Redskins Locker Room Talk
Last year, Mark Brunell had the locker directly to the left of the entrance to the showers. I guess it's a prime veteran spot, since you don't have to walk across the whole room wearing your towel, and you only have a neighbor on one side. Brunell is no longer on the Redskins, and so Mike Sellers has now claimed the spot. To his right is Chris Samuels. Sellers is kind of a noisier sort than Brunell, so I asked Samuels whether his life has changed because of his new neighbor.
(I guess I'll go ahead and give a preemptive warning that much of this conversation was probably not fit for church, so if you're very easily offended, you might not want to read this. I mean, I wasn't offended, but I also thought VIP porta-potties and fake poo in real toilets were appropriate for this venue.)
Anyhow, I asked Samuels how his life has changed.
"He's always prancing around naked," Samuels said of Sellers. "I don't understand it."
Here he interrupted Sellers, who was trying to do a TV interview.
"He asked me a question, he said 'How has your life changed since you've been over here,' " Samuels told Sellers. "I said, 'Oh my God, he's always prancing around naked.' I don't get it, man."
"You know how many times I've looked up and he's come out of the shower and there's a big old butt cheek in my face?" Sellers replied
"He's lying, he's lying," Samuels said.
Anyhow, today's Sellers-Samuels partnership kicked off with Sellers dumping about a kilo of baby powder into Samuels pants, and Samuels then standing up and pulling down his pants and swatting the powder into Sellers's face while the few teammates in the room snickered.
"Oh, that's all butt powder, too," said Sellers, as he made fake choking noises. "You sprayed butt powder all over me."
"That's what you get," Samuels said. "You shouldn't have put it in there. At least I'm gonna be fresh out there. Hey you know what? The way my stomach's been acting up, I needed that."
I asked some unrelated questions, and then asked something having to do with Jim Zorn's pre-game routine. Samuels hadn't noticed.
"I'm too busy with a nervous stomach somewhere," he said.
"I don't even eat before games," Sellers said. "I'd toss it up. It will not stay down."
"I'll eat, but it took me probably two and a half, three hours to eat my pre-game meal [in Dallas]," Samuels said. "I just had to take a bite here, bite there."
"I'll eat about eight Tums, no joke," Sellers said.
"Acid reflux," Samuels said.
"That's why I can't eat, because I'm not embarrassing myself out there," Sellers said. "He eats everything," he said, pointing to Samuels.
"Just noodles," Samuels said.
"Don't even," Sellers scoffed. "He gets a little bit of this, a little bit of that."
"Please, I don't mix all that stuff, my stomach can't take it," Samuels said.
"Look at him," Sellers disagreed.
"The best 320 pounds you've ever seen," Samuels said.
"You know he's had a C Section?" Sellers asked the crowd. "Show him your scar."
"Hernia operation," Samuels said, showing us his scar.
Just to make sure, I asked whether it was cool if I included all this. (And there were some other choice bits that did not get the seal of approval, which is a real shame.) The butt powder, though, was deemed ok.
"Yeah, he needs butt powder," Sellers concluded.
"You need to put it in your mouth," Samuels said. "I'm sick of sitting by you, smelling that."
In total, this was a conversation I have never, ever had with the person whose desk is next to mine. Your move, Sheinin.
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