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Posted at 11:31 AM ET, 05/29/2009

A Bit of Advice: Go to 'Hell'

By Jen Chaney

In "Drag Me to Hell," Alison Lohman's not gonna take it. No, she ain't gonna take it. (Universal)

Only very special movies have the ability to make us gag, guffaw, scream, snort and very nearly vomit, sometimes within the span of a single scene. Let's just say "Drag Me to Hell" is a very special movie.

I started getting pumped for this one after director Sam Raimi unveiled a couple of scenes last July at Comic-Con. But when this foreclosure-crisis-meets-gypsy-curse horror flick got slapped with a PG-13 rating, I thought maybe Raimi would have to sacrifice some of those hilariously delicious shocks that hark back to his work on the "Evil Dead" franchise.

As Dan Kois notes in today's review in the Post, it turns out Raimi didn't have to sacrifice a single spurt of blood. This one pushes the PG-13 boundaries about as far as they can go, but in a good, old-fashioned, B-movie way. "Drag Me to Hell" may be a pseudo-commentary on the current economic crisis, but it's also proof that even in tough times, it's still possible to get what you paid for.

To prove my point, here is a list of things that may or may not be found in "Drag Me to Hell." See if you can find the three items on this list that don't appear in the movie; the correct version of the list, with absent items noted, follows. (P.S. If you're super-sensitive about spoilers you may not want to read further.)

List of Things Found in "Drag Me to Hell":

  • A nosebleed that spurts all over someone's supervisor
  • Maggots
  • A slimy set of dentures
  • A diabolical fly that crawls up Alison Lohman's noise
  • Lots of Apple product placements (nice tie-in with star/Mac guy Justin Long!)
  • A really creepy gypsy that has no qualms about shoving her entire fist down someone's throat
  • A song-and-dance number from the musical "Gypsy"
  • Many, many corpses
  • A person getting drenched in embalming fluid
  • Kittens in danger
  • Bunnies in danger
  • A talking goat
  • A talking dog
  • A cursed handkerchief that will seriously mess your day up
  • At least one person getting dragged to hell

Now, here's the list with the three items that don't appear in the movie crossed out:

  • A nosebleed that spurts all over someone's supervisor
  • Maggots
  • A slimy set of dentures
  • A diabolical fly that crawls up Alison Lohman's noise
  • Lots of Apple product placements (nice tie-in with star/Mac guy Justin Long!)
  • A really creepy gypsy that has no qualms about shoving her entire fist down someone's throat
  • A song-and-dance number from the musical "Gypsy"
  • Many, many corpses
  • A person getting drenched in embalming fluid
  • Kittens in danger
  • Bunnies in danger
  • A talking goat
  • A talking dog
  • A cursed handkerchief that will seriously mess your day up
  • At least one person getting dragged to hell

So no musical numbers, no bunnies and no talking dogs (on that last score, "Up" is definitely your movie). But everything else on that list is present and accounted for. And if that makes the horror freak in you super-excited, then your mission for the weekend is clear: drag yourself to "Drag Me to Hell." ASAP.

By Jen Chaney  | May 29, 2009; 11:31 AM ET
Categories:  Movies  
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