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Posted at 10:45 AM ET, 03/10/2011

Newt Gingrich's patriotic urges

By Alexandra Petri

Newt Gingrich, in an interview, said that "There's no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate."

Really?

I had no idea that this was an excuse you could use.

"What are you doing with those eight men dressed as ewoks?" my putative future husband will inquire.

"I can't help it," I'll say. "I just love America so much."

Still, I must not love our country as much as Speaker Gingrich. Because, as yet, I have had no impulses to commit any infidelity. I've listened to the Star Spangled Banner, and I haven't suddenly dashed off and cheated on my spouse of many years.

I assume, for him, the essential element of a romantic evening is turning some John Philip Sousa on the stereo and putting up flags everywhere. "Now read the Declaration of Independence to me," he murmurs. "Read it slowly."

He shows up at your door late at night. "I'm sorry," he murmurs. "I heard Lincoln's Second Inaugural Address on the radio, and I started thinking about how great this country is, and I couldn't control my urges any longer!"

But what a terrible condition to have! I assume that he can't visit the monuments anymore, because of an incident that happened after he thought too long about what kind of country produced such noble men. Every time he meets a veteran, he must need to go call a chatline for an hour.

Still, what puzzles me is why he'd admit something like that right before mounting a presidential campaign. Now that I know this, the last thing I would do is elect him president! Imagine the impact that kind of patriotic surge would have on his frail system.

By Alexandra Petri  | March 10, 2011; 10:45 AM ET
Categories:  Congress, Epic Failures, Petri  | Tags:  America, Newt  
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Comments

Breaking Newt on the wheel would be more appropriate than electing him POTUS. In the dictionary his picture appears next to RIGHT WING AUTHORITARIAN. The rules apply to other people, but not to him. He walked away from his sick-with-cancer wife because his John Thomas wore boots that were made for walking (and his patriotism was acting up).

Posted by: BlueTwo1 | March 10, 2011 12:23 PM | Report abuse

The most interesting and/or disturbing fact that I take away from this whole sordid issue is that apparently, Alexandra Petri is into *ewoks*. This bothers me on many levels . . . I mean, come on--ewoks!

Posted by: bucky_katt | March 10, 2011 1:20 PM | Report abuse

Newt says his affairs (as well past ethical troubles) are based on his love for the Country. Well based on that fact alone Newt is no longer suit for public office since his claim of no longer having affairs. Sounds silly hun..... well just as much as Newt winning office in 2012. Go home Newt, stop lying and perhaps for once in your life stop the con.

Posted by: solandpark | March 10, 2011 6:20 PM | Report abuse

Oooh, baby, read just ONE article of the Constitution, please!!! (It makes me so hot!). And wear your Betsy Ross lace teddy, and (OOOOOOH!) don't forget your Paul Revere riding crop! We're going to play "patriot" tonight!!!

Posted by: post_reader_in_wv | March 11, 2011 12:34 AM | Report abuse

"Patriot missile" maybe ...

Posted by: jimward21 | March 11, 2011 6:07 PM | Report abuse

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