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Cavaliers Idol

So we're not the only ones that can't think of anything to write about this series. The Cleveland Plain Dealer, having given up on all the bad quotes that abound in this series, has moved on to the solicitation of bad singing. Like, cosmically bad singing.

Actually, I still haven't seen "Idol Gives Back."

The paper wanted to do Cavaliers Idol. Many players, including The King, were uncooperative. The final roster wound up being Scot Pollard (singing "Stardust,"), Mike Brown (singing "Happy Birthday" to a reporter who was not, I believe, actually celebrating a birthday) and Mark Price (on an old gospel recording from 1991, "Stand Steadfast," although couldn't he be on "Bullets Idol?") The paper also solicited expert commentary from, among others, Ira Newble. It's a fine concept, ruined only by the non-participation of the humorless Cavs, and also by the fact that they sing like intoxicated geese. Here's the link to the tunes, but I'll be honest, you should only follow that link if you're legally deaf. My brief scribbled notes:

Pollard: Given his musical background, he surprisingly had some trouble settling into the key. Nice tone: warm, like a mahogany table covered with melted butter and sprinkled with droplets of lemon grass essence. Better singer than Phil Stacey, worse singer than Andray Blatche. Strange choice of songs, and he never really made it his own. Just keeping it real: it was only ok for me. But I think he'll be ok this week.

Brown: Breaktakingly awful. Displayed all the musical sensibilities of a llama. His phrasing shows the deft touch of Michael Ruffin around the basket. Would have done better by banging spoons rhythmically on the heads of Ilgauskas and Drew Gooden.

Mark Price: Flashy production values. Horrific singing. Thin and wheezy and thoroughly unappealing, like 1930s broth, like watery grits, like a puddle of dirty melted snow, like diluted infant formula mixed with baby Zantac.

If I subscribed to the Plain Dealer, I would promptly end my subscription. To make it up to you, here are highlights of Mark Price, in Portuguese.

By Dan Steinberg  |  April 27, 2007; 10:41 AM ET
Categories:  Wizards  
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