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Light Travels at the Speed of Willie Harris

I got a press release yesterday mentioning that Willie Harris had been named the NL's player of the week -- first time ever a Nats player has won the award outright. With a nod to Chuck Norris, and to the NJ's communal creativity, here is why Harris won:

Last week, the 30-year-old Harris earned the award by batting .583 (7-for-12) with a double, a triple, a league-best seven RBIs, one stolen base, five runs scored, four walks, a .688 on-base percentage, a 1.083 slugging percentage. He also counted to infinity -- twice. Most kids wear Superman pajamas, but this week, Superman began Willie Harris pajamas. Now, when the Boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks the closet for Willie Harris. When Willie Harris does push-ups before games, he isn't lifting himself up, he is pushing down on the Earth. Harris, who has seven stolen bases this season, is fast enough that he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

In Atlanta this last weekend, Harris didn't walk through doors, he broke through walls. A picture is worth a thousand words; Willie Harris is worth a billion words. Willie Harris can watch "60 Minutes" in 20. When Willie Harris jumps into water, he doesn't get wet; the water gets Willie Harris. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Willie Harris can actually hit a homer against you yesterday. Behind every successful man, there is a woman; behind every ruined pitcher, there is Willie Harris.

OK, OK, sorry for getting carried away. You guys rubbed off on me yesterday. Honestly, when I landed here and read the posts, I was rolling with laughter. Thanks so much. Here are my faves:

Did you know: Willie Harris can balance his whole body on the tip of just one finger? (Section 506)

Willie Harris' bat doesn't hit the ball, the ball hits Harris' bat. (Lurkernowposter)

Willie Harris once caught a fly ball before it was even hit. (Sec 114, Row E)

Light travels at the speed of Willie Harris (Traveler)

And then, the absolute most hilarious post:

---

Tomorrow's lineup...

Harris - 8
Harris - 3
Harris- 6
Harris - 9
Harris - 5
Harris - 2
Harris - 4
Harris - 7
Harris - 1

By Chico Harlan  |  July 22, 2008; 10:19 AM ET
 
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Next: Pena: Season-ending surgery

Comments

Harris - 2?

We don't need another stinking catcher!!!

Posted by: Chris | July 22, 2008 10:28 AM | Report abuse

Those are great, Chico! Glad that you enjoyed our off-day game (especially my lineup). :D

Posted by: natsfan1a | July 22, 2008 10:32 AM | Report abuse

Awesome, Chico!

Did you know Willie Harris once jumped over the Golden Gate Bridge?

That's actually not true, Willie Harris doesn't like to show off.

Posted by: Section 506 (Before moving) | July 22, 2008 10:34 AM | Report abuse

MLB NL and AL players of the week both play in the Bay Area - The CHESAPEAKE BAY AREA! Hooray for Willie Harris and Luke Scott!

Posted by: flynnie | July 22, 2008 10:35 AM | Report abuse

chico, maybe you should show some of those to willie's teammates. i'm sure they'd love the opportunity to rib him endlessly about it.

Posted by: 231 | July 22, 2008 10:36 AM | Report abuse

Is this a subtle tip of the hat to nerd rockers They Might Be Giants?

Apropos of tonight's matchup. Well played.

-----

When Willie Harris jumps into water, he doesn't get wet; the water gets Willie Harris.

Posted by: John in Mpls | July 22, 2008 10:37 AM | Report abuse

God, somehow even giddy-fun lineups depress me. Even when it's Willie Harris, we can't get production out of LF, and have to stick him in the 8 spot.

Posted by: nat in beantown | July 22, 2008 10:37 AM | Report abuse

Chico - The Cafe Americano has a great view of the Bay, bollito misto and chacuterie of salumi.

Posted by: flynnie | July 22, 2008 10:37 AM | Report abuse

Hahaha! Funny stuff! Willie Harris is just a someone that is easy to root for. The article this morning solidifies what's been said about him all year. My boys Bob and Don (yes, I'm one of the 9000 that watches MASN!) are always talking about what a great clubhouse presence he is. Keep up the good work, Willie!

Besides, how can you not like a guy named Willie?

Posted by: IHeartDonSutton | July 22, 2008 10:47 AM | Report abuse

I can think of one Willie that I don't like.

Posted by: (fake) Mike Dukakis | July 22, 2008 10:56 AM | Report abuse

Check out Marc Fisher's comment on the purchase of TEM by Snyder. You all are the answer. DC sports blogs totally overwhelm the "Duh, why can't we trade our 3rd rate, 2nd string shortstop for Tulowitzky?" that is standard fare on sports radio.

We actually value the written (or at least electronically transmitted and keyboarded) word.

And tell me...Do blogs and comments in other cities have grammar police? I think not!

Posted by: Catcher50 | July 22, 2008 10:57 AM | Report abuse

Willie Harris can divide by zero.

Willie Harris doesn't wear a watch. He tells time when and how to be.

Willie Harris does his grocery shopping at Lowe's.

Posted by: The Ghost of Gary Roberts | July 22, 2008 11:04 AM | Report abuse

Willie Harris can run through a car wash without getting wet.

Posted by: Section 505/203 | July 22, 2008 11:08 AM | Report abuse

Willie Harris knows the question of life, the universe, and everything.

Posted by: too nerdy? | July 22, 2008 11:11 AM | Report abuse

Umm, can Willie throw a curve ball?

Posted by: Section 223 | July 22, 2008 11:21 AM | Report abuse

The director has gone back to all of the major league movies and changed the Wesley Snipes/Omar Epps character's name to Willy Harris Hayes

Posted by: VT Nats Fan | July 22, 2008 11:24 AM | Report abuse

Willie Harris hits homer into McCovey Cove, and is waiting in raft to recover ball.

Posted by: SC Nats Fan | July 22, 2008 11:24 AM | Report abuse

"Umm, can Willie throw a curve ball?"

No need. He can throw the mythical gyroball.

Posted by: Dice K | July 22, 2008 11:26 AM | Report abuse

Austin Kearns line since his return July 3rd (13 games);

.327/.414/.531 2HR, 9K, 7BB, 11RBI

Posted by: MO Nats Fan | July 22, 2008 11:34 AM | Report abuse

756*

The asterisk stands for "record subject to approval by Willie Harris."

Posted by: Scott in Shaw | July 22, 2008 11:35 AM | Report abuse

Willie Harris can interview the Lerner and write a column in less than a week.......Boswell......Boswell......anyone......

Posted by: JayB | July 22, 2008 11:35 AM | Report abuse

JayB/Bueller is still not funny.

Posted by: its perpetually true | July 22, 2008 11:40 AM | Report abuse

So, are you suggesting it actually is better to feel good than it is to look good? Because AK looks the same, but he finally feels MAHVELOS!
---------------------
"Austin Kearns line since his return July 3rd (13 games);

.327/.414/.531 2HR, 9K, 7BB, 11RBI

Posted by: MO Nats Fan | July 22, 2008 11:34 AM "

Posted by: The Anti-Fernando | July 22, 2008 11:49 AM | Report abuse

Willie is so fast he can hit a double in the gap and score it in your Bob Carpenter book as he is bringing you nourishment and a tasty beverage from Ben's Chili Bowl.

Posted by: Section 223 | July 22, 2008 11:51 AM | Report abuse

It's the thought that counts.....how can two reporters sit down with owner of the team for the first time all year and come up with nothing to write about. I understand Boz did put together something with quote or two like

"It's been a tough week," said Mark Lerner. "We're taking it a day at a time. Everybody has bumps in the road."

Is that it? Nothing more than a lame reaction to a, self inflicted in most cases, week of bad news?

Posted by: JayB | July 22, 2008 11:54 AM | Report abuse

Willie Harris reminds me of an upgraded version of Jamey Carroll - a versatile player who plays the game the right way and is an asset to any team.

I hope that we find a place on the roster for him and sign him to a fair deal, not a crazy deal. Perhaps 2 years at something around $1M/year. He makes $809K this year. I think that would be a good deal for both the Nats and Willie Harris.

Posted by: NatsWin! | July 22, 2008 11:55 AM | Report abuse

Nice, Sect. 223!

Posted by: natsfan1a | July 22, 2008 11:55 AM | Report abuse

Hebrew scholars have determined that a more accurate translation of Genesis 1:1 is: "In the beginning, God created Willie Harris, then He let Willie take it from there."

Posted by: Capitol Hill | July 22, 2008 12:04 PM | Report abuse

Nice job, NJ-ers. I love the Chuck Norris random fact generator. :) A good start to hopefully a good week. I will actually be able to watch the Nats on TV this week since they are here playing the Gigantes.

Posted by: Patty | July 22, 2008 12:19 PM | Report abuse

JayB = Fun Vacuum

The Nats have won two in a row. Willie Harris is Player of the Week. Bunch of guys are coming off the DL. Starting pitching has been pretty solid. Trade rumors circulate.

The NJ is set in some sort of positive bubble, however short lived.

The Nats choo choo is rolling through the west coast. Its fun. You should hop aboard.

Posted by: Los Doce Ocho | July 22, 2008 12:19 PM | Report abuse

I want to back JayB up here. When Chico and the Bos met with Mark Lerner, there were some bombshell quotes released - I expected a larger story out of this from Bos.

But since then... nothing.

Chico, what's up with that?

Posted by: Sec 114, Row E | July 22, 2008 12:25 PM | Report abuse

2007 1st half

342/419/441 in 142 PA's (babip .408!!!!!)

2007 2nd Half

214/294/354 in 218 Pa's (babip . .268)


Enjoy it while you can

Posted by: Can you guess who I am? | July 22, 2008 12:26 PM | Report abuse

My company is heading out to cheer on the Giants on Thursday. I've been threatened with ritual disembowlment if I cheer for the Nats. Can I borrow Willie Harris as a bodyguard?

Posted by: SF Fan | July 22, 2008 12:28 PM | Report abuse

Earlier today, Nationals outfielder Wily Mo Pena had successful surgery performed on his left shoulder by Dr. Timothy Kremchek in Cincinnati, OH.

Dr. Kremchek repaired a significant partial tear of his rotator cuff, as well as a tear and fraying of his posterior labrum.

Pena will be placed in a sling for approximately 3 weeks, at which time a formal rehab program will begin.

Pena will be out for 4-6 months, but is expected to be ready for Spring Training 2009.

Posted by: WMP Update | July 22, 2008 12:38 PM | Report abuse

"...but is expected to be ready for Spring Training 2009."

Posted by: official Nats slogan? | July 22, 2008 12:41 PM | Report abuse

While Willie Harris is certainly capable of playing in the game and simultaneously performing bodyguard responsibilities, he has informed me that it would be a better use of his time to forego the latter and simply perform a ritual re- embowelment if you meet that threatened fate.

Posted by: John in Mpls | July 22, 2008 12:41 PM | Report abuse

Those who want Phil Wood to return to local radio, please email glasgowd@redskins.com. He has something to do with the programing at the new espn980 station that Snyder has become the emperor of. I did, and hopefully if eneough of us do, the saturday morning show might return. He has a letter posted on the espn980.com website about the programming and that changes could come as a result of fan feedback. Lets test him and see if it is all talk or if the action of Nats fans can persuade them to bring back the Wood.

Posted by: SC Nats Fan | July 22, 2008 12:44 PM | Report abuse

amusing, and i'm a big willy harris fan...

but when are we going to get actual content? is there anything to be gained from Chico in this journal?

not a good sign when the posters have actual info (like Wily Mo's update) and chico is nowhere to be found...

If he gets paid for this, i want to know what he's getting paid for.

Posted by: q | July 22, 2008 12:46 PM | Report abuse

You didn't read the full press release.

"During the pre-operation examination, Kremcheck also discovered a unique nuerological disorder that, if untreated, results in the utter inability to track fly balls in the outfield, and take efficient routes to balls he is responsible for fielding.

Kremcheck noted that, in rare cases, the condition is also responsible for causing a player to take ridiculous hacks at breaking balls that are out of the strike zone.

Pena will undergo therapy for this condition in the coming months, but is expected to be ready for Spring Training in 2009."

Posted by: John in Mpls | July 22, 2008 12:47 PM | Report abuse

I'm going to the game tonight and will be highly disappointed if I do not see Willie Harris in the lineup. Although, if light really does travel at the speed of Willie Harris, it is altogether possible I won't see him even if he is in there.

Posted by: John | July 22, 2008 12:53 PM | Report abuse

Thanks for the Phil Wood info SC!

You know, WMP should have had Willie Harris do the surgery instead of old man Kremchek. He would have been available for tonight's game instead of rehabbing!

Posted by: Section 425 (old) | July 22, 2008 12:54 PM | Report abuse

Relax, it's only 10:00am out here. I'm sure there will be more postings with news-ish info soon.

Posted by: @q | July 22, 2008 12:55 PM | Report abuse

If he gets paid for this, i want to know what he's getting paid for.

Posted by: q | July 22, 2008 12:46 PM
------------

Willie Harris can unravel logic puzzles like this one.

Posted by: Capitol Hill | July 22, 2008 12:55 PM | Report abuse

In other news, Harris' Wikipedia page could use an update:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Willie_Harris

Posted by: natsfan1a | July 22, 2008 12:58 PM | Report abuse

Also, new post up.

Posted by: natsfan1a | July 22, 2008 1:14 PM | Report abuse

Q - Willie Harris is very disappointed in your glass-half empty comment.

Posted by: TonyD | July 22, 2008 5:08 PM | Report abuse

Willie's making a list, and he's checking it twice...

Posted by: natsfan1a | July 22, 2008 7:11 PM | Report abuse

All your base are belong to Willie Harris.

Posted by: us | July 22, 2008 11:15 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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