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About That "Crosby Sucks" Anthem



Second in a three-part Monday morning series on personalities your typical D.C. sports fan doesn't like much.

If you're like me, your only experience with the metal/rap/rock group Pummeler came last spring, when their Caps anthem "Ovechkin" made a brief Internet splash, and likely caused ear-drum bleeding in a certain sub-set of Caps followers. "Elmo's Song," it wasn't.

The band consists of three siblings who consider themselves "the anti-Jonas Brothers," men who "would wear IMpurity rings, but the nastiness of our flesh would corrode the metal in seconds," as one of them wrote me. (Their MySpace page is here; language warning.) You could buy their music on Amazon, if you wanted, but I have to give you an "explicit language" warning even to go look at the offerings. In fact, go wash your mouth out with soap right now, just to make sure.

The gents used to play out in clubs, but now, one wrote, they're all 'sedentary and complacent American schlubs with 'serious' day jobs and various athletic obsessions that make us sore and thirsty for scotch." Sorta like your typical sports columnist.

Anyhow, you can't keep a good artist down, and hence, the creativity of Pummeler still roams the Internet. Their latest piece of work: "Crosby Sucks." If you haven't listened to it yet, please do, immediately. Sample lyrics:

Canadian sensation, well at least on certain stations;
A poster child for Francophiles who dance to Zombie Nation.
All his fans are morons who defend his every stunt;
And the "C" that's on his chest, well it really stands for...

Haha, you get the idea. Despite the guaranteed receipt of at least three e-mails from native Pennsylvanians telling me this is why newspapers are dying and/or canceling their Post subscriptions, here's a fairly amazing Q&A with the gents behind the music. I think you'll like it. Unless you're one of the aforementioned native Pennsylvanians.

Sports Bog: Who wrote this song and why?

Lord Jupiter: It was an idea I had after the recent bleating by Don Cherry about Ovechkin. We thought about doing an anti-Cherry song, but figured "Crosby Sucks" made more sense, especially since Cherry's barely worth a line these days, nevermind an entire song. So thank Don Cherry for this one. If Deion Sanders were born in Canada and became a lumberjack wannabe, he'd be Don Cherry. That guy's got no room to talk about flamboyance. Has he looked in the mirror??

Philosoraptor: The song is an attack on NHL marketing. Sidney Crosby is the blush-faced, conservative poster "Kid" for that marketing. There are a lot of adult fans out there who resent the new dumbed-down, kid-proofed Bettman NHL. They resent the idea of marketers trying to put a safe, North American "face" on the sport to try and neuter it for soccer moms, instead of letting the game develop its own natural character through the men who play it. They resent the presentation of Crosby as some sort of Matrix-Neo of hockey, when the guys who are actually pulling off legendary, storybook type of plays happen to actually be two inconveniently ugly and scary Russians. This song points at that 900-pound gorilla in the room, and demands that he stop flinging dung at the truth.

OBM: At first, most people won't get the deeper meaning of the song, but really it's all right there in the title. Crosby Sucks.

Sports Bog: What sort of feedback did you all get from the Ovechkin song?

LJ: We didn't get invited to meet Ted or Ovechkin like that rapper dude Wale, but it was cool. The best thing was having Ovechkin himself talking about it in an interview with a Russian reporter. The quote is on our MySpace page.

("But not long ago Washington fans made up a song in my honor. It went something like, 'When they broke his nose, he hammered in four goals against Montreal.' And all of this to the tune of some slamming music something like Rammstein. Well, it is true, you can't break your nose to Mozart.")

P-rap: The most negative feedback we received either came from 16-year old knuckledraggers in Pennsylvania, which is redundant language, or people who just plain hate techno. Good for them, they can swing their hips to "The Hockey Song." The funniest feedback actually came from a middle-aged Pens fan up in Johnstown; he was an extra in Slap Shot and we had some funny and good-natured ribbing going back and forth over it.

OBM: A couple of people have asked me if Ovechkin can actually pop
wheelies on a zamboni. I don't know, but I wouldn't bet against it.

Sports Bog: Any particular reason this one is more, uh, family friendly?

LJ: Everyone needs to know how bad "Crosby Sucks," regardless of age, so we bit the bullet for the greater good. We'd prefer that kids get up on the latest slang as quickly as possible to make OUR jobs easier, but what are you gonna do....

OBM: Plus we wanted Crosby to be allowed to listen to it.

Sports Bog: Some national media members and fans have accused Caps fans of being obsessed more with hating Crosby than loving Ovechkin. Any validity to that accusation?

OBM: You know, I think you have to acknowledge that the converse is true in Pittsburgh, and in other cities, when it comes to Ovechkin. In some cities, Ovechkin will get booed every time he touches the puck, for no good reason. I have multiple pieces of Ovechkin memorabilia, including two expensive hockey sweaters. I don't have any anti-Crosby articles of any sort. That pretty much answers your question right there.

P-rap: I think Crosby plays a little dirty, but so does Ovechkin sometimes. What I actually hate is the Crosby icon, which exists outside of Sidney himself. He may or may not be complicit, but it is more what he is being used for than the actual person.

Sports Bog: Is hate the right word? And why does Crosby cause such strong feelings?

LJ: We don't "hate" Crosby. We just want him to fall in a volcano. Both guys came into the league as the top rookies, and Ovechkin's gotten the better of Crosby more often than not (Calder, Hart, Pearson, etc). Yet Crosby still gets all the "official" hype from the league. If anyone's suffered through Slap Shot 2, think about the SuperChiefs and that whole charade of sickening poofery. That's how the Crosby hype strikes us. Marketing fluff that ain't real hockey.

P-rap: He's like the NHL equivalent of a Slanket or Snuggie.

OBM: That's what people 'hate.' And punches to the junk. And whining. And diving.

Sports Bog: So you don't have any of the anti-Crosby posters/t-shirts/jerseys that have proven so popular this year?

P-rap: Nope. We did the song for the lulz, but I draw the line at being a walking billboard for the lulz.

LJ: No, but the anti-Ovechkin backlash is pretty annoying. Some Flyers and Pens (Crosby) start chirping to the press that Ovie's "running around," and the next thing you know Ovie's the bad guy. Classic deflection. Let's focus on Crosby's slashing, instigation, and butt-punching instead.

Sports Bog: Do you want to see the Penguins in the first round?

P-rap: I personally do not want to see the Caps play the Pens at all, because this franchise seems to have a collective psychosis or curse when playing against the Pens in the post season. Not that I believe this year's Caps won't roll over the Penguins as they did in all but one of their meetings this year, but I favor the path of least resistance.

OBM: Remind me again why we're supposed to be afraid of a team that the Capitals have owned all year?

LJ: I think Philly is actually a better playoff-style team. The Caps seem to have no problem getting up for games vs Pittsburgh, yet Philly has intimidated them and out-muscled them on a few occasions. The Caps are a team that beats itself with mental states, so Philly is a bigger threat, in my opinion. But it would be nice to see Crosby's tears flowing during a handshake ceremony in front of Caps fans.

Sports Bog: Why write songs about the Capitals?

P-rap: I do it firstly because I want to give something back to the team that makes the bleakness of winter suck less for me, and secondly because I believe the art world too rarely ventures into the world of sports. What have we got in this genre? That abysmal "Are you ready for some football" song? "Basketball" by Curtis Kurtis Blow? The ever fascinating and awesome Wright Brothers of NoMeansNo, aka the "Hanson Brothers?"

LJ: The Butthole Surfers wrote a song called "Booze, Tobacco, Dope, [Bleep], Cars." After that, what else can you sing about?

Sports Bog: So what's the next Caps-related anthem?

LJ: These things just happen. It could be a "how to" guide on playing defense, sung directly to Jeff Schultz. Or maybe a verbal roadmap on getting out of skating circles for Michael Nylander. We'll have to see...

P-rap: Probably a song about Brooks Laich beating down Walker, President of Texas.

OBM: A cover of the National Anthem, except we'll be screaming
'OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!' after every line.

Sports Bog: The Caps' in-stadium intro features several of the team members rocking out in some sort of band. Have you seen this, and if so, can you critique their performance? Is Ovechkin a credible frontman?

P-rap: Mostly I would have liked to see a mosh pit, spinning hammer of death or something. Imagine Ovechkin in a pit. He checks people on the ice like an angry Slayer fan. With the way he hits, that pit would be cleared in seconds.

OBM: Speaking as someone who has used a hockey stick on stage to pelt audience members with free-merchandise-wrist-shots, I fully endorse Alex Ovechkin as a front man.

LJ: They should make a song about us.

By Dan Steinberg  |  March 30, 2009; 8:29 AM ET
Categories:  Caps  
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Comments

It's Kurtis Blow, with the "K," not Curtis. I'm sure this isn't the first time someone has made this error, but as Kurtis Blow knows, those are the breaks.

Nice piece.

Posted by: Lindemann777 | March 30, 2009 8:54 AM | Report abuse

You know you're good on a whole other level when your opponent's fans start making jersey's saying how much they hate you - throw in a loser band who's tiresome schtick is being loud and vile that devotes songs to it and it's like something out of Family Guy. The fact that Pittsburgh apparently has 2 such players makes me appreciate as a Pens fan what great times these are.

It's weird that Caps fans obsess so much about one opposing player that they make themselves look sad by doing things like bringing pacifiers to the game - which did nothing to keep their team from getting torched by Sidney Crosby - instead of focusing on supporting their own talent. I don't know if Caps fans are insecure, or just desperate for something to root for, but go to a Caps/Pens game in Pittsburgh, and I promise you won't see people wasting a perfectly good Pens jersey by putting "Ovechkin Sucks" on it - real fans don't waste their time being jealous about someone else's team.

Posted by: dr_klahn | March 30, 2009 9:58 AM | Report abuse

"It could be a "how to" guide on playing defense, sung directly to Jeff Schultz."

Can I stop laughing now? I guess BB is the only person who still have a love affair with the 6-foot-8 (on skates) Schultz who plays like a 3-foot, 8-year-old boy.

Posted by: CDon | March 30, 2009 9:59 AM | Report abuse

Hahaha, dr_klahn just proved everything Dan and the band members said about Pens fans. Fantastic. I think it's the apex of insecurity for Pens fans to come here and "defend" their favorite groin-punching hockey player.

Posted by: CDon | March 30, 2009 10:00 AM | Report abuse

"It's weird that Caps fans obsess so much about one opposing player that they make themselves look sad by doing things like bringing pacifiers to the game - which did nothing to keep their team from getting torched by Sidney Crosby - instead of focusing on supporting their own talent."

"Torched?" Are you talking about the SO Win a few weeks ago?

This season, out of a possible 8 points vs. the Pens, the Caps earned 7 while the Pens earned one.

Oh my, quite the torching...

Posted by: VTDuffman | March 30, 2009 10:31 AM | Report abuse

Ok, maybe I was exaggerating a little, but "torched" means a goal, an assist, and the winning shootout goal, despite all the energy Caps fans spent hating on Crosby - not bad for a days work.

Posted by: dr_klahn | March 30, 2009 10:39 AM | Report abuse

This season, out of a possible 8 points vs. the Pens, the Caps earned 7 while the Pens earned one.

Oh my, quite the torching...

Posted by: VTDuffman | March 30, 2009 10:31 AM

As much as it pains me, the flightless fowl actually got 2 points, because they won in the SO. Although 2 out of 8 isn't very good, either.

You know what point I just KNEW that this year was going to be the Caps year against the Pens? Back in October, that epic comeback (or epic fail by the Pens) in Pittsburgh, during the third period, when Boyd Gordon snapped that puck in so hard it bounced right back out and no goal was called until after played stopped and they reviewed the tape. That's when I knew the hockey gods were smiling upon the Caps.

Posted by: RedBirdie | March 30, 2009 10:55 AM | Report abuse

"Ok, maybe I was exaggerating a little, but "torched" means a goal, an assist, and the winning shootout goal, despite all the energy Caps fans spent hating on Crosby - not bad for a days work."

Wooo.

For someone who claims to be above the fray, you sure are spending a lot of times on the haircut/tatoo blog of the paper that covers the caps.

And, I stand corrected: 2 out of 8 possible points against us this season, vs. 7 out of a possible 8 for us. "Torch"-erous indeed.

Posted by: VTDuffman | March 30, 2009 11:33 AM | Report abuse

Best.Bog.Interview.Ever.

As to the Pens, bottom line is there are only three types.

One, the fortunate ones who hailed from Pittsburgh but managed to leave in order to find a meaningful job in an effort to produce some semblance of a life.

Two, the God-forsaken unlucky ones who cannot manage to get out of the town and make due with tending their shift at the steel mill (and let's face it, they're lucky to have a job, so...).

Three, those not from or living in Pittsburgh. And they're just too dumb to know any better (and surely weren't Pens fans six years ago).

In each case there's no reason to listen to a Pens fan, so they can chirp all they want. But if you do it in my city (yes I was born here), in my arena (in which I've seen 95% of every game), be prepared for the verbal barrage you're going to get in return. You won't win.

Posted by: StikSav | March 30, 2009 12:22 PM | Report abuse

the mosh pit idea for the caps intro video just made me bust out laughing (at work).

Posted by: doughless | March 30, 2009 12:25 PM | Report abuse

dr. klahn:

it boils down to this: we hate Putzburg because you, your fans, your team and you loser captain are a bunch of whiners!!!

that said, i can respect Geno.

next!!

Posted by: doughless | March 30, 2009 12:28 PM | Report abuse

Even as a Caps fan, this is getting old. Steinberg, you're obsessing about this Crosby hate as much as anybody and it is getting just plain weird. Caps fan need to stop embarrassing themselves like this. Makes us look like idiots that have more interest in trashing other teams' players than thinking about our own. Let's hear about our own players.

Posted by: hockey23 | March 30, 2009 1:10 PM | Report abuse

A lifetime of painful playoff losses makes me hate everything about the Penguins; and yet I respect Geno, too. I can't figure out why.

Posted by: qwertyqwerty1 | March 30, 2009 2:18 PM | Report abuse

Sad, pathetic Caps fans spend more time hating Crosby than appreciating their team. Typical.

Posted by: SDpens | March 30, 2009 6:56 PM | Report abuse

You know, we appreciate the sentiment and applaud the effort.

But at the risk of sounding like grumpy old men, you call that music???

Posted by: CapsNut | March 30, 2009 9:14 PM | Report abuse

I wouldn't write a song about Crosby, but this one was fairly funny and quite accurate. And for those Pens fans that think there are thousands of Caps fans running around in a "Crosby Sucks" jersey...well sorry there are only a handful that spent that extra money. But, then again we do have a few more "employed" fans here in DC that have the extra cash to blow on bashing a ball puncher. And if you think Caps fans talk about Crosby too much than you obviously haven't visited the Pens Blog, which is the same towards Ovechkin. But as previously stated by other Caps fans...I really respect Malkin. Speaking of respect, that is why I dislike Crosby, I have no respect for him.

Posted by: NatyBG | March 31, 2009 7:58 AM | Report abuse

Don't worry about native Pennsylvanians. They don't know how to read, anyway. I know, I live among them in the "Flyer nation."

But they do agree with the Crosby song, at least in THIS part of PA.

Love the column. Go Caps!

Posted by: bucknelldad | March 31, 2009 8:34 AM | Report abuse

Let me start off by throwing myself to the wolves and say I am a Pens fan, but I respect Ovechkin and the Caps for what they've done this year. However, this hate for Crosby seems to get out of hand. Personally, I "hate" Ovechkin because he is the face of one of our bitter rivals; however, I respect his game and would pay good money to watch him play. I don't understand why Crosby doesn't get the same respect? He's been at the top of the league in scoring since him and Ovie came in 4 years ago. He's won an MVP, he's won an Art Ross, and he took his team to the Stanley Cup finals (all right.. it wasn't without the help of Hossa and Malkin) only to lose to the better team. As a Pens fan, I can agree that Crosby whines... To be honest, I actually think that Malkin is the better player but will never be the face of the franchise, at least not until he can put together full sentences in English. As for Crosby, though, I understand the hate for him, but I don't understand the disrespect.. To me, they are two different things.. Also, to all the people who put down Pittsburgh as being a "dying city with losers who can't get out", that may be true... But we are currently at a consecutive sellout streak of over 100 games.. The Caps had how many consecutive this year? 11? Yes, our city may be diminishing in size, but we love our sports teams.. They're basically all we have left!

Posted by: JStaal11 | March 31, 2009 8:45 AM | Report abuse

dr_klahn, you are fooling yourself if you don't think the exact same thing isn't going on in Pittsburgh right now aimed at Ovechkin. It's just easier to make signs that make fun of somebody crying and whining than it is of somebody celebrating. There is no doubt that Crosby is a great player but at times he is his own worst enemy. But if he did manage to end up on the Caps I would be dancing a jig and be happy to have him. As for the jerseys, I am not sure if you're insecure or desperate or what but it's time to get over it.

Posted by: ouvan59 | March 31, 2009 10:29 AM | Report abuse

I dislike the Pens and Crosby as much as the next guy but for people to spend hard earned cash to make Crosby sucks jerseys and spend hours writing anti Crosby songs imo is a little obsessive.

And puttting Crosby or Malkin on a red white and blue jersey is blasmephous even if you add a sucks after it or not.

Posted by: BLUELINER34 | March 31, 2009 10:36 AM | Report abuse

@hockey23

I agree completly this is nothing more than embarrasing to the real fans that can overlook both Crosby and Ovechkins shortcomings and appreciate both for their immense talent. Crosby never asked for all this hype, blame the media and reporters like the one that printed this artical. And this is coming from a Caps fan for over 20 years..

Posted by: BLUELINER34 | March 31, 2009 10:49 AM | Report abuse

dr_klahn, I guess you haven't looked at PensBlog to see what Pens fans say about Ovechkin (and any other team they happen to be playing). Probably the biggest kids play area in the NHL (cutting and pasting pictures of Ovechkin and other players faces on other people bodies to make them look silly). The kind of foolishness posted on that blog seems to point to the fact that Pens fans do indeed waste their time being jealous about other players. I think for Caps fans it comes down to the fact that we have a great player on our team. Maybe the number one player in the league, maybe the 2nd best depending how valuable you think Malkin is to the Pens, but either way, it just gets old that everywhere you look, Crosby is the one marketed by the NHL. I guess we are really more upset with the NHL than Crosby. You see commercials of guys in California, building a Penguins arena in his basement, you look at packs of hockey cards, you look at commercials on the tv. All of it points to Crosby as being the face of the NHL and it does get a bit old because we know that the reasons behind it are that Crosby is Canadian and Ovechkin is not, and the NHL is still trying to ride the coattails of Lemieux as long as they can. I seriously doubt that Crosby would be marketed the way he is if he was drafted by the Columbus Blue Jackets. If the NHL wants to market a player that constantly complains about the attention he receives on the ice, that is their prerogative, but to Caps fans, and others around the league, Crosby needs to grow up. Maybe then he would truly be representative of being the face of the NHL.

Posted by: svt97cobra | March 31, 2009 10:59 AM | Report abuse

Same old. Same old.
Yawn.

Posted by: LEM66 | March 31, 2009 11:28 AM | Report abuse

capsfans need to take the high road... Im perfectly fine with where the nhl decides to market OV. As Caps fans we are used to being underdogs and that suits me fine. Let OV continue to speak loudest where it counts, on the ice. I could care less if OV isnt on my box of Wheaties or not.

Posted by: BLUELINER34 | March 31, 2009 11:37 AM | Report abuse

JStaal11

I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but it seems to me that the angst that the name and image of Crosby brings to those that don't worship him stems not from him so much as Bettman. We're pummeled every time we turn around with ads, displays, web images of Crosby. It doesn't matter where you are, there's an ad with Crosby as the centerpiece.

Why NOT Malkin? He's a better player than Crosby. Why NOT Ovie, Iginla, Toews, Chara, or a dozen other stars? Why do we have to be assaulted constantly by a guy that's 1). not the best (even on his own team); 2). doesn't inspire his team to greatness (Malkin and Gonchar do); 3). does way too much complaining about (fill in the blank); 4). apparently can't live alone and needs to be babysat.

Posted by: Greg S. | March 31, 2009 12:01 PM | Report abuse

Really? Was there so little going on in the hockey world today that this was all that you could come up with? Seriously.

Posted by: NNYPensFan | March 31, 2009 12:24 PM | Report abuse

Greg

I can understand where you are coming from and agree that Crosby is over-hyped. But from what I understood from your post, that is more the fault of Bettman and not so much Crosby asking for that kind of exposure. It's almost like Manning in football, LeBron in Basketball, or Tiger in golf. They are among the best in their respective sports, they are American, and they clean cut. The NHL must see the same thing in Crosby. That is not to say I agree with it (as I personally feel that Malkin should win MVP this year, but won't get it because he blew off the awards ceremony when he won Rookie of the Year, and he doesn't have a good a grasp of the language as Ovie does), but the guys you mentioned above (Ovie-not American and seen as a showboat; Iggy-black hockey player?? They couldn't possibly market THAT; Toews-American, but he didn't put up the points Crosby did in Juniors; Chara-not American; etc...)apparently do not have all of the qualifications it takes to advertise around. I'm not saying I agree with that, I'm just saying how I think the advertisers feel. However, from what I see about Sid off the ice around Pittsburgh (and obviously it's going to be biased to the point that it will make Crosby look like an angel), he's not one to be trying to get his picture in the paper in everything he does. Apparently, he's actually pretty secluded to the point that the newspapers around here sometimes question whether or not he is a good teammate (hanging out with the boys). And as far as the living with Lemieux thing goes, I can't totally fault him for that. He has an entire wing of Lemieux's house; it's not as if he is sharing a room with Austin and sleeping on the top bunk. I suppose Crosby feels that by surrounding himself with the one of the best ever, perhaps he himself will be one of the best ever.

Posted by: JStaal11 | March 31, 2009 12:27 PM | Report abuse

svt97cobr,
Last time i looked The Pensblog did not have a blog in a major Pittsburgh paper.

ouvan59,
Please show me the group from Pittsburgh that made a song about a Washington Capitals player.

Signs? Hell, every arena, every team has signs about opposing players and/or teams.

Are You telling me when the Caps play the `Canes, no one makes a sign about Rod the Bod or any member of that team?

How can you tell someone to get over it, when you just don't get it.

When does this stop being funny?
Why don't Cap fans go scream and post over at Puck Daddy,for not posting about Ovie every day?

Every one here should read
BlUELINER34, then go back and read what he says, again.
What You said is appreciated.
Thank You.

Posted by: akus2 | March 31, 2009 1:49 PM | Report abuse

@akus2
Well said.

Posted by: LEM66 | April 2, 2009 9:22 PM | Report abuse

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