Take your valentine and ... shred it?

Valentine's Day can be more divisive than politics: You're either a lover, or you hate it -- the candlelight dinners, the flowers, the whole saccharine thing.

Haters: You may be single, but you're not alone. There are a handful of anti-Valentine's events this weekend, and they're not only decidedly un-sappy, they also look a lot more fun than a bouquet of flowers and a boring, overpriced dinner.

At the D.C. Armory today, the D.C. Rollergirls will be marking the day of love by pummeling each other senseless at the Valentine's Day Massacre (which is not, I repeat, actually held on Valentine's Day). The only love in the room will be coming from a masseuse, who will offer chair massages to audience members to raise money for relief efforts in Haiti. The action starts at 4; tickets are $6-$12 (free for ages 5 and younger).

EatBar in Arlington reprises its Anti-Hallmark Card Party tonight at 9 p.m. and provides all the construction paper, glue and scissors you need to create your own anti-Valentine's Day cards. (Think love notes like "You're not the father.") At the end of the night, the artistes who made the best cards get prizes -- including a bottle of wine and gift cards. The party's free, and though it's targeted at singles, couples are welcome. (If you actually like Valentine's Day, the next night at 8, the bar changes teams and screens "Casablanca." The movie, and concessions, are free.)

And finally, unlike your friends, people at the Bottom Line actually want to see the old photos, e-mails and cards from that ex you can't shake. Bring them to the "Shred Your Ex, Find Your Next" party tonight, and engage in the strangely public ritual of ridding yourself of your onetime soul mate once and for all. That way, you're completely free to chat up all the newly single folks in the room. The drink specials include $3 shooters, and if the mere act of shredding your ex's face can't make you forget, maybe the Miller Lite girls can when they stop by at 10 p.m.

-- Lavanya Ramanathan