Barack Obama shake hands.
President Obama: Thank you for meeting with me, Mark.
He hands Mark a business card, grinning.
President Obama: Get it? It says, 'I'm President, [Expletive]!' - a joke based on your own card!
He leans conspiratorially towards Mark.
President Obama: I had this one made specially.
Mark: This is just a normal card.
An awkward silence.
President Obama: I wonder what I gave Maya Angelou. Oh well, no time for that. I wanted to meet you to say thanks for winning the future for us.
Mark: You're welcome.
President Obama: If it weren't for you, I would have only two examples of things the United States is doing well, and one of them is "having a lot of unemployment." So, again, thank you.
Mark: What's the other one?
President Obama: So far this month, not mentioning Sarah Palin! (pause) Crap.
President Obama: Mark, I'm here because America needs a dislike button.
Mark: No can do.
President Obama: And Malia has a request, which is that you come up with a way to tell if boys like you, because their pictures show up on your Facebook sidebar. But only the cute ones.
Mark: That's how it works already. I thought everyone knew that. The people on your sidebar are there for a reason, partially because they like you but mainly because their DNA and yours would be likely to result in offspring with good genotypes.
President Obama: How do you know about our DNA?
Mark: It's line 44552 of the user agreement. Above the clause about fluid sharing.
President Obama: (nervously) Oh, right. Duh! Okay, well, I wanted to ask you a personal favor. I was wondering if you could go through the Facebook --
Mark: It's just Facebook.
President Obama: Right, go through that, and find all the negative posts about me and make them go away. Unless they're misspelled. I think the misspelled ones are humorous.
Mark: I don't have that kind of power.
President Obama: Don't you? Because I'm pretty sure you do.
Mark: If I had that kind of power, everyone on Facebook would be friends with me.
President Obama: Everyone is friends with you.
Mark: Not everyone. (He pulls away a giant curtain to reveal a glass case, containing an accurate robot replica of the ex-girlfriend who rejects him at the beginning of "The Social Network.")
President Obama: Mark, that's a bit, well, strange. (aside) And inaccurate to your actual life.
For no reason, a children's choir strolls in and starts singing an ominous cover of a Radiohead song.
President Obama: Look, Mark, this is all getting a little weird for me. Maybe this is how you do it on the West Coast, but where I'm from, this is overkill, like if you made Sarah Palin compete against Watson on Jeopardy! in a category that wasn't "Words You Just Made Up." Zing!
He high-fives his teleprompter.
President Obama: I told you we needed that button. (pause) Look, there's something else I wanted to talk about. This whole thing, being president. It's been kind of a letdown. I thought that I'd get into office and be able to do big things and fix all our nation's problems. And all I can seem to do is give speeches and come up with budget proposals that amount to limited cost savings over time.
President Obama: I just imagined that maybe you could make me a button.
Mark: A button?
President Obama: Hear me out. A button. Just a button that you push to fix things. Someone comes in with a complaint about the economy, I click something -- bam! The economy is fixed!
He stares hopefully at Mark. So does the choir.
Mark: This is really why you came, isn't it?
President Obama: Listen, no pressure, but you're probably the only hope for the American way of life.
Mark makes a glottal stop.
President Obama: If anyone can do it, you can. So many people hate you. And yet they never leave. They say they're going to, but they never do. It's the online equivalent of saying you'll move to Canada after the election. Except that sometimes people actually move to Canada. And that's the kind of loyalty I need right now.
Mark: No, I get it, I'm just not sure there's such a thing as a button that fixes all our problems --
President Obama: China says they have one.
| February 16, 2011; 6:05 PM ET
Categories: Petri, That's awkward | Tags: Barack Obama, Facebook
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