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Posted at 11:52 AM ET, 02/23/2011

Changes for Chicago with Mayor Rahm Emanuel

By Alexandra Petri

Rahm Emanuel, a human being with energy levels typically associated with rats on cocaine, has been elected mayor of Chicago. Mayor Daley, in his twenty-two distinguished years of mayordom, ushered in a wide range of delightful changes - a park with a giant kidney bean made of metal (why? Why not!), random decorative bridges a Bears victory. But with Mayor Emanuel, things are about to get wild. Brace yourself, Chicago. It's time for a new, mayoral edition of Rahm Emanuel facts.

  • It is true that Rahm was not born in Chicago. Rahm emerged fully formed from the head of Zeus, who got tired of all the yelling.
  • New Mayor Emanuel Edition Millennium Park includes a life-sized statue of Rahm that yells expletives at pigeons whenever they try to land on it.
  • This year's Mayoral Snow-Clearing Bowl will actually be competitive: Mayor Bloomberg of New York will hike to your home and apologize for the inconvenience the snow is causing you. Cory Booker will shovel the snow for you with his bare hands and lose six pounds. Rahm will yell at the snow until the show sublimates back to whence it came.
  • Rahm won't raise the Skyway toll, but he will install a sign where he yells that he's going to prepare you a "[excrement] sandwich" if you don't pay for the privilege of driving around his city.
  • In his spare time, Rahm is taking over as coach of the Chicago Bears. He will make them win, if necessary by benching all the players and "just ****ing DOING it myself, you ****ing overpaid incompetents"
  • Hyde Park is required by law to change its name to Hide Park, because it is frightened of Rahm.
  • When Rahm walks down Lake Street late at night, strangers approach him and spontaneously give him their wallets.
  • Barack Obama is secretly Rahm Emanuel's Avatar, which explains both the height difference and how Obama will sometimes say, "Wow, I have all my fingers" and look happier than you'd expect.
  • Rahm actually knows who Esperanza Spalding is.
  • Rahm is the only person who can say "Never" to Justin Bieber.

By Alexandra Petri  | February 23, 2011; 11:52 AM ET
Categories:  Big Deals, Petri, Top Lists  | Tags:  Rahm, elections, lists  
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: Justin Bieber's haircut and the dark side of Google Trends
Next: Cell phones alter brain activity? Of course!


Don't forget the 'Parting' of lake Michigan.
(See Gov. Christie).

Posted by: deepthroat21 | February 23, 2011 1:23 PM | Report abuse

...and he will always carry a hefty supply of steak knives to bury into table-tops and the back of anyone who angers him..

Good luck Chicago. Electing as mayor the former underling of one of the goofs who, as senator, so screwed-up your state, has got to be one of the strangest moves of all time. It will be interesting to see if Rahm-nuts will protect his former benefactor or stick him with a steak knife.

Posted by: flintston | February 23, 2011 3:26 PM | Report abuse

I was laughing the whole time until the end. Why did you make another Bieber joke? Why? I am beginning to think the Post is secretly a front for Bieber.

Posted by: dkp01 | February 23, 2011 8:24 PM | Report abuse

► The Chicago City Council will now hold its meetings NAKED!

"I'm sitting there showering, naked as a jaybird, and here comes Rahm Emanuel, not even with a towel wrapped around his tush, poking his finger in my chest, yelling at me because I wasn't gonna vote for the president's budget," Massa said. "Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man? ... It's ridiculous."

Posted by: divtune | February 24, 2011 1:11 PM | Report abuse

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