Stacey, you don't need to justify your choices by telling your readers how little "you" time you get. You don't need to prove yourself as a parent. Those comments were bogus, and the people who wrote them completely self-absorbed.

Every parent is always doing the best they know how to do every moment of every day.

That includes you and me and each those commentors (unless, of course, they don't actually have children, in which case they should be banned from computers until they gain a sense of propriety).

I wish we could support parents rather than tearing them down. It is support which helps us be better parents, not overwhelming criticism untethered from reality.

This is another sad manifestation of the "kids should be seen and not heard - and raised by my rules" thiniking that showed up in the Post's caht yesterday on commuting. If you missed it, the bulk of the discussion there was about kids on the Metro and how many commuters resented kids who were . . . . wait for it . . . kids in that they weren't always quiet and didn't always want to sit down.

Sadly, this isn't really a parenting issue, so much as it is an issue of society not having the rigid structure it once had, and many folks not knowing what to do about that. Heck, we see it in politics, we see it in sports, we see it everywhere. Those negative posters were trying to impose order, any kind of order, into lives they feel increasing out of control of. So they blame you for making the best choices you can in your situation, without offering to help make things better so you don't have to make the choices inthe first place. the former is easy individually, the latter is difficult collectively.

I was a sAHM for 12 years. I was so happy to go back to work! I read some advice on the Post recently--"Do whatever you have to not to be bitter." That was directed at a new mom. I agree. I wish I HAD gone back to work, that I HADN'T spent so much time with the kids. They see their father 2 hours a day. They know and love him. They have seen me all hours except school hours. Do they love me more? No. Child-rearing can be great, but it can also be boring as watching paint dry. I love my kids and am glad that I was around, but I wish I hadn't been SO AVAILABLE. I think a few hours in after care would have made them appreciate home more.

I read your previous article, although I did not comment on it. I fully agree with you that some posters were rather vicious. That said, however, your article did come across as "I've got to find a way to get rid of my children for the day." All your points were valid, but there was some sort of detachment in that article. I felt, when reading it, that your kids were almost secondary and you needed to get rid of them all day. I know that's not true from reading many of your other articles, but this one really struck me poorly. If I had only read this column and not any others, I wouldn't have such a good opinion of you as a parent.

I don't have the original column in front of me, so I can only tell you my impression, but one thing I recall was that you seemed so pleased that your three-year-old (I believe) was away for nine hours, not including drive time. Again, I understand what you were saying, it just came across poorly, in my opinion.

I think that sometimes people need to hear the guilt that they feel you should feel a little more concretely. When they don't, they lose sympathy.

Anyone who wrote and told you to stay at home should just be ignored; their comments aren't worthwhile. But maybe a future column could be about how much guilt we should portray to others about our choices. If we don't show guilt, is that bad? It seems so.

Why do you care about what a bunch of cyber strangers think?

Stacey - I hadn't read the other article but did just now and am amazed at all the hatefulness spewed your way.

We all need to realize and accept that all people and all families are different and everyone is doing the best they can.

I'm a much better mother because I work and my children are happy during the day with a loving caregiver who happens to be my mother. Most people think that's fine (I guess since she's a family member) but if we had a nanny, some would balk. Nannies devote their lives to children and are virtually part of the family in most cases.

The more people who love a child, the better that child's life will be. Just because someone's choices and life are different from yours doesn't mean they're wrong. Try to learn to respect and love others.

You don't need to defend yourself against those cyber strangers -- as another person put it. It's so easy to criticize others anonymously. How about a little restraint against personal attack folks. Try commenting on the issues. What's wrong with you?

The ugly nasty posts, I think, are just the nature of beast since folks can post without signing real names. On Balance is even worse and often it's hard to even read the comments they are so awful. I understand what "Andrea" above is saying but it strikes me as unfair that someone should have to make sure their posts convey an appropriate amount of parental guilt. Lord knows we all feel it but why do folks need to hear it so loud and clear.

My life is very similar to Stacey's and I know my kids have a good deal. A wonderful nanny who loves them and takes fabulous care of them and two very dedicated parents. Our house is 45 years old and we just replaced the 15 year old car. I hate people who think every working mom is doing it to buy a BMW. I had 5 month maternity leaves with each child which was awesome. I have worked part-time for the rest of their childhoods (except for a period when I took an extended leave of absence to care for my son who was fighting a serious illness). They have never had any doubt who Mom is and I know that the values and behavior lessons they have come from home. They each do playdates from time to time with my mom and she always comments how even without me there they are behaving and following the lessons I taught them (please and thank you, not touching everything, etc.)

I have a lot of respect for SAHMs and I know many are making big financial sacrifices to be home with their kids. My view is if they are happy being home and think it's right for their family then who am I to judge. To answer Stacey's question, I don't know how we get past the judgments. I am trying to teach my kids the old adage - if you can't say something nice, don't say anything. I wish more folks would do the same!

Someone needs to figure out how to separate topics between On Parenting and On Balance.
This sounds / looks like an On Balance chat.
IMO, if you can afford a nanny in this area, you (or your spouse) are working too much. (and it sure sounds like it by your job description)
Yes, everyone's situation is different, and it's all about choices. Don't complain if you've chosen to work a lot instead of being at home with the kid you chose to have (alt, don't complain if you've chosen to stay at home either). It is what it is.
As a new father, I wish I could stay at home more (my wife does), but it didn't make $$ sense for us. A PT schedule has helped, but that means we sacrifice dinners out (for the most part) and many of the other LEISURE activities when we were childless. No, I'm not complaining...it is what it is - and life would be different without DD.

Everyone feels the need to get some "me" time. Anyone who says otherwise is just kidding themselves.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

Both of my parents worked full-time jobs, with one of them in the military reserves, gone for weeks at a time. What has it done for me? It has made me an independent woman, one who has forged ahead and created a great life for myself, which I couldn't have done without following their lead.

As an adult, I share a close relationship with both parents, ever mindful of everything they did -- in their own way -- to give me a better life.

Love comes in many different forms, whether it is from parents who work full-time or from parents who stay at home. Be open to the possibility that what you are doing and what others do may actually both be "right."

When someone can prove that children with SAHMs are better behaved and educated, love their parents more and are generally all around better people, I'll consider staying at home. The fact of the matter is that good parenting takes many forms. There are some SAHMs that are terrible parents and some mothers who work long hours that are great moms. Whether one stays at home or not is not the metric we should be looking at. What matters is love and respect and support and discipline and communication.

It's a shame that people who give their own opinions on a situation are considered "hateful". I am the person who wrote the very first comment up there- "Anonymous: Seriously- at camp 9 hours a day not including drive time? It's a wonder your child even knows who you are. So sad... :("
- I was commenting on how very sad it makes me that people today are completely happy to put their kids away in daycare, even when they don't have to. A three year old, away from home, around strangers for more than 9 hours a day? That makes me incredibly sad. Everyone is free to make their own choices,(that's the beauty of America) but everyone is also entitled to have their own opinion on things. That happens to be mine.

Stacey - those people who make the nasty comments are usually unhappy with the choices they made. Afterall - if it doesn't affect them, why do people care if a mother (or father) chooses to work or chooses to stay home? Yes, I am lucky that I am able to "choose" to work. I love my job and worked darn hard to get where I am. That being said, I love my children more so I have declined promotions and opted to keep my flexibile, part-time schedule. My children certainly know who I am and anyone who argues otherwise is just being ignorant and hateful, certainly qualities that I do not wish to impart on my children.

on most emotional issues - marriage or divorce, birth and abortion, child raising, even how to have a wedding or what size house to buy / commute to have... people get mean when insecure about their own choices (or even the choices of the people who raised them) and have to defend them with claws bared.

doubt... especially when it comes down to 'did you make the right decisions for your children' and 'did you live your life well'... drives people to distraction i think.

it's also easy to write a column in a dismissive tone depending on your mood of the moment (or parental exhaustion) and to type off a quick (and ugly) comment to a blog. too easy.

Well Katy, some opinions are hateful. You judge mothers who stay at home and pronounce your choices superior to theirs. You are the one that has made the value judgement. I guess you can dish it out but can't take it.

From the column: "Once upon a time, most moms stayed home all day with the kids and dads went off to work."

That's a modern myth. It may have been true for a certain class of people in the US for part of the second half of the 20th century, but it's certainly not the "norm," either in US and world history or around the world today.

I agree with "another working mom" - I think people who are nasty and critical are defensive for one reason or another. Maybe they grew up with two working parents and felt like they didn't get enough time, maybe they are unhappy with choices they have made as parents.

I've seen a lot of positive outcomes to a variety of different choices - some of my friends are SAHMs and many are working moms. Some have nannies, some use daycare, one has an au pair. All of them are happy with the choices they have made and their children are happy and thriving.

I myself have been a working mom, a SAHM, and am about to go back to work part-time. I think each different arrangement has positives and negatives and that's just the way life is and you make the best of it.

I think the way for the "village" to be more positive and accepting is for the people in the village to be happy. I think some people are stuck living lives they aren't willing to change, and some people are stuck living lives they, unfortunately, aren't able to change. I think it's a shame, really.

You don't see this kind of critical behavior among moms in Europe (at least not the ones I know) because often moms feel like they have more of a choice as far as taking time off to spend with a new child and returning to work later on. They are afforded more benefits by the state to support their child, pay for child care, medical care, and so on. I'm not saying we need a system like this but I think where there are fewer pressures, people can be happier in general, and especially happier with the choices they, and others, make.

To Katy:

You have a right to an opinion... but it can still be hateful.

For some mother is a vocation and a choice. For others, it is an adventure and an act of love. For others, it means the condem broke. Child care providers, day care centers, enable us to pay the bills. Hopefully the incomeless women staying home with children will never be placed in a position where they must now go out and become the full financial support for their children, or they might discover just how ungenerous our society is in support of their goal of devoting full attention to their children.

To Own It Katy:

"Well Katy, some opinions are hateful. You judge mothers who stay at home and pronounce your choices superior to theirs. You are the one that has made the value judgement. I guess you can dish it out but can't take it."

No, not really. There was nothing judgemental in what Katy said. She simply expressed her thoughts on the subject as the author did. There is nothing hateful about saying "a child not seeing her mother all day is sad". Talk about not being able to take it. The issue obviously struck a nerve with you guys and you're saying that we're the ones who can't take it? That's funny.

My father recently commented to me "When life is really good, you have to work harder to find things to complain about." I think that's a lot of our problem nowadays. Middle-class America isn't hungry, isn't working dangerous and soul-crushing jobs, and isn't involved in a major world war. We have to work harder to find things to complain about. So we complain harder, too.

I was at a 1yr-old's party recently and took a moment to show off some finished knitting. One of the moms (a stranger to me) commented that she wished she had time to make something pretty, but she was trapped wiping up after her baby. I didn't say anything to her because I would have traded her in a micro-second. I physically can't have babies. She doesn't think she can have knitting time. In that blind moment, I would have given her my kidney and half my liver for that beautiful healthy 1 year old boy of hers. I don't think she realized how really bitter she sounded when she made that comment. She was just looking for something to complain about.

Good on you - don't worry about the pathetic people criticizing you - your kids will do fine and be stronger and smarter for the different experiences they have. Keep up the good work at home and at work.

As I type, I am sitting in my office with my daughter at the table next to me coloring. She is in a day camp during the summer and I wish that I could take the summer off and do what she is doing. They go somewhere every day and have a blast. But today we are leaving early and the Camp bus doesn't get back until 4pm.
Kids need time away from their parents too.
I feel that I am a much better mother working than ever would be at home. My working also provides us with extras that we would not be able to have. I think of not working, then I think of all the extra things we wouldn't do. I know that we have a great time as a family with the extras. She ends up in after school care for about 2 hours a day and in camp during the summer. She knows who mom and dad are and has no problems adjusting to new and different situations. I believe that if she didn't have change in her life, she would be inflexible.
My praise goes out to those who can stay at home. I don't think I would be as good a mother if I did. If everyone were exactly the same, this would be a very boring world. So, for those nasty people out there who feel the need to comment on something they know nothing about. Sit back for a moment and realize that if everyone were exactly like you, you too would be bored.

... There was nothing judgemental in what Katy said. She simply expressed her thoughts on the subject as the author did. There is nothing hateful about saying "a child not seeing her mother all day is sad". ...
Posted by: Giselle | July 3, 2007 08:51 AM

"It's a wonder your child even knows who you are."

Yeah, right, that's not a hateful statement.

" A three year old, away from home, around strangers for more than 9 hours a day?"

Are they only not strangers is they are related to you? These are the people he was already in camp with. Yes it isn't mom or dad or grandma, but it can still be someone he knows and may even grow to love.
Why is it always a stranger? Why can't people accept that nannys/daycare providers become familar and sometimes even loved people who are part of a child's life. The criticism seems to always be the extreme - leaving them with strangers or they will regard the provider as their 'mom' why can't it be accepted as the reality of in-between. Mom and Dad are still the main people and this is another familar and hopefully loved person in the child's life. And as for this person raising them - well Mom & Dad chose this person so they chose someone who would raise their child they way they liked or at least within certain guidelines. Just as a working spouse trusts their stay-at-home spouse to raise their child.

My husband and I both work so we've heard the criticism of "why would you have children just to let other people raise them" more than a few times. It's become a standing joke between us when the going gets rough. For example, when our children all got lice from school and I was picking through their hair my husband said where are those people who are raising our children when we really need them?

My conclusion is that people who make those statements are ignorant in the true sense of the word. They don't really know what my life is like - or my kids' lives for that matter. They just make judgments based on their limited world view.

Thankfully most of the people I interact with in the real world are NOT judging or critical. We tend to focus on the critical ones because their statements are so outrageous.

Sigh.... Before we were married my wife and I we discussed children and how we would raise them and what our values would be. This was important for us both. We were moving very quickly in our careers, buying a 3 bedroom loft in Tribeca, expanding our lives with travel, summer shares, etc. We were young attractive and getting wealthy. How to extend the arch of our success... children!

For months we talked and planned and realized that children were like my Breguet watches or my wifes 4 caret Tiiffany Novo ring. They were us! What better projection of who we are and what we are then our children. What better way to demonstrate to our friends we had it all with competitive child rearing and parenting, Tribeca style.

Our twin girls are like Prada accessories. They are dressed perfectly every day. The nanny and my wife coordinate outfits and the day's activities. There are educational activities, the park, the tennis lessons, day trips on and on for all to see. And planned and designed to show the world we love our children more then anyone else could love their children. Isn't this what it is all about: child as fashion, as accessory, as the new BMW... Damn we are good and guess what the girls can identify mommy, differentiate the nanny, and realize who has a better mom in play group.

Wow.... "Hateful"???

Some of you commenters are getting a little stretched thin. I suppose this is the same silly crowd that would suggest that having an opinion on abortion, homosexuality, religion, etc, etc, etc is also hateful IF the other person disagrees with YOUR opinion.

Katy was worried about having your children around strangers, the time involved, the differences between daycare and homecare. What is hateful about that? What is even CLOSE to hateful about that?

Here's a thought... Let's stick to actually discussing the merits of Katy's points as they were stated. Or is that too hard for those of you that are all about "the tolerance of ideas"?

One way for society to stop judging and criticizing others' choices is to stop these @(*&^# blogs. The other blog with a similar theme usually turns into a cat fight before the end of the day. The stay at home moms taking shots at the working moms and vice versa. I've stopping surfing that blog because it is disgusting and I believe some of the posters are locked up in a mental institution somewhere.

Suppose we lived in a country where marriages were arranged. Suppose your children were taken away from you at birth and raised by a state-run nursery. Suppose your husband/partner could have several wives. Suppose you were required to quit your job and raise your own children (oh, the horrors!). Or suppose you were only allowed to have one child of a particular sex. Any others were taken to orphanages for adoption.

At least WE HAVE CHOICES. Pick your priorities and stop whining.

There is something hateful about telling a mother that you think she is making poor decisions about raising her children. Katy expressed her opinion that to not stay at home is "sad." That means that Katy thinks that those mothers made the wrong choice. Thus Katy is telling them that they are, in some respect, not good mothers. To make such an accusation with no other information is ignorant, judgemental and hateful.

You defend her by saying she's just expressing an opinion like the auther. Well as I said, some opinions are hateful. Katy thinks she's better then mothers who work. She seems to think that ALL SAHMs are better then ALL mothers who work. Again that is a ridiculous and ignorant opinion that expresses disapproval, even hatred, for those that have made choices different then her. Sounds like she's the one uncomfortable in her own skin.

To Katy: If as you say your intention was to express an opinion rather than judge Stacey you could have said it differently.

What you said --> "Seriously- at camp 9 hours a day not including drive time? It's a wonder your child even knows who you are. So sad... :("

What you could have said --> Wow. 9 hours a day at camp not including drive time seems like a lot. Personally I can't imagine that working for my family.

Can you see a difference?

To own it Katy: Wow... talk about putting words in my mouth- No, I said it makes ME sad that parents put their kids in daycare when they don't have to. If they want to make that choice, that's fine- this is America. However, it makes ME sad. I never said anything about being better than mothers who work- or anything about ALL SAHMS are better than ALL mothers who work-
Amazing how everyone is supposed to be tolerant of everyone else's opinions unless you don't agree with the mainstream. Then it's open season.

PLEASE ignore the haters. There are mean people in the world and they love to throw their vitriol around. The internet lets them do so anonymously so they never get called on it. Just ignore them and maybe they'll fade into cyber-oblivion. Certainly nothing they have ever written has made me question my career or how I'm parenting my child.

To all the mothers defending Katy's intolerant judgments, you're all fat, ugly and ignorant. I'm just expressing an opinion.

Katy,
Actually, you didn't say it makes YOU sad. You just said "so sad." Not quite the same thing.

What does it mean when a child cries and wants to stay with the sitter at the end of the day instead of going home with mom and dad? Apparently, they are confusing a caretaker with a mom. IF you have to pry them away from the hired caregiver, something is wrong.

What does it mean when a child cries and wants to stay with the sitter at the end of the day instead of going home with mom and dad? Apparently, they are confusing a caretaker with a mom. IF you have to pry them away from the hired caregiver, something is wrong.

Posted by: | July 3, 2007 09:24 AM

There's not necessarily anything wrong. They've probably been having a grand time all day long and don't want it to end. There are definitely worse things. Sometimes little kids aren't great with transitions. If the child screamed and cried because he couldn't wait to leave at the end of the day, I think that would be more of a problem. Just because a caretaker is "hired," it doesn't mean the child can't or shouldn't love them. And it doesn't mean the caretaker is being confused with the parent.

I'm sick of the snide "because you want big screen TV" comments from the anti-childcare people. Uh, no...I live in Connecticut. A tiny two bedroom starter home in a town with decent schools costs $400,000, the mortgage is $2,500 per month, gas is $2.50 a gallon, groceries are sky high and we are taxed higher than any state in the union. Two salaries means paying for "luxuries" like food, heat, electricity, health care and a roof over our heads. Quote numbers like this at the judgmental twits of the world like Katy and their mouths fall open...I think they don't believe you. Their views and experiences are limited to their own narrow scope of knowledge, and they have no idea how to empathize or expand their thinking to imagine anything else.

"Leaving children with strangers" is a real and significant issue, not because of parental apathy but certainly because of working conditions in the childcare industry- in 1997, 27% turnover among all childcare staff, 39% among assistants. It's a particular issue in summer care, where children and staff members may change on a weekly basis. This can be a great adventure for an outgoing older kid in a well-run program with consistent oversight, but preschoolers aren't (on the whole) so flexible yet.

So I think it's fair to say that a 3 year old spending 9 hours a day in a very short term program isn't necessarily beneficial for them. Is it possibly the only option, or the best available choice? Sure. But conflating any debate about different childcare options into condemnation makes it impossible to have a useful discussion about the pros and cons of different approaches, which must sometimes hinge on fine points.

I'm tired of those who choose to see every action as a Choice Between Good And Evil, and of those who insist that any possibly upsetting value judgments must be repressed to avoid making anyone question any decision they've ever made. Can't we look at these things a bit more dispassionately, and accept that better and worse choices don't condemn or deify those that happened to make them?

I've read both blogs and the comments, and there sure are a lot of judgmental people out there. I just want to say that my 29-month-old toddler LOVES to go to preschool. He's there almost nine hours a day, but he is happy when we drop him off and happy when we pick him up. He knows his ABCs, many colors, and can count to 10 in Spanish and much higher in English. He has learned most of this at school. (I swear I don't think I learned my ABCs until kindergarten, but that was the '70s.)

It's not that we couldn't teach him these things, but his teachers are trained in doing it. He adores them but doesn't think about why he doesn't go to school on Saturday and Sunday. He's a very happy boy who loves to laugh. I will say that we do spend a great deal of time paying attention to him (although I admit to letting him watch "Go Diego Go" solo on Saturday mornings so hubby and I can get dressed). He's well-adjusted and learning faster than we can keep up.

I don't think kids need their parents around ALL of the time. Socialization is important for little kids, and those who experience a variety of environments tend to handle unfamiliar situations better. Our son is pretty easy-going and accepts change well (so far!).

So here's a vote for childcare outside the home. I admire and respect SAHMs, but it's just not for everyone. It IS all about choices and doing what's right for your family.

This post and today's On Balance post emphasize the same issues: There is no "right" choice - like the song says, what might be right for you, may not be right for some. Even if you make the choice that is mostly right for you, there will be times when you wish you'd explored the other side. And, like religion and politics, many people feel the need to justify their choice by belittling yours (i.e., "How can you possibly thing that what you are doing is right? Clearly you are mistaken, and stupid, and 'sad' for not knowing better/choosing more wisely.")

As parents and adults, we need to understand that our contemporaries, like our own parents before us, are just trying to do what they think is best. Does it always turn out that way? No. Does it matter? No. We've all seen parents who do everything they can end up with kids who have problems, and laissez faire parents end up with kids who are brilliant.

This stuff makes me ill. Stacy's current point is absolutely correct: we are damn lucky to have anything like a choice in the matter. Who worries about all those poor women who have to lock the door, leave the TV on, and a box of cereal out, and pray? Day care, having to come up with some affordable summer care, needing to rely on relatives, and all that are necessities of life. Are you people judging those who need day care of some kind as beneath you? Is that because of class, or are you simply morally superior because of your chosen vocation? Are you teaching your kids to look down on other people like that?

I work. I am the breadwinner in my family. I have wonderful friends who are stay at home moms, I have wonderful friends who work. We all realize that we're doing the very best we can, and give each other the benefit of the doubt. God forbid, we even cover for each other. Sometimes I feel SO jealous when I see the mothers in yoga wear dropping off their kids at the preschool- and I'm headed into another 12 hours of deposition. I am sure that they sometimes look at me and think something similar. The grass is often greener elsewhere.

But this culture where we feel entitled to say "you suck because you aren't the paragon that I am" is on its way to hell. Not that it isn't a time-honored tradition, looking down on the neighbors, but it has to stop if we expect to make a better place of this world for our kids. You know, those people all this is supposed to be about.

And does "Katy" really think that her explaining and protesting will change our view of what she said? We understood you the first time, dear. "Hateful" may be a little dramatic - I think "snotty" might cover it. But the underlying attempt to intimate to another mother that she really is completely inadequate, and her children are being abused? Yes, that's hateful. Rampant, and hateful.

Stacy, stop trying to view people's criticisms of your work as an attack on others or a societal shift. This blog is often filled with misinformation and is not well-written. Try to write better and you'll see that society accepts different moms because people will stop calling you on your nonsense.

To Katy and similar posters: In the hopes that you're truly seeking to understand why Katy's original comments felt judgmental let me offer that they were based on assumptions and generalizations.

Saying that 9 hours a day at camp makes you sad assumes that there is something to be sad about. As another poster indicated, sometimes kids love their out-of-home care. In my case my child often asked me to pick her up last from preschool. She loved her teachers, classmates, routine and especially the end of day stories, songs and games. So there is certainly no need to feel sad for her. Not all daycare situations are hurtful or harmful to children.

Which brings me to my second point. Generalizations about daycare (or SAH parenting for that matter) help no one - with the possible exception of researchers and others who want to get published. What works for one child and family often doesn't work for another. It's sometimes frustrating to find that the gymnastics class your best friend highly recommended and says her daughter love, love, loves just doesn't do it for your child. But that's life.

Stacey,

It's not like child care decisions are made in a vacuum. Everybody has a different situation. You do what you do for complex and inter-related reasons. If it feels right to you, then most likely it feels right to your kids, too. The only constant is change, so keep flexible.

"So, tell us, what can we do to get our society past judging and criticizing other parents? What does it take for us to move to a more accepting village?"

DON'T even get me started on the "village". The village is polluted, pornographic and profane. Keep the village the hell away from my child.

T. Roth...please, please, please tell me where you buy gas for $2.50/gal in CT!!!!!

I was shocked to read such archaic ideas of what is allowed for women once they dare procreate. Why do people feel it incumbent upon them to sit in judgement of the choices others make in their lives. Mothers who work need help coping BECAUSE they love their children. This is not a discussion of the righteousness of that choice. Stacy, like most mothers, is a grown woman and can figure out what choice is appropriate for her and her family in THEIR situation. Right?!????????

If a debate should be brought forth about the beauty of staying at home and raising kids for EVERY mother, than I would actually like to enter the high rate of alcoholism and Prozac prescriptions that accompany these "happy, fulfilled" women at home. Maybe working would have given them more self-esteem, saved liquor and drug money for day care. Hmmmmm....

The only men, in my opinion, who may enter this discussion are the retired ones who are at home now and have a sense of what it means to loose the very thing that always defined them. Otherwise, men, back off. No self-righteous opinions about what is wrong with women who actually do define themselves as more than mothers.

Nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home mother.
Nothing wrong with working and coping with all your might...

"Stacy, stop trying to view people's criticisms of your work as an attack on others or a societal shift. This blog is often filled with misinformation and is not well-written. Try to write better and you'll see that society accepts different moms because people will stop calling you on your nonsense."

Don't even talk about calling people out DCer, your posts are about as interesting and informed as a file cabinet. At least this post was not 12 paragraphs long.

Patrick,

I see your decision to no longer comment on Post blogs only relates to "On Balance".

Why do people always think they know what's best for your family? That seems to be where this started - Katy implied that she knew better than Stacy did, and also implied that Stacy was a failure as a mother for choosing to act differently than Katy might have.

So why do we have this overwhelming desire as a society to affirm our own decisions by putting down other peoples'? Maybe the dispute here arose because Stacy chose to post on a blog, and thus open herself up to criticism. But it happens every day to people who don't put themselves in a public sphere. Raise your hand if your choice to work or stay home has been criticized by your friends and family.

Why are we like this as a society?

I'm sympathetic to Stacy's situation, and I have a question for any other writers out there. Here's the situation:

I'm a new father, I'm in an MFA writing program, and I recently snapped up the opportunity to exchange my 40-hr/wk $31K marketing job for a $22K, 20-hr/wk stay-at-home academic research job. The new job starts in August. My wife works full time, earning around what I make now. This opportunity affords us the chance to avoid childcare--which we couldn't have afforded comfortably anyway--and gives me the chance to see my daughter more often.

Really, it's all pretty great.

The only thing that really worries me, however, is how I'm going to have the mental energy to write anything. I don't think I'm too self-centered, but I know from the little fathering experience I have that taking care of a child by yourself for 8 hours is truly exhausting.

So, first of all, Stacy: I'm immensely impressed that you write your column at night, at home, after working all day and taking care of your children in the afternoons and evenings. Second of all, are there any writers out there with insight on how to give quality childcare, work, and then have the mental energy to write something intelligible?

[PS- Let's say we all just ignore the trolling?]

When pATRICK and John L. show up, you know the blog has hit the crapper.

In some cases, the cost of child care is so exorbitant that it makes more financial sense for one parent to stay home. Just keep that in mind, too.

"Patrick,

I see your decision to no longer comment on Post blogs only relates to "On Balance"."

Yes and my posts here will be far and few between. I just couldn't resist when I saw Mr. Dull (DC'er) upbraiding someone.

This comment from RJ struck me:

"IMO, if you can afford a nanny in this area, you (or your spouse) are working too much."

Really? I have a nanny. We pay her $300/week. I work 40 hours a week. No more, no less (I'm a fed). I earn $60K a year and my husband earns more than me. He's also a fed and just works 40 hours a week. I think there are a LOT of couples in the DC area with our circumstances. We pay our nanny roughly $18K a year, so why would I forgo $60K in salary to stay home? It doesn't make sense.

To randommom: That's a wonderful point, and one that should be noted by all of these critics of working mothers. In the "good old days" as in many parts of the world today, kids were brought into the world to help support the family - the sooner they could be put to work along with everyone else, the better. And when I was a kid, my mom didn't work (until she picked up her career later) but I didn't see her much - she was busy with lots of other things. My older sisters took care of me, then I took care of my younger siblings. But I never doubted that either she or my father loved me, and all the kids in my family grew up to be self-sufficient and fairly productive people. One thing she did teach all of her daughters: make sure you're always in a position to be able to support yourself and your kids, because you never know when you might need to, wealthy husband or not.

"In some cases, the cost of child care is so exorbitant that it makes more financial sense for one parent to stay home. Just keep that in mind, too."

Like the cost of child care is a big mystery?

In all my years of picking up kids at daycare, I have never seen one child fail to identify his or her parents. They always go running over screaming "Daddy! Daddy!" or "Mommy! Mommy!"

Those SAHMs who say that kids in daycare don't recognize their parents are pontificating on an area they do not understand. You know how you laugh when non-parents have the gall to offer parenting advice (and just how absurdly stupid their advice is)? That's how I laugh at you and how stupid you look when you try to tell me how my kids feel.

"Just as a working spouse trusts their stay-at-home spouse to raise their child."

Like Andrea Yates....

J: Balancing child care and all the demands of writing and work are difficult. What I've found is that your options don't have to be all or nothing. You don't say the age of your daughter, but I found I could get a lot of work done during nap times when my boys were younger. Some parents do a care swap to give each other some work time during the day. So, each parent essentially hosts a play date for a few hours while the other gets some work done. There are also some small programs for preschool-aged children that are more hourly (someone help me here, is it called Mommy's Time Out?) and can give you a few hours break without feeling like it is a huge commitment and still allowing you to spend a great deal of quality time with your child.

Good luck and have fun with your daughter!

In my head, I keep translating Working Mother to Working Parent. This may not be entirely appropriate, considering societal pressures, but (being a father) that's how I make sense of this debate.

To me, there's no onus to being a working-away-from-home parent. It's just the question of whether or not you're lucky (privileged? smart? prepared?) enough to have a job that lets you.

I mean: Given the career choices I've made, the jobs I could potentially have will never make working away from home a particularly splendid choice for me. As has been pointed out, finances make childcare a much less attractive option if you're not making very much money.

Bob

"You know how you laugh when non-parents have the gall to offer parenting advice (and just how absurdly stupid their advice is)? "

There just might be one Nosey Parker in every family. My childless spinster sister has endless advice on how to have the perfect marriage and perfect kids! You're right. We laugh at her.

emmy, seems like you've got a really good deal! Is she legal?is it a nanny share? that isn't much more than daycare fees.

Visiting these parenting blogs is like playing a virtual game of WhackaMole.

The goal is to whack anybody that pops up with an opinion.

Fun!

The goal is to whack anybody that pops up with an opinion.

Fun!

Posted by: Lil Husky | July 3, 2007 11:11 AM

only an uninformed, unintelligent opinion attracts a whacking. The more ignorant, judgmental, or plain useless an opinion is, the more an old-fashioned whacking is just what the doctor ordered.

Can I jump a shark over here also?

Thanks for posting this and showing the comments. I started reading this blog when the full-on assault on "On Balance" was too much to take. Totally unproductive when the whole point is sharing ideas. But the reason that these discussions are unproductive is that, in an anonymous forum, it is so easy for posters like pATRICK to unleash vile and personal responses to someone else's opinion. It is easy to hide and spew judgement that you would not have in an in-person discussion. Anonymity allows a great deal of civility to be thrown out the window. Were we to see this type of back and forth on our children's IMs or computer correspondence, we would talk to them about how to behave in a civil manner, even when they are not identified.

And so to the question, what can we do to get our society past judging and criticizing other parents? What does it take for us to move to a more accepting village?

Teach our children to behave better than those we see here. Teach them to share ideas and listen to other people's experiences. Teach them that anonymity is not an excuse for rudeness and an opportuity to be a bully. They will learn good and bad - teach them to distinguish and question and find the right path for them. Teach them that the village may be polluted, so stay away from the pollution and find the good.

The interesting part of this debate, not just here, but everywhere, is that while the two mommy factions are squaring off, the rest of society is talking about ALL of you, generationally, as parents. I'm in my late 50's, never had kids, never wanted them. Can't tell by looking at a kid whether Mom stays home or works, but I can tell you one thing that everyone else talks about that isn't a parent these days and that is that kid's behavior and parental control now is at an all time LOW. Don't know what other generations knew that you people don't, but they all did it better!

Yawn

Why is it the only people that ever wonder when the "village" is going to show up to help raise their children are working parents??

Sheri

"Don't know what other generations knew that you people don't, but they all did it better!"

There IS something weird going on these days. Kids have public meltdowns and parents stand around looking helpless. It is very odd.

Lilia,

Because I love my children having a wide variety of influences, as I do in the working world. I think it prepares them for many different experiences. My children play with children of different religions, have teachers who come from different backgrounds. When I disagree with something or someone that has influenced them,it is an opportunity to discuss why I believe differently and have an open discussion allowing my children to form opinion. When you live in a village, you experiences more of "other" than same and that is my emphasis in rearing my children and in working outside my home. However, I would not limit it to working parents. Just open minded ones. It is not for everyone.

About this "village" talk: Are we speaking here of having a community of people available to your child? What could possibly be bad about that?

A "village" approach to child rearing (as I understand it) strikes me as a fantastic idea, regardless of where the parents work. It strikes me as a healthy way for a child to appreciate a wider diversity of human experience, and as a way to ensure against subjecting your child to your own ignorance.

(I mean ignorance in the literal sense, by the way, not as an insult. It's just a simple inevitability that not every parent can know everything.)

"it is so easy for posters like pATRICK to unleash vile and personal responses to someone else's opinion."

FormerNoVA mom. This is a blog not a sleeping pill substitute. I could refute you but frankly it would be like kicking a puppy.

Sheri is correct about the behavior and parental control now being at an all time low. I work around teenagers and this generation has the most rude and most misbehaved of any in the recent past. If I had spoken to an adult as some of today's kids do, I would have been hit.

My wife quit working after the birth of our second child. We sacrificed a lot of material things over the years the children were growing but we ended up to two polite, considerate and well educated kids. I attribute a lot of this to my wife having the time to be in school and to teach our kids the proper way to live. You cannot do this as a part time parent.

Parents add to this mess by giving their kids a feeling of entitlement and defending them even if they are in the wrong. Every kid seems to have a lawyer on retainer in Fairfax County.

Sheri probably did the right thing, she didn't have kids. If couples don't want to take the time to raise their children, please don't have them. You and society will be better served.

pATRICK

"This is a blog not a sleeping pill substitute. I could refute you but frankly it would be like kicking a puppy."

His wife is a dawg, so he oughta know!

Of course, Patrick. But you know nothing about me so you really can't say anything.

Thanks, Sheri and IN FAIRFAX: The way your kid behaves is a direct reflection on you and you alone. You should hear some of the horror stories teachers tell in the teachers' lounge after school hours.

It doesn't take a village to raise a kid, it takes two parents, preferably adults, who aren't afraid of responsibility. If you can't do the time don't do the crime.

I have yet to meet a mother today who doesn't do MORE for her kids than my SAHM mother did for me and my siblings roughly 40 years ago. I think societal expectations for mothers (and sometimes fathers) have grown enormously. Perhaps unrealistically.

My hustand and I have been working parents for the past 24 years. All three of our children started at six weeks with childcare providers in their homes and moved on to daycare centers by age four.
We both worked in the beginning because we had to survive. Office work paid me better than babysitting did, and my husband was military (enlisted). With only one of us working we would have needed government assistance. We have both grown with our jobs and are much further ahead that we would have expected, but now we can provide better for our children (including living expenses while they attend college).
All three children remember their early childcare providers with fondness today, and in fact we had a visit from one couple just a few months ago (we moved and they wanted to visit our youngest). There were times when the kids wanted to stay longer at daycare, but that was when some fun activity was happening and they would have had to leave their friends to go home.
Overall, our three are happy and well adjusted. We raised them. Our daycare providers helped. And we're all better for it. It worked for us.

I wonder--how often do you hear about fathers being vilified for working and using child care? The double standard is mind-boggling.

I had a sad but interesting conversation with a friend last week. She was emphasizing to me just how important it was to pay and treat your nanny well because she frankly was raised by a nanny. She currently doesn't have children but when she does she will make sure that her nanny is happy so that her kids can be happy and be raised well.
All I could think of was how sad that is!

But it does take a village - those teachers, and coaches and other parents and children have an impact on your child. They make up the village. I would never say a parent should trust those resources to be the only voice of authority, but they influence your child. I am a working mom who takes responsibility for my child. My oldest is the only one that says "yes sir" to his coach and is a leader in his classroom. He will impact the children around him in a positive way. You don't raise children in a bubble that consists of only the parents and child. Once you leave those immediate confines, you are in "the village." I don't understand why this is bad or wrong. Your job as a parent is to help your child navigate those influences. Your job as a parent is to let your child know your expectations regarding behavior and judgement. Your job as a parent is to keep authority and not give it to the child. But often people chose where they live based on the surrounding community. I grew up in Vienna, as the schools where good, there were activities for children in the summer etc. You chose your "village" for those influences, don't you?

I was very shocked to hear that someone pays their full-time nanny only $300 a week. IMO, the person taking care of your child deserves to be paid a living wage. Who can live on $7.50 an hour? Does the person who spends all day caring for your children deserve to live just above the poverty line? I find that really upsetting.

A number of posts here are assuming a connection between bad parenting that yields undisciplined children (as pointed out by Sheri) and parents who work away from home.

While I grant that both phenomena may be on the rise, to assume a direct connection seems like an unreasoned response. My parents both worked away from home, and I was raised with a good amount of discipline and respect for my elders. Jeffrey Dahmer's mother worked from home. For example.

Perhaps the real problem is in the quality of care children are being given--not reducible to the number of parenting hours logged per daylight hour.

Ignorant, insular parenting yields rude, entitled children. It may be as simple as that.

"A number of posts here are assuming a connection between bad parenting that yields undisciplined children (as pointed out by Sheri) and parents who work away from home. "

Dunno about that, but the kids I see that are socially awkward usually have SAHMs.

Don't let anybody give you grief about sending your kids to camp or another activity for the day. What would they rather your child do...sleep till 10 and then whine to spend half the day playing video games or watching TV? I'd much rather my child go to camp, socialize, run around, learn to cooperate with others and have a great time. I was fortunate to do that as a kid, and I scrimped and saved for my own child to do it. For her, it was especially important, because she had ADHD and needed the structure during the summertime. She got to meet kids from different kinds of backgrounds and different cultures, and learned to deal with all different kinds of situations. What more could you want for your child?

Don't try to justify yourself to other people who think that they know what is best for your children. Your kids are happy and well-adjusted, and that is all that matters. You work because you have to, so don't feel guilty about it.

emmy, seems like you've got a really good deal! Is she legal?is it a nanny share? that isn't much more than daycare fees.

Posted by: Jen S. | July 3, 2007 11:11 AM

Just to clarify for everyone, she is legal. She has a green card and we pay the employer federal and state taxes. It is a nanny share (3 kids total), so she is actually getting $900 per week. We withhold for her so that she doesn't have a big tax bill due in April. She is very happy with the situation and has been a nanny with various families for 15 years.

Stacey,

I agree completely with your analysis of working parents. I am the product of a hard working attorney who happens to be my mom. She is the president of her law firm, which just celebrated its 20th anniversary. My older brother, twin sister and I were lucky enough to have our dad stay home with us for several years, until he had to return to work to help get us through college. We are all now in early adulthood and are intelligent, happy and successful individuals. Not only do we know both our parents well, but we value the intelligence and hard work of our mother and all women, and are not confined to the gender stereotypes that so many of our peers seem unable to move beyond.

Emmy -- thanks for the clarification. Simply saying $300/wk did suggest the nanny wasn't legal.

Anyone have the link to yesterday's chat about kids on the metro? I sent a question in about it (discussion about improving the metro), but I was away all day and didn't get a chance to read it. Sounds like there was an interesting discussion around the issue, and I'd like to see it.

I think this is it (chat about kids on the Metro):
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/discussion/2007/06/29/DI2007062901664.html

If that doesn't work... I found it in the discussion transcripts. It was yesterday's "Roads and Rails."

There are many posts today that talk about how happy children are in daycare or preschool or camp or with a nanny. Do the self-righteous parents out there who "sacrifice" to stay home with their children think that these posters are embellishing the truth? Or, do they dare not think that kids can actually enjoy the day and be enriched by others because their parents aren't around every hour of the day? I had a SAHM. I have a great relationship with my mom, but I don't attribute it to her being home with me until I went to middle school, especially since I barely remember those days. do you really think your kids are going to remember or care about how much you "sacrificed" for them by being a SAHM? No - all kids remember is how much they were loved. And shockingly, I still felt loved by my dad even though he was out working several jobs so my mom could stay home.

just to let you know that my 3 year old loved being in daycare. unless the people at the day care change everyday (which they didn't) they were not strangers. they were his friends. so there isn't really any need to feel "incredibly sad". tell me, would you feel "incredibly sad" if a child were left with anybody other than the mom (i guess dads get a free ride here) say like a grandparent or an aunt?

What does it mean when a child cries and wants to stay with the sitter at the end of the day instead of going home with mom and dad? Apparently, they are confusing a caretaker with a mom. IF you have to pry them away from the hired caregiver, something is wrong.
-------

and what if they do the same to grandma, is it still wrong? I'm tired of other people having the fun with my kids while I have to be the disciplinarian, but it's what has to happen.

What some SAHMs fail to grasp is that my kids have friends they've known and played with and gone on fieldtrips with for the first FOUR YEARS of their lives. My daycare has an indoor gym with about two dozen bikes and 4 climbing toys and and an outdoor field with a large jungle gym. They have a library of well over 1000 donated books. Every day there is like a trip to the library and the playground with their best friends.

how is it surprising they wouldn't love it? If they didn't occasionally not want me to leave or demand all the families come to our house for dinner on a monday night (COUGH!) then I probably wouldn't want to leave them there. That effect, that love of the daycare, is EXACTLY what I'm paying for as a customer.

Patrick,

I see your decision to no longer comment on Post blogs only relates to "On Balance".
-----

Thanks John, I couldn't have said it better myself.

I think you people should either:
a) if you're a SAHP spend time with your kids instead of this blog
b)if you are at work, work instead of wasting your time blogging

these comments can take all day to go through. shouldn't you be baking a pie or dealing with customers, clients, employers, coworkers, etc.?

Why oh why can't pATRICK GO AWAY???

pATRICK -- you are so bitter -- why? Issues w/ your parents/family/society?

You lash out so much and you think that others are beneath you (thus the "kicking the puppy" comment), when really, lashing like that reflects that you're the one most hurt & vulnerable on the inside......

You asked, "And so to the question, what can we do to get our society past judging and criticizing other parents? What does it take for us to move to a more accepting village?"

Honestly, we should probably stop the navel-gazing... Someone posted above stop reading these #%(^% blogs, but I'd say that they're not too far off the mark. Since the focus of this blog (and many others) doesn't actually seem to be any sort of applied information, but mostly "this is how I feel today, confirm/deny my feelings please," the blog invites people to either support or negate the poster's feelings (and by extension the poster).

If we want to avoid the name calling we need to focus on actions and results rather than feelings... We need to stop concerning ourselves with determining if what we're doing makes us morally right or wrong, but if the evidence shows that it's working. Are your children happy, well adjusted, healthy, and so on? If the answer is yes, great! Keep up the good work! And, we all need to learn to not respond to those who don't know how to respond to our choices.

just because a child hugs the caretaker and cries when leaving doesn't necessarily mean that they are confusing the caretaker with the mom. my son used to hug the swing at the playground & cry when it was time to leave. what does that signify? that he confuses the swing with mommy? i don't think so. how about that he was having so much fun swinging that he didn't want to leave. same thing applies with day care. i would have been more worried if he had been eager to leave. not wanting to leave meant that he was enjoying himself.

What does it mean when a child cries and wants to stay with the sitter at the end of the day instead of going home with mom and dad? Apparently, they are confusing a caretaker with a mom. IF you have to pry them away from the hired caregiver, something is wrong.

Posted by: | July 3, 2007 09:24 AM

What does it mean when a child cries and wants to stay AT THE PARK at the end of the day instead of going home with mom and dad? Apparently, they are confusing a PLAYGROUND with a mom. IF you have to pry them away from THE PARK, something is wrong.

Most caregivers are not "strangers". If they are, then it is time to get a new caregiver. Born in the 1970s, I was in daycare from when I was 1 month old. I still remember fondly the caregivers and daycares that I was in through elementary school. I even remember their names and the joys of having other children to play with all day. When a caregiver was not good enough, my mother moved me to a better caregiver, which only happened once. I never once confused any of these providers with my mother, who cared for me deeply. It is a ridiculous statement to say that a child would confuse a caregiver with a parent--that would only ever happen in the rarest of cases.

Why would we want people to stop making judgements? It's a very good, very necessary skill to have. Why is it that you question judgements ONLY after a slew of nasty ones?

There are good ways and bad ways of making judgements on people, but the fact is that judgements are all part of everything we do and when you ask for opinions, specially regarding raising kids, you're going to get a lot of heat over it.

"Take what works for you, discard the rest."

Now I DO think we need to discard the outdated models of raising children- but I also think most modern models really suck. And the model that I choose as the best one, most parents would have to face that they made the wrong choice in procreating and made tons of bad choices since then. So I don't really expect my model to become the norm anytime soon- though it should :)

We also need to stop equating "bad judgement" with "rejection." I can think a person is doing some crappy things, and still respect them as a person.

Stacey,
I am appalled at some of the nastiness that has been directed your way. I guess people feel the anonymity of blogs gives them a free pass to be rude. FWIW, I don't even read the ugly comments...they are not the reason I visit these blogs!

In any case, I stay home with my 2 and 4 year old boys. And, I know several SAHMs who dread every school vacation; they enroll their kid(s) in various camps & classes every day, all summer long. These SAHMs drive might drive their child(ren) from one activity to another, but they are not spending time with their kid(s). So, to the self-righteous & barb-mouthed SAHMs, don't think the mere fact that someone stays at home means that they are actually parenting their child(ren).

On the flip side, some of the best parents that I know are WOHPs. They are less likely to lose patience with their child(ren), more likely to play and have fun with their kid(s), and really seem to appreciate their evenings, weekends, and vacations.

I guess my point is that very little in life is black and white; parenting, like everything else, is all about shades of gray.

I simply can't believe the judging that goes on the matter of moms working and leaving their kids in daycare or with a sitter. Everyone has a different financial situation, personality, and support system ---why is it that everyone doesn't get that by now?

I think that one of the many things that we can teach our children is how to be happy and content with who they are --- and the way to do that is to show them by example.

Feeling superior to moms who work or feeling sorry for those who don't is really a sign of ones own insecurities spilled out onto the floor for everyone to see ---and really, no one wants to hear it, be around it---or worse, constantly have the kids exposed to it.

Some people who stay home never really wanted to to work ----and some people who work can't imagine not working. Loving Nannies and good daycare are not evil substitutes ---kids learn alot in those situations ---bonding with someone other than their mom and dad --and possibly keeping that bond throughout their lives---which will increase their confidence in others. Day care brings social, eating, playing and art skills and keeps them from getting bored --. On that note,
Is a shopping trip to Target and hanging out in front of the TV while you talk on the phone necessarily better for them? and let's face it, we all need to go to Target and talk on the phone ----I don't judge people who do that with their kids in tow --even though I spend my time with my kids differently.

I have stayed at home and worked ---and my family (including my mom) think that I am a saner, happier person when I am intellectually engaged and working --I feel the same way, so I work. The kids are used to my working --and used to me being the first parent to pick them up from daycare ---and used to having conversations with me about our days and being interested in what I do too.

they are happy, normal little kids who know exactly who their parents are --how could they not?

There are just so many ways to parent. There is no right and wrong. So much of it depends upon the type of person that you are and what your kids and spouse are like.

I personally love my job and would not leave it to stay home with the kids. It would make me such an unhappy person. It is such a blessing to have a job that I love. I get to work and switch gears aed home and become a motived productive person. If I stayed home all day, I personally would be happy.

At the end of the day, I see my kids and we are all so thrilled to be with each other. From 6 to 10 each night, it is a love fest and fun. We make dinner together and dance and do puzzles after dinner. Then it's bathtime and we will draw or tell stories until the kiddies fall asleep. My husband and I then do a power clean up together and have adult time.

We are lucky in that we can take our time in the morning and have breakfast together each morning. Then it is madness to get everyone and their lunches into the car and to daycare. By the time we get through this hectic part of the day, I am relieved to be at work and be productive!

We have so much love in our family. Having two working parents does not diminish this love and the strength of our relationships. I always pass on this information to working friends who are about to have a first child. The unknowns of working and parenting can easily scare a mom from going back to work. But it can work well!

None of this is to diminish the mom that chooses not to return to work. There must be many benefits to that arrangement as well!

I love hearing the stories of adults who went to day care as kids and how they are JUST FINE and love their parents, as well as keep in touch with some caregivers. Some teenagers--girls in particular-that I know with SAHMs have no respect for them. I hear, "It's not like they DO anything." Now while as a parent, I can see that is not true, there is an issue here too...
There is no silver bullet.

I'm also a child of the 70's (born in '75). A time when those young women of the feminist movement started having their own children. My mom stayed home with me for the first three years and then sent me to daycare. I have no memory of Mom being home with me in the first three years of my life.
One of my vivid early childhood memories was my first day at daycare, I was three years old. I was scared and Mom held my hand tight (she later told me she cried for 15mins in the car). After five minutes I met my best friend and the rest was history. I enjoyed daycare tremendously! The birthday parties, the playtime, the learning, all things children need. And remembering talking forever at the dinner table about my day. My child self wanted to impress my parents that I too had important life going on. And them being great parents listened and always asked me a million questions about my day.
Children need to learn at an early age to independent and interact with other children. They need to learn that Mom is not there all the time, and that Mom has her own dreams and aspirations outside of her children. To me that's the best gift we can give our children.

My husband used to say that he thought a parent should stay home with the kids and that people don't because they are greedy for more money. Then we had a child. And I make more money than he does, so, if someone stays home, it will be him. I don't hear anything about it anymore.

My daughter thrives in day care. She enjoys the other kids and gets lots of attention, but is always pleased to see me when I pick her up.

Combining the task of child care and allowing fewer people to perform it - and getting those who do it better than they do anything else - makes economic sense for a society. I suspect most of your nasty commenters also tend to tout the free market. Here it is at work - making things efficient.

My grandmother stayed home with my mom and aunts, though she was zonked on Valium most of the time. Was that better?

The people with the "kids today..." garbage are killing me. Kids have always been this way. You think things were simple and idyllic when you were a child because YOU WERE A CHILD. The 70's was one of the most tumultuous and difficult decades this country has been through, but I remember it as simple and fun. Because that's what childhood is like.

Kids don't respect their parents or teachers less than they used to. They don't behave worse than they used. They don't have more tantrums or start more fights. They are kids - they are ruled by hormones. Same as it ever was.

Samantha-

I don't know what day cares you are talking about, but mine (not on the expensive end of the spectrum) does not have much turnover and my daughter has had very consistent care there.

One of the many things that gets lost in these nasty SAHM vs WOHM/WAHM debates is always Dad, and the role of Dad, and the double standard many apply to Mom vs Dad and their presence on the homefront...as some have pointed out, in the SAHM homes where Dad is often must less evident, due to the need for *someone* to earn a living, are these Dads universally not loved and appreciated for what they *do* do to father and not just function as sole wage earner?? Also, I have noticed that as a rule, in our house, where I am a WOHM and my husband also works, that he seems to spend MUCH more time with our daughter than the Dads in many of the the SAHM homes. Because he needs to pitch in and help with morning care, afterschool care, and etc., he is extremely involved in her life. We share soccer practice and games, ballet, etc., it's not all up to Mom as it is in many of the SAHM homes I know of. This is partly because my husband purposely chose a job that while it pays well, does not pay as well as some jobs he could qualify for that would that would force him to work extremely long hours and take frequent biz trips. If he took one of those jobs with huge paychecks and long hours, I might be able to work less or maybe even not work at all. But I love my job and am happy to show my daughter that Moms can have jobs and do well at home AND in a workplace. My husband is able to work in a job he loves that is not high stress. And my daughter has TWO parents who are extremely involved in her life -- not just one. Yes, she does afterschool care two days a week (when I'm not able to work at home or my husband can't meet her bus) and summer is full of daycamps, etc. But as I said, she seems so much closer to her Dad than many of her friends with SAHMs and hardworking/workaholic Dads. Not all, of course. I certainly do know of families where the sole wage earning Dad does what he can to spend time with his kids. But I see it as a gift to all of us in my family that I am able to contribute enough to the household finances that my daughter is able to have two parents share the wage earning, household chores and child care, and to do so happily. My house is certainly not as clean and organized as those of many of the SAHMs I know, but so be it!

When your child spends 9 hours a day in childcare, those who care for your child are no longer "strangers" to your child. Assuming the care that is given is good--or even superior--you have done the right thing for your child and yourself.

As a single mom, there really is no choice about whether or not to work. But I honestly believe (actually, I know for a fact) that even if I was happily married to a man who could support my decision to stay at home, I wouldn't. My choice to have a child and become a mom did not automatically eliminate all my other goals and dreams for my life. And I don't see that there is any reason to sacrifice one for the other(s).

The truth is, daycare probably taught my child more, took him more places, and had more patience with him than I would have staying at home with him full time. And I don't think that makes me a bad mother. As a WOHM, I set an excellent example, and the time I do spend with my son is much more precious and quality time.

I don't care what anyone else thinks.

It's not about getting past judging. You would not for a minute write that we shouldn't judge whether a man chats with his wife about his anger or hits his wife to deal with it. Yet, it's okay, just another choice, not something to judge, when people do something demonstrably harmful to children. Human infants evolved to need their mothers. Attitudes expressed in your column and others indicate that this biological fact is considered a bothersome lie, not an inconvenient - for some - truth.

The NICHD data, though your paper skews it, shows demonstrably what Ainsworth and Bowlby showed, what Freud found, and what any person who actually does parent their child knows - being there matters. Mom is not a title, it's a series of actions. Infants and toddlers are psychologically, socially, intellectually, and physically harmed by more than 10 hours a week of separation from mom. Those are the facts. When you face them, you will understand the 'judgementalism' of people who abhor abuse of children. And day care, six months home with babies, 9 hours a day camps are abuse. Abuse. Period.
Read, learn. instead of just writing self-justifying, guilt-removing tripe.

It's not about getting past judging. You would not for a minute write that we shouldn't judge whether a man chats with his wife about his anger or hits his wife to deal with it. Yet, it's okay, just another choice, not something to judge, when people do something demonstrably harmful to children. Human infants evolved to need their mothers. Attitudes expressed in your column and others indicate that this biological fact is considered a bothersome lie, not an inconvenient - for some - truth.

The NICHD data, though your paper skews it, shows demonstrably what Ainsworth and Bowlby showed, what Freud found, and what any person who actually does parent their child knows - being there matters. Mom is not a title, it's a series of actions. Infants and toddlers are psychologically, socially, intellectually, and physically harmed by more than 10 hours a week of separation from mom. Those are the facts. When you face them, you will understand the 'judgementalism' of people who abhor abuse of children. And day care, six months home with babies, 9 hours a day camps are abuse. Abuse. Period.
Read, learn. instead of just writing self-justifying, guilt-removing tripe.

It's not about getting past judging. You would not for a minute write that we shouldn't judge whether a man chats with his wife about his anger or hits his wife to deal with it. Yet, it's okay, just another choice, not something to judge, when people do something demonstrably harmful to children. Human infants evolved to need their mothers. Attitudes expressed in your column and others indicate that this biological fact is considered a bothersome lie, not an inconvenient - for some - truth.

The NICHD data, though your paper skews it, shows demonstrably what Ainsworth and Bowlby showed, what Freud found, and what any person who actually does parent their child knows - being there matters. Mom is not a title, it's a series of actions. Infants and toddlers are psychologically, socially, intellectually, and physically harmed by more than 10 hours a week of separation from mom. Those are the facts. When you face them, you will understand the 'judgementalism' of people who abhor abuse of children. And day care, six months home with babies, 9 hours a day camps are abuse. Abuse. Period.
Read, learn. instead of just writing self-justifying, guilt-removing tripe.

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