I didn't send a thing. I didn't do a thing. This is a fake "holiday"

No school today in Fairfax!!!

I agree, this is NOT supposed to be a children's holiday. My understanding is that this holiday celebrates romantic love.

I will however be sending in little boxes of sweetarts tomorrow. I'm not about to let my kids be embarrassed by me making a stand against the ridiculousness of it all.

As far as the bad mother thing goes, take a deep breath and refuse to play the who's a better mommy game. Knocking yourself out does not really impress anyone - it says "I'm insecure." My kids are happy to be giving sweetarts.

I did the construction paper hearts last night. It was ok except my toddler kept trying to cut the paper into little bits. I don't think there's any need to feel insecure about what other people bring. Who cares! I think it's more for your kid to feel included. Apparently everyone in his class is bringing valentines and I don't want him to feel like the slacker. But I'm not going to spring for Hallmark cards for everyone. that's silly. They're two!

Leslie, how much of this is about your over-achieving personality? My kids are older, but I did what I did and didn't worry about what the other parents were doing.

FWIW, on Valentine's Day, we had cards for each of the classmates. The cards were the ones you would find in a drugstore or grocery store. Never anything fancy. The room mother sent a list of suggested items for a class party and you either signed up for something or you didn't. My children knew from an early age to only sign up for something I could buy. Paper plates were always good :-).

Now, in Howard County schools, there are new 'wellness' policies, and I don't think you can send in much of anything. I don't know all the details, but it is something like only one or two parties during the year and they must be after lunch. No birthday cupcakes are allowed.

Whoo-hoo. So glad we moved away from Fairfax. Hadn't realized that even V-Day had gotten out of control.Honestly I think it's odd how parenting can be seen as a competitive sport.

At our kid's school (near Norfolk), the principal decided that since they were now getting so much candy it resembled Halloween (Remember when we just gave the cards and signed our names),they didn't ALSO need a party. so at the end of the day today, everybody will exchange Valentines and that's the end of it.

On the other hand,I DO like the fact that now kids are required to give everyone a Valentine. When we were growing up, I remember it being a popularity contest ad getting kind of ugly and sad.

BTW, last year I tried to take a stand against the sugar bonanza by making my kids give Valentine's Day pencils. They tell me they got a lot of grief for that. This year it's back to Dum-dum pops and mini Kit-Kat bars.

'Apparently everyone in his class is bringing valentines and I don't want him to feel like the slacker. But I'm not going to spring for Hallmark cards for everyone. that's silly. They're two!'

Do you really think that a two-year-old is going to feel like a slacker?

What are you going to do when he is in middle school and wants to keep up with everyone else?

What in the world does this have to do with balance?

I think a bigger issue here is how to stand by your family's values and beliefs in the face of peer pressure and materialistic excesses. Of course, none of us like it when our children are disappointed and sad and feel left out.

However, if you don't stand by your beliefs when the kids are young, it only gets harder as they get older. Start early. Telling them, "I know other families do things differently, but we are not other families and this is the way we do things" seems to be a better solution than perpetually worrying that you are not doing enough.

For holidays such as this, we have cards for each of the children and contribute to a class party. We do not have individual treats for each child.

I have known high school girls who MUST have a gift for each of their ten closest friends. They wanted real gifts, not just a token. This is ridiculous. My children got quite tired of hearing, "Well, it's too bad that you got us as parents instead of MAry's parents." "When you grow up and have your own kids, you can do it differently."

I agree that there are too many parties and too much sugar, but no birthday cupcakes!!! That's child abuse. ;)

Parenthood as a competitive sport is ugly and sad and fuels the cat-fighting stereotype of women. It's also a popular sport at my daughter's school. I refuse to play.

"Every impressive Valentine dumped from my children's backpacks screams at me: bad mother!"

That comment is way too silly. This is a stupid holiday that sounds like it's been hijacked by candymakers and Hallmark.

I am so glad my children go to a private school where this is not celebrated--neither is Halloween. So much better than what you describe.

It has everything to do with balance - do I just throw a box of inexpensive valentines in the cart at the grocery store or do I spend hours baking special cupcakes?
I do think some of the over the top Leslie experienced is from having her children in private school - more wealthy type A personalities, though over the top type A personalities can exist anywhere. The problem is just one or two families can start this and to make thier child not feel left out, or to make themselves look good, others follow in a vicious cycle of competativeness. The best you can do is try to do enough so your child doesn't feel left out, but not try to win the contest. Remember there are usually other parents who want to keep it reasonable so you are not alone

why is Leslie so insecure? if other people go to a lot of trouble and/or expense, that's fine for them. I don't feel any pressure to match them. We used to enjoy making simple candy valentines. This year the teacher said no candy, so we bought a box of little folding cards at the drugstore and spent about 10 minutes addressing them.

My girls made and decorated valentine cards. No candy--and I hate that all the other parents send candy in. No child needs all that candy. Even the teachers sent a bag of candy for each child. They didn't take their valentines yesterday (it wasn't Valentine's Day). But all the other children in the 5 y.o.s class brought them in yesterday (but no one in the 8 yo's class did). They were the cheapo cards with candy, or tiny bags of M$Ms or little boxes of conversation hearts. Although I deplore all the candy, no one spent a lot of money or time on them.

This topic has so much to do with balance, because it's an example of how totally UNBALANCED life gets sometimes!

I never, ever would have imagined this kind of stuff when I was pregnant with my first child. And I'm not sure it has to do with being competitive -- it has to do with wanting to be a good mom, and being afraid you fall short in others' eyes.

And I am so glad to hear that perhaps this kind of silliness is limited to private schools -- but I'd like to hear from more people with kids at public schools to see if this is indeed true. A good public school is the answer to a lot of the insanity. My latest pet peeve is how many holidays and extended vacations the private schools have -- very difficult for families where both parents work fulltime.

Happy Valentine's Day! Happy Snow Day! By lucky coincidence I got my kids three movies for VD presents (Balto, Flicka and Step Up) so they have plenty of entertainment. Husband is a different story...

The whole thing is crazy. I got scooby doo and polly pocket valentines at the dollar store and we put 50 cent pieces on them instead of candy since we ususally end up throwing out all of the candy and that's it. I thought most kids probably hadn't seen the 50 cent pieces and they might even learn something about President Kennedy in the process.

I don't get this idea of buying presents for kids for valentines day ( DVDs and stuff)? What is this Christmas? I saw women in Target the other day buying special Valentines day outfits for their daughters. Spending essentially $40 on an outfit for one Hallmark holiday. I'm a SAHM, but I think this is one thing that SAHMs go crazy with is the holidays. Just wait 'till St. Patrick's day there will be moms with green cookies and gold coins etc... I'd rather the schools didn't celebrate them at all. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Leslie, I think we parents (mothers) worry too much.

Recently, I looked briefly at store-made cards for my 4th grader and then promptly forgot.

I asked her what she wanted to do, and she hasn't expressed a strong interest in doing anything.

So I didn't worry about it. School is delayed here in NY, so if she wants to be creative this morning, she can, but I'm not going to make myself crazy.

One small step for woman...

Leslie, I think we parents (mothers) worry too much.

Recently, I looked briefly at store-made cards for my 4th grader and then promptly forgot.

I asked her what she wanted to do, and she hasn't expressed a strong interest in doing anything.

So I didn't worry about it. School is delayed here in NY, so if she wants to be creative this morning, she can, but I'm not going to make myself crazy.

One small step for woman...

Why are you making your kids' valentines? Shouldn't they be doing this? What's next--you doing their homework?

Yeesh! Stop the one-upmanship!

Leslie are you kidding? Who has time to make that stuff? My daughter is three and I sent Dora cards. One thing I can't stand though is that every holiday has to be celebrated with junk food. Oh it's V-day lets have cake, juice, candy, cheese, suckers, chocolate, etc.

It's---insert holiday here lets have all of the above again. It's someone's birthday time for an overhaul of junk.

I mean really we have an epidemic of overweight kids in this country and I feel like the school gives treats out all the time. I mean what's a parent to do?

My kids' school doesn't celebrate this silly holiday either.

What did Leslie's husband do to help? Is he a "bad father"?

It's so interesting to note all of the comments about candy, cake, junk etc. (With which, I agree, BTW.) However, as one mom pointed out, you have every right to THROW IT AWAY. So do it, and stop complaining about getting candy. My kids get candy rarely and see these holidays as an opportunity to splurge a little. Which is kinda what they were intended for, if I'm not mistaken. So, please, could you folks please stop sucking the fun out of everything?

As for the material excesses and competitiveness of the holidays... My kids are being taught to enjoy the simpler aspects and not expect a Christmas-type celebration on every holiday. But I, as a parent, have to model this. There are always going to be people who do more and have more. Get over it.

Luckily for me, Valentine's Day is still a romantic holiday (no kids). But I still think it's a total Hallmark holiday. We buy each other little romantic things and go out to dinner (okay, not tonight because all the restaurants will be packed). I don't know any husband who buys the diamond tennis bracelet or pendant. If I did I think I'd slap him!

In my parochial school, we made valentines in class and then handed them out the next day. No candy. At the time, I didn't know any different (no friends in public school), so I didn't complain.

Moxiemom I wish people wouldn't celebrate St. Patrick's Day with green cookies either. It means more to some people than that. Luckily, my kid is never there on that day because we always celebrate that holiday with my family in Ohio.

Leslie, why do you even care what the other parents send in? And why are you buying gifts for your kids? This is not a 'gifts for kids' holiday. I noticed that when my kids bring home their Valentine loot from school, they are happy, but they don't remember who gave them what!

I agree with Leslie - I don't think this can be written off so easily as a "competition" issue among moms. While certainly there are some moms who seem eager to "one up" all others when in comes to such things (whether it be valentine day cards, halloween costumes, art/dance/music/whatever classes), I think the majority of us just want to be "good moms." And in our quest to be a "good mom," it is hard not to measure ourselves (and our children) against our (and their) peers.

As a rational person, I know that my worth as a mom has nothing to do with what offerings my child brings to his classmates at Valentine's Day. But I also want my child to fit in with and be accepted by his peers, so I participate in these activities and ultimately perpetuate the problem.

This is why I really appreciate the teachers/principals that set the rules - e.g., no sweets or nothing but cards.

Moxiemom I wish people wouldn't celebrate St. Patrick's Day with green cookies either. It means more to some people than that. Luckily, my kid is never there on that day because we always celebrate that holiday with my family in Ohio.

"And I'm not sure it has to do with being competitive -- it has to do with wanting to be a good mom, and being afraid you fall short in others' eyes."

Leslie, what did you mean then when you said "Who can keep up?"

I agree with Leslie - I don't think this can be written off so easily as a "competition" issue among moms. While certainly there are some moms who seem eager to "one up" all others when in comes to such things (whether it be valentine day cards, halloween costumes, art/dance/music/whatever classes), I think the majority of us just want to be "good moms." And in our quest to be a "good mom," it is hard not to measure ourselves (and our children) against our (and their) peers.

As a rational person, I know that my worth as a mom has nothing to do with what offerings my child brings to his classmates at Valentine's Day. But I also want my child to fit in with and be accepted by his peers, so I participate in these activities and ultimately perpetuate the problem.

This is why I really appreciate the teachers/principals that set the rules - e.g., no sweets or nothing but cards.

To 9:03 am question about my husband: Last night at 8 pm he looked at all the Valentine's stuff spread on the dining room table and asked "Oh, is tomorrow Valentine's Day?" That was his contribution. A good balancing weight to the VD craziness!

I think it is a total over-reaction when schools ban holidays like Valentine's and Halloween. Much better to set limits and talk to parents about the messages of "excess" we are sending, and give parents a chance to self-police. Not sure if it will work but better than a total ban!

That's great that another mother violated copyrights (i'm guessing the songs werent public domain) and piracy laws by burning cd's for all the kids in the class.

We have one child in private and one child in public schools. In our admittedly limited experience, Valentines Day is handled the same by the parents and teachers in each. Cards without candy are so far outside the norm now that my daughter was the only child in her pre-school class of 18 last year who brought in cards. just store-bought cards. addressed and signed by her. Every other card had a goodie bag or multiple pieces of candy attached to it. The recipients tossed her cards aside like so much detritus and focused, as children will, on the cards that came with the largest edible payoffs. The stakes have indeed been raised.

This year our daughter addressed and signed her cards and we agreed to attach a single lollipop to each. She's only 5 and has so much joy in the anticipation of this day, it's worth it to us to recycle the Halloween candy in this limited manner; however, we have neither the time nor the budget nor the desire to turn Valentines Day into the goodie-bag equivalent of a birthday party. Fortunately, my son has been way too cool for Valentines Day cards since 2nd grade.

I wish more schools, or even individual teachers, would kill the candy associated with this holiday. It's not healthy and no child needs it.

My daughter is 3 and we got a box of Thomas cards for each of her classmates. That's it. School's cancelled, but I think the parents would be up in arms if we sent candy for 3 yr olds! I know I'd be upset if my daughter came home with an armload of candy!
We got my daughter a Valentine card this morning.
My mom always got me a cute pair of earrings (nothing expensive) or a bracelet, etc and my dad got me yellow roses each year.
My husband and I don't celebrate VDay, though- what a waste of money!

Who cares what other parents think? Why would I spend hours baking personalized cakes? Or spend upwards of $100 buying goodies? It's nice for the kids to get cards, but I always detested the Valentine grams/roses you could buy in school. It caused so much drama and hurt for the kids who didn't get anything.

I checked out the On Parenting blog and it's a lot like its counterpart on the Wall Street Journal. Insipid and asinine.

Makes a lot of Leslie's stuff downright profound and Proustian.

To 9:03 am question about my husband: Last night at 8 pm he looked at all the Valentine's stuff spread on the dining room table and asked "Oh, is tomorrow Valentine's Day?" That was his contribution. A good balancing weight to the VD craziness!

I think it is a total over-reaction when schools ban holidays like Valentine's and Halloween. Much better to set limits and talk to parents about the messages of "excess" we are sending, and give parents a chance to self-police. Not sure if it will work but better than a total ban!

I wish people wouldn't celebrate St. Patrick's Day with green cookies either.

Scarry - I agree. We don't celebrate St. Patrick's day because we are neither Irish or Catholic.

"As a rational person, I know that my worth as a mom has nothing to do with what offerings my child brings to his classmates at Valentine's Day. But I also want my child to fit in with and be accepted by his peers, so I participate in these activities and ultimately perpetuate the problem."

Londonmom - I don't intend this to be snarky however, isn't it our job as parents to model behavior that we want our children to achiever. Therefore wouldn't you be setting a good example by having the courage to be the kind of mom you want to be. YOu'd be showing your children the value of being true to themselves. If you can't stand up to Valentines day then how can you expect them to stand up to pressure for drinking or drugs. Maybe some of the other parents would be relieved that someone opted out or scaled back. Again, just a comment, not intended as an attack on your person.

"jrbva," I know what you're saying. While I think that gifts of diamonds for spouses are excessive for Valentine's Day, I don't begrudge the kids small gifts or candy. Parents can do what they want. I'm sure they know what they're doing.

"experienced mom," I'm not picking a fight, but I wanted to point this out. You asked Leslie "why do you even care what the other parents send in? And why are you buying gifts for your kids?" Doesn't that seem hypocritical? So she shouldn't worry about the moms at school but she should worry about what you think she should get her kids? I think that if we stopped judging moms based on what they do for their kids, we woulnd't have this whole competition thing.

Government had 2 hour delay, so I am just getting in. I actually get what Leslie is saying. There has been this insane escaltion in kid functions in this last generation. Everything to Halloween to kids birthday parties. Don't get me started on kid's birthday parties. That deserves a day to itself. Anyway, call me lame but I sent in a $3 box of Dora cards. It covered the preschool and day care plus their teachers. I sent in a box of gourmet chocolates (from Costco-you can guess how gourment they are) to the day care staff and a box of chocolate to the preschool faculty. There was a message in her back pack about a V-Day party and was asking for a contribution. I really wish they would give you more then one day notice on these things. So I threw in an unopened box of cookies in her back pack. Luckily school was cancelled. I am not sure if they will celebrate it tomorrow. If they do, DD misses out because she is only enrolled in the M-W class. Maybe we will get lucky and they will do it next week. But V-Day cards was evidently part of the lesson. The kids will have mail boxes and put the cards in each other's mail boxes and learn about addressing an envelope and delivering mail. With that in mind, they should have given more then one snow day lead time so parents can be prepared. DD goes to day care and the day care throws a party. They usually come home with some sort of gift. I think last year it was a heart shaped plastic plate and a heart shaped cookie. But I figure that is covered in our $1300/month day care fee. They have never asked for a donation. Most parents do not send candy because the kids are so young. One mother said those cheap lollipops and I bet more then 1/2 were dumped in the trash before the kids saw them. Didn't know I was suppose to send treats to the elementary school. Oh yeah, you wanna know what is lame. The school PTA was selling candy grams for a quarter. So I sent in $3 and it covered all the kids and the teachers too. I figured that was more then enough. I already know I can't compete with the baking moms. I even go to the baker for my kids birthday cupcakes. Hmm, what to do? Moxiemom-I always wondered what some SAHMs did or moms on a tight budget about all this stuff. I think part of this insanity is working mom guilt. I have to admit that I bought $50 worth of V-Day gifts for DD. Sometimes I think it is because I grew up more main stream middle to lower middle class. We rarely even had the cheap $3 CVS cards to give out. Lord knows, my mother never baked for schools. We were always the kids that came in with a box of Hostess twinkies as our contribution. Don't know what Mom did because she did not work outside the home. But she sure as heck never baked. On the other hand, we had awesome home made Halloween costumes. Mom is an artist. But my point was $$ was always a bit tight till I was in HS. So I missed out on all the silly little things. I think that is why I go nuts on the little things. I bought so much crap for her Christmas stocking, I had to put some of it away for her Easter basket. I have to keep telling myself she does not need any more crap. She does not need any more crap. Help me guys!!!

My daughter is 3 and we got a box of Thomas cards for each of her classmates. That's it. School's cancelled, but I think the parents would be up in arms if we sent candy for 3 yr olds! I know I'd be upset if my daughter came home with an armload of candy!
We got my daughter a Valentine card this morning.
My mom always got me a cute pair of earrings (nothing expensive) or a bracelet, etc and my dad got me yellow roses each year.
My husband and I don't celebrate VDay, though- what a waste of money!

Who cares what other parents think? Why would I spend hours baking personalized cakes? Or spend upwards of $100 buying goodies? It's nice for the kids to get cards, but I always detested the Valentine grams/roses you could buy in school. It caused so much drama and hurt for the kids who didn't get anything.

Hey, Armchair Mom, the pencils are popular around here!

The standard around here (public, great school, Atlanta) is either kid-made or drugstore Valentines, usually with a little token attached --- either a small candy, a patterned pencil, something. My 4th grader chose to do handmade this year (with a clever design, I might add :-) ) with Tootsie pops attached; my 1st grader did store-bought princess-y ones with one little plastic card/popout model attached (jungle animals, dinos, or planes, we love 'em and they're a dime each). One shopping trip, then the youngest's got done during her sisters' 30 minute piano lesson, so not too bad. There have been years when the kids chose too ambitious a design and were really straggling by the time they finished 20+; some years with a high homework load just finishing all that to/from writing has been a struggle.

My oldest really enjoyed making Valentines but had displaced stress/tummy-ache from the way taking that time impacted her having to power through piano practice, recorder practice for school, homework . . . cost was one tummyache dreading practice before piano and one overlate night finishing homework. . . somehow it's less the Valentines, which were fun but the final straw, and more the continuing level of work . . . gotta get that practicing spread more effectively over the week . . .

and to connect to an earlier school discussion, my Tuesday take-off-early-and-meet-the-schoolbus day is specifically designed to fit in a good piano practice session!

Lucky you guys, without Valentines' parties, we have the obligatory appearance at the classroom parties at 1 and 1:15 today --- then we will have to extract ourselves and send the kids to aftercare when so many kids are just leaving school early to go home with parents. Usually I cave and just call it a day and take my begging youngest home at that point, but we both have late afternoon teaching obligations we can't shift today . . . phooey, I hate having to extract myself from midday workday contact points. Was terrible those years when I did a midday preschool pickup, picking up then dropping dd with the sitter --- seeing her was great but during certain phases having to wrangle my way out again, not . . .

Oh, also, for the past several years the level of school parties and family/public holidays is such that their Halloween candy bins never empty: Christmas candy gets dumped in in December, Valentines' in February, Easter's in April, birthday goody bags whenever --- it never really empties out. Even with Mom scavenging in there occasionally . . .

to 9:17 - no offense taken. You make a very valid point and I think the easiest answer is that I differentiate between the "big" issues - like drugs, sex, respect for everybody, strong moral convictions, etc. - with the not so big issues - like including candy in my son's valentine's day card.

Perhaps at this point it is an age thing as well. My child is young (under 5), so I'm just teaching the basics. And he isn't old enough to understand why he is the only kid in his class who didn't include candy in his valentine day's cards.

RE: "I've seen enormous gourmet cupcakes personalized with each classmate's name in fancy script icing, lacquered doilies that look as if they belong in a vintage museum, homemade heart-shaped cookies on a stick, and last year one mom burned CDs with her child's favorite love songs. Who can keep up?"

NO. WAY. Who has time to do all of this?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I must be a horrible parent because my daughter gets a box of those Charlie Brown dinky V-day cards from CVS, addresses them herself, and the teeny boxes of conversation hearts to distribute. :-) Although for folks who hate all the influx of candy at this time - we have her put it in her candy pot and every Sunday night, and once during the week after dinner she can pick one thing to eat out of it. That way, her candy lasts a lot longer (we did this for Halloween and she was stunned how long it lasted...) and she isn't sugar overloading herself onto the fast track for Type 2 diabetes (diabetes runs deep in my family). Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Leslie - Why be so hard on yourself? It is silly to feel like a loser because some Uber-mom's main purpose in life is to make the rest of us look bad. (Sarcasm alert - any uber-mom out there and relax)

We did the sweetheart boxes for both kids. I don't feel bad at all - I am just glad we got all the names written properly.

I agree - too much candy and too much emphasis on "Holiday Parties" at school. Thankfully my daughter's 3rd grade teacher tones it down. I understand having some fun but the cupcakes, cookies, candy and "crafts" are annoying. It is too much.

Bringing in cupcakes or cookies is not necessarily one-upmanship or even trying to be a 'good mom'. Some people actually enjoy baking! Making and decorating cupcakes can be a fun parent/child activity - a chance to spend time together and do something creative. Mothers (and fathers) who do this are not looking for recognition or trying to foster competition, just looking for an outlet for their own creativity, and a quality time alternative to the TV. And they make them to send to school, because they'll never eat a whole batch of cupcakes at home.
Try not being so sensitive and paranoid. Peoples' motives aren't always bad.

My daughter is 3 and we got a box of Thomas cards for each of her classmates. That's it. School's cancelled, but I think the parents would be up in arms if we sent candy for 3 yr olds! I know I'd be upset if my daughter came home with an armload of candy!
We got my daughter a Valentine card this morning.
My mom always got me a cute pair of earrings (nothing expensive) or a bracelet, etc and my dad got me yellow roses each year.
My husband and I don't celebrate VDay, though- what a waste of money!

Who cares what other parents think? Why would I spend hours baking personalized cakes? Or spend upwards of $100 buying goodies? It's nice for the kids to get cards, but I always detested the Valentine grams/roses you could buy in school. It caused so much drama and hurt for the kids who didn't get anything.

Since there are so many objections to candy and sugar, let's do something different in the spirit of the holiday. How about spin-the-bottle?

I don't envy you in this Valentine's Day arms race! ;-) I celebrate Valentine's Day more because it's my BF's birthday than anything else. It's a shame that schools can't use VDay to get kids to make cards for our troops, particularly since in the DC area we have tons of soldiers recuperating in the local military hospitals. Or whatever money you would spend on cards put towards books for school library or even better the library of school less fortunate than your kid's school. It's not a Martha Stewart moment but would seem to have more value.

"Moxiemom I wish people wouldn't celebrate St. Patrick's Day with green cookies either. It means more to some people than that. Luckily, my kid is never there on that day because we always celebrate that holiday with my family in Ohio.

Posted by: scarry | February 14, 2007 09:09 AM"

What about celebrating St. Patty's Day with Green Beer? For the adults, not the kids.

My friend calls the pressure of goodie bags the goody bag olympics. I already know that I will NEVER medal in the goodie bag olympics. $75 for goodie bags for the day care and my kid doesn't even medal. How can you medal when a parent sends in a DVD for each child (not a pirated copy mind you). Enough about birthdays, I will save that rant for birthday blog day.

My friend calls the pressure of goodie bags the goody bag olympics. I already know that I will NEVER medal in the goodie bag olympics. $75 for goodie bags for the day care and my kid doesn't even medal. How can you medal when a parent sends in a DVD for each child (not a pirated copy mind you). Enough about birthdays, I will save that rant for birthday blog day.

VD- Yet ANOTHER acronym gone wrong! VD Craziness. LMAO! I keep remembering the line from Good Morning Vietnam where he strings them all together.
Seriously, personalized cupcakes? WTF? Whatever happened to the Transformers valentines cards you buy for a dollar and scribble a note on? Some people have too much money for their own good.
If green cookies for St Patricks day is as bad as it got, fine, I will stick to my corned beef and cabbage with a side of whisky, but I could not agree more about blowing all that on one outfit that will only get worn once! Sure, get a little bit of candy, or a cheezy card, wear something red- heck I have a red shirt and I wore it today- but I do not see why we do everything to excess.

If the VIP SAHM got their DD CKs and she shared them with the other DC at HS and they somehow got VD, the SAHM would be in DS because her DH would have to go pick her up PDQ and then go to the ER or she could wind up DOA if he was stuck in traffic and then everyone would be SOL.

I've never had a green beer, but more power to ya if you like it! :)

I

londonmom - sorry, that was me. I understand where you are coming from. I guess one of the things I enjoy about getting older is pretty much not caring about what other people think of me. I'm not much of a cook or housekeeper while many of my SAHM friends are totally into that stuff. I've decided that my role is to let them feel better about themselves (haha). My motto is "moxiemom, keeping the bar low for everyone". There are other things that I do well that they don't. We all have our skill sets and priorities. With the vast amount of peer pressure out there, I do worry about my children being able to be true to themselves - especially my dd. I think a super topic would be balancing family values with the larger culture and how do you stay true to yourself without completely excluding your kid from their peer group.(Leslie..)

The other thing that is troubling is all I hear is that there isn't enough time for extras in school like music and p.e. because of all the NCLB testing but we have time to celebrate these dumb holidays and the time when the local professional sports team makes it to the playoffs. If they have extra time, I'd rather they send my kid outside to play!

Foamgnome -- I get a lot of what you say too, so I always like to hear it when we're on the same wavelength. Did you send me your guest blog? My inbox gets swamped so if you put FoamGnome on the Re: line that will help me find it.

I think the Valentine's Day excess is like the Birthday Party Goodie Bag excess. Bizarre and wasteful of time, effort and energy. I never give Goodie Bags at parties and I am stunned by the number of children who demand them on the way out. Once we had a pony ride party and I gave out inexpensive copies of Black Beauty...that was my high water mark. A book makes such a statement of moral superiority! Can't come up with an equivalent for Valentine's Day though. Any ideas?

londonmom - sorry, that was me. I understand where you are coming from. I guess one of the things I enjoy about getting older is pretty much not caring about what other people think of me. I'm not much of a cook or housekeeper while many of my SAHM friends are totally into that stuff. I've decided that my role is to let them feel better about themselves (haha). My motto is "moxiemom, keeping the bar low for everyone". There are other things that I do well that they don't. We all have our skill sets and priorities. With the vast amount of peer pressure out there, I do worry about my children being able to be true to themselves - especially my dd. I think a super topic would be balancing family values with the larger culture and how do you stay true to yourself without completely excluding your kid from their peer group.(Leslie..)

The other thing that is troubling is all I hear is that there isn't enough time for extras in school like music and p.e. because of all the NCLB testing but we have time to celebrate these dumb holidays and the time when the local professional sports team makes it to the playoffs. If they have extra time, I'd rather they send my kid outside to play!

VD- Yet ANOTHER acronym gone wrong! VD Craziness. LMAO! Seriously, personalized cupcakes? WTF? Whatever happened to the Transformers valentines cards you buy for a dollar and scribble a note on? Some people have too much money for their own good.
If green cookies for St Patricks day is as bad as it got, fine, I will stick to my corned beef and cabbage with a side of whisky, but I could not agree more about blowing all that on one outfit that will only get worn once! Sure, get a little bit of candy, or a cheezy card, wear something red- heck I have a red shirt and I wore it today- but I do not see why we do everything to excess.

If the VIP SAHM got their DD CKs and she shared them with the other DC at HS and they somehow got VD, the SAHM would be in DS because her DH would have to go pick her up PDQ and then go to the ER or she could wind up DOA if he was stuck in traffic and then everyone would be SOL.

I bet even the psycho astronaut mom sent valentines... Granted, they were probably on cigarette paper and written in urine and feces squeezed from her diaper, but it is the thought that counts.

So I was watching Sex and the City (for the millionth time) last night. On TBS, which jsut isn't the same, but anyway...

This was the episode in which Carrie's shoes were stolen from a party in honor of a new baby. The hostess didn't offer to pay for them and Carrie later got upset that single people didn't get gifts for anything. She had spent money on wedding showers, wedding, baby showers, but single people don't get anything.

Just a funny episode on the married v single. Thought this would be a better debate than SAHMs v WOHMs.

"Try not being so sensitive and paranoid. Peoples' motives aren't always bad.

Posted by: MDDAD | February 14, 2007 09:29 AM"

If the cookies/cupcakes looked like kids had made them, it would be one thing, but they look like a mother (or father) spent hours meticulously decorating them with not a child in sight. I do know some highly creative people that use their children's school/activities as an outlet, which is fine. But to pass it off as "me and my child working together" is usually not the case.

My point is - why let it bother you? If someone wants to spend hours decorating sugary treats - so be it.

yikes, the blog poster mechanism hijacked me. I dunno why it keeps posting. sorry!

"however, isn't it our job as parents to model behavior that we want our children to achiever"

It isn't? I thought that was a parent's job...

what's with all the double posts??!! the snow must have caused the computers to go whackya s well!

Ok... I take issue with another part of Leslie's post: before kids "Valentine's Day was a romantic, decidely adult holiday, celebrated with lingerie, chocolate and sex."

No, it isn't whether you have kids or not. It is a made up holiday that only people who have been dating for a short time really partake in. I'm a newlywed... we can celebrate any day with lingerie, chocolate and sex because we have NO KIDS yet, we don't have to wait until an arbitrary, artificial holiday to do so. This isn't to say we don't buy each other cards or flowers, but, for instance, tonight, our Valentine dinner is going to be pizza delivery and bottle of wine. Can't ask for better than that!

But back on the topic... the whole problem behind today's post and most days' posts is that it is all about what OTHER people think. Why does Leslie care so much? I know she isn't the only one, but this post seems to demonstrate how to create MORE problems for yourself and your "balance" out of something totally meaningless. The secret to stress free life is not caring what others think.

"the snow must have caused the computers to go whackya s well!"

Even the computers in DC freak out over snow! Too much! haha

Leslie, I just resent it and put Foamgnome on my subject line. Yes, I totally get what you are saying and DD does go to public school. But a good number of my friends from NY area say the same darn things. This year I gave out hard copy books of Angelina Ballerina that I bought on sale for a $1. A helium ballon, a treat sack of gold fish, fruit snacks and raisins, and a bag of pinata treats. Theme of the party was Angelina Ballerina. I thought I was way cool but one of the mothers opened up the bag and whispered, no stickers. Can you believe that? DD turned three. I think I got a thing of bubbles at parties when I was three.

Leslie,

Maybe your topic for tomorrow should be "no topic". That way no one could complain about your choice of topics!

Wait, they would complain that there is no topic, oh well!

Freida did have a Dove Dark Chocolate bar for me this a.m. And a card saying that the best thing about me was that I have her.

Younger son is now in 9th grade. No VD problems with his school. The grade school days were wonderful in so many ways but I am soooooo glad we are past those years. However, I do vote for Scooby Doo!

Valentine's Day is about expressing affection, not an(other) opportunity for mothers to feel like everybody's giving them the stink-eye. The lacquered doilies might be striking, but they're no trustworthy measure of good mothering, and getting bent out of shape over what the other mothers have done or feeling bad about what you haven't done misses the point of the holiday. Send those CVS valentines, one for everybody in the class and the teacher, too. Have something a little out of the ordinary for dinner--one year, I served an all-red meal (at least a conversation starter). And save the real creative energy for when you and your husband are finally alone. He'll appreciate that more than the kids will appreciate the time-intensive Valentine's merchandise. Love and affection are worth celebrating; competition and embarassment aren't. Happy V Day to all.

elementary public school here has healthy policy: very few parties. Valentine's have to be for everyone. Everyone has a named lunch size paper bag where everyone puts their cards. The paper bag can not be opened until they leave school. I would say 1/2 might have some very small goodie...like very small. Most are pre-packaged. There might be one or two handmade, but obviously made by the kid.

Of course, back in the day, that is what schools did anyways. No competitions anywhere.

This year I didn't send anything in. That is the glory of having boys in middle and high school. The girls may be knocking themselves out, but the boys certainly are not. Maybe the boys are being like the parents and the girls are competing with themselves?

I really don't know where you send your kids to school! Let me know so I don't make the same mistake please! I would NEVER want to associate with the types of people Leslie and foamgnome described.
Foamgnome- you had great goodie bags- why on Earth should someone want more than that? That's more than I would ever give!

My daughter's 3rd birthday- the parents were just grateful that i had a party in the first place!! Everyone is so warm and nice- we had a great time and they were surprised I gave a little present at all (I spent money on renting a place)

I wouldn't have had a party if all of the kids and parents were spoiled brats. I had a party so the parents could get to know each other beyond drop off/pick up and so the kids could see each other outside of school.

I can only pray I keep encountering nice parents such as these. No private school for my little one- that's for sure!

The secret to stress free life is not caring what others think.

OK, i will stop caring what my boss thinks of me!

i am pretty strong about not giving in to the madness. it helps that my son doesn't particularily like candy. he gives out 1 valentine for everybody in his class. last year he included 1 of the safety patrols who was the older brother of a girl in his class. my son really liked the girl & the older brother. my son gave the safety patrol his valentine in front of the other safety patrols so i was afraid that the safety patrol would feel it necessary to embarrass my son to save face in front of his peers but the safety was gracious about accepting my son's valentine.

i also refuse to buy a ton of candy or cheap plastic trinkets for a goodie bag for birthday parties. last year we gave each child a plastic cup with a bag of goldfish. one boy was kinda snarky about the cup but most of the kids were fine with that.
if that kid & other parents think i'm cheap well, i guess i am. i'm not going to buy cheap plastic crapola (which can add up pretty fast) and will only get tossed later by the parents.

The secret to stress free life is not caring what others think.

Can't wait until she has kids.

I have to admit that Leslie's and Foamgnome's experiences seem out there. But I wouldn't blame it on private school per se. 3 out of our 4 went to private school at some point. We didn't have those experiences either. But then JJJ was on to something when she spoke of not caring what other people say. We might not have had those experiences because we tend not to associate with 'those kind of people'. Self-selecting maybe? But definitely, if I heard someone say something they wouldn't be on the top of my friendship list.

My motto is "moxiemom, keeping the bar low for everyone".

moxiemom, LOL!

Guilty as charged. I made individual heart cookies for my preschoolers class with each kids name on them. Why? Because I love to make them--because to me handmade gifts like that are sweet, thoughtful, silly expressions of--happiness. Call me crazy but I also wove paper heart baskets to put them in. I enjoyed doing it and I hope the small tokens bring a smile to my daughter's friends and their families. It is a crazy often scary world and having an excuse to have fun, be silly, and express caring is not a horrible thing.

And while I'm on the soapbox, JJJ--Valentine's Day is a real tradition, one that can be traced back to at least the 14th century. On that day, the birds were supposed to meet in their parliament and choose their mates. Nothing about Angelina Ballerina stickers, though. And I do agree with your point about letting go of what other people might be thinking and doing what seems right for you and yours.

" $75 for goodie bags for the day care and my kid doesn't even medal."

foamgnome, are you serious? I can't believe what I'm reading today - all this insanity for preschoolers? Augh! My son's daycare class is having a party this afternoon and had a signup for volunteers, but since he's only there in the morning we won't participate.

Moxiemom, your motto rules! That will totally be me when we get to the point where there are expectations of this sort.

By the way, the high here is supposed to be a whopping 16 degrees today - brrrr.

I just adopted moxiemom's motto.

still in denial over last night.

Single gender school - not a valentine in sight.

Where do you guys live that you can bake stuff for school? I have never been in a school where people can bake stuff?

Another interesting twist on modern parenting and holidays: a previous poster mentioned that they enjoy baking. Me, too. We had a sign up sheet for food at our day care--incidentally, it requested carrot sticks and fruit in addition to cupcakes and cookies, which pleased me--but, all of the sweet goodies were to be store-bought so that staff could check ingredients for the kids with food allergies. I have to admit I was relieved that I wasn't compelled to bake cookies last night. (Even though I enjoy baking, the only thing I'm enjoying in Week 36 of pregnancy 3 is lying on the couch like a slug!) Addressed the Cars and Hello Kitty cards--each and every one to "My Friend" because the teachers find it easier to distribute cards if they're not specific--over my bagel this morning. Glad our teachers are realistic.

I don't know how out there our experiences are. DD is only 3 and pretty much only know kids from day care and preschool. Only 5 kids at preschool. But my friends from the north east tell worse stories. Before you laugh at DC area, my friend in NY spent $3K on her 6 year olds birthday party. I am not kidding. She said she had $45 goodie bags for each kid. Still kind of annoyed, she didn't put a $45 goodie bag in the mail for me. Just kidding. I nearly died and to top off the madness, same friend frets about her high cc debt and little college fund for DD. I think the upper middle class has gone wild. Too much Beverly Hills 90210 in their youth.

Single gender school - not a valentine in sight.

Megan, I am serious. We were the only parents that did not send any goodie bags to day care when DD turned one. We were new parents and never heard of goodie bags being sent to school or day cares. After about the 10 th goodie bag that DD came home with, DH insisted DD would not be some kind of freak show. So I have thus sent in goodie bags for the last two years. I generally like to put in a sheet of stickers, a blow out, bubbles, gold fish crakers and for our big item I put in charity bands. For 16 kids that is less than $5 a bag. DD's second birthday was themed Little People. So I also included a small LP figure in each bag. Big mistake. I must have had to buy 3 or 4 sets, just to get 16 figurines. But the charity bands usually run me around $35-40 for the 16 kids with shipping. But at least the money is used to help people. The other popular goodie bag items (from other parents) are CDs, DVDs, full packets of stickers (we cheat and break up the package), hard cover books, and get this--DD got a Disney princess costume at one of the parties. Theme was obviously the Princesses. I thought that it was supposed to be just borrowed. So I sent the costume back the next day with a thank you note. Ran into the mom and she told me it was meant to be kept. It was in place of the goodie bag. I don't know where she got them. But I even bought DD a cheap one on clearance at TJMaxx and it was at least $10. I had no idea what she did for the boys. Next years theme is Madeline. So I am in the hunt for Madeline themed cheap items. I really lucked out with AB and those close out sale of a $1/book.

Peanut, it is not the ones who have the time to do it themselves, or enjoy doing it, it is the ones who spend small fortunes on a hallmark holiday for the sake of showing off. I think what you did was sweet. When I was in school the homemade treats and stuff were great, and not everyone brought them in, but as kids, we did not care too much because to us it was not a big deal so long as everyone got something and a big deal was not made over it. The annoying ones were the kids who went in with the snotzy attitude they got from their parents as they passed out their fancy gifts to their favorites.

My favorite part of V-day has always been the sweethearts with trite little sayings on them. mmmm sugar.

Great FG -- will look for your Guest Blog. Love "The Goody Bag Olympics"!

Product of a Working Mother 9:33 am post - great, great idea to try to turn Valentine's Day into a "let's help others" holiday. So much of this nuttiness comes when we focus inward too much.

Peanut -- nice to hear your nutty perspective. I will try to remember your totally understandable, respect-worthy motives next time I see some Martha Stewart worthy goodies at my daughter's preschool. It would be really funny if you attached a little tag to each basket that read: I'm really not trying to make other moms feel inadequate, I just love baking and arts and crafts! I bet everyone would feel better. A lot of this stuff is just misinterpreting other people's motives, because when I really think about it, it's obvious no one is TRYING to make other moms feel terrible. They're just expressing themselves and trying to feel good about themselves.

Nice to see you niner!

Leslie

Didn't even bother reading the previous posts because I just have a quick comment.

The kids don't care what the Valentine is just so long as there is candy involved. They could care less, it is the moms that give a hoot. We use our kids and various functions (valentines day, B-days, fundraisers) to show the world that we are DEEPLY involved in our children's lives. We also judge each other by the amount of effort each puts into their child's endeavors. We stopped caring about the other parents and really focus on our son and what the experience means to him.

NC Lawyer - thanks. Its all in how you look at it.

In being a subpar housekeeper I am actually a BETTER mother because I am stimulating my kids immune system.

By carrying an extra 15 lbs. I am actually a BETTER mother because in the event of a disaster or famine my children will have a mother while the children of the skinny minis will be orphaned!

After going all out for Halloween school treats (pumpkin-themed treat bags with a black spider tick tack toe game, halloween themed Go Fish game, and a Halloween pencil), I realized my kids were just as happy with their mini-Milky Way bars. So, I give up on spending the extra money and time. Valentines day cards were from CVS - a mini-box of Nerds stuck in the middle of a card (basically a Nerds advertisement). My kids are just as happy passing these out as the all-out Halloween treat bag...

NC Lawyer - thanks. Its all in how you look at it.

In being a subpar housekeeper I am actually a BETTER mother because I am stimulating my kids immune system.

By carrying an extra 15 lbs. I am actually a BETTER mother because in the event of a disaster or famine my children will have a mother while the children of the skinny minis will be orphaned!

Fred, if your kid is going into HS, I would worry about a VD problem. LOL.

$45 on goodie bags? OMG! maybe you could suggest a valentines goody bag for the homeless or something if people are throwing that money into junk just to be trendy. At least it would do some good.

Nice to see you niner!

After going all out for Halloween school treats (pumpkin-themed treat bags with a black spider tick tack toe game, halloween themed Go Fish game, and a Halloween pencil), I realized my kids were just as happy with their mini-Milky Way bars. So, I give up on spending the extra money and time. Valentines day cards were from CVS - a mini-box of Nerds stuck in the middle of a card (basically a Nerds advertisement). My kids are just as happy passing these out as the all-out Halloween treat bag...

Foamgnome: what is a charity band? I am picturing the live strong bracelets...

This is the first year that we've ever done anything than a card. We always make the cards, but nothing fancy - usually colored paper and/or something printed from the computer, sometimes something a little more crafty. The children like to print each of their classmates' names and their own on the card, and that's what's important - making or giving something for/to another person. I don't understand the necessity for people to give individualized boxes of candy to each of their classmates when they're having a party with a ton of treats.

However....this year we did make something different - fudge from Family Fun magazine - little one inch squares of fudge with a "conversation heart" pressed into the top and wrapped in cellophane. We made little tags on the computer and my first grader wrote her friends' names and her own on the tags. Her class is decorating cookies in class but that's all - they're not having a party where there are 8 million treats available for consumption.

I'm sure I'll be branded one of those uber mommies but I don't care. ;o) My kids and I just think it's fun. My 4 year old handed them out at his art class yesterday and he was just thrilled to be able to give all of the other children something, even though he was the only one who did it. I think it's an opportunity to teach children the joy of giving.

foamgnome's comments are really an eye-opener. The high cost of living in DC is always blamed on housing costs which truly are high. However, when people get into this amount of spending for things that are not necessary at all and are downright excessive, it boggles my mind. I'm not saying that you should never have celebrations and/or small gifts or goodie bags, but why does it start so early?

I remembered Valentine's Day last night after the kids had gone to bed. So I dug out a box of leftover cards from last year (phew!). Then I realized the cards were actually little treat baggies (dang!). But we happened to have plenty of leftover Halloween candy (phew!).

It felt ridiculous. But I know my daughter (4) will enjoy the ritual of putting one in every friend's cubby. And then their parents will take the candy, put it on the top shelf in their houses, and maybe we'll get it back on Halloween.

I just read that a lot of this money is spent on preschool! How many people remember a lot of things from preschool or kindergarten? I only remember having a homemade costume and winning a contest on halloween, or working with my mom to make a button vest. The rest is a blur and I can not for the life of me remember who brought in cupcakes. I seriously doubt most kids are going to care or remember how much their mom spent on Valentines Day. Maybe if you bought them a book and read with them, or taught them something special, it would hold more meaning.

I think the "goodie bag olympics" mentality is something that starts well before children. I'm thinking of weddings and showers in particular. I swear the events get more extravagent every year - especially the party favors! Last baby shower I went to probably had gift favor bags worth about $50/person!! It is craziness.

Oh, and my 12 year old made cards on the computer for all of her friends. She used graphics that were special to them (i.e. a trumpet player for her trumpet playing friend) and was creative with the message. She had a ball doing it. Once again - the point is to do something nice for someone else.

My motto is "moxiemom, keeping the bar low for everyone".

moxiemom, LOL!

Charity bands are little plastic bracelets that raise money for charity. They usually cost some where around 1-$3/ each plus shipping. DDs second birthday we bought the I CAN bands that raised money for Girls Inc. This year we bought the pink bands for breast cancer research. A friend had breast cancer in 2006, so it made sense. Next year, I will buy for MS because colleague has MS. The kids like them because they are like bracelets and funny enough boys and girls wear them. It raises money for charity. So my motto is if you MUST send plastic junk, at least raise $$ for charity while doing it. I also include the phamplet that tells the parents what charity it supports. It also raises awareness. I think it shows that DD comes from a family who cares about certain charities while fulfilling her goody bag olympic requirement. But that is just my take on it. I have never heard a parent or child complain about them.

Do you parents remember the things your own parents did that made growing up special? Tap into the simple pleasures and stop trying to make everything into a huge competition about who's the better parent.

Any natives remember the Veteran's Day snowstorm of 1987, when a foot fell but Fairfax County schools vascilated back and forth between delaying and closing? Anyway, the federal government must have closed that day because my Dad, who worked at the Pentagon, got to stay home. I remember him standing in the kitchen, unshaven and in his pyjamas, making hot chocolate for me, and the surprise and happiness of his unexpected presence in the kitchen at 8:30 is a memory I treasure to this day. We trudged to the bus stop and I spent a few pointless hours at school before the system caved in and got us home. I arrived at my house to find a huge snow fort constructed with huge shovel-blocks of the deep snow, with a sheet of ice for a window. Dad spent much of the remaining daylight hours engaged in snowball fights with me and the other neighborhood kids, and I played in the fort for what felt like the whole winter, even though it probably really melted a week later.

While I was growing up, my Dad was a tremendously busy man who often worked 14 hour days. He was given one of those ancient brick cell phones to stay in touch with the officer on duty during the weekends. He didn't pretend that he would have time in his life to do all sorts of regularly extraordinary things (and I guess since my Mom was able to work from home until I was a teenager they didn't have all of the same balance issues discussed in this blog) but he helped me with my homework, chose his vacation time carefully and spent quality time with me and Mom, and we'd do things on the weekends. I was always his buddy fixing stuff in the shop, working on my school projects, or outside planting azaleas.

These are the things I remember -- these are the things that mattered.

Of course, I suppose overachievement is inevitable for anyone: when the "map of Virginia" project came up, most of my classmates made sheetcakes or some dubious-looking triangle out of paper mache. My Dad, on the other hand, bought some fine mesh wire, plaster of Paris, heavy duty tacks, and modeling greenery, and "helped" me create a topographic model of Old Dominion before mounting it onto a hand-stained framed wooden platform. I was allowed to make labels for some of the major cities on his typewriter, but I don't think he even let me stick them on myself. Mom and I laugh about it to this day -- that's the best reaction to those occasional abberations! He was certainly no Homer Simpson (who makes Lisa's "Florida" costume out of an old mattress and some duct tape).

Just say NO!

I bought Mickey Mouse valentines at the Dollar Store and my son and I filled them out and used double-sided tape to stick small packets of M&Ms to the cards. I'm sure he'll be getting some beautiful handmade valentines from some of his classmates, but I think it's overkill. He's four. He doesn't need a monogrammed, gilt-edged card that some poor child was made to slave over by an overachieving mother. The kids never care about anything but the candy.

For his birthday, we brought in an ice cream cake and special cups and plates. No gift bags. Those are for parties you throw outside of school, in my opinion. I just don't want to raise my children thinking they need all this crap.

Gosh, I never did anything for Valentine's. Is that because I had boys?

Valentine's is no different from Halloween or birthday parties. It's the parents who escalate things.

IMO the best birthday party we ever had was the one where we had a pirate ship theme. I made the cake like a ship and it had a big paper sail.

Somehow the paper got a bit buttery from the icing, and the candles were too close to the sail and the whole thing burst into flames!

You've never seen such looks on the faces of 8 year-old boys. It made the whole disaster worth it. The cake couldn't be eaten, we just had ice cream but nobody complained.

I think if you and your kids make the valentines or bake the cookies then whatever you do is fine. But once it degenerates into the parents staying up at night preparing the cards or doing the baking then it's no good.

" think the "goodie bag olympics" mentality is something that starts well before children. I'm thinking of weddings and showers in particular. I swear the events get more extravagent every year - especially the party favors! Last baby shower I went to probably had gift favor bags worth about $50/person!! It is craziness."

Wow, I have never heard of gift favor bags for guests at showers other than mints wrapped up and tied with a ribbon. I have received wedding favors, but nothing extravagant there, just things like candles.

Granted, my friends are mostly beyond wedding and baby stages, so I haven't attended anything for a few years. Still, is this a DC thing or upper middle class thing or is it widespread?

"Fred, if your kid is going into HS, I would worry about a VD problem. LOL"

Ha! Ha! Ha!

I guess we should discuss what some people think BF means, other than breastfeeding!

Moxiemom, LOL, you are making my day!

Reading Peanut's and Momof4's posts made me think about how we respond to things like this with our children. I'm picturing myself in a few years, when my son comes home with the super-spectacular gifts, and wondering whether I'll indulge my inadequacy complex by being disparaging or if I'll be able to say, "Wow, that's so nice of Ms. Peanut, she must have really enjoyed doing something like this for all of you." It seems like the way we react is as much an opportunity to model the behavior we'd like to see as the decision about what to make for the holiday ourselves. Ah, the never-ending opportunities of parenthood ;)

NC Lawyer - thanks. Its all in how you look at it.

In being a subpar housekeeper I am actually a BETTER mother because I am stimulating my kids immune system.

By carrying an extra 15 lbs. I am actually a BETTER mother because in the event of a disaster or famine my children will have a mother while the children of the skinny minis will be orphaned!

foamgnome - awesome idea! I plan to steal it next year!

I agree with mddad -- maybe some people just like to bake (with or without their children). I have a friend just like that. And I never feel the need to compete with her -- I just enjoy the delicious treats that come my way. That is HER way of doing things. Mine is different and I've never heard her complain that I don't bake enough.

Mine are different gifts.

NC Lawyer - thanks. Its all in how you look at it.

In being a subpar housekeeper I am actually a BETTER mother because I am stimulating my kids immune system.

By carrying an extra 15 lbs. I am actually a BETTER mother because in the event of a disaster or famine my children will have a mother while the children of the skinny minis will be orphaned!

foamgnome - awesome idea! I plan to steal it next year!

I am blessedly free of complications this Valentines Day, feeling a bit like Henry Higgins... I will never let a woman in my life.

xyz: I think the party favors at showers are pretty common in DC and other areas. Also at weddings, it seems very customery. I don't think I ever threw a shower for someone, so I was never in charge of favors. I think SIL and best friend supplied favors for my wedding and baby showers. I thought they were not that extravagant. Time consuming but not expensive. The funny thing is, I think no one really CARES about the favors at those events. That is another stupid custom that forces people to waste $$.

there has been a gift bag rebellion of sorts around here. Lots of people give one small, useful item, between $1 and $3, like a small craft kit or puzzle book, play dough or bubbles. Put it in a pretty bag and it looks festive. these things actually get used.

room moms here have been asking for veggies and dip, fruit, and chips and dip for elementary school parties. I helped at one party. The kids ate all the healthy stuff!

moxiemom,
I agree about the 15 lbs. I know a woman who got a blood infection and dropped 30 lbs in days. If she had been real skinny who knows?

About the housekeeping, when I fret over my subpar housekeeping I remind myself that Beethoven was reknowned for being an extreme slob.

My motto is "moxiemom, keeping the bar low for everyone".

moxiemom, LOL!

Posted by: NC lawyer | February 14, 2007 10:35 AM

HA! I love it! No one can even crawl under my bar...........

If you need a day carved out to tell anyone that you love them, you need more help than the bloodsuckers at Hallmark can give you.

Still, I have to wonder why the kids have to be sucked in to what is deemed a romantic day?

Oh, that's right. Because if we leave out the kids, they'll be damaged for life.

Well, guess there won't be much choice today with the sprogs being home! Aw, you might not be able to go and make that brother or sister after all.

My heart weeps for you.

"moxiemom, keeping the bar low for everyone":

Yesterday, Jennifer was my hero, for raising a son who appreciates how hard she works at the important things in their lives.

Today moxiemom is my Valentine, for reminding us of the importance of eliminating needless stress from our lives while adding more smiles!

Thanks, moxiemom :-)))

Nothin'. Absolutely nothin'.

I don't have kids but I have a husband, and we both got each other nothin'. We'll probably go out to dinner on Friday...but we usually do that anyway, we'll just take the quality of the restaurant up a notch.

My husband feels some sort of vestigial guilt about this, as the girlfriend he had previous to meeting me apparently went ballistic when he just got her a dozen roses and took her out to a nice but not wallet-emptying dinner. Apparently she expected a piece (or perhaps two) of expensive jewelry, to be drowned in creative and thoughtful bouquets (which makes me laugh - 7 years together and my husband still can't remember I don't like red roses ;) ), and to be taken to dinner at a $100/head restaurant. Despite the fact they'd been dating for maybe two months at that point. (No wonder he broke up with her...)

I keep telling him that I just don't care about V-Day. It's manufactured and I think until I met him, boyfriends and V-Day never seemed to match up...unless you count hanging out with that standby duo of Ben & Jerry ;) And I prefer spontaneous romantic moments to moments created by external pressure. Sure, they're fewer, but they mean more.

I told him he should just be happy that while all his friends and colleagues are scrambling to find presents for their wives and girlfriends, he gets to sit back and merely observe....

Tip of the day:If you live in Fairfax and did not know or forgot to send it sugar junk to school, buy the discount candy tomorrow morning and send it on Thursday( for us it will be Monday)LOL.

Foamgnome -- love your Guest Blog. will try to run it next Tuesday.

Tip of the day:If you live in Fairfax and did not know or forgot to send it sugar junk to school, buy the discount candy tomorrow morning and send it on Thursday( for us it will be Monday)LOL.

Don't sweat it. I remember squat about the quality of Valentine's cards or treats from elementary school. I remember none of the designs of the shoeboxes with holes cut in the top to put cards in. No one in my class ever mentioned having favorite Valentine's traditions. If asked to list the 100 best things I remember about childhood, nothing about Valentine's goodies would make the list, assuming I even remembered to consider it.

Valentine's Day for your kids is like a high school valedictory speech: You can work hard on it if you want, but no one but you is going to much care about it.

moxiemom - LOL at your setting the bar low comment - but I'm also scratching my head at how giving all the kids in the class *money* is setting the bar low for cheapo parents like me! ;o)

I was diagnosed with diabetes when I was in early elementary school, so that was the end of celebrating special days at school with sugar treats for me. the other kids would stand around me and exaggerate how good the candy tasted and act like they were savoring every bite along with the taunt "Ha Ha a- Ha Ha, you can't have any". Needless to say, Halloween and Valentine's Day are not my favorite days of the year.

Now I'm married to a hopeless romantic, and I dislike caving into the marketeers that promote buying and giving material gifts as an act of love. I'm more into doing something that requires effort, like, rubbing her feet for an hour as she sips her favorite red wine and watches the Home and Garden channel...

Or do you think she would rather have me run up the credit card bill and order the roses?

Leslie, Can you run it on Feb 28 th instead? I am out of the office half a day next Tuesday. I am really curious to hear the reactions to the blog.

Sure -- Foamgnome will run Feb 28. It is GREAT.

Perfect snow day here so far. Kids watching their Valentine's Day movies. Husband coming home at 2 pm to take them sledding and then we are going to walk to the local movie theatre for more movies.

Yes!

I just adopted moxiemom's motto.

still in denial over last night.

Posted by: dotted | February 14, 2007 10:11 AM

dotted, I am as well. (I haven't told you that abc has been supplanted in my lexicon by "abvt", what with needless expansion and all.)

We've found that the trick to eliminating housekeeping-related anxiety is to adopt friends with the same low or lower standards. Then when they knock on the door, I don't immediately glance to the left and right and count those dustbunnies (Fred can't see them anyway) before greeting them.

oh, and about the ever-increasing-value of gift bags at weddings --it's a problem not limited to DC/NYC. We routinely see it in Winston-Salem and in the Triangle. Also, we attended a wedding in Knoxville last summer at which all guests had what I estimated to be $50 gift baskets waiting for us in our hotel rooms (guests paid for the rooms), the gifts for the bridal attendants were easily $40 - 50 a pop, and each of the nieces and nephews who had momentary roles, at best, in the wedding received gifts that cost $5 - 10 a piece (cd holders for the boys, and mini-pouch-handbags for the girls). The budget for this peripheral stuff probably represented 10% of the wedding budget. It's nuts.

Momof4 - I knew I couldn't compete with the fancy bags of stuff so I just thought it would be different and the kids might get kind of excited about seeing a new kind of money. Also we have very small classes so I'm only out about $15.

resistance in NOT futile! you can hold out against the insanity. I live in DC area and the first time I heard of goody bags was when I was planning my wedding. Nope, didn't do it. Kids birthday? we had a "group play date", no mention of birthday, thus no one felt the need to bring presents. The kids had a blast jumping on the bed and were pretty excited that they each got a ballon (35 cents x 4). We had cake later with grandma and grandpa and had more than enough presents from them than he could even open at once. True, I am sometimes seen as "unorthodox" but a) I don't care and b) most of the other parents seem relieved to declare detente once they get over the shock/amusement.

moxiemom - I think it was a great idea. It's just that here the bar is already lower (obviously) LOL because my kids have never brought home treat bags from individual kids on VD - the occasional box of sweethearts or a Hersheys kiss or a roll of lifesavers, yes, but not elaborate stuff. So a fifty cent piece would be a real haul!! ;o)

I've never been to a wedding where there *are* even gift bags, much less the gift baskets and elaborate bags that NC Lawyer describes. The most "elaborate" birthday parties any of my kids have ever been is at the indoor soccer park or gym where they had a soccer or cheerleading lesson and then cake afterwards. Loot bags are cheap plastic crap with a few pieces of candy. We're just backwards here. ;o)

Oh my God! I let my kids eat candy on Valentine's day. Horror. I even let them eat some when we were on vacation last year. Wait I think they had some last weekend. I gave my son a mint this morning at the bus stop because he still had milk breath after brushing his teeth. All the parents are judging me.

My daughter made five Valentines for her teacher. She wanted to. I had nothing to do with it except I do supply glue, crayons, paper and other craft items at our house. Maybe I should throw all of it out. Maybe I should have thrown out her Valentines and told her it was too much.

On second thought . . .

I'm with you momof4. My boys are still in preschool (2.5 and 5), but we always try to turn these holidays into fun family activities, not to mention the dreaded "teachable moments" ;-)

Last year DS#1 and I made valentines. We included a packet of radish seeds in each one with instructions for growing in doors. We wrote these instructions together, talking about how to plant and what happens at each stage.

This year, since DS#2 is also in school, we went the baking route. We made the cookies together. DS#1 found the right measuring cups and DS#2 filled them up it up, then they took turns dumping stuff in the mixer (way messy but lots of fun). We then had a blast decorating the cookies for each class (no Martha Stewart cookies here!).

I know this sounds like a lot of time, but really it's not. Grand total we spent 35 minutes after dinner one night making the dough and icing, 45 minutes the next night cutting and baking the cookies, and 30 minutes last night icing and decorating. I would have spent this time with them anyway, so why not on Valentine's Day? (FYI, for those who don't bake, you can buy all this stuff pre-made and just spend the 30 minutes icing and decorating, so there's no need to channel la Martha.)

One of the things that seems to come through in many of today's comments is that the parents are the ones doing all the crazy things - without any input or help from the kids. Perhaps that's why so many of us are feeling resentful and/or inadequate.

Finally, we are both Irish-American and Catholic, so St. Pat's is a big deal. We signed up for "international snack" on the 17th last year, brought in store bought soda bread and a children's book on how so many generations of Irish Americans have kept that heritage alive. This is something our school does at least every other week, with families bring in everything from chuppatis to empanadas. The kids love it, and so do most of the parents (and grandparents and various other relatives recruited to speak about their heritage).

Anyway, the point of all this is that you don't have to be uber-mom to be creative and involve your kids. It just takes a little thought.

Here endith the sermon.

momof4: I think the gift baskets at weddings are for out of town guests only. It is to thank them for coming so far and paying for a hotel and stuff. I gave super cheap ones at my wedding. I have gone to weddings where it is merely a gesture (like mine) or really nice. Some have elaborate snacks and wine. Sometimes they come with phamphlets about tourist attractions in the area. Just in case, your guests extend their stay to see the sites. DC is good for that one. I tell you a secret, I put Metro maps in all of mine. You know the kind you pick up at the station for FREE.

I had a total "bad mom" moment last night. As I'm walking my daughter up for bed, she says, "tomorrow, I'm going to bring in 21 cards and candies for all my classmates for Valentine's Day!" And I thought, oh, sh--, that's right. Looked outside at the sleet and snow and my ice-covered car, looked at my watch, which said 7:30, and realized my girl was SOL. She, of course, had it all planned out -- she was going to go back to her pumpkin (her Halloween pumpkin has turned into the candy repository) and pick out one thing for each kid. But we had no cards, no fresh candy, none of the brown paper bags she wanted to put it in and decorate (not to mention nothing to decorate with) -- nothing. And of course, being 5, she had absolutely no clue about the need to plan and shop for that stuff -- as far as she knows, all of the necessary items just magically appear when she needs them. So why wouldn't the paper bags and red paper be there for tomorrow?

So after bedtime, I went on-line and found a sheet of cards (8 per page) to download and print -- we're stuck with the crappy paper we have in the house, but at least it's something. Figured she could cut them out as her morning activity during the school delay. Luckily, school was cancelled, so I got a reprieve. But then again, I'm sure not heading out in this weather just to drop $20 on nicer stuff, so I'll still be bad mom. Oh well -- she might as well get used to it now, because it has precisely 0% chance of changing. :-)

One other annoyance: her class was supposed to have a V-Day party. But the sign-up sheet this time specified homemade treats only. Now, usually, I'm one of those moms who bakes -- horrible at decorating, but I enjoy the baking, and have discovered that sprinkles can hide a whole variety of sins. Plus I figure homemade is usually cheaper, and at least I know what's in it. But it really bugged me that all of a sudden, the school is specifying that things MUST be homemade. So as a result, I didn't sign up for anything -- last party, I had a work crisis and sick kid the night before, so it was Safeway or nothing. Without that fallback available, I didn't want to risk volunteering for anything and either possibly disappoint the kids or run myself ragged baking if something comes up. It's just weird, because it's the first time I've felt a little bit excluded as a WOHM there, since I can't guarantee that I'll have time to bake.

FYI, the mother didn't necessarily violate copyright law by burning CDs with her kids favorite love songs. It's not like she SOLD the CDs for profit! If she bought the music, isn't just like making a mixed tape?

Just stop and think for a moment and remember that there are many women who never married or had children at all, how must they feel on Valentine's Day? The most successful career can't fill that void. Get some perspec