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Posted at 3:05 PM ET, 02/11/2011

Mubarak stepping down! His top eight new jobs

By Alexandra Petri

After handing over control of Egypt to the Supreme Military Council, Hosni Mubarak is free to pursue all his other passions, passions like skydiving and "not being President of Egypt," something he wasn't able to do because of the responsibilities of his old job.

Here are eight others:

  • Post shirtless photos to Craigslist under "fit fun classy." (Note: Is there a special hashtag for all the people making the joke about Mubarak and the Craigslist Congressman? After making it, I saw it possibly thirty more times.)
  • Work on screenplay about experiences. Possible titles: "Coup Out," or "Basically Just The King's Speech, But Instead of Stuttering, You Have A Nervous Condition That Makes You Deliver A Speech In Which You Don't Resign."
  • Go on a fun buddy road-trip adventure with Julian Assange. Who knows what zany hijinks will ensue? (Assange probably does, since his database includes the Future!)
  • Protest whoever takes over, carrying a huge sign that reads, "Now you see how it feels!"
  • Try to get a job on Hollywood Squares, explaining that "I, too, recently had a transformative experience involving a square."
  • Hide under the chairs on Oprah's set and leap out, insisting, "Everyone here in the audience today gets a free me!"
  • Watch "Just Go With It." Insist to anyone in the theater that, "Hey, my rule wasn't great, but this movie is terrible, right?" In the silence that ensues, loudly sip your coke.
  • Stand outside screenings of "Never Say Never (3D)" saying, "Never" in an ominous voice.
  • Have any of your own?

By Alexandra Petri  | February 11, 2011; 3:05 PM ET
Categories:  Epic Failures, Petri  
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He could write this column. Surely it would be better.

Posted by: Itzajob | February 11, 2011 3:51 PM | Report abuse

Instead of a nonsense article how about he will try to move his assets to Arab banks where they can't be frozen like Switzerland.

Posted by: jameschirico | February 11, 2011 4:23 PM | Report abuse

"What will Mubarak do now?"

My God! The man is 82 years old and likely has billions stashed away in Swiss bank accounts.

What the hell would you do?

Posted by: helloisanyoneoutthere | February 11, 2011 4:34 PM | Report abuse

have an affair with an underaged prostitute and get her out of trouble under the premises that he's trying to protect her because she's Silvio Berlusconi's niece.

That guy has been with so many women, his family members could be anywhere.

Posted by: j762 | February 11, 2011 4:52 PM | Report abuse

American Idol contestant, signature song "Walk Like an Egyptian".

Posted by: jimward21 | February 11, 2011 5:04 PM | Report abuse

1. Spokesperson for "No Excuses Jeans."

2. Spokesperson for Jenny Craig.

3. Spokesperson for erectile dysfunction medication.

4. Used Mubarak poster salesman.

5. Replacement for Dana Milbank!

Posted by: divtune | February 11, 2011 6:08 PM | Report abuse

He should run for the GOP nomination in 12. He'd fit right in

Posted by: Bronski | February 11, 2011 7:34 PM | Report abuse

Run for the GOP nod in 12. He'd fit right in.

Posted by: Bronski | February 11, 2011 7:36 PM | Report abuse

1. Ice cream truck driver/balloon artist/firebreather/ kiddie birthday party arranger.
2. Concierge for superthug conventions.
3. Take up cannibalism and pen a cookbook to maintain his place on the list of world's worst dictators.
4. Challenge the world's other top brigands to spend their ill gotten gains as fast as he can.
5. Trade places with others on the list of world's worst dictators to give the oppressed some much needed variety.
6. Skunk trainer.
7.Food taster for his successor.

Posted by: jbksss | February 11, 2011 10:07 PM | Report abuse

When we were in Egypt, in 2007, they had pictures of Mubarak on every street corner. My son swears he still remembers what Mubarak looks like with his picture smiling over your while you sit on the toilet. There might have been some room in some very private household Egypt that did not have a picture of the man. We can not swear to that.

Posted by: samsara15 | February 11, 2011 10:22 PM | Report abuse

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