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Why Sports Are Stupid

Did you see the massive USA Today A-1 headline screaming out from the newspaper boxes all weekend?

"For these QBs, it's win now ... or else."

Seriously man, win now or else life as we know it will end. (Eduardo Munoz - Reuters)

In large letters, letting readers now that "Or Else" was really, really bad. And so I had to wonder, or else what, USA Today? Win now, or else the earth will be thrown off its axis and will then tragically explode in a paroxysm of flames and destruction and ruined sports wagers? Win now, or else a bus will crash high in the Andes? Win now, or else the girl dies? I mean, seriously, the front page?

And then I watched ESPN's Tom Rinaldi interview Jean Van de Velde about his British Open collapse from eight years ago. Van de Velde, as he always does, very sensibly said it wasn't really all that important. Rinaldi refused to believe this, 37 times in a row. He seemed so ticked, Rinaldi, that Van de Velde wasn't crying or wailing about how his life would never be the same or how he was ruined, ruined, ruined all because of that one golf hole and that cursed burn. The golfer--who is also, mind you, battling some mysterious illness--kept saying it was just a game, that winning wasn't everything, that his life was just fine. Rinaldi wasn't having it. Rinaldi obviously thought Van de Velde was a little girlie who deserved to be picked last for dodge ball. You're apparently not allowed to be pleasantly unconcerned about athletic domination.

Luckily, the only sporting event I came in personal contact with this weekend was the Bowie Baysox game on Saturady night. Unluckily, I was there for "Dancing With the Stars" night, for which someone had decided I was proper material to be one of the dancing stars. This meant that four equally unlucky instructors from were forced to listen to me wailing about my rhythmic deficiencies for seven innings, until I finally was allowed to go on the field and attempt to Meringue Merengue for 80 seconds, at which time I promptly forgot all my steps and sort of wobbled about the third-base line with my partners for several hours, until the umpire finally told me to scram. I even forgot my elaborately choreographed celebration sequence, which was to pay homage to Sammy Sosa, Ronaldhino and DeShawn Stevenson. The instructors were very nice and kind and gentle, and their company should be properly patronized, but I was awful.

My competition was WJLA's popular weather person Brian van de Graaff, who, thanks to years of being On Your Side, had lots of fans who were clearly On His Side. Also, he is naturally blessed with what the instructors called "Cuban Motion." Trust me, I am not.

Anyhow, I need a few more days to collect myself, but there will be video of the dance-off on CSN's Washington Post Live tonight, and later on the blog, and there will be some more guest blogging, and at least we have this massive photo set of shots from Chris Samuels's birthday Luau with which to amuse ourselves in the meantime. Gilbert and Clinton Portis were both apparently there.

By Dan Steinberg  |  July 23, 2007; 9:42 AM ET
Categories:  Media  
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"Win now, or else a bus will crash high in the Andes?"

A bus you say?

Posted by: Unsilent Majority | July 23, 2007 10:06 AM | Report abuse

I've seen Steinz dance, and he's not bad.

Posted by: Jamie Mottram | July 23, 2007 10:11 AM | Report abuse

clinton AND gilbert???????

Posted by: littles | July 23, 2007 10:11 AM | Report abuse

You should post a blog update that gives grades to your guest bloggers for the past week. Points for originality, interest, and insight.

Posted by: Do ittttt | July 23, 2007 10:23 AM | Report abuse

Your celebration reminds me that I have no ideas to celebrate goals in my indoor soccer game tonight. My last celebration was to run off the field and leave the building, only to loop the whole complex and return. It took about a full minute.

Posted by: Chest Rockwell | July 23, 2007 10:35 AM | Report abuse

I beleive Meringue is the tasty dessert, Merengue the dance

Posted by: Matt | July 23, 2007 11:07 AM | Report abuse

van de Graaff may have been the winner, but you were the headliner. The Baysox sign along 301 was pimping Dan Steinberg of the Washington Post for Saturday's game. It was amazing.

Posted by: Shawn | July 23, 2007 3:05 PM | Report abuse

Sports don't mean anything except to enrich the owners because there are suckers out their who buy the tickets at the ridiculous prices. so it is another massive wealth transfer from the middle class to the rich. whooopee!

sports mean squat for life on earth.

Posted by: Don't Tread on Me! | July 23, 2007 3:43 PM | Report abuse

dont tread on me wrote:
so it is another massive wealth transfer from the middle class to the rich.

silly statement-- how many poor people have becoem millionaire athletes? answer: tons. dont tread on me is way off base.

Posted by: scott | July 23, 2007 4:04 PM | Report abuse

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