As much grief as my husband gets for not helping around the house as much as I would like, he does a LOT. He is gets the kids up, dressed, and to school everyday, does all the dishes because I like to cook, and fully participates in parenting decisions. He could do more around the house, but there are also many ways that I could be better too!

Burke Mom, we may be married to the same man!

I definitely do more than my husband, but I couldn't do it without him. He's always willing to help, which is more than half the battle according to many of the moms I speak with. I just need to get better with asking for help instead of getting mad about him not intuiting that I could use a hand . . .

We envisioned ourselves with a 50/50 split, meaning a 30-hour workweek for each of us. Reality set in, however: someone needs to work 40 hours/week in order for the family to have health insurance. Thus one of us works 40 hours and one works 20 hours, with the part-timer naturally being the one who takes on more family and household responsibilities.

When my son was 3 yo he said "I want to be a mom when I grow up, cause mom gets to drive!". True, I love driving, and my DH doesn't. Plus, he is 20 years older, so he already had his extra 20 years of driving. I'll trade it for cleaning bathrooms anytime.

Both parents work about 30 hours a week?

???

???

I didn't read the article, but... if you're a consultant then that is probably doable, but you can't survive working 30 hours per week for a company, they wouldn't give you benefits.

DCer, at my firm, we give benefits to anyone who works more than 25 hours/week.

I think I would consider my husband more than a part time helper but less than a full time helper.

I think the distinction is that a full time partner steers the direction of the marriage as fully as the other person. A helper, may be involved in any decision making needed but doesn't participate as fully in deciding what decisions need to be made.

My husband definitely pitches in and does a lot of the housework. What he doesn't participate in as much is direction. I am responsible for finances and making sure that all the bills get paid. He has no idea how much money is in the bank or where it goes unless I tell him and doesn't care. He doesn't deal with any administration issues such as health insurance, car repairs/insurance, the pets, issues with the house(except to help make repairs), doctor's appts, things we need for the house, getting the books back to the library on time and so on and so forth. If I ask him to do some of these things, he will do them but he doesn't keep track of the fact that they need be done.

When we make big decisions like... what kind of car should we buy - it is joint but I think I directed it more. First I made the decision on how much of a car payment we could afford and where to get the loan. Then he made suggestions on what kind of car he would like - style, colour, features, models. I did the bulk of the research on what cars fit his(and mine) features within our price range. From there, we made a decision with his preference getting weight (my preference getting weight next time). So yes... we made the decision together but I ended up in the role of pulling it all together.

ARGH... my proof reading skills are terrible!

I meant more than a part time helper but less than a full time PARTNER.

DCer, at my firm, we give benefits to anyone who works more than 25 hours/week.
---------------

Where I've worked, pretty consistently, the cut-off has been 32 hours per week averaged over the year. Which allowed some people to go part time in the summers if they were full time during the school years. But I have never heard of a firm offering benefits under 32 hours per week.

My husband really has it together on the parenting/emotional/caring front.

He is the best natural parent with our son, kind and gentle but also full-loving and able to let things slide around him and really sit down to play trains or paint. He steps in with ease. I can walk away any time and know my son is in great hands.

I totally separate this out from chores, where my husband definitely does fall down. That's one thing that amused me about the "equal parenting" articles - a lot of it was about equal housework.

DCer,

Your experience is less than comprehensive. I've worked for at least three organizations that provided benefits for anyone working more than 20 hours per week.

I think 50 / 50 parenting in a marriage is a worthy goal, but for some of us, not only is it a bad idea, it's impossible. There is a whole list of things I just can't do, and as for Ms Lion, there is a list of things she doesn't want to do, so why should she?

Even though I live in an area that is quite liberal and the people talk about 50 / 50 relationships, there is one chore that is left up to the man. the lawn mowing chore remains up to the husband. No self-respecting guy where I live would ever let his neighbors catch his wife push a mower. When this hhappens, the wife catches a lot of flack for having a lazy husband, unless of course, the guy is disabled.

Dandy, my husband would L.O.V.E. it if I would mow the lawn. My best offer to him so far has been to research a lawn service. I loathe mowing the lawn. Meanwhile, he counts the days/years until our son and daughter will be able to do it.

I would love to do the lawnmowing and some of the other yard work that my husband has taken upon himself to do. But, to do so would mean him constantly watching over me to make sure that the proper blade length is being used and I'm mowing in the way HE would like it. He knows it too.

In our house, it def is not 50-50 but close. Where the kid is concerned, I am still the one that shops/plans for meals, picks out/buys/sorts/cycles in and out the clothes, chooses and pays babysitters, makes sure the medicines are taken, plan/attend playgroups, etc. All the little things which he doesn't think about and which add up quickly.

DH has been the SAHP for over 16 years. He's good at it! No specific task or responsibility is 50/50, but I think overall our marriage balances out pretty evenly.

All the little things which he doesn't think about and which add up quickly. - JS

I think this sums up the difference when it comes to the things we take care of whether it is the house, our lives or the children.

In general, I am the person that remembers all the little things that need to be dealt with. And these little things may not be much but it can turn into a lot of stuff that needs to be remembered. This is where I think the distinction between partner and helper can come into play. If I am doing all the little things that make our life tick over then sometimes I feel like I have a helper more than a partner.

I do mow the lawn in our house. No one's died of mortification yet. :)

I think it is always trouble when you start keeping score. Over time, hopefully the relationship will work out around 50-50, but sometimes it is 80-20 sometimes it is 20-80, that's what a partnership is. If you are attentive and love the person, then you know when things aren't even and you don't take advantage of the other person's giving. It seems to me that this is indicative of people who don't want to give one bit more than they have to. If you both treat the other person like you love them, then it will all work out.

Prior to kids we were 50/50, did everything together, even. When our first was born for everything other than nursing we took turns by days. He did everything one day, I did everything the next. That went on for a few years, but six years later when our third was born, we relaxed and are now pretty much 50/50 again, but we don't do everything together and have sort of migrated to "his jobs and her jobs". He does most of the pool stuff with the exception of the solar panels, I do the garden, a service does the lawn. Everyone does their own laundry, everyone takes turns cooking and cleaning up. Everyt three weeks a cleaner comes in and scrubs.

"I do mow the lawn in our house. No one's died of mortification yet. :) "

I would be, letting a women mow a yard is like letting her wash your car. just asking for bad things.

"For the Vachons, one parent washes the white clothes and the others the darks"

Marc, sorry about the losss of your testicles...........

I think the "equal" thing people get too hung up on. It should much more be "what works and makes us happy."

I think the 50/50 split would work if it was something both people hated but had to get done. Otherwise- I'm perfectly fine with my cooking almost every night and him cleaning up the kitchen almost every night. He drives, I navigate.

Also might be better if people really took a good look at these sorts of things before making a commitment- I know way too many people who whine about their partners lack of responsibility. They've never changed- it's the partner who wants them to change.

My husband and I are raising our 3 year old Grandson as his parents are unable to do so. My husband has done night feedings, diaper duty, baths and now potty training.

There are not too many like him out there.

We pretty much share stuff at this stage in our lives. I think our Grandson could not be more lucky!

"Also might be better if people really took a good look at these sorts of things before making a commitment- I know way too many people who whine about their partners lack of responsibility. They've never changed- it's the partner who wants them to change."

This is a great point. Too many (women) usually think magically their partner will somehow grow to love housework and want to spend their free time doing it. Ladies, it ain't gonna change, accept it.

"Your experience is less than comprehensive."

Geez, mean much?

It is also MY experience that the majority of companies do not offer benefits for part time work. Part time defined as less than 30 hours per week.

Not that it matters what anyone else might think or say on this blog - you people are way too nasty to each other.

I really don't get it. What is the problem with women mowing?

I mean, our mower weighs less than 25 lbs, since I can pick it up and load it in the car to take it in for repairs, certainly I can push it around the yard for ten minutes.

Of course, this year older son is big enough to do the mowing and earn a little spending money, so I haven't mowed, but why would it be an embarrassment to *anyone* when I did in previous years?

I'm missing something, and I just don't have a clue what it could be?

I can push it around the yard for ten minutes.

that's the problem, if mowing the yard is just "pushing it around for ten minutes", you won't understand. Much like someone saying to a chef, "Hey I can throw vegetables into a pot, what's the big deal?"

a man who makes his wife mow, is a piece of crap IMO

My DH does all the cooking.
I do the mowing because HE would just push it around for 10 minutes...no need for the rampant sexism.

Not that it matters what anyone else might think or say on this blog - you people are way too nasty to each other.

Posted by: anon because you people are meanies | June 13, 2008 3:22 PM

Hey little kitten, stay away from on balance, they are meanies and eat little pussycats like you for snacks..... scary!scary!

And just what is wrong with pushing the mower around for ten minutes? My yard is about 15 by 25 feet - if it took me any longer than that, then I'd be doing something wrong, or I'd have to claim (falsely) that I was aflicted with a physical disability.

There's something unstated here - it must seem really obvious to the anti-"just pushing around for ten minutes" posters, but until somebody can articulate it, it won't be obvious to me.

So, I'm asking again - explain what I'm missing, please?
(And I don't even care if your tone remains like you're talking to a mentally-challenged pre-schooler. Although, if you can't articulate whatever-it-is in clear, simple English sentences, I'm going to suspect that it's *you* who has the mental challenges.)

you are not scary, you are just a jerk.

Sue, I love lawns and love my yard, but like you bought a townhouse with a small 15x25 ft yard.

as a suburbanite throughout my teens who mowed lawns as a small company, I will say this: people who are wound too tightly over their yard are either:
1. doing yardwork (or gardening) to avoid their family
2. bored with their chosen career and are taking out their need for fulfillment on their poor yard

There is nothing wrong with pushing the mower around for 10 minutes. No suburbanite I'd ever want to live next to would disagree.

Martin Luther King Jr didn't spend all his time on his lawn, and doing so will pretty much guarantee you that you'll never end up with your face on a coin.

Hey Sue,

Sounds like your yard is pretty small and you probably don't have too many obstacles to go around or much edging to do. In general, for grass to thrive, it should not be cut in the same pattern over and over again, which is exactly what my DH would do. He does do the edging, though, because he likes the string trimmer...

Oh, goodness! I get it now! It's about the quality and appearance of the lawn and yard after the task is finished. I thought the complainers might be implying that mowing is too strenuous for a weak and fragile female - which was the reason I mentioned *me* taking the mower in for service. The outside of the house is my domain, and the inside is DH's.

You'd really hate to see the job DH does on the lawn. He's almost as bad as older son. Running over the stone edgings of the flower and vegetable beds doing awful things to the mower blades, missing strips of grass in the middle of the yard...

I'm the only one in the family who's allowed to touch *my* string trimmer. I don't want my flowers mangled, and I want the edges neat! I can easily clean up the mistakes the boy leaves without hurting his feelings, now that he's convinced to stay at least six inches away from the edges.

Honestly, I'm not that compulsive about having a perfect lawn, but I'm sooooo much better than anyone else in the family. Left to DH and son, the lawn would only get mowed when the city of Oakland cited us for the overgrown weeds.

And with mandatory water rationing this summer, in the fall I'm finally going to get to remove whatever front lawn survives the drought, and put in my dream Mediterranean and cacti garden. Who knows, I might even get a drip irrigation system for the rest of my plantings that wouldn't survive our dry summers without my supplimental hand watering.

You folks who think a woman can't do a better job at yard work than a man, really need to meet DH and get over your sexist misconceptions, though. It's not the 20th century anymore.

And I like the chef analogy, too.

DH is a fabulous cook and I'm not any sort of cook at all. We have two sayings about meals in our house: Nobody eats mom's cooking, not even mom; If life were fair, I'd weigh about 300 pounds. (2nd is me because I was so thin people believed I was anorexic - until I was over 40 and finally "got some meat on my bones".)

I did not want a house - I bought a condo before DH cause I did not want the responsibilities of a house - and I DID NOT WANT TO MOW THE LAWN.

So I told DH when he insisted that we get a house when we get married, okay - but YOU HAVE TO MOW THE LAWN. That is NON negotiable. I will never do it.

So, when the younger kid was born, he told me that it was too much (we really have a tiny lawn, even front *and* back). So we've hired someone who does it every once in a while, and it works out.

Otherwise, yes, someone comes to clean the house every other week - cause even though we clean ALL THE TIME, we still need someone to help. I WISH WISH WISH it could be every week. Ah, the luxury.

But, now that I'm home, I'm doing mostly all the laundry. Since I haven't really done laundry in almost three years, I think that's okay. And DH does help to fold it. He does tons with the kids, too, so I would say, all is good. He is happy with me home, as he never has to go to the supermarket or target again (okay, well, almost).

And, well, really, it was me in charge of shopping anyway, even if he went himself, when I was working - so it's nicer now when I'm not working (yet).

It makes me glad I grew up in upstate NY. if there's one thing I've learned moving down here, is people in Northern Virginia are quite sexist form what I'm used to. I grew up in a small town in NY where we had 11 acres of land. My mom mowed it all until we reached about 12 or so and started helping. I never saw my Dad do it once. My Mom stayed home, so housework was her responsibility and we always had chores growing up anyway. I agree that work doesn't need to be split exactly equally (who does whites or darks for the laundry) as long as both people are putting in equal time. I think it should be more based on what people are good at though, and not on some idea with no basis of people doing certain chores because of their sex. I agree with a few other posters though, that even though my husband is willing to do most anything, he usually has to be told it needs to be done. He'll go to the grocery store, for example, but only buy what he needs to cook dinner. So he has to call me and ask what else we need, because he never remembers the cereal, milk, bread, fruit, vegetables, yogurt etc. that you just have on hand.

As for couples who have both people only working 30 hours or 1 who only works 20 or 1 who stays home etc. consider yourself really really really lucky. It seems that some people on here take it for granted that thats possible for everyone.

Wow,lot of sexism on this board. DH is a SAHD. That's traditionally been a woman's job. But he's great at it. Just a few hours ago I popped downstairs between meetings and he was playing a concert video and holding her little hands (she just turned one) and she was squealing with happiness while bopping up and down to the music. He spends a lot of time with her one-on-one every day.
Anyway, he does the laundry and the vacumming and other chores. And I chip in, too, but I certainly don't do as much as he does. I do most of the cooking. And my mom always mowed the yard, not my dad. It's about who likes to do what or at least who hates it less, not whether you're a man or a woman.

what I took away from the original NYT article is that, aside from expecting our spouses to pitch in, the spouse who leans towards being the household manager (whether husband or wife) needs to let other partner do things their way.

If the lawn is slightly uneven or the toilet didn't get cleaned this week, or if one night a week dinner is frozen corn dogs and a salad, so be it!

Share the responsibility of being the manager and enjoy your family instead of worring about your stupid, water wasting lawn!