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Posted at 6:05 PM ET, 02/16/2011

How Obama's meeting with Facebook's Zuckerberg should go

By Alexandra Petri

(This scene of President Obama meeting with Mark Zuckerberg, scheduled for tomorrow, was originally part of the script of The Social Network, but it got cut before it came to theaters. I have no idea why.)


Mark Zuckerberg and President Barack Obama shake hands.

President Obama: Thank you for meeting with me, Mark.

He hands Mark a business card, grinning.

President Obama: Get it? It says, 'I'm President, [Expletive]!' - a joke based on your own card!

He leans conspiratorially towards Mark.

President Obama: I had this one made specially.

Mark: This is just a normal card.

An awkward silence.

President Obama: I wonder what I gave Maya Angelou. Oh well, no time for that. I wanted to meet you to say thanks for winning the future for us.

Mark: You're welcome.

President Obama: If it weren't for you, I would have only two examples of things the United States is doing well, and one of them is "having a lot of unemployment." So, again, thank you.

Mark: What's the other one?

President Obama: So far this month, not mentioning Sarah Palin! (pause) Crap.

Mark: Ah.

President Obama: Mark, I'm here because America needs a dislike button.

Mark: No can do.

President Obama: And Malia has a request, which is that you come up with a way to tell if boys like you, because their pictures show up on your Facebook sidebar. But only the cute ones.

Mark: That's how it works already. I thought everyone knew that. The people on your sidebar are there for a reason, partially because they like you but mainly because their DNA and yours would be likely to result in offspring with good genotypes.

President Obama: How do you know about our DNA?

Mark: It's line 44552 of the user agreement. Above the clause about fluid sharing.

President Obama: (nervously) Oh, right. Duh! Okay, well, I wanted to ask you a personal favor. I was wondering if you could go through the Facebook --

Mark: It's just Facebook.

President Obama: Right, go through that, and find all the negative posts about me and make them go away. Unless they're misspelled. I think the misspelled ones are humorous.

Mark: I don't have that kind of power.

President Obama: Don't you? Because I'm pretty sure you do.

Mark: If I had that kind of power, everyone on Facebook would be friends with me.

President Obama: Everyone is friends with you.

Mark: Not everyone. (He pulls away a giant curtain to reveal a glass case, containing an accurate robot replica of the ex-girlfriend who rejects him at the beginning of "The Social Network.")

President Obama: Mark, that's a bit, well, strange. (aside) And inaccurate to your actual life.

For no reason, a children's choir strolls in and starts singing an ominous cover of a Radiohead song.

President Obama: Look, Mark, this is all getting a little weird for me. Maybe this is how you do it on the West Coast, but where I'm from, this is overkill, like if you made Sarah Palin compete against Watson on Jeopardy! in a category that wasn't "Words You Just Made Up." Zing!

He high-fives his teleprompter.

Mark: Dislike.

President Obama: I told you we needed that button. (pause) Look, there's something else I wanted to talk about. This whole thing, being president. It's been kind of a letdown. I thought that I'd get into office and be able to do big things and fix all our nation's problems. And all I can seem to do is give speeches and come up with budget proposals that amount to limited cost savings over time.

Mark: So?

President Obama: I just imagined that maybe you could make me a button.

Mark: A button?

President Obama: Hear me out. A button. Just a button that you push to fix things. Someone comes in with a complaint about the economy, I click something -- bam! The economy is fixed!

He stares hopefully at Mark. So does the choir.

Mark: This is really why you came, isn't it?

President Obama: Listen, no pressure, but you're probably the only hope for the American way of life.

Mark makes a glottal stop.

President Obama: If anyone can do it, you can. So many people hate you. And yet they never leave. They say they're going to, but they never do. It's the online equivalent of saying you'll move to Canada after the election. Except that sometimes people actually move to Canada. And that's the kind of loyalty I need right now.

Mark: No, I get it, I'm just not sure there's such a thing as a button that fixes all our problems --

Awkward silence.

President Obama: China says they have one.

By Alexandra Petri  | February 16, 2011; 6:05 PM ET
Categories:  Petri, That's awkward  | Tags:  Barack Obama, Facebook  
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: Natalie Munroe and Nir Rosen: What happens online...
Next: IBM's Watson wins! First Jeopardy! -- next, bad puns?


I have a feeling that somebodys dna in the gene pool wasn't a perfect match.

Posted by: jhnjdy | February 16, 2011 9:48 PM | Report abuse

Wunderkind Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg, Google chief executive Eric Schmidt, and Steve Jobs, the Apple founder and CEO who announced last month that he was taking his third medical leave, are among a dozen business leaders meeting with Obama in California Thursday evening. Also scheduled to be there: the heads of Twitter, Yahoo, NetFlix and Oracle, and the president of Stanford University.
The latest video clips from TMZ I get the latest what happen. It will be helpful for them who want to keep in touch with updates always like me

Posted by: mastermind7526 | February 18, 2011 1:53 AM | Report abuse

Could've had Mark try and adjust Obama'a privacy settings and accidentally defriending Nancy Pelosi.

Posted by: jimward21 | February 18, 2011 4:53 PM | Report abuse

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