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Bobby Boswell Judges Your Cereals

Why are some of you accusing me of ignoring Ben Olsen's hat trick? Have you no faith at all? Later this afternoon, I'll have a post with some D.C. United teammates critiquing Ben Olsen's goal-scoring celebrations. Don't doubt me. In the meantime....

A few weeks back, I mentioned how Bobby Boswell aka the Cereal Whisperer believes you can judge a person by their Top 5 favorite breakfast cereals. Many of you wrote in with your Top 5 cereals, for Boswell's perusal. Today, he offered some commentary. After the jump, because this is exceedingly long for breakfast cereal analysis.

Person: Kim

List: Honey Nut Cheerios, Corn Flakes, Frosted Flakes, Honeycomb, Raisin Bran, in no particular order

Boswell's Take: Kim is very simple. Kim is not adventurous at all. Kim basically conforms, she's a conformist. She goes with what everyone goes with. I mean, everyone in the world has tried those five cereals, and the fact that she hasn't thrown in even one [change-up] means that she's, I'm not gonna say boring, but I'm willing to bet she also likes the Yankees and whoever wins the Super Bowl every year.

Person: Mike in SD

List: Berry Berry Kix, Fruity Pebbles, Puffins, Honey Bunches of Oats
Donkey Kong, Jr. (they obviously don't make this anymore, but it was the greatest cereal ever so I had to include it.)

Boswell's Take: I think Mike in San Diego is a little more on the feminine side. He probably lays out a lot in San Diego. It's nice weather. And I'm willing to bet he shaves his legs. Honey Bunches of Oats, he threw a healthy one in there, but he probably doesn't even like Honey Bunches of Oats. And the fact that he has Donkey Kong Junior, a cereal that no one has ever heard of--and he knows that they have never heard of it because he justifies it--just means that he's the exact opposite of Kim. He probably doesn't like anything normal. He probably likes the Kansas City Royals and probably the Cleveland Browns. He roots against Tiger Woods. He's just anti-conformist, an oddball.

Person: Chris in SS (Or, "Chris in Shortstop," as Boswell would have it.)

List: (Though the order could change on a box by box basis.) 1. Kellogg's Frosted Flakes, 2. Cap'n Crunch Berries, 3. Apple Jacks, 4. Raisan Bran (2 scoops!), 5. Fruity Pebbles. Froot Loops receives an Honorable Mention.

Boswell's Take: Another indecisive guy. He put an honorable mention, spelled incorrectly. So obviously he doesn't know his cereals very well. [Steven Goff, attempting to conduct real journalism, then pointed out that "Froot" was correct. Bobby apologized to Shortstop and moved on.]

A box to box basis? See, this isn't what I'm going for. I'm counting on people having tried a lot. We're going to analyze him anyway. Frosted Flakes, simple man. Captain Crunch Berries, eh, that means he carried it over from his childhood. Same with Apple Jacks, because Apple Jacks is one of those your parents buy you. I don't like the two scoops of Raisin Bran. That means he's kind of picky. That's a little anal for me, a little meticulous.

Person: MDG (Or, "Miller Draft Genuine," as Boswell would have it.)

List: 1. Honey Nut Cheerios, 2. Smart Start, 3. Cinnimon Toast Crunch, 4. Apple Cinnimon Cheerios, 5. Kix

Boswell's Take: All right, we've got a lot of cinnamon here, they're a cinnamony type of person. That's not how you spell cinnamon, right? Well, we've already established that I can't spell, so no comment there. The Smart Start as their second one and the Honey Nut Cheerios first, kind of healthy eater, kind of all the way around. Pretty bland. Probably a dry person, probably a good sense of sarcasm, and then the Kix at the end means they're probably childish. Because if you eat Kix you probably like the dog commercial.

Person: SteveWWJ (Or, "Steve: What Would Josh?", as Boswell Would Have it.

List: 10 cereals, including a long story about devouring Honey Comb while watching cartoons with a friend, and some parentheticals: Crunch Berries (a.k.a. mouth shredders), Cinnamon Toast Crunch (even if it leaves a weird film on the roof of your mouth).

Boswell's Take: "Steve: What Would Josh?" is a stoner. Look, Crunch Berries, aka mouth shredders? Cinnamon Toast Crunch even if it leaves a weird film on your mouth? No buddy, that's cotton mouth. Smoking a little bit too much of the natural herb.

Really? Listen, if you're sitting around the house playing video games while [your] friends' parents aren't there, watching Transformers or cartoons, and you devour the entire box? Yeah, you're not sober. Look at his other ones, they're all kind of cereals you can eat a massive amount of: Golden Grahams, Honey Combs, Corn Puffs, Frosted Flakes. Frosted Mini Wheats not so much. That's probably to clean his system. Lucky Charms, he probably takes all the marshmallows and puts 'em in a ball and just devours the ball.

And then we found another comment from SteveWWJ about cereal: Oh, here he goes. His attention to detail? He's probably stoned right now writing this.

By Dan Steinberg  |  June 13, 2007; 2:54 PM ET
Categories:  D.C. United  
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Next: "Just Run Like An Idiot": On D.C. United and Goals

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