An Adventure to Avoid
Here's a piece of advice for anyone planning to see "Poseidon" this weekend: Make sure you go to the bathroom beforehand. Watching gallons of water burst into ballrooms and flood ventilation shafts on a capsized cruise ship is all the more unpleasant on a full bladder.
Oh, and here's one more piece of advice for anyone planning to see "Poseidon" this weekend: Don't go see "Poseidon" this weekend.
The latest symptom of Hollywood's uncured case of remake-itis, this update of 1972's "The Poseidon Adventure" overflows with cheesy dialogue, action sequences that don't particularly impress and respectable actors (Kurt Russell, Josh Lucas, Richard Dreyfuss) doing everything they can to convince us they're not in a bad movie. Of course, at least those guys get to stick around onscreen for a while. The first rule of "Poseidon" seems to be, "If you're on HBO, you've got to go." So if you plan to see this out of love for Freddy Rodriguez ("Six Feet Under") or Kevin Dillon ("Entourage"), um, let's just say you'll be disappointed. (Federico and Johnny Drama, why wouldn't they let you live?)
I know what you're thinking -- most of the criticisms about the new "Poseidon" also can be said of the original. True, but at least "Adventure," released earlier this week in a special-edition DVD, still has that kitschy, funny-retro factor going for it (nice '70s duds, Gene Hackman). If "Poseidon" had taken more of a cheeky, "Snakes on a Plane-ish" approach to its material, the reprise might have been more enjoyable. I can even visualize what the posters should have said: "Poseidon": This is Way More Than a Cruise."
Unfortunately, the passengers on this ship take themselves way too seriously. And that makes the movie, and everyone watching it, feel bloated.
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