Not to split hairs but the real sense of single parenting hits when you know that the other parent will not be coming back... a few days here and there are difficult, but you know that there will be an end. As a single parent, there is not this end date - it is your life.

As a single parent since my childs birth, I most enjoy being able to make the decisions on her upbringing myself. No arguments on if time outs or spanking are best, or when te best bedtime is. The tough part is that you are always on deck, and there is not the back up person needed when you need to work late/run errands or even make a tough decision and need advice.

It takes a lot of energy!

I can't believe that you would have the gall to write an article about being a "single parent" based on having your husband go out of town for a couple of days, much less that the Post would actually publish your whining drivel. Your 5 year old had to warm his own milk? (what 5 yr old drinks warm milk anyway?) You couldn't sleep late? Please get back to us when you have something to write about that actually contains some substance. When your husband doesn't come back from his trip because he can't stand living with such a pathetic whiner, you'll have a real life experience to talk about.

I think it would be very hard to single parent. I have a hard time when DH goes on a business trip. Especially because my daughter spends longer days at day care. I am going on a business trip this month. It will be the first time my husband will be single parenting. I am sure he will be able to handle it but I don't think he will like it. Best of luck to all the single parents out there. It has to be tough. I also think it must help to have at least a noncustodial parent in there life. Although divorce generally brings other problems, it also adds some child support, some visitation, and the other gender present in their child's life. I think it would be even harder having absolutely no one else to depend on while raising your child.

"When your husband doesn't come back from his trip because he can't stand living with such a pathetic whiner, you'll have a real life experience to talk about."

Evidence on why YOU are a single mom.

WOW. I fully agree with "he real sense of single parenting hits when you know that the other parent will not be coming back..."

Single parent-hood as reality is no joke. It has ups and downs like any situation, but it's the lack of a partner over time that makes for difficult moments. However, I have found a village of loving wonderful people who support my family and who make the difficult days much better.

In my experience, the financial strains - and the complexity of sound financial decisions versus quality family time - are the most challenging. The rest is just finding more patience, sleep, and personal time. It's all about logistics.

Wow, "a real single mom". I think the point of her article was that she doesn't have a clue what it is like to be a real single parent and that her brief experience only barely touched on what it must really be like. Lighten up. You sound really bitter about your life.

I'm a single mom of a 2.5 year old. The hardest thing is having the 100% responsibility and no break (except when I am working :') and he's at daycare). I'm definitely not a morning person - but since he is, I'm up around 6 am every day!!

Best thing is having ultimate responsibility for his upbringing.

Wow, "a real single mom" has succintly shown us the attitude she has that has driven people away from wanting to be with her. I fail to understand why she is attacking the author who for a few days had a glimmer of understanding and sympathy for someone in her situation. Take note author, some people (not everyone, but definately this person) with attitudes like "a real single mom" end up alone and suffering for a "real" good reason.

This blog entry is appalling. It's completely lacking in thought.
I'm a married mom raised by a single mom, and there is absolutely no comparison between the two. The economic advantages of a two-parent household are so much greater than a single-parent. Even if your husband is gone for 3 weeks, you still have his contribution to the rent that single moms don't have. How do they do it? They just do... because they have to.

There are people who talk about the "joys of single parenthood"? Really? I mean, I understand, based on what I've read, that making rules is a lot easier for single parents because you don't have another authority in the house. But you make it sound like someone said, "Well, after thinking it over for a while, I just decided that I wanted to raise a child alone without another parent." Uggh.

I was raised by a single mother who did a wonderful job with me. However, never for a moment would she act as though choosing single vs. two parents were a completely valid and equal choice. Single parenting sometimes happens, but, if all else is equal, having two parents is better for the long-term interests of the child.

I completely sympathize with my single mom friend, who is raising three daughters with varying amounts of support from their fathers. How she does all the things that have to be done every day without help I've got no idea, but she does it and I rarely hear her complain, even when it involves the soap operas that are their dads.

She makes sacrifices in her own life for them, is far more resourceful and determined than I could ever be, but at the same time is a caring, honest and personable woman who I truly enjoy knowing. She's got my total respect, admiration and support, and she knows if there's anything I can ever do for her all she has to do is ask.

I think the joys of being a parent are probably the same regardless of whether you share duties or not. I suppose there's something to be said for not having clashing parenting philosophies or the like, but I certainly don't think I know all the answers and sometimes another perspective would be nice.

The reality is that you're tired, constantly. You make a lot of sacrifices, in sleep, in recreational activities, in life choices in general. I've turned down promotions because of the time expectations involved, I've lost touch with friends because I can't be as carefree and easy with my time as I used to be, I'm pretty sure I have a whole lot more gray hairs on my head now. I'm astounded by people that "choose" to be single parents, because I don't think it's a route I ever would have gone on my own.

That said, for all the things that make it rough, the nights I would kill to have someone to hand my son over to just for five minutes, for a walk around the block, he is the best thing to ever have happened to me. He's taught me about love, and responsibility, and true selflessness and nothing I've had to sacrifice to make our lives work holds a candle to any of that.

I don't think this article was supposed to be a "joke" or disrespectful to single parents, it asked what the difficulties people experience. My friends and I talk about how easy it is for us (mothers) to get the kids homework done, activities, fed, bathed and in bed without the dads - and here is the kicker - for a couple days. Yes, it can be nice to run things your way for awhile but that does not mean I want to be a single parent all the time.

My husband works evening so I do it all approximately 4 nights a week - but I know he will be back. The nights he works are usually easier to get the kids in bed by 8-8:30, if he is home they need to spend time with him.

I have total respect for single parents but I hope this blog doesn't turn into a pissing contest about "who has it worse."

Not all single parenting situations are the same. I am a single parent - I am divorced - no marital partner and only one parent in a physical house, but.. I have joint custody so I have nights off when the dd is at her father's, we share expenses, so though not as easy as when were only supporting one household, the full financial burden for my daughter is not mine. And amazingly because I am not present my ex can't claim ignorance or not feeling well (he does have a medical condition) or that he is doing something else (the time it takes him to do some chores was 10x a normal person, but I digress), or that I should because I am the better cook etc.; he has to take responsibility for doing some things for her and I sometimes think I actually have it easier as a single parent than I did when I was married to my-ex - DISCLAIMER -if he had been more of partner in the first place and hadn't made me feel at times like I was a single parent when we were still married I would feel different.

I am a single mom by choice. I adopted my daughter, and it is the best thing I have ever done. Is it hard at times? Sure. I don't get any of the built in mini-breaks that partnered parents get like going go the gym or the grocery store while my husband cares for my child. On the other hand, I tend to be much less stressed out and tired than my married mom friends. Maybe it is because I am not expecting anyone else to be sharing the load, and I am not pi$$ed off that a man left me or isn't giving me enough child support or whatever. I made this choice, knowing I would be doing it on my own. I was not surprised or unprepared to become a single mother. Iahve a married friend whose hsuband does barely anythign around the house or with her child. i don't have to waste precious emotional energy dealing with that kind of lack of support.

I also planned financially. I am fortunate enought to be able to work a reduced schedule, and I don't have to worry too much about money. I am not rich, I have just always stayed with in my menas and avoided debt.
I only have one child, and don't intend to have or adopt another unless i get married. Being outnumbered by my kids would make things a lot harder.

I agree fully with single western moms assessment of the situation.

As for the initial write up I just think it hit a nerve because it lacked a depth of understanding - comparing 4 days without the other parent to single parenting. I hope that she never learns the difference, because there is one.

I like the fact that I go get the run things on my own terms, and there is never a question/arguement of who should be doing the household chores/reading to the child/picking her up etc - it is me, and will always be me - I think that the energy around the arguement and resentment may take much more energy then just doing it yourself as a sigle parent would.

the single moms that I really tip my hat off to are the ones that do not receive financial support and have more than one child... wow, that must be tough. I have one kid, am well educated, and get child support - very lucky if you ask me.

First let me say, I chose life as a single parent thru adoption, with no husband ex or otherwise, no partner. Sorry, but I can only laugh at your experience. Try juggling a demanding professional position, kid therapy visits sometimes more than one per week!, tutoring and other kid activities [when you've saved up to pay for them] and sanity! Now add in a low paying profession, no nanny, au pair or college kid or grandma to help with driving and THEN tell me what it's like to be a single parent. Never getting to be sick, never having a vacation. Last weekend I camped with my daugher's scouts--[yes, unlike you I have "time" to be a leader since I don't have to consider my husband's needs] it was almost a vacation since my mother drove 3 1/2 hours each way to stay with my son! And this week, in desperation, I called a friend who called HER mom and she's taking my daughter to "summer" orchestra--all 4 days of it out her in the southern midwest. Did I mention my daughter had the choice of cello or bass since they are FREE? No private lessons--not at $20 or more an hour + $3.25 a gallon gas. My kids summer day care [don't freak they are 12 and 13) is a patchwork of friends, relatives, Vacation Bible School [free], Church Camp [$60 for Church members] and me calling every hour from work. Try that. Garage sales provide necessary clothing [Mudd brand capris for $1; American Eagle t-shirt $1]. Try driving a car manufactured in '93 with no AC. Why?--it's paid for. Try never even considering Starbucks. McDonalds [rare treat] means a $1 McChicken and a cup of water. We cook everything and shop very carefully. Convenience food is out. "Fun" is found in the Friday paper in the Free Events page.
We are very fortunate to live in a very inexpensive area near the 16th largest city in America. That lets us have a decent 3 bedroom home with a basement for less than $150,000. And, it lets us use decent public schools with sports and music programs. But emergencies have taken away all savings. The next emergency will be dealt with by skipping the house payment, having a garage sale, visiting the pawn shop or book resale shop, or hauling the kids along while I take a second job throwing pizzas.

One co-worker, raising her grandchildren alone, is my best support. My Church is the next help. My family lives too far away to be helpful and live in an area with little or no employment opportunities and lousy schools.

When I had bronchitis I was forced to be off work for two days to get well. This year, thanks to my son's therapy it's only JUNE and I have no sick days left.....

Here are things you do without as a single parents: make up, cable, fast food or any eating out, nice hair salons, any sort of spa, new clothes unless on Clearance, vacation, "me time," gym memberships [unless fully employer paid and then only if the kids are able to come or have a place to go]. I don't have a cell phone either since we live in a rural area and its useless at our home! Prepaids are the only cell option due to emergency expenses.

That, my dear friend, is being a single parent. You can relax now--hubby is there to earn more $$ and "divide and conquer" the kids and drive the other Suburban to Home Depot while you hit Costco and the salon......We'll wave as we head to the free public library for dvds and books and we'll miss you at the free College orchestra concert or the Church family night.

1) I am appalled that you let your 5-year old warm up milk in a microwave and go outside to the van to get something by himself. Do you not realize the danger you are allowing your child to be put in.

2) Just because your husband was out of town for a few days does not give you even a glimpse into what it is like to raise children as a single parent. The thought that you could write even a small article about said topic was just odd. Try raising your kids without your husband and his paycheck for a whole summer or let's say a year, and then maybe you'll get a glimpse. Next time, please write an article where you actually do some research, because honestly this attempt failed.

Are there people who consider single parenthood a "choice"?

What about women who are 35, 37, 39 and are still single, but have always wanted to have a child? Is there another choice I'm not aware of, other than single parenthood?

And what of widows with small children? You suddenly go from two incomes to one. From a house to a small condo. To wracking your brain to make ends meet when your salary barely covers the costs of daycare. All the while, grieving, or attempting to grieve the loss.

I agree with many of the other posters and it irritates me to watch my single parent friends struggle daily (financially, sleep-deprived, exhausted, alone) while wives claim to be "single parents" for a few days. I don't say that to be cruel, but to be honest, those wives have no idea what single parenthood involves. It involves long term sacrifices and short term sacrifices. Your choices are a lot more limited, often due to finances. It requires a lot less sleep, a lot more patience, and usually more anxiety.
And no, there is no partner coming to help in a few days so you can lie down and take a nap because you're so tired after being a "single parent" for three days.

As a single parent, I find appreciating the breaks I get from parenting like going to work, or taking a sick/vacation day while my child is in school and exercising (thank you, Tae Bo) helps.
I focus my wonderful daughter (who visits her father every other weekend), and making a great life for the both of us.

Dating can be a challenge, but dating is always a challenge.

pbjmom -- you sound so miserable. Why did you adopt and more than once? How was that allowed?? You must have painted a rosey picture to the social workers! I feel sorry for your children. I hope you don't potray the same attitude to them! It's bad enough they have to think their birth parents gave them up.

My ex moved back from Cali May 3rd. From last Aug 14th to May 3rd I was a single father. It was tough on both the kids and myself for the first month or two but we all adjusted really well. My daughters are 10 and 8.

The joys have already been listed: Hugs and love are all for you, nobody else to set rules, doing everything together, the sense of satisfaction to know I was sole provider, etc.

The problems can be some of the above. Being a sole provider can be stressful, not being able to go anywhere or do anything on your own can be tiresome at times, long days starting at 6:30am and not getting your own time until 9am at night, not having anybody to help with housework, etc.

All in all I love/loved being a single parent because I feel I might never have been truly able to get the special bond I now have with them. Yes, we had a bond before, but now it's stronger and more special than I could've possibly ever imagined.

When you have a child, you sign on for the long haul. There are no guarantees you will sleep all night until they are grown up. The responsibilities of parenting are 24 hrs every day. "Mommy time" is not something you should plan on. The child is your responsibility all the time. Also remember, babies grow into people who need things besides a dry bottom and full tummy.
It is not an endeavor to take on without looking at the possibility you probably will do most of it yourself. It may be 2007, but I am afraid we are not that
advanced that a lot of men take care of the kids for any length of time. (Of course there are exceptions).

I'm single parent and I'm not sleep deprived, bitter, angry, and I made the choice to be a single parent (I chose to leave a bad marriage). I left the marriage when my children were 5 and 3.
I guess because I was raised by a single mom and saw how hard she worked, but I also saw how to cope. I pay for private school, after school, dance classes, summer day camp and tutoring without help from her father, and I work as an administrative assistant. I made a lot of sacrifices but I would have it any other way.

I learned to reach out to friends, family and community groups. My children attended church camp because the hours were convenient and close to home and had taken free trips and were safe. I used the local college to find tutors (math and education majors are a great help). I used
The local Y as a spa/gym for their membership is cheaper than most gyms.

You can choose your attitude about your situation so you don't have to be angry or bitter. My children are teenagers (16 and 18). The oldest starts college in the fall at state university in town, because his tutors went there and both kids will be working at the church camp this summer as counselors.

To all single parents it can be done. You have to creative, determined and be willing to create your own standards base on your situation.

You people are amazing! The blog was a testament to what single parents have to endure and asking you how you do it. She complimented you and offered empathy for the tasks you have to accomplish. She was not trying to compare her husband gone for a few days to single parenthood.....
Get off her back!

Stacey

"Maybe this single parenting thing is good for building independent kids?"

Maybe you can stop your 5 year old's habit of thumb sucking whilst playing with his privates 24/7.

"but I can't imagine having to date on top of taking care of kids!"

I've seen your photo - future dating is unlikely for you.

Why does a 5 year old need his milk warmed?

Jake - kind of not very nice...

I agree on the warmed milk thing though... wondering hte same thing. Also, a very dangerous thing to do, especially with microwaving milk - a 'real' single mom would just have their child drink cold milk :)

Dating and meeting people are by far the most challenging part of single parenting though $15/hour for child care helps to make the decision on if they guy is worth it fairly easy.

"Just because your husband was out of town for a few days does not give you even a glimpse into what it is like to raise children as a single parent."

"And what of widows with small children?"

"I agree with many of the other posters and it irritates me to watch my single parent friends struggle daily (financially, sleep-deprived, exhausted, alone) while wives claim to be "single parents" for a few days. I don't say that to be cruel, but to be honest, those wives have no idea what single parenthood involves."

Agree with all these comments. My situation as a widowed single parent was not one of choice. Even five years after his death I miss my husband terribly. Not only do I not have a partner, my children do not have a father. There are many different types and situations of single parenting.

For those that are married, make sure there is adequate, erring toward "generous", life insurance in place. Money matters and your partner could be gone from one moment to the next. Fortunately, we had that. Hopefully for those who are divorced, you or your children are beneficiaries of your ex's life insurance.

And maybe everyone who has read this might be a more willing to reach out to their single parent friends and family. If your not sure how, I have lots of suggestions.

single mom

"$15/hour for child care helps to make the decision on if they guy is worth it fairly easy."

My dates alway offer to pay for the babysitters.

Jake: Thanks for your feedback. Please share your parenting experiences.

LuLu - interesting that your dates offer to pay - I have a hard time even getting dates. It is a giant leap of faith for a guy to look past a woman having a small child. Perhaps you are much cuter than I :)

PBJMom - WHY did you CHOOSE to adopt children?! Your ranting post is so very sad and bitter. Your kids pick up on the fact that you see them as this huge burden that makes your life so miserable. I am fighting tears thinking of what your kids' lives are like - and it has nothing to do with not having a lot of money. You can have a low paying job and not be Poor. Please try and find some support. There is often free counseling offered by local womens' centers. You sound way over the edge and living a life completely devoid of joy.

My husband left me for another woman after 10 years of marriage and 17 years together. We have a one-year old beautiful baby boy. It took us five years to have him and, a year after he arrived, my husband decides to leave. I work full time and I am so scared and worried about my future life as a single mom to a boy. How can I teach him how to be a man? How can I teach him about sports and things that his dad should be teaching him? Any insight would be appreciated. I'm worried sick at this point!

When I saw the title of today's topic I have to admit I thought it was a guest piece written by someone else. Even when my husband was in Japan for three weeks I didn't think of myself as a single mom.

My mother was a single mom for a lot of my childhood. My father was diagnosed with a terminal illness when I was 5 and my brother was 18months old. She did everything that needed to be done, housework, cooking, lawn care and then worked outside the home too. She also took care of my dad the whole 5 years he was sick in our home, up at night, changing his bedding, giving him medications and any thing else he might need. She was truly amazing and inspiring. After his death she was single for three years and then remarried. Some things got better but somethings were worse.

I never minded the hand-me-down garage sale clothes or the things the church and our family did for us. I never thought about what was missing, it was our life and we were all doing the best we could. I consider myself to be strong and very independent because of the lessons I learned in childhood. My family was a team and I worked with my mom and even shared my bedroom with her when my dad needed a hospital bed.

So kudo's to all single parents! You are fantastic and doing your very best. Your kids will some day realize how magnificent you truly are. For mother's day I gave my mom a card that said thanks for being a great mom, and dad and for all your guidance and support. She just cried. Now that I am a mother I can see her life with awe, she never complained, went without lots of things so her kids could have advantages and moved forward everyday. I am very proud of her!

Will your ex be seeing his son? Encourage that as much as possible. If not, do you have brothers? There are also activitis liike Boy Scouts that will help.

And, he needs to know how to be a man, but he doesn't need to know about sports! If he is interested, he will pursue those things, and if he isn't, that's ok. Not all men are the same.

Good luck.

I've been a single mom with no child support and full legal and physical custody for over 10 years. Their father has rarely visited them, and makes very little contact. It was a divorce, not an out of wedlock pregnancy, for those who care about that sort of thing.

I guess you could say I've been through all the stages. Feeling the victim and mad at the world for being educated yet essentially impoverished financially, to feeling, hey, get over it, make lemonade...and then doing so!

I _do_ like not having to balance an emotional adult relationship as well as the conflicts that might arise over parenting styles, yet I have to say of the few marriages I witness that seem to be truly loving partnerships, I admire them, and there's a piece of me that would like that too. But babysitting fees are not in the budget and dating seems like something foreign at best, so I trundle on, working at loving myself so that if ever that time comes, I'm more ready.

What I like least is what I call the "gallon of milk syndrome." All across these years if there was ever an errand that needed to be run, whether to the post office or for some tylenol, or most symbolically, the gallon of milk, there is no one else to pick it up after work on their way home. No one but me and both kids piling into the car to go out all together once again on another errand.

Then of course you hear all the negative statistics: kids of single parents are more likely to get into drugs, premature sex, crime, lower education, yadda, yadda, yadda. Thanks feds, for that uplifting news. Not mine though. I actually think a heckuva lot of we single parents have a tighter leash on our kids and expect only the best for them, just as marrieds do.

I will say the independent kid thing is a bonus, though. My kids have to learn to do their part to take care of the house and their role in the family unit. There is no one to take up the slack, and I simply can't be mom, dad, breadwinner, maid, educator, chauffer, coach, lawn maintenance crew and more all alone, all the time. Starting in the fall, both girls will then be required to make dinner once a week, too.

I really think there ought to be more efforts in churches, schools and communities to help single parents out, though, because we are fragmented off more often than not from the wider family and community unity thing, and when we're sick, or just tired, rarely does anyone think to bring that super-parent a vat of soup or a lasagne or come by to mow the lawn or something--those things that come more naturally for the more connected among us. So if you're not one, go ahead, reach out to a single parent, I'm sure you couldn't find a more needy and grateful recipient.

The premise of this article is horrific- that being a single parent for four days (presumably with a spouse one can call every night) relates to being a single parent. The single parent I'm closest to is a mountain of issues and indecision because she doesn't have a spouse to rely on at 5am when her son is sick and she has a meeting at 8am.

I don't feel the isolation that some single parents seem to feel. I am a very social person, as is my daughter, and we have a wide circle of friends who offer us help and support. In fact, i probably get many more offers of help and babysitting than my married friends do because I am single. My church is very helpful and supportive too. I like to say tha while I am a single parent, i am not parenting completely alone. I have lots of loving support and help.

Because I am single and my child is an only child (plus I have no parents alive), I think I owe it to her to build a community around her. I also think it is important that she have male role models. I think it is just as important for girls as it is for boys, just for different reasons. Heck, maybe part of the reason I am single is that I didn't get a good example of a strong, supportive and good father growing up (he was there, he just wasn't a good example).

I do sometimes wonder if I would have as much support if I had gotten pregnant by accident and wasn't financially well-off. I think people can be really judgemental if they don't approve of your lifestyle or blame you for your situation. I think that adopting and being able to support us in a nice house, etc may influence how people treat me.

To New Single Mother: I've been a single mother intermittently and I can offer a few words of comfort:
--one year old is a very difficult time to be alone with a child - they really are consumed with exploring the world and you feel more like a security guard than a mother. It WILL get better. they get to be very good company once they learn to talk - and understand that you are a separate human being. And you get progressively more time to yourself.
--Don't think you need to persuade your child of everything. "Because I said so" is actually all children need or want in many siuations. Someone has to make the call and you're better qualified to do.
it. It cuts down on tension for both of you. And don't be afraid to change your mind occasionally.
--Don't feel guilty when he clings and cries. They all do that. It's not a reflection on your single motherhood.
--Remember it's a partnership. As someone else pointed out, children have their own highly defined tastes and personalities. You can't make him what he doesn't want to be. He doesn't need a perfect mother, just one who loves him and pays attention to who he is, not who the books and articles say he should be.
--Have faith in yourself. Best of luck.

I got unexpectantly pregnant out of wedlock, and have a lot of support from friends and my family. I do not share this detail with everyone, but I surround myself with fairly liberal and open minded people and have not experienced any issues due to the nature of my child's creation - though reading blogs,etc - there is a LOT out there.

I could never have survived without my friends and family! Having a strong network is essential to survival...

My children were 5 and 8 when my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly 10 years ago. Shortly after he died, one of his friends told me that he believed that the term, "single parent" is a misnomer; we are actually "double parents", having to be both the mother and the father. Ten years later, I find this statement to be validating of all that I do.

Of course it is hard for a married parent to all of a sudden have to do it all without support for a few days. If you had to do it over the long haul, you would adjust.

How do I do it? By the seat of my pants. My standards may not be up to yours. My house is a mess, cereal can be eaten for dinner (only on rare occasion, it appalls my mom). Right after I adopted my first, I knew I was going to want to adopt at least one more. So I quit my delightful, but somewhat stressful job in the midwest and moved back near my family. Now I have a great job as a teacher. I make less, pay more for a smaller house, but work 10 months of the year, have a schedule that approximates that of my children, and we live about 15 minutes away from my parents. So yesterday, when I wasn't feeling well while at a meeting that was near my parents' house, I left the meeting, went to their house to call the doctor (no cell phone, it is too expensive). When I was thinking that I should leave right away so that there would be time to make dinner, my mother invited us to stay for dinner and volunteered my dad to pick the girls up from afterschool care.

When I still lived far away, once my car broke down at the pharmacy (actually, in the drivethrough lane, as my daughter fell asleep on the way over from the doctor's office). A single friend picked us up and took us home, and a single mother friend came and picked us up the next morning to take my daughter and I to a rental car place. Those are things that many people would rely on a spouse for, but we just have to find other options.

I have learned to shop when they are in after school care as much as possible. I make the most of any free time I have, and for recreation, I read (a largely free pastime). I enjoy going to church for many reasons, and frankly, having time with adult friends is a major part of what I savor about Sunday mornings.

And for those who think some of the single moms posting today are negative, sometimes that is all you can see. Like some of the others on this board, I made a conscious decision to become a single parent. I knew going into it that it would be hard. I never anticipated the hardest part--that no one but me would be able to share in the joys of parenting these delightful girls. When they say and do funny things, who can I share it with? My colleagues' kids all say funny things also.

It can also be hard making some of the decisions, but I agree with an earlier poster that one thing that is easier for single parents is that once you know what you want to do (whether it is bedtime or surgery), you can do it without having to convince another person. It's just that sometimes it would be handy to have another opinion to consider.

So overall, based on my observations of mothers with and without partners, I don't think either set necessarily has it easier or harder. It is just different.

I completely agree that we are fragmented as single parents (I've been one for 15 years, following a divorce).

I have a suggestion that might help in a small way - I got together with two single mom friends in my town and we created what I call a "dinner co-op." Twice a week during the school year, we take turns making a meal for all three of us and our kids. We each have one child.

When it's my turn to cook, for example, I pack up the dinners and the others pick them up. While we have dinner together once in a while, the idea is to pick up a home-cooked meal and go home and deal with homework and housework, etc.

This has really been helpful, because two nights a week we don't have to think about what to cook and you get to commiserate with your friends, for however brief a time.I highly recommend this.

To New Single Mom:

1) You will be okay. Though I don't know you, you and your son will be fine. So stop worrying, and do the best you can with what you have. Married or single, everyone does.

2) You can't teach your son to be a man, but you can teach him to be a human being. Things like honesty, integrity, independence, and respect for your self and other are specific to one gender. A bratty kid can be raised in a two family household as well as in a single parent household.

3) Don't list to the so-called experts telling that children in single parent homes end up in (fill in the blank). This is just an excuse to justify not spending money on education, family leave, and health care. Remember, government will always look for way not to spend money even if it means blaming you.

4) Information is your best friend. Visit libraries; talk with people (co-workers, neighbors, fellow commuters, etc). You'll be surprised the advice and tips you will gather.

5) Take 1 hour each day for you. Remember, if mommy not happy, no one is happy.

6) Find a community church: Find a church that is open to everyone; a church that have single people, families, elderly, and teenagers. A church you and your son can grow with.

7) Don't worry about the sports thing. Most guys only know the rules of any sport from watching ESPN.

8) Don't be bitter or angry. No one likes a bitter person.

9) You are not first single parent and you will not be the last. Keep your perspective.

10) You are not alone.

This is an interesting blog today. In 2 weeks, I will "retire" from being a single parent -- more than 4 years after my divorce, I am getting re-married. I am lucky to have found a terrific man who loves me and my children.
Just as becoming a single mom was an adjustment, so too will this be an adjustment, as our little trio will become what appears to the outside world to be a "normal" suburban family (I use that term cautiously).
There are ups and downs in single parenting, just as there are in shared parentingm, though the former is surely more of a challenge. Most of us could do it if we had to.

You couldn't sleep late? Please get back to us when you have something to write about that actually contains some substance. When your husband doesn't come back from his trip because he can't stand living with such a pathetic whiner, you'll have a real life experience to talk about.

Posted by: A real single mom | June 5, 2007 07:14 AM

Yeesh. I hope there is no confusion in your mind about why you are single.

I would urge The Post to incorporate a regular column for/by single parents. We have "On Parenting" and "On Balance" where most of the time single parent issues and experiences are in the minority. Post editors and executives, WAKE UP! This isn't scientific but I think the DC metro area may have a higher concentration of single parents than most places in the country. Please give your readers what they want.

You can relax now--hubby is there to earn more $$ and "divide and conquer" the kids and drive the other Suburban to Home Depot while you hit Costco and the salon......We'll wave as we head to the free public library for dvds and books and we'll miss you at the free College orchestra concert or the Church family night.

Posted by: pbjmom | June 5, 2007 09:14 AM

pbjmom, I am sorry you are such a bitter, judgmental woman. The fact that some of us are married doesn't mean we have financial resources and it doesn't mean that we are conspicuous consumers, any more than the fact that you are single means you are an unhappy, miserable wretch. I will be at the free public library, the free college orchestra concert and the church family night as well. I will also be at the soup kitchen and the shelter because, even though we don't have much financially, we have more than some others have. We are likely to be socializing though, with adults who are comfortable with their lives, their choices, and their lack of control over everything. They may be single or married, childless or parents of 6. We won't be socializing with someone who has no higher goal than looking for targets to hate.

"Yeesh. I hope there is no confusion in your mind about why you are single"

She might be a widow.

Single-parenting while my DW is out of town does provide a bit of a reality check.
It reminds me that it's not merely a case of scaling back, but an entire rethinking. For a (small) amount of time there is no 'I' in the family, it's pretty much all 'us'.
Luckily, my children are old enough (8 and 12) to see that shouldering some of the additional load makes it easier on all of us.

pbjmom

"You can relax now--hubby is there to earn more $$ and "divide and conquer" the kids and drive the other Suburban to Home Depot while you hit Costco and the salon......"

I'm a widow - no hubby to earn $$ or drive or take the kids. I don't drive or own a vehicle. What is Costco? Haven't been to a salon in over 10 years.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT STUCK UP YOUR BUTT?!

Some folks are kinda hard on the author...I certainly appreciate the tip of the hat to single parents. I've been a single mom since my daughter was five years old. My ex-husband lives 10,000 miles away, I get no child support, but I do appreciate being able to raise my daughter on my terms. It is difficult at times, but I love being a mother. For the new single parents: do what you can to build a support system, be careful when dating, and understand that some days will be tougher than others.

The dislikes and joys. I like having the special alone time with my daughter. But dating, finances, and no breaks for long periods can be tough. Basically you are always tired, but you have to perform and get off your ass and do things for your child. By the way I am not single parent by design, my daughter's father called it quits. I am lucky in a sense that he takes an active role on the weekends and one weekday.

How can I teach him how to be a man? How can I teach him about sports and things that his dad should be teaching him? Any insight would be appreciated. I'm worried sick at this point!

Posted by: New Single Mom | June 5, 2007 11:04 AM

Thoughts:
1. Not all boys are into sports; many girls are into sports.
2. Many children have fathers who work very hard. They hardly even know their fathers, and certainly aren't out back playing catch every evening.
3. Your child is 1. You are his everything. He can't do anything without you. This will change.
4. He will have plenty of time to learn sports from his friends, in gym class, in school sports, at camp, at recess, ...
5. http://www.bbbs.org/
6. Being a man is way more than throwing a football around, tailgating at a Skins game. I learned a lot from my father, but I learned a lot from my friends, teachers, other adults, the girls I dated, etc.
7. As a single mom, you are going to be independent, confident, strong, positive, etc. He will learn from you.
8. Don't panic. You'll make it just fine. Panic only makes it worse.
9. Perhaps you have a father? A brother? The boy's father? Some other male influence in your kid's life?
10. The concept of being "a man" or "a lady" is a moving target. Do you think that a 1970's Burt Reynolds would have much luck with a modern-day Paris Hilton?

Bob

"Do you think that a 1970's Burt Reynolds would have much luck with a modern-day Paris Hilton?"

Do you know anything about sexual attraction?

A 1970's Burt Reynolds would have no problem nailing me today.

I have a few friends whose husbands routinely travel 3-4 days a week on business and rather than hold an "I'm a real single mom you're not," attitude, I do see that they have a unique coping situation as well, that has some things in common with single parents. Its not 100%, sure, but why parse the difference.

I also want to make clear that I don't feel entirely unsupported by others, nor that I am totally isolated. We have plenty of friends and associations through school and the neighborhood, but there is admittedly some isolation that comes at least with my territory. And its different to be included when parties are couples parties and such, or weekends away with multiple families. Most of the times these don't translate into invites for the single-parent family.

I also think its fair to say there are no small number of women who are a little threatened by single moms. Tip, ladies: We're not all out to steal your man.

Finally, great tip on the group dinners thing. I think I'll see if I can get some folks on board for that. It would be great!

"WOW' a real single parent. I am glad the writer of the article is trying to relate to single parents on a few levels. She doesn't need to feel bad because she is not single parenting 24/7 with out help. It might allow her to be sensitive to a single parent she might know. I am a single parent of two, one of which is developmentally disabled, she is twenty-three. It has not been a piece of cake. However, I must say they have learned alot about life and what ways they can shoulder the unexpected. It's tough but I wouldn't trade shoes with the one parent who left. There are more joys than heartaches.

Do you know anything about sexual attraction?

A 1970's Burt Reynolds would have no problem nailing me today.

Posted by: | June 5, 2007 01:07 PM

Is your name Paris Hilton? Were you born in the year 1985 or later? If not, then your your desire to shag him and his leisure suit-wearing, hairy chest-exposing, pushbroom mustached face is irrelevant.

http://www.big13.net/AndyHardyBurtReynolds.jpg

I'm sorry, but I just don't see a 1970's Reynolds having much luck with modern hotties.

I realize that he would look much different today had he been born 40 years later. All I'm saying is that the standard has changed over time, and someone who was hot in 1970 would look like a moron in 2007.

Here are some more good ones: http://popwatch.ew.com/photos/uncategorized/10128__burt_l.jpg
http://www.the-rocketman.com/dar/burt-and-dar.jpg

It's really too bad I didn't live through the 70's. Sounds like you guys had one hell of a time.

I'm a single parent dad of a 5 year-old daughter. Ex-wife has "issues". Never expected this, but I've always been the type of guy who ended up doing whatever needed to be done when no one else would. I suppose God prepared me for this eventuality - I grew up with 3 sisters, am a decent cook and don't mind housework...but almost always I'd rather be doing typical guy stuff.

Attitude is everything. We turn blessings into burdens when our attitude is wrong. When it gets to be a grind (2-3 times a week), I remind myself how lucky I am to have such a remarkable relationship with my amazing daughter. For the past 3 years, she has told me, "Daddy, I love you" every single day, totally out of the blue. It surprises me every time cuz those words were never spoken in the house I grew up in. I tell people I never knew what love was until my daughter came along.

These years will pass quickly. She will grow up and leave one day and I will look back on the most incredible experience a person could have.

Compartmentalizing. That's one skill I never thought I'd have to develop as a single parent, but it's been essential. If I actually thought all at once about everything that had to be thought about, I'd be locked up by now.

I do get resentful sometimes, especially when I hear married, stay-at-home moms talk about how busy they are, but try to remember that every life has its own complications that I don't know about.

My single mom friend works so hard both as a mom and to earn a living, but she's also a compassionate and caring woman who really appreciates being able to talk to me about what she's going through whenever I see her.

Some times it's just how she's so tired from dealing with her daughters, work, their dads, etc, or how an ex-boyfriend showed up unexpectedly, and other times she is so enthusiastic about how her and her 11 yo daughter went jogging around a nearby lake, or how her baby smiled at her one morning. Most of the time I just offer a sympathetic ear, and sometimes just talk with her as an adult. Bringing her the extra tomatoes and jalapenos from my garden doesn't hurt either!

I'm constantly impressed that despite the hardships she faces, she still finds joy and happiness with her children almost every day.

A Real Single Mom wrote:

"When your husband doesn't come back from his trip because he can't stand living with such a pathetic whiner, you'll have a real life experience to talk about."

Dear lord, I feel so sorry that your children have to endure such a nasty mother.

John L

"Some times it's just how she's so tired from dealing with her daughters, work, their dads, etc, or how an ex-boyfriend showed up unexpectedly"

Your friend might have more time if she had less to do with men....

I am a single mother with a request for all the non-single parents: If you have a partner who does not give 50%, PLEASE do not complain about how you feel like a single parent.
You don't. You CAN go to your partner and ask them to watch the child while you shower, run to the store, get out of the house for a minute before you lose your temper, etc.
I get really angry (not to mention I feel like my ACTUAL single parent status is being dismissed) when non-single parents say "I feel like a single parent all the time."
PLEASE stop. Please.

Wow I am really surprised by the fervor against Stacy's jumping point. I thought she was using a personal anecdote to bring up a topic which leaves things open ended for everyong to contribute. I didn't get a sense AT ALL that she's trying to suggest what she experienced is really what "single parents" live with.

You guys are acting like you WANT to take offense here really.

Anyway, I think the milk thing is a bit much as well- I can just so easily see shattered glass, burned fingers, milk pouring everywhere. In general, 5 is too young for that.

The independence thing can be nice- but so easily can it sway the other way where the kid grows up to think he needs to BE like the parent and not be able to go to the actual parent for advice. They either don't want to bother the parent because they know how tired/empty they are, or they resent them for not being there as they feel a parent should.

I respect a lot of single parents who take it seriously and really make it work (no, suddenly single status does not instantly make a dumbass parent into a saint) and I only really understood the sacrifices my mother made when I got older.

But you can make it work and be good.

anon @ 2:13,

Well, she can't exactly get rid of having to deal with the fathers, but she told the ex-BF to not bother her again.

To "Odenton, MD" | & "So sad..."
That I use sarcasm as a coping mechanism is hardly reason to decry the fate of my very loved, very wonderful children! I deal daily with my kid's various diagnosis: FAS PSTD ODD bi-polar, developmental delay Anxiety disorder and sensory problems. Sorry I forgot to use my happy kindergarten teacher voice. Thought I was talking to grown ups.....

anon @ 2:13,

Well, she can't exactly get rid of having to deal with the fathers, but she told the ex-BF to not bother her again.

Posted by: John L | June 5, 2007 02:33 PM

John L, I think anon was making a reference that she did not pick the "best" types of men -- referring to the fact that she had 2 children with 2 different dads plus an ex-boyfriend bothering her.

I'm a single parent dad of a 5 year-old daughter. Ex-wife has "issues". Never expected this, but I've always been the type of guy who ended up doing whatever needed to be done when no one else would. I suppose God prepared me for this eventuality - I grew up with 3 sisters, am a decent cook and don't mind housework...but almost always I'd rather be doing typical guy stuff.

Posted by: Gary | June 5, 2007 01:41 PM

Thank God! I thought I was the only single Father here! ;)

Yes, guy things get put on the back burner (Except Redskins on the Big Screen in the fall) a heckuva lot. I get into that "grind" a few times a week...usually when some mundane task is required...I then remind myself how lucky I am to have my kids with me.

Now that I only have them every other week (7 days on 7 days off) and it's only been a month since this started I find that I am starting to focus on my off week as a "Me" week and my on week as a "Them" week. It was a tough adjustment not coming home and starting the whole dinner/homework/bath thing and I still have serious bouts of withdrawl but I survive.

I had just moved to Charlotte, NC when my then husband left me and my two kids behind (they were 3 and 5 at the time)and moved to Germany. I had no family or friends in the area, it was like total isolation. I got them into sports and eventually met some one but it was really hard not having any one around to help.

I posted earlier asking that non-single parents stop saying that they feel like single parents. I just wanted to clarify that it was NOT in response to Stacey Garfinkle's article. I did not get the impression that she was saying that she KNEW what it was like to be a single parent, rather that she got a GLIMPSE of what it was like. And that she found it difficult. If anything, I got the impression she had a newfound respect for single parents - as a single parent, I did not find it offensive in the least.

rea

"I posted earlier asking that non-single parents stop saying that they feel like single parents."

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Reading the comments here makes me really glad I don't have or plan to have kids.

If I stopped to really think about the reality of my single parenting, I'd probably turn into a quivering bowl of jello. Single parenting is NOT for the faint of heart! Unfortunately, for many of us, it's not a choice.

Media, feds, even supposedly supportive friends and family, can get you down. Don't let it. You are NOT a statistic. Your children are NOT statistics!

One coping trick, I've learned, is to stay goal oriented and focused. Keep moving, keep working, keep planning, even my "down" time is focused, I have trained myself to power nap when the opportunity presents itself - (I am sure I'm not the only sleep-deprived single parent out there!!!!!)

Everyone's situation is so incredibly different. Sometimes you can throw money at a problem, but most of us don't have that luxury. I am unlucky in that I have no family support (mostly a problem of logistics) and am still recovering from an unhealthy marriage, and I don't get to spend as much time as I'd like with my daughter since I work full time.

However I'm lucky in that my daughter is healthy and happy, I have enough money to cover a little more than our basics, I have incredible friends and a little time for a social life, and I actually like my job.

Best thing about single parenting is the opportunity to show my daughter that her mother is a person who is capable of pulling off the near impossible with a little grace, a little patience, and a lot of love. I want to show her that despite my "status," I am not a victim. I am hoping she will grow strong, self-sufficient, and happy.

Tips (some of these seem useful for 2 parent homes also!):
Look at the financial big picture, sometimes it's worth setting up services. For example, finding time after work to fetch that gallon of milk was KILLING me. It cut in too painfully to our precious evening time and routine to drag her shopping with me on a school night. I figured it was easier to pay a 3.50 milk & cheese etc. delivery fee once a week than the $15 charge they slam me with for picking her up 5 minutes late from the county after school program (cause I stopped to pick up milk).

Once the kids are old enough, offer to host playdates / sleepovers. (Your other parent friends, single or not, will REALLY LOVE YOU). Then ask (before they are sucked into TV or games) "who's ***good*** at Vacuuming? Mopping? Dusting?" They'll (hopefully) jump at the opportunity to out-do each other cleaning in front of friends. This only seems to work in front of friends.

Find a routine(s) that works and stick to it. But once in while take a moment to analyze and modify it for efficiency. Things always change. As your kids grow the routines will need to be updated. If you have to, write your routines down. Then you don't have to think about it. And I know this is supremely hard, but please try to make some time for yourself! Even if it's for only a short walk!

2 books to get from the library: "Getting Things Done," by David Allen and "Sink Reflections" by Marla Cilley (The FlyLady). These two books saved my sanity. I know, I know, you hardly have time to read, but you do need to at least skim these 2 gems. I can't recommend them enough!

Try Home Sharing - I had another single mom of one share my home with me for a few months and it actually did help make things easier, for both of us, financially, nice for the kids, nice to have another grown up to pitch in, to chat with. In fact, it worked out so well I've decided to start looking for another mom to Home Share with!

That's all I have time for..... Good Luck to ALL parents, moms, dads, single or not, it's a lot of work!!!

Having kids is great!!! Anon, are you not planning on getting married either?

Part of the joy in life is both the ups and downs. Not that single parenting is a down, but it presents a challenge... and of course rewards.

If being a parent is the hardest thing in the world, then being a single parent is even harder. I saw the article headline hoping it would be a "real" single parent experience instead of a tongue-in-cheek approach. I love my son very very much and am so sad that his father chose to leave. His father he sees him every few months and they talk on the phone. But it is so hard and tiring, not having any backup unless you beg or pay (assuming the sitter actually shows up)and just feeling like you're always on the edge of burnout. Frankly single parenthood is the sort of thing I would wish on my worst enemy. But the kids deserve better.

To anon:

That's too bad. The only thing I would change about parenthood is my choice of co-parent!

"If being a parent is the hardest thing in the world, then being a single parent is even harder."

Neither one is that difficult. Get over yourself!

Peace Corps is the toughest job you will ever love

3:38 I really do not think single parenting is something to wish on an enemy, I actually enjoy the challenge and think we are better off. The co-parent was the mistake.

I am a fairly laid back guy, but I am horrified that you would let your 5 year old (5!) take the keys to the van and go out unsupervised. What if he decided he wanted to play race car driver? Wow. Completely irresponsible.

The author simply thought she knew what single parenting is like. Not to insult her, but her little journal of her few days as a single parent is like comparing kindergarten finger-painting to a Picasso. While some of us choose to be single parents (through adoption, etc.), some of us do not -- but we deal with the hand life has given us. I became a single parent involuntarily when my oldest was 2-1/2, my baby was a 26-week preemie and my ex decided he wanted to run from it all. So I picked up the baton and ran with it. I was a full-time employee, but with help from my family, I was able to keep my job, my mom helped with babysitting and learned how to help care for my preemie baby (after his 3 month stay in the hospital). She took the day shift, I took the night shift. And I cannot begin to tell you the number of medical appointments we had to keep to get my littlest guy on a healthy track. While with Mom for a few years, I saved money to buy a house for me and my little ones. That was a challenge -- going out on my own -- but, by the grace of God, we made it. When they became pre-teens, I gave up the house, packed us up and went away to school with them in tow. A few months after I got to where we were going, I found out I had cancer. After two in/out surgeries and five weeks of radiation, I was fine. But I continued to work full-time and go to school part-time (I got a 4.0 that semester!). That was eight years ago. Long story short and fast forward to now: my guys are now grown, I'm a part-time senior in college, I'm working full-time and we have a beautiful house and dogs. One has flown the nest, the other is about to go on his own. We have so much laughter and so many wonderful, wonderful memories growing up together. We have a great relationship and are extremely close. I can now look at them and say, "Lord, I thank you! It is You who gave me the strength to get through it all!" I remember a book called "Your Blues Ain't Like My Blues." Well, perhaps, for the author those few days of being a single parent were just about all she could handle. Who am I to judge her??!!

"Well, perhaps, for the author those few days of being a single parent were just about all she could handle. Who am I to judge her??!!"

Exactly, who are you to judge?

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

There seems to be such a stigma attached to being a single parent. Of course it's not easy being a parent, single or not, but it's the most (in my opinion) enjoyable thing in the world. Everyone has their own opinion of what it's like to be a single parent and everyone is entitled to that. Besides the hardships of financial strain, role models, scheduling, etc...my biggest concern of being a single parent is being away from my child. I always wish there were more hours in the day or that I could be in two places at once. I'm not bitter about the circumstances of why I'm a single parent, I love my child's father and he's my best friend but our relationship just didn't work out. Although my son doesn't see his father too often due to our schedule's, I don't prevent it from happening. Both my child and his father know that they are welcome to be with each other whenever time and schedule's allow. It's sad that some parents, again single or not, think that children are a burden. My child is the best thing to ever happen to me and one of the few things that make me unconditionally happy and regardless of our situation, life is great.

There seems to be such a stigma attached to being a single parent. Of course it's not easy being a parent, single or not, but it's the most (in my opinion) enjoyable thing in the world. Everyone has their own opinion of what it's like to be a single parent and everyone is entitled to that. Besides the hardships of financial strain, role models, scheduling, etc...my biggest concern of being a single parent is being away from my child. I always wish there were more hours in the day or that I could be in two places at once. I'm not bitter about the circumstances of why I'm a single parent, I love my child's father and he's my best friend but our relationship just didn't work out. Although my son doesn't see his father too often due to our schedule's, I don't prevent it from happening. Both my child and his father know that they are welcome to be with each other whenever time and schedule's allow. It's sad that some parents, again single or not, think that children are a burden. My child is the best thing to ever happen to me and one of the few things that make me unconditionally happy and regardless of our situation, life is great.

I think anyone who sits on her butt while her 5-year-old is outside looking through the family van, with keys in his hand, is not qualified to write about parenting.

That decision -- to allow her son to access the van on his own -- had nothing to do with the burdens of single parenting and everything to do with the laziness of a parent, single or not.

To the one who responded to my post with the following comment:

"Exactly, who are you to judge?"

Posted by: | June 5, 2007 05:42 PM

First of all, you were so quick to jump on my post while taking it totally out of context, that you you cowardly left off your identification. So, I'll address you in the same way you addressed yourself -- as NOBODY, a ZERO, a total BLANK SPACE. I was NOT judging her. When I quoted the title of the book, "Your Blues Ain't Like My Blues," what I was saying to the original author was what one person can deal with perhaps another person cannot. My point was that my experience as a single parent does not give me a right to determine how much of single-parenthood she can deal with. Other bloggers attacked her. I did not. I just gave my own experience as a single parent. It was no picnic and it is nothing I would wish on anybody -- not even you. However, if I chose to attack her in the shallow way you attacked my post, I would say that I'd never allow my five year old to warm up milk in the microwave for fear the child may scald him or herself, nor would I give a five year old my keys to go to my car to get something. THAT's where YOUR focus should have been.

Mike: Thanks for your comment. You and others assume that I was not watching my 5-year-old as he went to the van. He was fully within my sights the entire time. And he was very proud of his independence.

Well Stacey, by all means should you win mother of the year then. Had I known you were watching him, it would have made all the difference. Because its not like he could have locked the doors or done something to harm himself before you could get to him. Kids like to play the game of lock the doors to keep the adults out. It gives them a sense of power. Are you saying that you could move fast enough to prevent a door to accidentally close on a hand or arm? Or that you could prevent him from getting in, locking the doors and starting the car? Perhaps we are speaking with The Flash and didn't realize it?

Again, you really should not be writing about such poor parenting decisions as if you are some kind of knowledgeable source. If the Post wishes to use you as an example of what not to do, that I could understand.

One of my employees made the mistake of leaving his 5 yo daughter in the pickup truck while he worked to unload it in the yard. Actually he made several mistakes:

1) had the key in the ignition turned to "on" to hear the radio

2) No parking brake engaged

3) Not watching his daughter

Suddenly the truck began rolling backwards down the hill it was on. She had put the gearshift into reverse (just like she saw Dad do!) and with the key engaged, the truck moved out of Park. He was so startled he didn't react quickly before the truck had built up some speed, then had to run after it to catch up.

Not until the truck backed into a tree did it stop; if the tree hadn't been there it would have crashed into his neighbor's house. No damage was done but he was very shaken and astounded that he had been so careless, even for a moment.

Stacey, while I'm sure your son was proud of his independence, letting him take the keys to the van to unlock the door and get something was definitely NOT the place to start. What happens when you're not around and he finds the keys and wants to be proud of himself again because this time he realizes if he can unlock the door by himself, he can get up in the seat and be a "big boy" and drive like he sees Daddy or Mommy do. There are other, safer ways to allow him to show his independence -- like giving him a bag of trash to take out as a chore -- while Mommy is watching him do it all by himself. By the way, when you write, be sure to include the major facts like, "While I was standing there watching him ..." Your shortened version made it seem as if you had your face pushed into a pillow somewhere not quite fully awake. Here's your exact words: "On day three, 5-year-old wanted something from the van. He got dressed, got the keys, asked me which ones open the van and out he went. I told him to bring me the paper and he did. Hmmm. Maybe this single parenting thing is good for building independent kids?" Not cute at all, Stacey, especially not when it comes to children. What else would we assume except that you allowed him to go out by himself without you there?

Have you ever had your hand slammed in a mini-van door? I have, and a friend of ours watched her 11 year old son slam his finger in the door and break his hand! I can't believe you'd be that careless and foolish as to let a child unlock a mini-van by himself. Usually I think all the crackpots who overparent their kids are kind of crazy, but I'm afraid that mini-vans are one area where I don't think you can be too cautious!

Welcome to the "On Balance" blog.

Wow. Some of you people are so mean. I'm not sure what brings that out, but you are showing your ugly sides.

I exist in a netherworld between single parenting and dual parenting - my husband works away for 4 weeks or so at a time, then shows up for 4 days and expects to be integrated into the family. He expects to be involved in all the decision making, etc. - but isn't here, and has a very different approach from mine.

I have to admit, I enjoy having him gone most of the time: having him home is much harder. And before any of you really bitter, mean people jumps in and talks about how I can't be a REAL single parent if I have the financial input, who put the gates up on your little private club? Life is different for everyone, and it's nicer if you find what you have in common with people rather than getting your happy snark on. Besides, I'm not a single parent - I'm a married parent with a husband who is just here extremely infrequently.

And when he's gone, the hard part is the gallon of milk phenomenon that somebody else mentioned. I haven't exercised in 6 months because I can't get away - that isn't good, either. The other day one of my sons puked all over my office, because I didn't have a back up for sick care (and summer is the WORST - at least during the school year you don't have to scramble for expensive alternatives). There are days when it is rough, to be sure.

But the good parts involve all of us working together as a family in ways that we probably wouldn't have been forced to otherwise. They involve the closeness of relying on family and friends to help and the sure knowledge that you can't be a mountain - you have to rely on others and God to get through.

Each of us has a situation we're in, and you make the best of that. I used to get jealous of the stay-at-home moms sometimes, but that was me - not them. It helps to keep the attitude positive if you possibly can: this is your LIFE. It will be gone, and certainly your children will. How will you look back?

And for the mother talking about therapy - look, been there. And sometimes I feel really down about it. The stigma there beats anything I've dealt with in any other context. What I'd recommend is that you do a lot of research, and ask each therapist that you have what you can do at home to supplement. My youngest is autistic, and I have some really cheap therapies that I do to help him out. People will step into the breach and help you if you ask. It can be really hard to come up with the right questions, though. A good starting place (in my experience) would be something like "what would you recommend that I do or get or practice at home to back up his therapy?" We made a weighted vest out of a fishing vest. We got a cheap mini trampoline for vestibular input. Look at it creatively, and see if you can really take the therapy dollars you have and stretch them. Good luck!

I've raised a boy as a single parent. Two places where I've had success with male role models outside of family and friends are church groups, Boy Scouts (find an active group, they are not all created equal, and yes, I was one of few moms that went camping with The Guys), and a bonus possibility: Big Brothers. My son went to a boys' high school, which was rich in male experience, BUT, driving the carpool, I hammered back a lot of stereotyping. It's not the end of the world. It can be done. Just be a good parent, and listen to your boy for what HIS interests and strengths are and feed them. Boy Scouts offers a lot of support for varied interests beyond sports. Best wishes. S

The most difficult part for me is being the "good guy" and "bad guy" - sometimes it seems I'm being "bad" all the time and my kid is just going to start disliking me for setting too many rules. It is nice if someone else could take the hit sometimes.

But, I think my daughter who is now 10 and whom I have brought up since before she was born, is smart enough; that I have been able to talk to her about how I have to be the "bad" and "good" guy - it is absolutely astonishing how understanding children can be.

I have to say I admire two-parent households because I can see the hard work that goes into it having to adjust to and keep one additional person to happy - that goes for both spouses - apart from the child or children.

From the day she was born though, I did not feel the lack of a date or a somebody-else. I knew I could have chosen not to have a kid, but I chose to and it was totally my responsibility - so there can really be no complaining - and okay - even if one complains off and on, one gets over it, just as people complain in two-parent households about something or other.

My child's friends and their parents are a great source of support at all times, as is my extended family. I often stop myself when I can hear my complaints about life in general rising in my mind - actually, there's very little to complain about - either way -- if you can just keep your job and enjoy doing it - I mean the one that puts bread on the table and the one that calls for looking after your household - be it just one kid or two kids.

Being a single parent is difficult - yet rewarding and I too am a bit offended by your comparison of a couple of days without a spouse to being a single parent. My daughter is a year old and since the day we left the hospital, it's just been me and her. Her father didn't want me to go through with the pregnancy and even though he's now claimed to have come to terms and accepted her, it still isn't 100%. Not to mention, we live in separate states and in her 15 months of existence, he has seen her on 6 occasions. I'm the one who's up with her all hours of the night and bright and early in the morning. I'm the one who has to change my work schedule around to accomodate the daycare center hours and heaven forbid if she gets sick or the center is closed. Being a single parent is hard and there's nothing funny about it. I love my daughter, but I would give anything some days just to have that other parent there to share the day to day responsibilities.

How about some "equality "for dads in child custody wars these days, besides the wish list ,this year seems to have an usually greater amount of spending $$$$on dad this time,rather than ignoring the day the retailers have discovered things.