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Baseball Inventions and Haircuts


The Hitman.

When I explained to Jason Bergmann who I was and why I was here in Viera, and when he realized that this meant The Post had two writers on the premises before position players had even reported, he put two and two together and got .366.

"Lose 120 games, everyone wants to talk to us," he noted, which was a great line.

Anyhow, while getting some brief video of Bergmann explaining the crazy Viera nightlife (it involved the sound of crickets), I did learn a few other things.

* He wants to come up with an invention called the Sit-Up Stabilizer, a 50-pound weight with a little slot to insert your feet that would allow you to do extended sets of sit-ups by yourself, without a trainer holding onto your feet.

"I think it's genius," he said. "$29.95, and I would have Billy Mays market it."

Because I don't watch television, I wasn't familiar with Billy Mays, which was shocking, I know.

"You've never seen 'Billy Mays Here for OxiClean?' " Bergmann marveled. "That guy's in commercials every day. He gets the job done."

* In other news, Bergmann shaved his head in the offseason, but he did it in the most Gilbert Arenas way possible. Really.

"I didn't like my hair the way it was," he explained, "and right after Thanksgiving I came home and I said, 'Heads we keep the hair, tails we shave it.' It landed heads, and I decided to shave it anyway."

He said he had already decided to shave his hair, and that he's not sure exactly why he flipped the coin. Of course, Gilbert would have flipped the coin 10 times before disobeying it, but that's beside the point. Bergmann's wife actually gave him the idea last year, when he got an "awesome black pinstriped suit and a wonderful red tie," and when he briefly pushed his hair back and his wife said he'd look just like Timothy Olyphant in "Hitman" if he shaved his head. "Cool," Bergmann thought.

"So that's been my goal, to be like the Hitman," he concluded. "It's just generic: bald guy with black suit and red tie. Which is actually kind of similar to my wedding outfit."

* Bergmann also talked about how baseball players kind of "let things go a little bit," in the offseason, and how "everyone grows a beard. It's kind of weird, everyone comes in and tells stories about how big their beard grew in the offseason," he added.

* Josh Towers, on the other hand, went with an offseason European-influenced fauxhawk, because, he said, "I'm just tired of normal, so I switch my hair up all the time."

"It's hard to find somebody who knows how to cut a mullet into a mohawk," he said. I asked for the feedback he's received.

"I get a lot of people who probably don't say something because they don't know, because it's just not normal, they're not used to it," he said. "Then I get people who are a little bit creative who enjoy it. I'm sure there's people out there who think it looks stupid, but nobody ever really comes up and says that. You can't really tell what's going on, it just looks like hair everywhere."

Jesus Flores has a slightly similar thing going on, and he and Towers discussed the merits of fauxhawks. Trust me, this one puts Mike Green's to shame, but Towers thought I was a hater so no photos for now.

By Dan Steinberg  |  February 17, 2009; 3:48 PM ET
Categories:  Nats  
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Next: Randy St. Claire and His Jerky

Comments

Bummer about the photos. Billy Mays is okay, but Jason might want to consider Vince of ShamWow and Slap Chop fame:

http://www.infomercial-hell.com/blog/2008/12/17/slap-chop-commercial-vince-from-shamwow-makes-a-triumphant-return/

Posted by: natsfan1a1 | February 17, 2009 3:54 PM | Report abuse

You'll love his nuts.

Posted by: tha_prophet | February 17, 2009 4:48 PM | Report abuse

Josh Towers thought you were a hater. Is that a compliment or insult?

Posted by: JohninMpls | February 18, 2009 1:47 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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