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Posted at 6:30 PM ET, 03/11/2011

I blame the SuperMoon

By Alexandra Petri

nasa via ap.jpg(NASA via AP)

Yes! The SuperMoon was absolutely responsible for the disaster that just took place in Japan.

What's a SuperMoon? It's the closest the Moon has been to Earth in 18 years, a point in the orbit otherwise called a "perigee," from Latin for "violating moon restraining order."

Not only is the SuperMoon responsible for what just happened, but it's to blame for everything that's gone really wrong in the past century! Consider the facts.

In 1955, there was a SuperMoon, and Einstein died. Coincidence? I think not.

In 1974, there was a SuperMoon, and John Lennon planned to visit Paul McCartney - but didn't!

In 1992, President George Bush was televised getting extremely ill at a state dinner in Japan, vomiting and falling into the lap of the Japanese prime minister. Yup, SuperMoon. LA riots? SuperMoon.

And don't get me started on 2005. Among other things, the third "Star Wars" prequel came out, and it contained some pretty gaping plot holes. Moon? I'd prefer a space station.

I keep coming home to find the SuperMoon is pouring salt in my coffee and rewriting my memoirs so they portray me in a less flattering light. It reprograms my DVR so that all my episodes of that gritty prison drama "Oz" are replaced with interviews with the cast of "Twilight." I bet the SuperMoon installed those very weak hand dryers in all U.S. airport restrooms -- the ones that dry your hands with the equivalent force of six midgets gently whispering at you. That would be just like it.

No, the only Moon I trust is the one in charge of the U.N.

Bill O'Reilly once looked at a SuperMoon, and he hasn't been quite right since. This is why he keeps angrily demanding, "How'd the moon get there?" to his television audience.

Everything bad comes from these moons.

Lunatic comes from the Latin word "luna," which means "moon," and the suffix "atic," which means "I think you misspelled 'attic.' " Lunesta is also vaguely related to the moon, and according to the caveats in the commercials, it will cause you to demolish a small town in your sleep and wake up inside the movie "Inception."

SuperMoons take all this malice up a notch. Moons produce werewolves. SuperMoons produce warlocks with tiger blood and Adonis DNA.

All this propaganda we've grown up with insisting that moons were harmless. "Goodnight Moon"? More like "Bad Night, SuperMoon." Being SuperMooned is like being mooned, but instead of your being mildly embarrassed, your entire life is ruined forever.

"Come on, you're blaming the moon for natural disasters?" strangers ask. "What is this, the Pre-Cambrian era?"

"Bad moon make sea rise!" I shout back angrily, pointing and waving my torch and pitchfork. "SuperMoon angry."

"Oh please," everyone insists. "If the moon had anything to do with this, it was a rogue extremist moon that doesn't reflect on other moons."

"How moon get there?" I yell. "Who put moon there?" Bill O'Reilly joins me, and we shake our fists mistrustfully at the sky together.

I don't care how ridiculous this makes me look.

After all, if there's one thing I've learned from reading the news for the past decade, it's that correlation implies causation. Remember, 2005 was when "Twilight" was first published. That can only have been the result of SuperMoon.

By Alexandra Petri  | March 11, 2011; 6:30 PM ET
Categories:  Petri, Seems Suspect  | Tags:  moon, space  
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