Smoot's Handing Out New Nicknames
This is a long dialogue. Very, very long. But today's second practice is special teams only, and the media room has cleared out, and, after I published two massive Fred Smoot nickname dialogues last year, I figure might as well keep riding the Fred Smoot Nickname train out to the land of inscrutable Southern-twanged incomprehensibility. Trust me, in person, this is all a lot closer to that scene from Airplane that it probably reads. I'd post the video, but...well, you know.
Me: Did you hear Fred's new nickname?
Carlos Rogers: Nah, what's his nickname?
Me: He said it's Brother O'Dell Pass the Biscuits Pappy O'Daniels.
Carlos: Man, that crazy guy is always bringing up something with Brother O'Dell Pass the Biscuits Pappy O'Daniels. Where he at anyway? He gonna name some crazy joint every week, some crazy names.
Me: So what's your name this season?
Carlos: Man, you gotta ask him. Hey, Smoot! [Calling to Smoot, who was in the middle of an interview.] When you get through, come here! He got a name for everybody. He call me Roach Rogers. I don't know what that means. I don't know where he came up with it. When I came back off my injury that's what he's been calling me. You're gonna have to ask him, he know everything.
Me: When did he start with the Brother O'Dell thing?
Carlos: That was this summer.
Me: And he never told you what it means or anything?
Carlos: I never know. Where he come up with these names, I don't know. He has his own meaning. The guy is off. He's out there. He's off.
Me: Last year you guys had that Johan one, remember?
Carlos: Yeah yeah yeah, that was my name, Johan Cavalli Valentino.
Me: Where did you actually come up with that one? Because there's a soccer player named Johan Cavalli, right?
Carlos: Right. You look at soccer players names and you look at baseball players names and you just come up with your good name.
Me: Why soccer and baseball?
Carlos: They got different names.
Me: Well, because they're from Italy...
Carlos: See, he crazy. [Pointing to Smoot.] He just look crazy. There's something wrong with him. Put some clothes on! [To a shirtless Malcolm Kelly.]
Me: You ever see that movie 'O Brother, Where Art Thou?' You ever heard of that movie?
Carlos: I don't really watch movies. Just never been into 'em. Never been into 'em. I never been into movies....[Smoot approaches.] Ask him. Ask him about the Brother O'Dell.
Me: It's from O Brother Where Art Thou.
Smoot: And that's where it came from, O Brother Where Art Thou, and I NEVER knew you watched movies like that. You remember, I was trying to GIVE you movies to watch. That was one of them.
Me: I had to Google that. I've never seen that movie.
Smoot: Great movie. Watch it. It's got, uh, who in it?
Me: George Clooney.
Smoot: George Clooney. A couple guys. Watch it. He never seen it. [Gesturing at Rogers.]
Me: I think you got the names wrong a little bit though. It's not Pappy O'Daniels, it's Pappy O'Daniel.
Smoot: No, I switched it to what I wanted it to be. I got the basics from that movie right there.
Carlos: So you just look at a movie that you know nobody gonna see, and you gonna copy it?
Smoot: Nah, I didn't copy it. Like I said, I integrated the name into what it becomes now: MY name.
Me: But no one on this team actually knows your name.
Smoot: They know Brother O'Dell. He know Brother O'Dell. [Gesturing at Rogers.]
Carlos: What do Pass the Biscuits as a name mean?
Smoot: I come from a long line of Pass the Biscuits. I come from a long line of 'em.
Me: What's Roach Rogers?
Smoot: He went under Roach Rogers last year. He gonna get a new name this year.
Me: But what's the Roach mean?
Smoot: 'Cause he was roach-legged. He bow-legged. You know, most roaches I know is bow-legged, so we named him Roach Rogers. It just happened like that. Nicknames, you don't pick it, nobody picks it, you just fall into it.
Me: So you gonna come up with a new one for him this year then?
Smoot: It's just gonna happen. It's gonna be one play, or sometime we sitting in the meeting room, Bam! there go his name.
Me: You got any names for any of the rookies yet?
Smoot: They have to earn one. Now Blue Foot, he has a new name.
Me: Oh, he does? Shawn?
Smoot: Yeah, he goes by the Bloody Bloke.
Me: The Bloody Blow?
Smoot: The Bloody Bloke.
Me: The Bloody Bloke? Why is that?
Smoot: Because he think he's from England. Now he's the Bloody Bloke.
Me: Why's he think he's from England?
Smoot: How he dresses. How he acts.
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