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Ryan Wagner Looks for Cows on the Intertubes

As noted below, Stuart Scott does not care at which restaurants professional athletes dine. As should be abundantly clear, I do. Which is why, I now present 12 meaningless facts about injured Nats reliever Ryan Wagner, who is visiting with Dr. James Andrews next week, which isn't a great sign. These facts came were from a pre-game conversation a few weeks ago involving me, Ryan Wagner, two Nats employees and a bunch of fans, including fan Jerry Podorski.

Earlier in this particular evening, fan Jerry Padorski had shouted out an excited greeting to Mike Wise, asking him why he wasn't on television on this particular day. Jerry Padorski did not ask me the same question. Or, frankly, have any idea who I was. I took great offense. Perhaps in order to make me feel better about this slight, Jerry Padorski later e-mailed me about our conversation with Ryan Wagner.

"Seriously what is he on the DL for, breaking his sense of humor?" Jerry asked, but this was probably an unfair cheap shot. Ryan Wagner made it very clear to us that he would not be providing Bog fodder.

"We're not very interesting," he said. "We do the same thing every day. Every day. The interesting stuff I can't tell you....I'm boring off the field, man. I've got a wife and kids. That's not what people want to hear about, the wife-and-kids guy. They want to hear about partying. It's hard to find time, man. By the time you get out of the game it's like 11, and it's like, 'all right you've been at the ballpark all day long.'..."

Nevertheless, the 12 facts:

1) He finds it hard to keep up with television shows during the season, so he concentrates on context-less shows, the CSI's, the Law and Orders. Also "Grey's Anatomy." "Grey's Anatomy?"

"I've got a wife, dude," he said. "I like the chick flicks. Oh, I love chick flicks."

2) Completely ignoring the fact that Stuart Scott doesn't care about where athletes eat dinner, for Mother's Day, Ryan Wagner and family went to Don Pablo's.

"It's hard for us to eat anywhere real nice very often, because we've got a two-year-old and a sixth-month-old," he told me. "And that doesn't sit real well with yelling and, not being bad, but playing. There's only so many times you can tell a two-year-old to sit down. It's not worth it."

Can't wait for my daughter to turn two.

3) Despite the facts-on-the-ground of my life, Ryan Wagner said that having one kid is actually easy. Two kids, he said, is another story.

4) Does he have to change diapers? "Ha," he said. "Believe it. Oh yeah."

5) He'd rather be a basketball player.

"Dude, I love NCAA football and basketball," he said. "I'm not a big baseball fan. Baseball's my least favorite sport out of the three major sports. I'm being serious. I've told so many people that, they can't believe it. I'd rather play football and basketball, I'm just better at baseball."

6) He was recruited to play tight end at Texas A&M and Texas Tech, but blew out his knee twice, ending that.

7) He doesn't use the Internet much, but when he does, it's to look at classified ads for tractors and cows. "Sales dude," he explained. "I look for good sales."

See, he grew up on a ranch with about two dozen beef cows. He told me his favorite place to look for cows is the Web site for the Victoria Advocate. I just went there. Sure enough, there are many cows advertised.

The confused city dwellers (me, the Nats staffers) wondered whether he actually purchases cows via the Innerwebs.

"Well you wouldn't buy it on the Internet, you'd call," he told us, as if he were addressing a class of first graders. "I wouldn't buy a cow on the Internet."

8) He grew up in Yoakum, Texas, which, "believe it or not," he told us, "is the leather capital of the world."

"Y'all just don't know enough about it," he told us. "Like gun straps and stuff like that, like if you were to look on the back of 'em, a lot of 'em are going to say, 'Yoakum, Texas.' Saddles, and stuff like that."

He was also very, very upset with us for not having heard of Cabela's, which is apparently a chain of outdoors-y stores. Sorry.

9) I asked whether he'd hold it against me that I wear fake leather shoes and fake leather belts.

"You know what, you eat beef, keep doing that, that's how we make money," he said.

I told him I was a vegetarian.

"Never mind, you don't eat beef," he said. "I don't like you."

10) During most of this inanity, he was continuing to sign autographs, talk with fans, etc. One kid came up shyly and just stood there, staring. "What's the worst thing that can happen, dude," Ryan Wagner said to the kid.

11) Ryan Wagner and his wife go to the dance hall every weekend when they're in Yoakum Yocum. I asked what you do at the dance hall.

"You dance, brother," he said. I asked what type of music.

"Country, boy," he said. "It's Texas. Two-step. Waltz. Polka. To the left, to the right...."

"Ever since I could stinkin' walk, my parents always went to dances. Growing up, no baby sitter, I'd go with 'em. I'd fall asleep on the table, and mom and dad taught me how to dance. Every time we get a chance, me and the wife are dancing."

12) His wife's dad is basically the town doctor. His father is basically the town little league coach. So they had to invite all of Yoakum to their wedding. They invited 2,000 people. Twelve hundred people came. They had a big dance.

By Dan Steinberg  |  June 1, 2007; 2:35 PM ET
Categories:  Nats  
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Next: New Mystics Coach: Tree Rollins


"Can't wait for my daughter to turn two" - yeah, just wait until she turns twelve...

Posted by: jhorstma | June 1, 2007 4:43 PM | Report abuse

Definitely gotta get Wagner in on the Atlantic 11 later this year.

Posted by: Reader Glenn | June 1, 2007 4:45 PM | Report abuse

Yoakum? Or Yocum? Come on, pick one.

Posted by: norske | June 1, 2007 6:18 PM | Report abuse

I think it's possible Ryan Wagner did break his sense of humor. He should really get on the bandwagon and start providing fodder for the Bog.

Posted by: Anonymous | June 1, 2007 9:25 PM | Report abuse

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Posted by: qessddixvg | June 21, 2007 11:08 PM | Report abuse

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