Agent Zero Stories Galore!!!!!
Er. Please read this crazy Esquire story which will make you feel crazy. Thing is, when you're talking to Gil and he says "I'm just normal," you sort of see what he means. He's normal because everything he does feels very normal to him; he was flabbergasted by the uproar he caused with the high-altitude tent. Just didn't understand. He just sits at home reading "Harry Potter" or putting together jigsaw puzzles inside his tent, because that's what he does.
I feel like I need the Wizznutzz to help me process the great wealth of greatness, but I know this will cause their eyeballs to explode if it hasn't already, so it might take a while for them to help us out. In the meantime, the highlights (and I know I'm kind of stealing this guy's numbered list thing, but look in the archive, that's what I do to, I don't know how else to do):
1) Gil dreams of playing basketball on desert islands amid circling fans on water skis, and of building an all-glass basketball court.
2) The Stealth says he's left his hotel room on road trips six or so times during his first five seasons, and that he's bought colon cleanser from an infomercial. (Frankly, I'm not sure I believe this one, since I'm almost positive I saw Gil outside his hotel room in Richmond earlier this month.)
3) Agent Zero says he'd like to own every movie in the world.
4) The Machine trained himself to sleep on the couch, because he doesn't like women touching him.
5) Gil felt like someone was controlling his shot from the stands when he missed those free throws against the Cavs.
EDIT: A commenter notes that I might have overstated this point. Granted, I might have. Gil told Esquire that the sequence reminded him of a movie in which someone controlls the ball from the stands.
6) The Stealth says he bites Awvee Storey while they wrestle. (Who doesn't, really?)
7) Agent Zero plays against his virtual self in Xbox, talking trash to virtual Gilbert.
8) The Machine says he once ate 12 hamburgers in one night, and all he does on the road is eat hamburgers. (Of course, this makes him not-unlike certain of my co-workers, but it's still interesting.)
9) Gil: "When I get a new cell phone, first thing I do is turn it off and call from my house phone and leave stupid little messages to myself. Like: "It's me." "It's me." "This is Gilbert." "It's me." "It's Gilbert." I just fill it up, so no one can leave messages."
There's so, so, so much more. Read read read.
I'm now willing to argue that our humble little market has either the best, most famous or weirdest young star in virtually every pro team sport: from Ovie (best) to Adu (most famous) to Gil and Portis (weirdest). Bloggers go to sleep happy at night with a foursome like that. Thanks, Stealth. Seriously, thanks. And thanks, Esquire.
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