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Agent Zero Stories Galore!!!!!

Er. Please read this crazy Esquire story which will make you feel crazy. Thing is, when you're talking to Gil and he says "I'm just normal," you sort of see what he means. He's normal because everything he does feels very normal to him; he was flabbergasted by the uproar he caused with the high-altitude tent. Just didn't understand. He just sits at home reading "Harry Potter" or putting together jigsaw puzzles inside his tent, because that's what he does.

I feel like I need the Wizznutzz to help me process the great wealth of greatness, but I know this will cause their eyeballs to explode if it hasn't already, so it might take a while for them to help us out. In the meantime, the highlights (and I know I'm kind of stealing this guy's numbered list thing, but look in the archive, that's what I do to, I don't know how else to do):

1) Gil dreams of playing basketball on desert islands amid circling fans on water skis, and of building an all-glass basketball court.

2) The Stealth says he's left his hotel room on road trips six or so times during his first five seasons, and that he's bought colon cleanser from an infomercial. (Frankly, I'm not sure I believe this one, since I'm almost positive I saw Gil outside his hotel room in Richmond earlier this month.)

3) Agent Zero says he'd like to own every movie in the world.

4) The Machine trained himself to sleep on the couch, because he doesn't like women touching him.

5) Gil felt like someone was controlling his shot from the stands when he missed those free throws against the Cavs.

EDIT: A commenter notes that I might have overstated this point. Granted, I might have. Gil told Esquire that the sequence reminded him of a movie in which someone controlls the ball from the stands.

6) The Stealth says he bites Awvee Storey while they wrestle. (Who doesn't, really?)

7) Agent Zero plays against his virtual self in Xbox, talking trash to virtual Gilbert.

8) The Machine says he once ate 12 hamburgers in one night, and all he does on the road is eat hamburgers. (Of course, this makes him not-unlike certain of my co-workers, but it's still interesting.)

9) Gil: "When I get a new cell phone, first thing I do is turn it off and call from my house phone and leave stupid little messages to myself. Like: "It's me." "It's me." "This is Gilbert." "It's me." "It's Gilbert." I just fill it up, so no one can leave messages."

There's so, so, so much more. Read read read.

I'm now willing to argue that our humble little market has either the best, most famous or weirdest young star in virtually every pro team sport: from Ovie (best) to Adu (most famous) to Gil and Portis (weirdest). Bloggers go to sleep happy at night with a foursome like that. Thanks, Stealth. Seriously, thanks. And thanks, Esquire.

By Dan Steinberg  |  October 12, 2006; 9:08 PM ET
Categories:  Wizards  
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Comments

I was gonna say, I think my favorite local sports celebrities (thanks largely to this blog) are Esky, A0 (Agent Zero for short), and Portis for their sheer hilarity.

Posted by: P.k. | October 12, 2006 9:51 PM | Report abuse

Ovie is by far the best athlete in this city, hands down. Portis is a colorful character and entertaining but he relies too much on his line and the strategy of his team. Don't even get me started on Gilbert and Adu. They are barely the best players on their respective teams while Ovechkin is, right now, one of the top 5 players in the NHL.

Posted by: Mr. Smooth | October 12, 2006 9:51 PM | Report abuse

It was a little odd when I read that Gil doesn't like women touching him, followed by the fact that he bites Awvee Storey. But, with anything that has to do with Arenas, I just think, "It's Gil being Gil."

Posted by: Colin | October 12, 2006 11:04 PM | Report abuse

didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao didi mao

Posted by: www.wizznutzz.com | October 13, 2006 12:20 AM | Report abuse

Smooth - Adu is most certainly not the top player on United, but, who is better than 'Bert on the Bullets?

Posted by: tmc | October 13, 2006 11:30 AM | Report abuse

"Don't even get me started on Gilbert and Adu. They are barely the best players on their respective teams while Ovechkin is, right now, one of the top 5 players in the NHL."

Don't hate, puckhead.

Posted by: Anonymous | October 13, 2006 12:02 PM | Report abuse

To be fair, if you had 12 hamburgers a night you'd need colon cleanser too.

Posted by: Sean O | October 13, 2006 1:50 PM | Report abuse

too be fair, from reading the article Gil doesn't like women touching him while he is trying to sleep but this is after he has sex with them

Posted by: will | October 13, 2006 3:14 PM | Report abuse

"5) Gil felt like someone was controlling his shot from the stands when he missed those free throws against the Cavs."

in the article he actually says "it reminded me of a movie" where the kid was controlling the ball.

on 9)

you cut out the portion where he explains why he calls himself[too many people calling him and leaving messages with lame stories]. i know your post is about making gilbert sound crazy, and admittedly he's different, but you have to admit portions of your post are misleading. not to mention we don't know what he says aren't exaggerations or said as jokes. the biting, for instance, seemed more like hyperbole than an actual cannibal-esque chomp-fest.

Posted by: kris | October 13, 2006 3:25 PM | Report abuse

I don't think I really overstated the sleeping on the couch thing, or the phone thing. I mean, obviously he's filling his mailbox so that people can't leave him annoying messages; that's what the quote says. My favorite part is that he has to say "it's me" on the message.

As for the controlling the shot thing....yeah, maybe I overstated that. But it was an odd thing to bring up, and an odd thing to be "reminded of." Still, I will edit the post, and I hope I didn't do injustice to the story or to Gil, who is hands-down the most compelling athlete I've met in this town.

I don't know Gilbert well, but in our interactions he's been completely charming and completely friendly and completely amusing. This seems to go along with that.

Posted by: SportsBog | October 13, 2006 3:56 PM | Report abuse

I didn't say Adu was the best player on his team, but c'mon, he's certainly the most famous, which is what I said. And Gil's the best player on the Wizards. No doubt.

Posted by: SportsBog | October 13, 2006 3:57 PM | Report abuse

fair enough. the couch thing was not misleading, but i do think the context of 13 people leaving messages on his phone every hour is important on 9], b/c when i first read it, it sounded a helluva lot crazier. but given his fame it just seems like a fun way to keep people from bombarding his phone. and who doesn't have weird dreams about work? gilbert's an eccentric, but not crazy. but maybe that was just my interpretation. i appreciate the edit.

Posted by: kris | October 13, 2006 4:37 PM | Report abuse

kris, i walk around with a little piece of paper stapled to the inside of my wallet that says "I Will Quit." trust me, i know from workplace eccentricities.

Posted by: SportsBog | October 13, 2006 5:24 PM | Report abuse

...and he's not even joking

Posted by: Unsilent Majority | October 13, 2006 5:31 PM | Report abuse

"Don't even get me started on Gilbert and Adu. They are barely the best players on their respective teams while Ovechkin is, right now, one of the top 5 players in the NHL."

That may be true about Ovechkin, however, it's only relevant to the 7 remaining Americans who follow the NHL.

Posted by: DrStephenPoop | October 13, 2006 5:38 PM | Report abuse

How can you say that Ovechkin is the best athlete in the city? He can't even get his team into the playoffs!! Not that anyone even cares. Arenas is one of top 10 players in a league populated by superior athletes. You can't say that about hockey.

Posted by: mitchman | October 14, 2006 10:15 AM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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