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Fred Smoot's Energy Bar


I'll take 12 crates, please.

Eternal thanks and praise are due to Mister Irrelevant, which unveiled the previously unknown (to me) Web site of Fred Smoot's Energy Bar company, titled, of course, Smack. I could never sum up the bar's qualities as well as this:

Have you ever had a chocolate bar that has such great taste, 100% Vitamin C, 100% Vitamin D, 100% Vitamin A, 50% Calcium (as much Calcium as a glass of chocolate milk) and this is just the tip of the iceberg of the nutrition and health factors you will get from its great tasting soft crunchy chocolate goodness....

This chocolate energy bar is made for EVERYONE and not just those extremely bulky bald headed men that pull trains and planes in Australia for "Worlds Strongest Man" competitions and bench press 400lbs in Gold's Gym, or wear gold panties and come out very oiled and flex their backs and butts as hard as possible to win a gold statue (that is also flexing its back and butt). We believe you could eat real good, get great vitamins and calcium, a smack of energy, and still have chocolate stained lips and fingertips to signify your satisfaction after eating a couple of these bars in such a rush because we are yet to meet anyone that had only one bar at a time.

'Dre Blatche, on board.

Wait, is this a joke? Are The Wizznutzz writing the marketing materials? According to the site, The chocolate-flavored bars only reached D.C. in November, but the rollout has been strong. Parties at Lush and Posh. Free handouts at a Howard-American men's basketball game. A red carpet party featuring Dre Blatche and Carlos Rogers. A MySpace page that includes the rest of the product description:

And please in a situation where you are tempted to eat the bars in the store before ringing them up because the store line is too long, try not to tear the part of the wrap with the bar code as you rush to rip open your smack bars and unleash the chocolate ecstacy [sic] onto your tongue and into your body. Do not eat too much as you may get too hyper and burst through everyone in front of you and in 2 seconds or less give the cashier a very long smart reason why you need to be rung up immediately.

Excuse me, while I drive out to Redskins Park and camp out in front of Smoot's locker for the next 24 hours. Tomorrow should be fine, very fine. I'm going to unleash the chocolate ecstacy [sic].

And the point of the Mister Irrelevant post was that Smoot and Portis were both puking on Thursday, Portis because of bad fried shrimp from P.F. Chang's. A commenter points out that for once, Joe Gibbs could legitimately claim that his players fought their guts out.

By Dan Steinberg  |  December 11, 2007; 1:29 PM ET
Categories:  Redskins  
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