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DCU Fantasy Football

But first, here's what happens when Jaime Moreno scoots out of the building immediately after training ends. Some quotes are paraphrased for the sake of good taste:

Ben Olsen: I think that you are lazy. [paraphrased]

Jaime Moreno: Dentist appointment.

Ben Olsen: I do not believe you. [paraphrased]

Jaime Moreno: 1:30 tee time.

Anyhow, the fantasy football league: Eskandarian is the commissioner, and he makes Gary Bettman look like Abraham Lincoln in terms of leadership. Last year he was mounting a dramatic come-from-behind win over Bobby Boswell in the semifinals thanks to a Santana Moss explosion, and Boswell text messaged him in amazement, and Eskandarian didn't know what Boswell was talking about. Like, he didn't know the playoffs were going on. And he was the commissioner. And he ended up winning the title.

Anyhow, he presides over a league that started with eight members and is now down to six. Six members! Ridiculous, right? ("These married guys, I guess they don't want to do anything," Esky said. "You'd be surprised man, most of the guys don't watch football. It's odd, man, I don't undertand it.") And the name of the league? "D.C. United, or something like that," he said. Plus the scoring system was screwed up in week one, but Esky never went back to fix the results.

"Alecko is a terrible commissioner," Boswell said. "He'll do anything to win, including cheating, and you can print that."

(Side note on Esky: in his rookie season, he was put on the phone with a female friend of a friend.

"She was like, 'Hey you play for D.C. United." he recounted. "I was like 'Yeah.' And she was like, 'You [bleeping bleep], you're killing my fantasy team.'" Then he wound up dating her.)

Team Names, many of which are wildly inappropriate

in ways I only vaguely understand, and hopefully in ways my editors don't understand at all.

Eskandarian: I Wear Headgear (and my smack talk is "and so does your mom," he said.)

Boswell: The Raw Dawgs

Andy Metcalf: Natrone Means Business

Jeff Carroll: C Dome ("It's an inside joke from high school," he said. "Oh," Eskandarian said, disdain shooting out of his eye balls. "Cool.")

Brian Carroll: School's Almost Over (Because he's almost done with school. The Carroll boys are the life of the party. B.C.'s other team in his other league is called Love Peace and Chicken Grease. "What the [bleep]?" Esky said. "You're strange, man.")

Justin Moose: Stinky Moose [Anatomy Part] (Moose didn't log on the Web site in time to name his team, so Esky named it for him.)

(Rumor has it there's also a DCU front office fantasy football league, btw.)

Esky's team is, predictably, ridiculously stacked: Peyton Manning, Edge James, Brian Westbrook, Marvin Harrison, Roy Williams, Lav Coles, etc. Six-team league, I guess.

"I'm pounding people left and right," he said. "It's sick."

He's 3-0, although Brian Carroll tried to explain that he would be 3-0 if he had started the right guys last week. And the franchise cost is something like $20, although that came as news to some members. Still, pro athletes, fantasy football, $20?

"The rookies, they can't put too much money in, but [bleep], I'll take it," Esky said.

Also, Boswell also let the computer pick his team, and he wound up with Donovan McNabb, whom he hates, being a Bucs fan. So he's just decided never to play him, but to keep him on his roster, so no one else can have him.

Also, several of the guys have English Premier League fantasy teams, which they seemed very excited about.

Lastly, Esky (a former UVA star) on Al Groh's performance: "It's not his fault. Our team just [isn't good]. I mean, the last three years we've gotten more guys in the NFL than ever before, we had some good-[bleep] players. He turned the program around. This year we lost all those guys."

I pointed out that there weren't very many ACC titles when all those guys were there.

"I mean, we're not Miami here, we've got academic standards to try to keep up, can't let people bring guns to the locker room and stuff like that," he said. "We were doing well, we were competiting with all those guys the past three years."

By Dan Steinberg  |  September 27, 2006; 3:33 PM ET
Categories:  D.C. United  
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