I don't know...but this is my nightmare. I feel "paranoid, guilty, unattractive and tired" enough just trying to prioritize my own life/needs versus my kids, let alone adding my mother into the mix. But I see it looming on the horizon.

Well, the first thing I would recommend is to get her mom in-state. If she's so seriously ill that her daughter needs to have such close contact on a weekly basis, then why leave her so far away? Sell the apartment, forward the mail, get copies of her medical records, transfer her to another nursing home, and point her towards some senior activity groups to make new friends.

Not only will the daughter's commute to see her mother be shorter, it'll blend in more seamlessly with the rest of her life (meet with doctors while doing errands, etc) and the grandmother can be a part of her family rather than just the annoyance who takes Mom away every week.

Stacey, I'm really hoping that the "getting nearly enough mom time to work on his fine motor skills, which are lagging" was the mom's concern, not your assessment of the son. Right?

If so, I think this is a good example of the impossible standards we hold ourselves to. This mom is doing the work of three people. And instead of giving herself credit for all she's accomplishing, all she can see is what she's not doing, where she thinks she's "letting people down."

When you are completely overwhelmed, the first thing to do is figure out what you can let slide for the time being. Personally, I would put "helping" a child develop fine motor skills in that category, unless there's a very serious problem. The next thing you need to do is ask for help -- what can other people do to take some of the burden? Maybe dad can sit down with the boy and do whatever exercises he's supposed to do (if he's not working while he's watching the kids, why couldn't he do this?). And couldn't MIL talk to dad? It's his mom, after all. And if dad's sulking and annoyance is part of the problem, then a long talk is in order.

Think of it this way: no business would ever run if the CEO or COO tried to do everything himself. And I doubt the COO feels guilty when he delegates tasks to his group, or decides that this issue should be handled in accounting instead of operations -- that's an expected part of his job.

Of course, with family you can't just fire someone who isn't doing the job. :-) But you can still negotiate it.

When I was in junior high and high school my grandmother, who lived 6 hours away in a neighboring state, was fading pretty badly, though not quickly. My mom was driving down and back every other weekend at least to visit and help take care of her. It was a huge strain on the entire family, especially my mom. Finally, my mom moved my grandmother up to live with us, and the change was remarkable. My grandmother, who was down to 80 lbs, and unable to get out of bed, soon gained 25 lbs. and was up and moving around again, although her range was still pretty limited. In addition to the health benefits for my grandmother, she also perked up substantially by being in a house full of people, instead depending on a home health aide as primary companionship. My sister and I had a chance to get to know her better than we ever had during the course of our visits over the years, and we learned all sorts of fascinating things about her early life that even my mom didn't know. Though my mom still had a lot to deal with, having my grandmother in the house as opposed to 6 hours away did a lot to lessen her stress. It wasn't easy having my grandmother living with us, but it was definitely the best choice for us. When my grandmother passed away we all felt sad, but we didn't feel guilty.

That's an excellent point about delegating and selectively letting things slide, Laura. I don't know what it is that makes us feel like the world will end if we let the PTO go on without us for a few months or tell the bake sale that we can't contribute this year or even make use of some of that hard-won FMLA time at work.

Last year a family friend found herself and her husband in the position they'd always dreamed of: their two children were grown and independent, they had a granddaughter they adored who lived just 20 minutes away, and their finances were in good order. They were discussing opening a business and making plans for retirement. Shortly thereafter her 90 year old mother's health declined precipitously and she moved in with them. Then their son's fiancee died suddenly and the son and adored granddaughter also moved in. Now our friend finds herself dealing with every kind of problem one experiences from age 5 to age 90 and holds herself responsible for keeping all of it running smoothly, along with the community projects she's got going. She's terrified of letting anything go but it's obvious she can't possibly keep all of it together indefinitely.

I agree with the others who said that moving the elderly parent closer would be a huge benefit. My elderly grandmother refused to move when her health turned bad, which was her choice, but she also had to deal with the fact that her kids simply didn't have the money to make numerous 3000 mile trips to look in on her.

Sometimes I think it would be helpful if parents and children would discuss these kinds of plans before their health goes bad. Since I'm an only child, I know my parents will move in with me (or at least near me) if I need to become more involved in their care, and this was something I discussed with my husband before we got married.

My thought is involve MIL. Ask her to come stay with the kids for a couple of days on a set schedule (once a month maybe), freeing Dad to return to work and Mom to deal with Gramma.

I really have never understood or held the "nuclear family" in much esteem. When my mom needs/wants to, she will live with my family ... like my grandma lived with her ... like my great-grandma lived with her. That's how it's been done for thousands of years in many cultures.

So, I have to agree with some of the PPs - why not move the mom in with the family, if the vice-versa isn't available. It's only a problem because we're making some huge spoiled-brat deal out of it - again, this is something that many cultures have been doing for generations without all the self-important angst we see today.

No helpful advice but this is a fine example of what happens when our economic measurements fail to take into account the work women do within the family. So-called "women's work" is vital to the functioning of the rest of our economy and we'd better start factoring it into our economic forecasts and equations because with an aging population, it's only going to get worse.

I am in a similar position to the one described in the article, but with this important difference: My mom (who is in the early stages of a dementia disorder) moved in with my "nuclear" family in October. Its not been perfect, or easy, but its so much better than what the article describes. We have five kids, ages 7 through 17, and all of us are dealing with, and learning from, the experience of having mom in the house. I work, but there is a senior citizens program up the street that Mom walks to each day. I will always be grateful to my husband for his generousity (he fixed up a bedroom for us in the atic, so mom can have the master bedroom, and barely complains about our having to share a bathroom with our teenage boys!) My children are learning compassion first-hand, and for the most part are gentle and loving with their grandmother. Mom is clearly benefitting from the activity and stimulation of our household. I don't see myself as having to "do it all." I'm just doing what I can, and trying to see the long term picture.

Amazing how one mother can raise 3 kids, but 3 kids can't take care of one mother.

My 94yo grandmother lives with my parents now. Her mother and mother-in-law lived with her while she had young kids (I'm named after my dad's two grandmothers) and my parents will live with me at some point (and probably my childless uncle too). Yes, my parents had more fun when it was just them, but this is just what one does when family gets older. My mother also had grandparents living with her family (of 10 kids) when she was a child.

If your older parents refuse to move closer to you, some times it helps to have a third party talk to them. My mother's a nurse and does this alot. Sometimes having a non-family member talk to the person can help them see the logic of the situation better than their child can.

My parents are really good to my grandmother, especially when she gets difficult (my dad takes after her, uh oh). I tease them all the time I'll not be so nice. There will be a double wide wheelchair in which they'll go on family outings and LIKE IT.

But our culture shuns talking about the need to "take care" of our parents (until very recently-we're just starting to deal with this). Its not something thats addressed, its not something most of us every think about, either because we ignore it because we don't want to think of our parents as "needy" or because we truly just never thought of it. That's why "kids can't take care of one mother." Where's the cultural infrastructure to help make that work?

Plus, has many people here have pointed out, they're attending to the needs of their own family as well. There's a fine art to balancing all those needs. Again, the cultural infrastructure is severely lacking in most cases.

Laura: Yes, the assessment of the son was his mom's, not mine.

I really have never understood or held the "nuclear family" in much esteem. When my mom needs/wants to, she will live with my family ... like my grandma lived with her ... like my great-grandma lived with her. That's how it's been done for thousands of years in many cultures.
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But the United States is not one of those cultures. Case closed.

Both my parents moved from farms to college to the city. My grandparents moved from east coast farms to west coast farms where land was available. My great grandparents moved from Europe to the US.

No older generation folks ever moved in with the younger generation in my family. Older siblings moved together and watched each other, but I've got cousins in Russia, China, Brazil, Los Angeles, and Rome. If my grandmother was still alive, which location would she choose? Stay on her farm or move to China to share an apartment with my cousin?

"I can feel his [the husband's] brain spewing out..." You both need to talk honestly about all aspects of the current situation and your feelings about it. Remember: you are not responsible for how you feel, only about how you act. Part of marriage is that each spouse gives 100% and burdens are shared, so if this is a time for personal sacrifice, then give thanks that you have the opportunity to really SHOW how much you love your spouse. Also, moving the elderly parent(s) much closer or even in with you if possible, as others have suggested, could relieve a large part of the burden.

"But the United States is not one of those cultures. Case closed."

Clearly NOT case closed, otherwise we wouldn't have the woe-is-me angst like in today's blog.

I am in a similar situation and would love to have my mother come live with us. But I am a single parent with a small home that barely holds my 5 year old and I let alone adding another adult. Neither my mother nor I or us combined could afford a larger home in this area that would hold the three of us.

I am living this story right now. I'm 25 years old and left graduate school 2 years ago when I found out that I was pregnant. I moved to New Orleans where my then-boyfriend's family is from. My mother who has early-onset Alzheimers refused to move to Louisiana from Florida to be with us. I let her stay in her apartment with a caregiver and my older brother. It was fine, I just flew in for Drs appts and financial affairs. Then, the caregiver quit. I moved back home with my one year old. Then my brother moved away leaving me, mom, and the baby. We've been gone now six months and fiancee is New Orleans has moved on. Got a new apartment and a new woman. As I went to collect my things this past weekend, he asked us to move back. Who am I more committed to? Mom? Or baby? Mom has lived her life. The baby needs her dad. The Sandwich Generation is tough. Particularly in light of changes to the nuclear family in the past 100 years. My parents are both immigrants, who later divorced and moved because of job offers. Thus, we ended up in Miami with no connections other than co-workers and friends. What would I give to have an aunt or cousin near by? At least in New Orleans where families run in Large, we'd have that opportunity. It's really a stress inducing conundrum..

I think proximity is probably very important. You can make your life easier by getting everybody with a 20-30 minute radius.

Knowing and spending time with a Grandparent is worth much more than hours spent improving fine-motor skills. Do you want your child to be dexterous with that video game comptroller, or to know and love their Grandparent?

I think that oversight of a failing parent is very important. Even those who are securely housed in nursing homes benefit from a family that turns up.

Your child will mimic what they see. Do you want to raise a child who sees that he/she is more important than Grandma or Grandpa?

Down the road do you want to be the aging parent of a child who doesn't visit or care for you because they did not learn to that this was the way we treat our families?

There is a balance to be found, but I do not think a parent needs to apologize for putting the care of their own parent above the enrichment of their children.

I don't have kids, but still relate all too well to this issue. My 80-year-old parents live 450 miles away in Ohio. Three years ago Dad had a stroke and is now paralyzed on one side, confined to a wheelchair. My diabetic, high-blood-pressured mother is his only caregiver. I worry about them constantly, but they refuse to allow anyone come in and help them. Their house is not accessible and way too much for Mom to take care of, but she refuses to allow anyone to help with the house, much less move to a smaller more accessible place, much less move closer to me or my brother. I find myself waiting for a phonecall that something terrible has happened, and feeling helpless to stop it. What do you do when Mom and Dad refuse to be helped?

I agree with some of the other posters that this woman's mother may indeed benefit from a move closer to this woman's family, if her other siblings aren't willing to make the commitment. I plan to somehow either move to be with my parents or bring them to my area when the time comes, as I know my sibling will not be of much assistance during that time. And yes, it will be a sandwich situation, but this is part of family responsibility. I will NOT allow my parents to be warehoused and feel forgotten. I will NOT allow them to go from this life alone. This is as serious a commitment as raising my son, and somehow, everything will get done. Wish I saw a little more support from this woman's other family members, but that seems to happen a lot these days.

"But the United States is not one of those cultures. Case closed."

Clearly NOT case closed, otherwise we wouldn't have the woe-is-me angst like in today's blog.
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Uhh, no. No, the reason this is an issue that bothers people is because in the US the kids move away from the grandparents and the nuclear family stays separated by generation. There is no communal house culture here. That's why the sandwich generation is a conundrum. I find the tired argument that in Europe and Asia no one moves out of their grandparent's farm to be a bit of wishful thinking. The fact is that independence of the older generation is a big factor in our culture.

My mother died in 2006. My father took loving care of her (just as she and he had taken care of his father). I had two teenagers to care for and a more than full-time job, so I visited and helped out when Mom and Dad would let me. I regret that I was not able to be there more often. UI will always regret it, so it got me to thinking about the inevitable -- who would take care of Dad when the time came?

Dad is on his own now and, thankfully, active and healthy, though we've had some emergencies, which required my driving three hours to get to him. That was excruciating. Our parents' ageing is part of life. It's unwise to ignore it, to not plan for it until we're confronted with the reality of it.

So, I have accepted the inevitable and incorporated it into my life plan. My dad is growing older and will require help at some point. I want to be able to provide as much support if needed. So, this year I am making significant life changes.

Now that my kids are older and away at school, I've decided to leave my corporate job and downsize my life, so that I am in the best, most convenient situation possible when my father needs me.

I'm moving closer to my father's home and will do work that is more flexible, less taxing, and -- yes -- less lucrative. And that's okay, because it works for me.

The decision really isn't just about taking care of my father. It's about my own values and how I choose to live my life. Having him part of that is a gift. I'm willing to make adjustments (as are my children) to make sure this works. I realize I'm lucky I am able to do so.

"Knowing and spending time with a Grandparent is worth much more than hours spent improving fine-motor skills"

YOu obviously don't have a child with fine motor problems. It affects a lot more than a video game controller! Try not being able to write your name ? Try not being able to hold food utensils easily or properly?

Such a cold statement.

Yet another reason to have kids younger. There would be no sandwich if the kids were grown and out of the house by the time grandma and grandpa needed help. I rarely see anyone bring that issue up in the debate of being older parents - but it's obviously a huge one!

People advocate getting everybody close. While I agree that is a desirable outcome, its not always possible. The aging parent might not want to move. In a couple, there might be two aging parents in different parts of the country. Who moves where? What happens if one or more don't want to move? My grandmothers were both ailing at the same time. Both felt like it was important to end their lives where they started them - one in CO in her own home, one in CA in an assisted living facility where some of her other friends had lived. What is a family to do in that situation? YOu can't move both places and you can't move an ailing, but otherwise mentally competent, adult against their will.

Age I think your only issue is allowing a person who can't make a solid commitment influence your priorities which REQUIRE solid commitment. A person can be an excellent father and still not live in the same house, or even same state, if they truly want to make that commitment.

You're not choosing between mom and child, you're choosing between stability or lack of it.

From the youngest side of the sandwich dilemma: My grandmother moved in with us when she could no longer take care of herself. I was in 8th grade, the only kid left in the house, and we all had to move from NY to DC suburbs. It was quite clearly a major stress on my parents to have to take care of an older and a younger generation at once, especially since Mom had a very different parenting style from her MIL. It was rough on me, too, since it shortened my fathers fuse with me, and put two sets of behavioral standards in the household. I don't think that there was a better option than having her live with us, but it was definitely NOT easy on anyone (including Granny, who had to create a new social life at 80, in a car-dependent area, and couldn't drive.)

Yet another reason to have kids younger. There would be no sandwich if the kids were grown and out of the house by the time grandma and grandpa needed help.
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You never knew anyone who had kids after their parent died from illness? That happened with both my grandfathers- they were dead from cancer by the time I was born.

"Yet another reason to have kids younger. There would be no sandwich if the kids were grown and out of the house by the time grandma and grandpa needed help. I rarely see anyone bring that issue up in the debate of being older parents - but it's obviously a huge one!"

That's just a wee bit unfair, no? My parents are in the whole sandwich situation right now, with a 15 and 21 year old at home. My parents adopted the youngest last year when my cousin (please don't get me started on her....) once again demonstrated her lack of parenting skills, and after a whole lot of messiness and legal wrangling, her daughter got herself emancipated and then adopted by my parents. They saw a kid they loved dearly in need and stepped in, and now find themselves caring for a teen girl (that understandably has some issues) and a very ill parent, my father's father, who before falling ill refused numerous attempts to move him closer to the rest of the family, get his legal affairs in order etc. Yes, my parents are both in their 50s, and believe me when I say they thought very long and hard about adding another kid at their age. But what do we keep saying here? Its family, you take care of family. My parents are doing that. Maybe its not how they envisioned this time in their lives, but they are doing what they feel is right. They didn't wait to have kids-one sort of just fell into them when they were a bit older.

Now, my grandfather is in long term care, mentally aware but unable to communicate, partially paralyzed, while my father and uncle engage in a whole lot of legal battling. I know my grandfather loves his house, the town he lives in, his friends, but part of this is HIS fault (sorry if I sound bitter). I know my father tried for years and years, from the time my grandfather had a minor stroke, to address these issues. But my grandfather is a stubborn man. Even without the added stress of a high schooler at home, these are still issues that would cause any child to want to tear their hair out when it comes to their parents.

i find the comment about "warehousing" their parents very insulting along the same lines as assuming day care is "warehousing". my mother was in a great facility. there were people there who knew the proper way to pick her up and move her without hurting her. while family can be loving & well meaning they can also be incredibly ignorant on how to care for somebody who is frail.

My mom passed away in FL (we're in MD) in 2003 - and I think about my dad's situation all the time. Thankfully, although 82 years old, he is in excellent health and still has his own place - as well as a devoted lady friend.

But sooner or later things (i.e. his health) will change... what do I do then? He's happy in FL and could not return to a cold climate, and I am not in a position to relocate. The whole subject makes me so nervous. He does not share his feelings much, but I really feel that the next time I see him we have to discuss this. (Not a subject I want to tackle over the phone.)

There are a lot of assumptions going on. 1. That the aging parent will agree to move. Medical problems do not always mean mental incapacity 2. That there is an acceptable (location, religious affiliation, medical treatment availability) facility or apt. to move in to. 3. WIll the spouse agree to moving the parent into the home? Sometimes the spouse and the parent do not get along either 4. What if the in-laws themselves are elderly and/or not local.

It's true that having kids younger might alleviate this situation. However life partners are not always found when we are conveniently young.

"But the United States is not one of those cultures. Case closed."

Nah- I know lots and lots of people who had grandparents live with them. Or at least move to be closer to their kids. It's a lot more common than you think. I don't consider the idea of taking care of my parents to be a burden- it's just one of the things I'm supposed to do.

"Knowing and spending time with a Grandparent is worth much more than hours spent improving fine-motor skills"

Early intervention works best and problems with fine motor skills in young child can be huge red flag to other development issues ... not to add to her guilt, but there's window of opportunity to best address it...poor handwriting has been linked to behavior problems. But she's not the only one who has to help him work on it... prioritizing, delegating, hiring a mother's helper...she needs to figure out what she has to do and what other human beings can do for her.
(And yes, the comment about video games was insensitive/ignorant/judgmental and especially annoying to those of us dealing with very real developmental problems in our kids.)

"But the United States is not one of those cultures. Case closed."

Nah- I know lots and lots of people who had grandparents live with them.
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I say this because I can honestly say that I know only one case where a grandparent came to live with their child's family. And I'm 40. Everyone I knew dealt with the Mom or Pop who had their own life, own friends, and refused to move.

"I say this because I can honestly say that I know only one case where a grandparent came to live with their child's family. And I'm 40. Everyone I knew dealt with the Mom or Pop who had their own life, own friends, and refused to move."

Well, then maybe you just need to meet more people ... this really reminds me of the "gee, everyone *I* know voted for Dewey!!" story