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New Year's Resolutions Edition

All right, so we're a day into the New Year, and most of us are just getting back to work, and pitchers and catchers report in six weeks, and HSCS sits awaiting everyone's arrival, and the business at the Avenue at Viera branch of Panera is about to get its annual spike, and the Nationals' hitters are starting to hit on their own and the pitchers are starting to throw from flat ground and it's about time a certain beat reporter started calling some of these injured folks and seeing how they're doing following their, um, injuries so that he can do stuff like, well, put stories in the -- gulp -- $.50-cent edition about them.

But until then, a day late, not to mention a few dollars short, we bring you the Nationals Journal New Year's Resolutions entry.

Ryan Zimmerman: Resolves to lay off sliders well off the plate, thus raising his OBP. Further resolves to mention when he's playing with a broken bone in his left wrist, even if said bone is deemed "non-essential."

Dmitri Young: Resolves to adhere to his diet, which will help him maintain his health, considering he is a diabetic. Further resolves to never again mention possibly playing the outfield.

Nick Johnson: Resolves to play. Period.

Paul Lo Duca: Resolves to address his mention in the Mitchell Report. Immediately.

Lastings Milledge: Resolves to abandon promising but controversial music career, and to high-five only teammates and coaches.

Felipe Lopez: Resolves not to resolve to not talk to media.

Ronnie Belliard: Resolves to get Commissioner's office to redesignate the position of "second base," when he plays it, as "short right field."

Cristian Guzman: Resolves not to sever his thumb from the rest of his hand, not to strain his hamstrings, and not to hit .219.

Austin Kearns: Resolves to run into fewer walls, and to wear John Deere hat in at least one game this season.

Elijah Dukes: Resolves to abandon text messaging as preferred form of communication. Further resolves to read "Miss Manners" daily.

Wily Mo Pena: Resolves to play left guard for Redskins in playoffs should they suffer any more injuries.

Shawn Hill: Resolves not to awkwardly round third base, then dive even more awkwardly back into bag. Further resolves to keep budding relationship between Nationals Journal author and his sinker a secret.

John Patterson: Thirty starts, 200 innings. 'Nuff said.

Collin Balester: Resolves to go from prospect to performer.

Ross Detwiler: Resolves never to miss a meal.

Mike Bacsik: Resolves not to give up any home runs of historical significance.

Chad Cordero: Resolves to cut down on Slurpees, hot dogs and home runs allowed.

Luis Ayala: Resolves to repeat the following 10 times daily: "I will not pitch in WBC. I will not pitch in WBC."

Jon Rauch: Resolves to publicly embrace "Wookie" as his nickname.

Ray King: One word: Salads.

Manny Acta: Resolves to never give up hitting infield, to continue to "preach and teach," and to smile once or twice in the dugout.

Jim Bowden: Resolves not to trade for, sign or otherwise acquire any players who were Cincinnati Reds between 1994-mid-2003. Really.

Stan Kasten: Resolves to direct traffic at M and South Capitol, drive a FREE shuttle bus from RFK's parking lots and serve brisket to fans on game days. Oh, and to raise payroll.

By Barry Svrluga  |  January 2, 2008; 12:29 PM ET
 
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Next: Grab bag

Comments

Loved it!

Posted by: natsfan1a | January 2, 2008 1:14 PM | Report abuse

This is great!! I cracked up on Ross Detwiler's.

My wish this year is that you are reunited with your crush, Barry, and you see each other every 5 days.

Posted by: NatsNut | January 2, 2008 1:18 PM | Report abuse

P.S. Your links are HILARIOUS!!!

Posted by: NatsNut | January 2, 2008 1:19 PM | Report abuse

It's funny 'cause it's true.
I count only 20 players. How about adding: Alex Escabar, "Resolves to not trip on the AAA steps in rehab."
Happy New Year!

Posted by: ChrisC | January 2, 2008 1:32 PM | Report abuse

It is still the $0.35 edition for us home-delivery subscribers.

Posted by: Month and a half | January 2, 2008 1:46 PM | Report abuse

Thanks for the heads up, NatsNut. I hadn't followed the links.

Posted by: natsfan1a | January 2, 2008 1:51 PM | Report abuse

Stan Kasten: Resolves to resolve the forthcoming parking crisis by 2010, or otherwise resolves to schedule 30 games on various high school fields in northern Virginia.

Posted by: joemktg | January 2, 2008 2:14 PM | Report abuse

When Milledge goes deep against the Mets, he should make a point to high five as many fans as he can. We won't hold it against him in DC.

Posted by: PowerBoater69 | January 2, 2008 2:19 PM | Report abuse

Love it - thanks, Barry! By the way, what is with brisket? Brisket is the worst of the 4 meats. I would prefer to have ribs and/or pulled pork. Pitchers and catchers reporting can't come soon enough.

Posted by: Patty | January 2, 2008 2:26 PM | Report abuse

It's Wookiee with two Es. Doesn't the Post have editors?

YEARHGHAWWAHAHWAHWHAWWAHAHAHA!

Posted by: Chewbacca | January 2, 2008 2:30 PM | Report abuse

Brisket totally rocks. (If only I'd seen this post before I got my lunch.)

Six weeks to pitchers and catchers.

Posted by: Hendo | January 2, 2008 2:42 PM | Report abuse

Kasten used to hype up the Brisket like none other. Became a running joke on teh internets.

Posted by: Brisket | January 2, 2008 2:42 PM | Report abuse

Nice one, Barry! Particularly the WMP one!

Happy New Year, everybody!

Posted by: Juan-John in Costa Rica | January 2, 2008 3:19 PM | Report abuse

This belongs in the paper!

Posted by: Ed | January 2, 2008 3:25 PM | Report abuse

On the first day of Christmas
Stan Kasten gave to me...
A ball park in ole DC

Where's the rest Barry?

2nd Day !@#@#!!
2 options for parking and a ball...
3rd Day
3 Starting pitchers
4th Day
4 more weekday series
5th Day
5 Golden gloves

What!!! See I suck at this Barry!!!
Where is you genius when we needed it. Maybe next year, eh...
Keep up the good work...

Posted by: NiceNat | January 2, 2008 3:55 PM | Report abuse

Naw, "4" needs to be "4 Racing Rushmores"...

Posted by: Anonymous | January 2, 2008 3:58 PM | Report abuse

to continue: a good fielding 6, a power hitting 7, a fast fielding & hitting 8, and a solid 9. 10 complete games, an 11th inning win and a 12 game winning streak.

Posted by: SC Nats Fan | January 2, 2008 4:05 PM | Report abuse

And blossoms in the cherry trees?

Posted by: Section 506 (Before moving) | January 2, 2008 4:08 PM | Report abuse

This is, by far, the best way I could ever imagine starting the new year. Thanks, Barry.

Posted by: John in Mpls | January 2, 2008 4:13 PM | Report abuse

Good work on the 12 days, guys. Also good to "see" some of the familiar monikers back online. Missed you all!

Posted by: natsfan1a | January 2, 2008 4:18 PM | Report abuse

Should auld Nationals be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should auld Nationals be forgot,
And days o' auld lang syne?

...

Posted by: how about? | January 2, 2008 4:22 PM | Report abuse

Unlike organ music, I fully embrace referring to Rauch as The Wookiee.

Posted by: Scott in Shaw | January 2, 2008 4:29 PM | Report abuse

Loved the link to Ray King. Hope he doesn't use that grill to cook sausages for his salad.

Posted by: SC Nats Fan | January 2, 2008 4:40 PM | Report abuse

saahhhsage...peanuts...da Nats!!

Posted by: da superfan | January 2, 2008 5:17 PM | Report abuse

Rauch = The Wookiee
Young = The Meat Hook

Zimmerman = Zim, The Zim man, the Zimmer
Come on guys Zimmerman needs better than this. Oh well, maybe something better in a couple more years. Once the print boys write it we can anoint it, hey...

Ziminator...no
Zimster... crap no
Ice box ... What, no...
Think people, think...

Posted by: NiceNat | January 2, 2008 5:46 PM | Report abuse

With apologies to Dave Parker...

The Cobra.

It fits his swing and the way he gobbles up ground balls.

Posted by: #4 | January 2, 2008 6:03 PM | Report abuse

Zim - Zimmy - the Zimster, making homers

Zim-man - Zimmorama - the Zimmeister, fielding liners

Posted by: the copy gal | January 2, 2008 6:10 PM | Report abuse

didn't zimmerman have a nickname before he was drafted by the nats? "duke" or something like that?

Posted by: 231 (other 506) | January 2, 2008 6:35 PM | Report abuse

i was close. his nickname was "dutch."

"The Teutonic nature of his last name, coupled with some old baseball traditions, has led to several fans giving him the nickname "Dutch". Other fans prefer a less creative nickname, using a shortened form of his last name, either "Zimm" or "Zimms". It is unknown where he stands on this subject, and is cause for some debate."

from http://listing-index.ebay.com/athletes/Ryan_Zimmerman.html.

i do remember that from when he was drafted.

Posted by: 231 (other 506) | January 2, 2008 6:46 PM | Report abuse

I know we can't call him the vacuum cleaner in deference to Brooks Robinson, but maybe he could be known as the Swiffer or possibly Oreck. Maybe just simply..The Glove.

Posted by: SC Nats Fan | January 2, 2008 7:36 PM | Report abuse

the ov glove? Nah.

Posted by: natsfan1a | January 2, 2008 7:38 PM | Report abuse

How about The Chosen One One

cause his number is 11. Yeah this is tough.

Posted by: nattaboy | January 2, 2008 8:56 PM | Report abuse

I've always referred to Zimm as Dutch.

http://distinguishedsenators.blogspot.com/2005/06/dutch.html

Posted by: Scott in Shaw | January 2, 2008 9:58 PM | Report abuse

Don't pass the Dutchy on the left hand side, eh... Nothing gets pass the dutchy on the lefthand side.

Posted by: NiceNat | January 2, 2008 10:07 PM | Report abuse

Been reading Capitol Punishment lately? Looks familiar.

Posted by: Jim Steele | January 2, 2008 10:13 PM | Report abuse

the z-man

Posted by: natsfan1a | January 2, 2008 10:19 PM | Report abuse

New Year's resolutions, eh? How about this one for the Washington Post: No more printing of anti-Nationals hatchet jobs, like this one by Desmond Bieler that ran in the print edition on December 24th and is available online at http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/12/23/AR2007122302364.html .

"How about that new Nats stadium? By all accounts, the $611 million shrine to major league baseball (new motto: "Now with fewer steroids!") will be ready to go in plenty of time for the nationally televised season opener. Now all they need is for the thousands of fans who still cling to that oh-so-20th-century mode of transportation known as the car to feel like it's worthwhile to show up there. This may be asking a lot because at the moment there aren't many parking spots within sunflower-seed spittin' distance. A lack of parking means fewer suburbanites, which means lower revenue, which means more Nats squads that comprise scrappy overachievers and reclamation projects (not that there's anything wrong with the Dmitri "Da Meat Hook" Youngs of the world). The teams' prayers for unprecedented Metro usage aside, planners estimate that for each home game between 5,000 and 9,000 cars will want to head over to the ballpark. The District is providing 1,225 spots in three garages attached to the stadium. That leaves the Nats to come up with the rest, and so far no one seems to have any sure ideas of where they might scare up several thousand more spots. They're not going to be found on the streets around the stadium, where residents are terrified at the prospect of hordes of frustrated drivers clogging their neighborhoods. Calling it "a transportation crisis looming," Ward 6 council member Tommy Wells is proposing to install meters that essentially charge what parking lots will, i.e., enough to require a trunk full of quarters. The city and team are working on finding more nearby lots, which sounds more appealing than the Nats' offer of free parking and shuttle service from RFK Stadium (an arrangement D.C. has not even agreed to yet). We're sure fans will be delighted to park in RFK lots where players' cars were once broken into for the privilege of boarding vans for a cross-town trip through the remnants of rush-hour traffic. And that still leaves the issue of what happens when, D.C. United plays at the not-completely-abandoned stadium. But hey -- why should going to a Nats game be any less fun than going to a Redskins game?"

It's one thing for the Post beat reporter - who presents the unvarnished truth about the Nats way more often than not - to engage in a little playful snark in print every now and then. That can be forgiven, and even enjoyed (provided your name isn't Stan Kasten). But it's a whole 'nother kettle of fish to have a know-nothing writer who probably has never been to a Nats game in his life just dredge up every negative cliche he's ever read about the team and package them all into one neat paragraph that runs right next to a big red and white Curly W so the reader can't help but notice it. Pieces like this one, which unfortuntely isn't the only example of its kind but just the latest in a series, just serve to cement the impression in the eyes of many that the Post hates the Nationals and is actively campaigning for the franchise to fail.

Posted by: Section 419+1 | January 2, 2008 10:56 PM | Report abuse

New Year's resolutions, eh? How about this one for the Washington Post: No more printing of anti-Nationals hatchet jobs, like this one by Desmond Bieler that ran in the print edition on December 24th and is available online at http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/12/23/AR2007122302364.html .

"How about that new Nats stadium? By all accounts, the $611 million shrine to major league baseball (new motto: "Now with fewer steroids!") will be ready to go in plenty of time for the nationally televised season opener. Now all they need is for the thousands of fans who still cling to that oh-so-20th-century mode of transportation known as the car to feel like it's worthwhile to show up there. This may be asking a lot because at the moment there aren't many parking spots within sunflower-seed spittin' distance. A lack of parking means fewer suburbanites, which means lower revenue, which means more Nats squads that comprise scrappy overachievers and reclamation projects (not that there's anything wrong with the Dmitri "Da Meat Hook" Youngs of the world). The teams' prayers for unprecedented Metro usage aside, planners estimate that for each home game between 5,000 and 9,000 cars will want to head over to the ballpark. The District is providing 1,225 spots in three garages attached to the stadium. That leaves the Nats to come up with the rest, and so far no one seems to have any sure ideas of where they might scare up several thousand more spots. They're not going to be found on the streets around the stadium, where residents are terrified at the prospect of hordes of frustrated drivers clogging their neighborhoods. Calling it "a transportation crisis looming," Ward 6 council member Tommy Wells is proposing to install meters that essentially charge what parking lots will, i.e., enough to require a trunk full of quarters. The city and team are working on finding more nearby lots, which sounds more appealing than the Nats' offer of free parking and shuttle service from RFK Stadium (an arrangement D.C. has not even agreed to yet). We're sure fans will be delighted to park in RFK lots where players' cars were once broken into for the privilege of boarding vans for a cross-town trip through the remnants of rush-hour traffic. And that still leaves the issue of what happens when, D.C. United plays at the not-completely-abandoned stadium. But hey -- why should going to a Nats game be any less fun than going to a Redskins game?"

It's one thing for the Post beat reporter - who presents the unvarnished truth about the Nats way more often than not - to engage in a little playful snark in print every now and then. That can be forgiven, and even enjoyed (provided your name isn't Stan Kasten). But it's a whole 'nother kettle of fish to have a know-nothing writer who probably has never been to a Nats game in his life just dredge up every negative cliche he's ever read about the team and package them all into one neat paragraph that runs right next to a big red and white Curly W so the reader can't help but notice it. Pieces like this one, which unfortuntely isn't the only example of its kind but just the latest in a series, just serve to cement the impression in the eyes of many that the Post hates the Nationals and is actively campaigning for the franchise to fail.

Posted by: Section 419+1 | January 2, 2008 10:57 PM | Report abuse

Apologies for the double posting there. Perhaps the Post might divert its energies away from criticizing the Nats for not addressing the parking issue and instead devote them to cleaning up its own blog software so posters like me don't get messages saying their posts were rejected when really they weren't...

Posted by: Section 419+1 | January 2, 2008 11:01 PM | Report abuse

Zim-a-lama-ding-dong?

Posted by: NatsNut | January 2, 2008 11:06 PM | Report abuse

Did anyone else see the blasting the Post is getting in Farragut North metro station? YIKES!

It appears the union for the production workers is not holding back. It's ugly. And as a WashPost fan and new subscriber, it's more a turnoff than anything.

Posted by: NatsNut | January 2, 2008 11:11 PM | Report abuse

zimmo
zimster
z
master z
z-man
the big ezee
ziz
zizzle

Posted by: cabraman | January 3, 2008 1:15 AM | Report abuse

Resolutions, huh? Resolve this, dawg: post a picture of someone who isn't the most unpopular National since, well, *ever*, someday before PFP starts.

Posted by: Oh, and Merry Christmas | January 3, 2008 2:06 AM | Report abuse

Hey, the Snark giveth and the Snark taketh away. Those who live by the snark die by the snark. Snark, and the world snarks with you; whine, and you whine alone. You can't be in it and not of it. If you can't stand the snark, stay out of the ITB. "You have to snark them one game at a time." "I just want to help the big snark."
**********
Pieces like this one, which unfortuntely isn't the only example of its kind but just the latest in a series, just serve to cement the impression in the eyes of many that the Post hates the Nationals and is actively campaigning for the franchise to fail.
Posted by: Section 419+1 | January 2, 2008 10:57 PM

Posted by: Csnark | January 3, 2008 2:11 AM | Report abuse

chewy is a nerd

Posted by: love | January 3, 2008 2:54 AM | Report abuse

"We gotta snark 'em one day at a time."

"I'm just happy to snark here and hope I can help the blog."

"I just wanta give it my best snark and, Good Lord willing, things'll work out."

Posted by: Crash | January 3, 2008 8:32 AM | Report abuse

Ohh, I like this one, NatsNut:

Zim-a-lama-ding-dong?

Also this one, cabraman (and it would be EZer to say):

the big ezee

Posted by: natsfan1a | January 3, 2008 8:34 AM | Report abuse

"Dutch" Zimmerman is a lame nickname. It says nothing about him as a person or player and is solely supposed heritage-based.

The old days had classic nicknames, "Gabby" Hartnett was the quietest one on the team. "Pepper" Martin added spice to the game, once catching a dusk-time fly ball by pulling out a flashlight. Just go back to Frank "Capitol Punisher" Howard!

Posted by: VladiHondo | January 3, 2008 9:02 AM | Report abuse

How did this go by without comment?

"Don't pass the Dutchy on the left hand side, eh... Nothing gets pass the dutchy on the lefthand side."

Or is everyone - like me - just keeping back?

I prefer to call him "RYANZIMMERMANDOESITAGAINANOTHERGAMEWINNINGBLAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Posted by: Section 506 (Before moving) | January 3, 2008 9:15 AM | Report abuse

Well, speaking only for myself, unlike many balls hit to the z-man's territory, it was over my head...

---

How did this go by without comment?

"Don't pass the Dutchy on the left hand side, eh... Nothing gets pass the dutchy on the lefthand side."

Or is everyone - like me - just keeping back?

Posted by: natsfan1a | January 3, 2008 9:23 AM | Report abuse

the super sweeper?

Posted by: me again | January 3, 2008 9:24 AM | Report abuse

Master Z

I like...

Maybe he could rap on Lastings' next CD?

Posted by: NiceNat | January 3, 2008 9:37 AM | Report abuse

I like "Zimm-Zimm-Zalla-Bim."

They need to do a scoreboard cartoon this season whenever Zimmerman gets a big hit of a guy in a Nats uniform with a cape and a mask using a bat as a sword and making a "Z" mark a la Zorro and calling it the 'Mark of Zimmerman.' That's my two cents anyhow.

Posted by: Kevin | January 3, 2008 9:38 AM | Report abuse

Honestly, I've always just referred to him as "Zim." I've heard people attempt the moniker "Invader Zim," after the cartoon, but it kind of fell on its face.

"Dutch" makes him sound like a slimy used car salesman or an aging poker player, for some reason. No dice.

Cheesy as it is, I like Kevin's idea. From what I hear of this Clint character (geographical limitations precluded my attendance at RFK last season), this would be a significant upgrade. That's a well-spent two cents, my friend.

Posted by: John in Mpls | January 3, 2008 9:57 AM | Report abuse

I also like the mark of Zimmerman idea. Now for a corresponding idea for the many defensive gems...

Posted by: natsfan1a | January 3, 2008 10:19 AM | Report abuse

Rauch isn't Wookie--he's Lurch!

Posted by: Alex VA | January 3, 2008 10:33 AM | Report abuse

Ditto Jim Steele. And Chris's version is funnier.

Posted by: Steven on Capitol Hill | January 3, 2008 10:37 AM | Report abuse

Barry, this was brilliant and worth the wait. And Stan should be very happy, given that (IMHO) the only picture more flattering than Stan Kasten's was Ryan Zimmerman's. (But then Ryan needs no flattery.)

Posted by: Section 109 (old Section 406) | January 3, 2008 10:53 AM | Report abuse

Hey, I resemble that remark!

---

And Stan should be very happy, given that (IMHO) the only picture more flattering than Stan Kasten's was Ryan Zimmerman's. (But then Ryan needs no flattery.)

Posted by: NTR Mighty Austin Kearns | January 3, 2008 11:05 AM | Report abuse

Brilliant and hilarious piece to kick off the new year, Barry. Thanks!

And agreed 109/406. That Zimm pic was very "hubba hubba."

I actually had a dream last night that my friend and I ran into some Nats players on the street, including Zimm, who chatted with us for a while. Then we saw Schneider through the window of a passing car that was driving away. Le sigh!

Happy New Year, everyone!

Posted by: JennX | January 3, 2008 11:20 AM | Report abuse

oh, and p.s. Maybe this stems from the fact that I am not deeply steeped in baseball traditions, being a relative new fan of the game, but... am I the only one who doesn't get why the Milledge high-five "incident" is a big deal?

Posted by: JennX | January 3, 2008 11:23 AM | Report abuse

JennX, you do get why it's a big deal, I would wager, you just don't get why people think the game should be cryogenicaly frozen along with Ted Williams. I don't think it will do either of them any good.

Posted by: Section 506 (Before moving) | January 3, 2008 11:35 AM | Report abuse

The reason the Milledge high five thing is such a big deal is because New York sports reporters who cover the Mets are lame old farts who have no imagination and are always looking for something to complain about.

Posted by: Anonymous | January 3, 2008 11:47 AM | Report abuse

Apparently confident and excitable young rookies need to keep their cake holes shut and heads down. Drawing too much attention to oneself is threatening to established vets.

Posted by: NatsNut | January 3, 2008 11:51 AM | Report abuse

Wow!! You mean baseball can be fun?

With all the chest beatings and posse toting crap football/basketball players bring us I say let the baseball player have his fun and stop throwing the balls at the man's buns.

More fun less hitting o the buns.

It's a bad rhyme, yes, but true.

Posted by: NiceNat | January 3, 2008 12:09 PM | Report abuse

new post up

Posted by: Whoop de woo | January 3, 2008 12:24 PM | Report abuse

Nice job! The text, with pics included, is hilarious.

Posted by: Anonymous | January 3, 2008 12:39 PM | Report abuse

419+1--the thing that bugged me about Bieler's column was this sentence: "We're sure fans will be delighted to park in RFK lots where players' cars were once broken into for the privilege of boarding vans for a cross-town trip through the remnants of rush-hour traffic." Wasn't it the case that the players' cars had been left at RFK for several days while they were on the road? I never worried about my car being broken into while a game was actually being played. We don't need Mr. Bieler making the new season's problematic parking situation sound worse than it is.

Posted by: Section 109 (old Section 406) | January 3, 2008 3:54 PM | Report abuse

that's true, 109, (and it is also true that at least one player's car was *stolen* from that lot).

But I think this Bieler punk should "know [his] place".

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Posted by: Polly | March 19, 2008 8:22 AM | Report abuse

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Posted by: Alfred | April 6, 2008 2:21 PM | Report abuse

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