I think my stepchildren are too little to confront racial issues. My stepson goes to a school in which the bulk(all but 1) of his classmates have hispanic surnames so I am assuming(perhaps incorrectly since I haven't met his classmates) that he has yet to hang out much with other races and deal with any inappropriate remarks.

When I am out with my husband and stepchildren, I am the one that probably feels a little out of step since I look like the adopted one. I have had a few people ask me if the children are mine but otherwise nothing has been said about the difference in looks nor the fact that I speak to them in English and Spanish. I got the odd weird look when someone overhears the children speak to me in Spanish.

My husband and I have spoken about adoption and would likely adopt from a Hispanic country if we decided to adopt. Both of us feel that it is important that we can connect to the child on a cultural basis. Even I, who grew up in a culture similar to the United States will sometimes feel out of step with the feelings/thoughts of other Americans. If we don't come from the same cultural background as our child, how can we provide everything the child needs to feel connected to us and the culture in which he/she finds herself.

But do I think that transracial adoptions should be stopped? Absolutely not. I feel it is much more important that a child be raised in a loving home than have the child languish unadopted because parents with similiar backgrounds are not available.

I agree with the findings only in the sense that I think it would be very important for parents who adopt a child of a different race to expose the child to role models sharing his/her race and instill pride in the child about his/her race. And, I think, most parents in multi-cultural families are doing that. 10 hours of pre-adoption training that address multi-cultural issues is probably not enough.

"The idea of being color-blind is great, and we'd all like to get there"

What a load of crap! Take it from a person who has to live with the disability, *NOBODY* wants to be blind in any way, shape or form. Nobody!

What are we going to do when the day comes where there are so many inter-racial marriages that there really isn't any black or white anymore? It's difficult to explain why race matters to my children when race just doesn't matter to me. Are we still so far from the concept that children should be judged by the content of their character, not the color of their skin?

Which is better for the child: to be adopted into a home of loving, nurturing people from another "race", or to be raised to adulthood in foster homes run by people of the same "race"?

Which is better for the child: to be adopted at age 2 by loving, nurturing people from another "race", or to be raised in foster homes until age 8, hoping a family of the child's own "race" shows up looking to adopt this child?

Where's the cut-off point? At what point do we as a society say "it's better to give this child to a couple now than to wait X months/Y years hoping a couple of the child's own "race" will come along." What values of X and Y are acceptable?

One of my first cousins is adopted from Korea well before the new laws were introduced. Unfortunately, even though the family and close friends of the family were too happy about the new addition to care about race, others in the community (primarily white) did have things to say which were sometimes just curious and sometimes just rude. My cousin is now in his mid 20s and survived all of it just fine, but it took some time to get there. I keep praying for the day when we are all judged by the content of our character (we're getting closer), but we are just not there yet.

BUT, I am all for interracial adoptions, marriages, friendships, etc. We'll definitely get to the "content of character" faster if all races mix and we truly become a melting pot.

As someone who researched adoption...

Adopting a child is not easy, regardless of race and circumstance. It can be expensive (unless you go through a foster to adopt program), and emotionally draining. The process can take months (rarely) or years (often). And then there's the financial and emotional cost of parenting for the next 70 years.

Parents who choose to adopt have thought about the impact on their family, and how they can raise a happy, healthy child. And that includes, for many families, preparing for crazy and often inappropriate comments from strangers (or sometimes family friends).

Do I think 10 hours of pre-adoption training is enough? Probably not. Do I think it would be great if adoption agencies and foster care agencies offered some ongoing support, even if it was just a support group of other families in similar circumstances? Sure. But fortunately for today's adoptive parents, you can find your own community. The internet is filled with parenting groups aimed at families who've adopted from different races, nations, etc. You can find someone whose beautiful mixed race child is a few years older than yours, and ask how they responded when other kids at kindergarten said xyz.

I think all parents want to raise their children to be proud of the person they are. And for most of us that includes our cultural heritage - look at all the 5th generation Americans who identify as Italian-American. We need to give our children their cultural identity, and let them decide how it fits into their individual identity. I hope every potential parent who is willing to go through the effort of adopting (and I'm assuming a screening process that weeds out the abusers, etc.) is given the chance to love and raise a child, regardless of race.

I know a white family that adopted black ( and white) children). One of the black kids committed suiside when he was 16. the family loved him so much, but I think the kid felt very torn about things, very confused about his identity. It's so hard. They miss him so much. We keep hearing the race doesn't matter, but for too many things it does (whom should a black kid raised in a white family date?) I know the parents did their best, but I wonder if things would have been different if they had perhaps involved themselves in more "black culture" stuff-- like attending a black church? See I think the idea of a "black church" is absurd, but they live in the South and it is reality. But would the whole family go, or just the black kids? It may not have made any difference, but we miss him and wonder what could have beeen differently. But we don't talk about it. It's too painful-- would sound like we are judging or something-- plus it acknowledges the racism in our society and sometimes you wonder whether talking about this stuff will really make things better especially as we want to sheild our children from it. Keep quiet about it, maybe the thing goes away? Talking about it is what keeps it going? I don't know.

Transracial adoption is nothing new in this country. Actually addressing children's questions and feelings about it may be new.

Certainly10 hours of training is not enough but at least it is a start. Like a previous poster said, the age of the internet is very helpful to adoptive parents and eventually to adoptees themselves.

I certainly think a loving stable home is better then no home. But I would say that about one parent, two parent, gay or straight, religious or non religious, white or black or whatever. The fundamental thing that creates happy healthy kids is having a loving and stable home.

But all things being equal, if there are two couples with equal creditials, should a child be placed in the same race family? Probably so. But the reality is that there are not enough minority families that want to adopt children. I am not sure why this is true. I doubt they have lower infertility rates as whites. Maybe socioeconomic or cultural issues prevent such adoptions.

But children should not be bounced from foster home to foster home or languish in a third world orphange rather then being raised by a loving stable and willing anglo household.

Yes, they will have identity issues and face a host of other questions. But with a proper education, role models, and love, a lot of them will work out.

We keep hearing the race doesn't matter, but for too many things it does (whom should a black kid raised in a white family date?)

Posted by: g6 | June 12, 2008 10:14 AM

Whomever he or she wants. Who ever said there's no such thing as a stupid question?

Look, people have been making dumb comments to people since time immemorial. My wife has been asked where her kids' mother was, etc. Is it really necessary to make such a huge issue of it?

We're never going to get to a post-racial society if every damn thing in it is based on race. Heck, I got a survey in the mail about bus service the other day that asked my race. Does my race really make such a difference in my bus-riding?

I think we'd all be better of if we had a little less outrage, and a little more patience.

Why is it so important that things are race based? And why is it always white vs. black? I think that I see a reverse racial thing going on here.

Here's a tip. If you don't want white people adopting black children, then black people should adopt them their selves.

I guess we are still free to adopt asians and hispanics though.

the interesting thing would be a study -- do blacks adopt white children? is that even an option in our system in the united states? i would venture to guess that a black family would not be able to adopt a white child in the u.s....so the debate is very one-sided.

My SD doesn't look like me, but no one asks if she is mine. They tell me "your daughter is so pretty/smart/funny." I guess it's the benefit of living on the coast.

I was raised alongside two Korean boys who had been adopted into a white family, and I know it was VERY hard for them because their parents kept telling them how LUCKY they were to be in America, and not in their god-forsaken country of origin, and their identity concerns were always shot down as ungrateful. I think education is definitely important for parents who want to adopt a child not of their race.

Of course, I have to wonder what would happen if my husband and I (Asian and white, respectively) wanted to adopt an Asian child. Would I have to go through training even though I've been living in Asian communities for 9 years and raising an Asian child, or would the social workers be able to use discretion?

On the other hand, in our very Asian community, there are no Asian children up for adoption. Adoption is handled within the community, and usually a child goes from parents to uncles/aunts/grandparents immediately if something goes wrong.

the problem is NOT the family doing the adopting, it's society.

the problem is NOT the family doing the adopting, it's society.

No, it is the black society.

"Whomever he or she wants. Who ever said there's no such thing as a stupid question?"

You know, that is easy for you to say, but are you a young black kid attending a school filled with white kids-- whose parents do not want you to date their kids? I guess you think such problesm are stupid. But the reality is that there is racism and it hurts these kids. Denial about the problem is truely stupid.

Kat- yes, you would still have to go through training to adopt an Asian child, even though you're famililar with Asian culture. As an Asian adoptee who is also adopting an Asian child, I still have to do the same thing as other adoptive families, though obviously I have a much different experience with racial issues that the non-Asian families do. However, you also have to take training on how to deal with the adoption itself overall, not just from a racial perspective.

G6 sez:

whom should a black kid raised in a white family date?

Cap'n Obvious replies:

Whomever they want to! Barring obvious hurdles of consent and legal suitability(you know age restrictions and creepy teachers and all), whomever said black kid finds attractive and can get to agree to a date.

Cap'n Obvious flies away

unassuming regular guy steps into picture

As for the rest of your concerns, black churches and all, once kids are old enough to really participate and understand worship services, take 'em to a few! A Catholic, an Assemblies of God, an Eastern Orthodox, a 'black church,' a 'white bread' Baptist or non-denominational church, a decent selection from what isn't regular that will still meet the criteria your family holds for acceptable beliefs (maybe mosques or synagogues, depends on what the family can honestly present to the kid as alternatives that they support). If any family members wish to alter their worship habits and can give an acceptable explanation for the preference(not just 'cause the service is shorter), see what accommodations can be made for the family to each practice as they prefer sometimes.

Take the family to restaurants of various ethnicities, check out the Cinco de Mayo parade! Expose the whole family to the richness of other cultures, no matter what your ethnic mix or lack thereof. These are just good things to do for all families, not just households with different race adoptions. Older children can thus be exposed to these other cultures and choose to embrace some aspects they find appealing. If the different race adoptee is hurting for similar appearing peers and mentors, this exposure can help bring out those concerns, and shouldn't hurt anyone no matter what race. Exposure and support of healthy connections should be the parent's responsibility, but they should not be encouraged to falsely practice something like divine worship just for the sake of helping the kid culturally. The kid will know they're faking it and that won't be good at all.

G6, this is not to say that any of the above would necessarily have prevented the tragedy of the young man's early departure. For that loss all have my deepest condolences. The prior suggestions are general ones to address your follow-up concerns and are not meant to in any way try to dictate what should or should not have been done to help the young man in question.

You know, that is easy for you to say, but are you a young black kid attending a school filled with white kids-- whose parents do not want you to date their kids? I guess you think such problesm are stupid. But the reality is that there is racism and it hurts these kids. Denial about the problem is truely stupid.

Posted by: to Bob | June 12, 2008 11:21 AM

What year is this? 1940?

I see multiracial couples all the time. Maybe it's YOUR worldview that needs readjustment? You sound like you are stuck in the past.

"I guess you think such problesm are stupid. But the reality is that there is racism and it hurts these kids. Denial about the problem is truely stupid."

Learn how to spell!!

Billie

"I think my stepchildren are too little to confront racial issues."

Are you still with that loser? No one can abuse you without your permission!. What are you thinking?

I am so concerned about this topic for a myriad of reasons. I have three granddaughters - one hers (12), one adopted (3) [because they thought they would never have "theirs], and theirs (15 months). These girls could not look more different. One olive, one tawny, one stark white. Add to this mix the fact that this is an interracial marriage and the issues seem enormous. I personally have already experienced the looks and questions about the youngest two when I was out alone shopping with them. Are they sisters? Yes, they are and that is all I ever intend to say. What will society do to these precious children? I've seen the looks. Saw them before the youngest two were in the mix when my oldest granddaughter was an infant/toddler. I so thought/hoped/prayed that we were past this. I pray that my son and daughter-in-law have the fortitude and good sense to insulate these girls from the worst that society can dish out. I'll do everything in my power to help. Reading this blog certainly is enlightening - and sometimes troubling -- to a boomer grandmother.

Well, I am bi-racial. I happened to have married a man who the census identifies as White. Our kids are two different skin tones, one slightly darker than the other. I have been researching the issue of transracial adoption since the late 1980s. This group quoted above is very similar and not saying anything different from the National Association of Black Social Workers who tried for years to restrict transracial adoptions. I think the arguments put forth in this study and in previous studies are racist and troubling. I find it hard to believe that anyone can truly believe that race defines good parenting. My mother was an excellent mother to me even though are skin colors were not the same. This kind of stuff just drives me crazy. When there are so many kids out there not being adopted at all, why make it harder?

What was I thinking? I was thinking that I had a husband that I still loved and at least one stepchild that occasionally calls me Momma and adores me. At the very least, I owed it to that child to make another stab at it and give it one last shot. Even if they aren't biologically my children, they are children and my actions have significant impact on them.

So I sat down one last time and told my husband that if he wanted to try to save the marriage this was what it was going to take. I apologized that it might sound unreasonable but this is what happens when trust was broken. He could chose to do what needed to be done or we could terminate the marriage. We negotiated a bit and came up with what was considered acceptable 'rules' for lack of a better word.

And to give him credit, he has seemed to step up to the plate and abide by the changes we decided on. Not every day has been perfect but I can see that he is making a huge effort to improve things. I also decided that working 60 hours a week was not conducive to the changes(and his new job helps our bank account more) so I have reduced my hours. Already that has been a huge help in my own attitude as I am not continually tired.

I can't say what the future will bring but I feel hopeful that the future is bright.

BTW, to the commenter who stated that black families can't adopt white children in the US--that is wrong. There have defintely been black families and interracial families that have adopted white children.

I've seen the looks. Saw them before the youngest two were in the mix when my oldest granddaughter was an infant/toddler. I so thought/hoped/prayed that we were past this. I pray that my son and daughter-in-law have the fortitude and good sense to insulate these girls from the worst that society can dish out. I'll do everything in my power to help. Reading this blog certainly is enlightening - and sometimes troubling -- to a boomer grandmother.

Posted by: RPStew | June 12, 2008 12:31 PM

Can we please put this into perspective? All of this praying, hand-wringing, "the worst society can dish out" over, what, "looks"?

Personally, I think it's nothing short of a miracle how far this nation has come in just 50 years. Do you realize that in your time, we would be talking about such things as cross-burnings, death threats, etc.?

For all you know those "looks" could have been because the kids were acting like maniacs, or perhaps you misinterpreted "staring off into space" as some type of "look".

Puh-leeze.

that should be spelled definitely. Sorry I thought I caught that on the editing screen before it posted.

"I pray that my son and daughter-in-law have the fortitude and good sense to insulate these girls from the worst that society can dish out."

How?

"I'll do everything in my power to help."

Such as?

I don't think things should be made harder-- I think there should be more support and advice -- and "real world" warnings about what they parents and kids will be up against. People who adopt outside their race have to be made aware that the rest of the world isn't as openminded and open hearted as they are and given the skills to teach their kids this very painful lesson in a way that isn't damaging Hope there is a way-- how does anyone teach their kids about this stuff?

Too frequently this blog and the On Parenting blog disintegrate into nastiness because someone gives what they feel is their honest opinion about the subject of the day. Seems like today is the day for Bob and the anonymous poster to hurl at me. Unfortunately I haven't perfected mind reading yet Bob, I do, however, strongly endorse giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. Having said that, however, experience has to count for something. And I believe I know a questioning look when I see one. I also recognize a look of disgust leveled against someone who is misbehaving and can tell the difference between the two. Believe me when I say that I do not wear my color on my sleeve. I wasn't raised that way and didn't raise my child that way. My race is just one more descriptive adjective. I also am not the hand wringing, drop to your knees, surrender everything to someone else (even a higher authority) type. I do, however, believe that hard work and education, coupled with prayer can bring about change. I expect to continue to do those things. Yes there have been significant changes in the 50+ years that I have lived. Does that mean that there isn't a need for more? I don't think we've achieved perfection quite yet. If we have then there would be no need for the subject matter of this blog today. And to the poster with no name - Insofar as doing everything within my power is concerned -- I plan to be the very best grandmother I can be. To answer questions honestly, to prop up self-esteem, and to be as loving and supportive of all of the interests that each of these children might have. I plan to put my two cents in whenever I think it can help and to keep my mouth shut when it won't. I plan to let each girl know how important she is to the fiber of the entire family in her own special way and that with enough effort there is nothing that she cannot achieve. Would that constitute support in your mind?

It's interesting when we discuss interracial adoption within this country versus outside the borders.

I am white, if I adopted a child from Eithopia, no one would think for a moment that the child is not living a better life because of the adoption. However, if I adopted an Afterican-American child, I would probably be second-guessed quite a bit.

We really really need to figure out what "the best interests of the child" are. I think there are some obvious advantages to a successful same race adoption, but if the alternative is to let the child languish in foster care for years or even one extra year, how in the world can you say you have the best interests of the child at heart?

I think a great deal of success of life is determined when you are young - exposure to books and reading, good nutrition, and a stable home life. If identity issues come up later in life, teen years, etc., I am sure we can find an army of therapists to help the kids. You can't easily re-do/make up for a crappy early childhood base.

Robin

Coping with being "different?" Puh-leeze.

I come from a family that looks VERY ethnic. Swarthy, straight jet-black hair, dark-brown eyes. Then there's me, the genetic exception. Lily-white skin, curly light-brown-red hair, blue eyes. You bet when I was a kid I had to SNIFF "cope" SNIFF with looking different SNIFF from my entire family. But I got over it lol. There are no hard and fast rules in the genetic lottery - I happened to inherit a whole bunch of recessive genes, it happens. It's pretty pathetic that we're navel-gazing over this ......

the problem is NOT the family doing the adopting, it's society.

No, it is the black society.

Posted by: | June 12, 2008 11:19 AM

**********

if it were THAT simple then the problem could be solved

What's wrong with "color-blind adoptions"? It was demonstrated in the 1970's-1980's sitcoms that a multi-racial family can be very happy. The youngest, cutest can have a catch phrase that everyone laughs at no matter how many times they say it. But care must be taken to give the children the psychological support that they need so that they don't grow up to take drugs, rob convenience stores or assault people who want them to repeat the catch phrase when they become adults.

Raising children always presents challenges. Developing a positive racial identity is just one of them. Knowing you are loved just as you are and part of a family that cares sets a solid groundwork for answering the universal question "Who am I."

Just in case anyone reads this comment (as this story is already a week old), racism DOES INDEED still exist in this country. YES we have come very very far, but yes we need to go much, much farther. If we do not have the courage to talk about today's shame (and not just talk about how far we have come), we'll never actually get beyond it.

I live in liberal, progressive, Portland Oregon where most white people are stuck in the white guilt stage of cultural competency development. I am white. My husband is black, and our child is biracial. Our other racially mixed family friends experience the same ignorance that we do on a daily basis. People are constantly assuming that moms of color are the nannies for their whiter colored children. These people are frequently mortified when moms of color breast feed their white babies. Likewise, white moms breast feeding their black babies get the same treatment and type of comment/sneer ......"Oh, I didn't know she was YOURS" said with a roll of the eyes and a sneer.

How often does my husband get treated poorly when he's alone, and is treated with respect when he's with me? (My presence makes him less of a "scary black man)." And no, this is not paranoia.

You have no idea what the experience is if you are a white man, because you are not treated this way EVER. To disbelieve that this happens and to argue about another's experience is to DENY that person's experience. Denying a person's experience implicitly implies that you (the white person) is right and they (person of color saying things you don;t want to hear) are "problems, just seeing things, etc." That's pretty disrespectful.

And by the way, saying that white men do not understand the experience of people of color (when they don't listen and try to understand) is NOT to say that white men are generally racist or bad people. But it IS saying that your place of privilege makes it harder for you to listen....because you don't HAVE to listen to get by in this world.

How many parents would support their white daughters dating black men? VERY FEW. This is a statistical reality. YES, things are much better now. YES there are more racially mixed families now, and yes we have always existed throughout the history of our nation. But our families are still a statisitcal anomaly.

We will never become post racial until people are able to get past the first stages of cultural competency development. For whites, it boils down to the following (there are also stages for people of color to work through):

Stage one: it doesn't matter what color you are, black brown white or purple. (In fact, yes it does matter. To deny this fact is to deny that person and his/her experience of this world. In a racially mixed family, each person's experience of the world is fundamentally different).

Stage 2: "I don't want to think about this anymore, it's too icky and anyway, things are a lot better than before." But they seriously need to get better and you have a responsibility to educate yourself about the reality of TODAY.

Stage 3 (white guilt stage): " I (white person) am a good person, and that means I'll adopt lots of kids of color and have lots of friends of color and marry interracially and if I have white kids, I'Il give them names like "Javier." Unfortunately, there are a lot of well meaning people in this stage. This is STILL not relating to a person as an INDIVIDUAL, but as a COLOR. Not yet post racial here, even though it may look like it from the outside.

Stage 4, 5 and 6 is about becoming post racial.

So going back to adopting transracially. This is something I absolutely support, but parents who have not clearly worked through the first couple of stages are not fit to parent transracially. They may be fit to parent. They may be wonderful parents to kids that look like them. But refusing to acknowledge racism and deal with this realty in an honest and transparent way HARMS kids. Ignorant (though well meaning) white parents are just NOT ABLE to give their kids the necessary coping skills to deal with the realities of how they are treated in this world. They can certainly learn to develop these skills. Everyone can learn this, but it will take a lot more than a 10 hour adoptive parenting session to get there.