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Which Redskin Will Protect You Best?

Dan Steinberg is on vacation. Despite his massive photo above, this was not written by him. It was written by Will Allensworth of the blog Hogs Haven, which you must read. Other guest bloggers will check in later today, and possibly tomorrow. Anyhow, Hogs Haven writes below, and please provide extra comments to make him feel at home:

Since I'm a skinny wimp with a drinking problem, I spend a lot of my time planning elaborate schemes to avoid getting beaten up when drunk in public. I'm always looking for weapons, for instance. Bottles, bar stools, human shields, peanuts, etc. Basically whatever is available that I can use to fend off the physically dominant beasts that would do bodily harm to yours truly.

The hypothetical: You're at a bar and you've had too much to drink. You insult a group of rival fans--we'll say five-to-six guys--and they're all bigger than you. Your friends, if you have any (I don't) are relieving themselves or passed out or arrested or what have you. The opposing fans commit to pummeling your world and begin the beat down, when all of a sudden Redskins Player X approaches from the shadows, says "He's with me" (in a non-threatening, non-sexual way). The question is, if you got to choose whichever player you wanted, who would represent Player X?

Allow me:

Andre Carter
Pros: He's over 250 pounds and is made of Pure Evil.
Cons: Breaks late. Fight could be over before he starts eating the souls of your assailants.

Andre Carter (By Jonathan Newton - The Post)

As a bodyguard, Carter has the look. His thousand-yard stare suggests time spent in the muck, perhaps in the Southeast Asia area. The Horror. The Horror. Clearly he's large enough to bat away opponents with ease. Even better, they might simply decide the fight isn't worth it, and leave you be. The only downside is that, as Carter demonstrated last year in Washington, he's most productive over the second half of a season fight. Four of his six sacks in 2006 came in December. There's a real possibility that you could be bleeding/dying in the hospital before Carter decides to unleash the business on the rival fans.

Chris Cooley
Pros: Homophobic assailants might not want to mess with this.
Cons: Probably has better things to do than defend you, like fraternizing with cheerleaders.

Physical tools are there, though you'd be better off with one of the larger Redskins. Short shorts could turn off homophobic rivals, though it might just enrage them further. Might be a worthwhile pick just for the possibility of him screaming "CAPTAIN CHAOS" while unleashing pain.

Chris Cooley (By JimmiJo - SkinsCast)
Phillip Daniels Pros: Size and experience. 34 years young, 'yotch. Cons: Allegedly losing weight.

This is a solid pick, top to bottom. He's old, which we'll call "seasoned," and even undersized, he's at least 270. His glowing red eyes can cast doubt on even the meanest bar pugilist's sense of self worth. Some might worry that his age could lead to mid-fight hip injuries, but I think he's got a lot of gas left in the tank.

Santana Moss
Pros: Speed. He's like a ninja.
Cons: Size definitely an issue.

I put Santana in the finals based on his speed alone. He could dance around and avoid punches while dishing out his own Moss-esque justice. Really though, as much as I love Santana Moss, I don't know if he's up to the task of a five-on-one fight at ~200 lbs. If you want finesse, go with Santana. I want to avoid internal bleeding.

Clinton Portis
Pros: Celebrity status may wow enemies. Comes with an entourage.
Cons: If they're dog lovers...

Good mix of size and speed. Portis plays with a high motor on the football field, so we'll assign similar intensity to fights. Above-average blocker to protect me from fists and broken bottles. If things end badly, Dr. Don't Know can operate or stabilize while Sheriff Gonna Gecha and Inspector 2-2 investigate criminal charges. If things go really badly, Reverend Gonna Change will take care of my soul.

Randy Thomas
Pros: Huge size + insatiable appetite. Could eat opponents
Cons: Seems too nice.

Randy Thomas (By John McDonnell - TWP)

He's on the happy side of 300 lbs and is the best blocker on the team. Harm could be avoided just by staying in his shadow. My big concern with Thomas is that he seems like a genuinely nice guy, and might try to talk our way out of fisticuffs rather than administering justice. Also, he once lost a shrimp-eating contest to a 100-pound woman. Just sayin'.

Sean Taylor
Pros: Could be armed with more than fists.
Cons: Doesn't that make me an accessory?
Pffft, I'll take my chances with the authorities. Taylor's fearlessness, ability to hit hard, and knowledge of the ways of the world are pros that I find admirable in a bodyguard. Five? Make it 10 guys, and I'd still pick Sean Taylor. Landslide.

By Dan Steinberg  |  July 23, 2007; 10:59 AM ET
Categories:  Redskins  
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