What is the point of this story?

jezebel3

What is the point of you?

This was a wonderful story of the struggles and the committment of a single mother. I wish them both well.

The only sad thing was that by choosing part time work, she qualifies for more scholarships. It kind of punishes people who work full time and save for their children's education. But if this is the only problem in the situation, I am OK with it. In the end, she produced a wonderful daughter who will give back to the world.

Merry Christmas to all the single parents out there who give of themselves each and every day.

Hats off to you, Ponnie. I admire how you decided what's good for your family and have done whatever it takes to make that life possible. Sounds like you have two lucky daughters.

heartwarming story.

(what the hell's wrong with you jezebel3? what a sad life you must lead)

I wish them all well, too, but I have to wonder what values this mom is passing on by homeschooling her younger daughter. To give to the poor -- check. To have a child you can't afford -- check. To be chronically underemployed and expect others to pay for your kid's college -- check.

Where is (are) the father(s) of these daughters? Do the values this mom wants to pass down include kids not needing fathers? Men are irrelevant?

I'm raising a son, and though divorced from his dad, his dad and I share custody and still raise our son together. I would hate for my kid to get the message, from others (men AND women) who reduce fatherhood to sperm donation, that he is irrelevant. Fortunately, he has good male role models around him.

It seems Ponnie's daughters may have missed out on that, on half the parenting they deserved.

I do wish them well, and a merry Christmas to all.

On the plus side: yes, this is very heartwarming. Ponnie has worked very hard and sacrificed much for her daughters, and is to be commended. They are in many ways lucky to have her for their mother.

Now, the stuff for which I get roasted:

Whiskey tango foxtrot?

This woman went through single motherhood TWICE (daughters 18 years apart)? Did she not learn her lesson, or was it just so much fun the first time that she had to repeat it?

Not a single mention of a father/relationship with either daughter? Not a single mention of trying to get the sperm donor to contribute? I'm sorry; I don't get that. Okay, I understand that with the first she was young and naive and believed some story, and got dumped by the scumbag. It can happen - and does happen way too often.

But having been through that once, she let it happen again? What happened to "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me?"

Or did she do this intentionally?

(I'm sorry if some of these comments cross the line, but I'm still royally cheesed off about a column in the Sunday WaPo Magazine from a few weeks ago. In the "XX Files" column, a woman in Arlington wrote all about the joys of being a single mother by choice; of never having to worry about a father in the delivery room or arguing about money in front of her daughter and how raising her daughter as a single mother by choice was the best of all possible worlds. I thought that that was just a ridiculous column, and now another article without even a mention of another biological parent is just hitting me the wrong way.)

Okay, roast away.

"I wish them all well, too, but I have to wonder what values this mom is passing on by homeschooling her younger daughter."

Maybe the values that education matters so much that a parent is willing to intentionally make the time to provide it? That a passion for life-long learning is worth a parent's investment of her own time? that learning can be both efficient and fun? That she loves her child enough to be flexible, look at all the options, think outside of the status quo and what everyone else does? That art and history and music and science and meaningful blocks of daily physical education are as important to a well-rounded, happy adult as reading comprehension and math?

Yes, you'd have to wonder how a parent could decide for herself and her child to communicate those intangibles directly to her child, instead of relying on state government.

Okay, roast away.

Posted by: ArmyBrat1 | December 16, 2008 9:27 AM | Report abuse

Not today. This story is all over the place; that is why I couldn't figure out the point of the story. Single mom at 22 in 1975 - single mom again at 40 - huh? Martyr/smugness stuff is always a big turnoff. "Smart" with money? How? Etc., etc.

CindyLouHoo, I have NO problem with homeschooling, and nowhere did I suggest that homeschooling itself was a bad idea.

Sure, it's great that this mom spent so much time with her daughter. (No mention of "art and history and music and science and meaningful blocks of daily physical education" nor of "reading comprehension and math" in the article above, BTW.)

And sure, it's great that she's been flexible, but it's been on someone else's dime, not just hers. The mother's been chronically underemployed by *choice*, and sees this as a strategy for getting others to pay for her kid's college education.

It's perfectly possible to work full-time and invest time in educating one's child -- work and homeschooling are not mutually exclusive. Full parental employment and music, history, art, science, reading, etc. and so on, are not mutually exclusive, either.

Actually, ArmyBrat, you ask some very good an provocative questions. People and situations are complex. While Ponnie may not have made the best choices, she is taking responsibility for them. Her desire is to work and raise her children well. Education is very important to her. Spending money wisely is also a high priority. And, yes, life threw her some curve balls.

Her values, her desires, her tough decisions and her accomplishments are not all that different from others who share the same core values. So I admire what she has managed to do in spite of her circumstances.

Yet, ArmyBrat is right. There is no mention of a father. In fact, in many life stories, spanning all income levels, races, etc., no father is mentioned.

Why?

I have many questions about this article, but it appears that ArmyBrat and Jezebel3 have posted them before I could.

It is a 'feel good' story that Life TV would be happy to make into a movie, I am sure.

This story has a moral, but I'm not quite sure what it is exactly.

To Jezebel: Even with this extra long blog today, I wasn't able to put in all the details of Ponnie's life from our interview. You ask how she is "smart" with money. Some examples from our conversation: She buys necessities, like a coat, on sale and not always the brand her daughter may want. She analyzes every expense and decides whether that's something she can afford and something worth her money. For groceries, she said she shops for fruits and vegetables at two or three vendors to find the best prices. And then she shops at grocery stores using the circulars.

She buys necessities, like a coat, on sale and not always the brand her daughter may want. She analyzes every expense and decides whether that's something she can afford and something worth her money. For groceries, she said she shops for fruits and vegetables at two or three vendors to find the best prices. And then she shops at grocery stores using the circulars.

Posted by: StaceyGarfinkle | December 16, 2008 10:15 AM | Report abuse

Millions do the same. Without bragging.

Stacey, just out of curiosity did Ponnie say anything about the sperm donors? Is single motherhood something she did by choice (twice); did she have any luck chasing them down for support? What's the situation here?

What's the situation here?

Posted by: ArmyBrat1 | December 16, 2008 10:34 AM | Report abuse

How did she pay for private school for her kids?

Side note: I agree with foamgnome's comments that the most directly upsetting part of the blog was the description of the scholarship situation.

"If we had more money, it would be harder for her to get these scholarships. My income and her grades are the two key things."

Bleahh! I wholeheartedly support financial aid for the needy, but as someone who's busted his tail for years saving to put four kids through college, the knowledge that they're not eligible for scholarships like this is really disheartening.

Oldest DD is attending a small liberal arts college with a good academic scholarship paying about a third of the costs. We pay the rest. But we insist she make her own spending money. Problem - she's not eligible for a job on campus. ALL part-time campus jobs are federal work-study positions and of course I make too much money for her to qualify. So the choice is that she walks several blocks off campus to a retail establishment or restaurant (I'm also not buying her a car), or she has no spending money. Not a good situation.

ArmyBrat, what about a bicycle for your daughter? That's what I did in college to get to jobs.

And I agree that "working the system" of being purposely underemployed so that you can homeschool AND get your child big scholarships is not my kind of value system.

Jezebel - she didn't brag. She said she's good with money. It might be more descriptive to say that she's careful with money.

ArmyBrat - Not flaming, but you don't have a right to peer into and judge every part of her life. The story was about her life as a single mother, including sacrifices she had to make. It was NOT about how or why she got pregnant.

I had one friend who became a single mother after getting pregnant. She'd been told by doctors (at the Mayo Clinic) that she couldn't get pregnant. They were evidently wrong. Another couple I know had an unexpected pregnancy even though they were using birth control. It happens. Sometimes even twice. I've another friend who lost a husband in his 30's and is raising twins on her own (google snickolett).

BB

Stacey, what exactly about this woman did you find so compelling? I'm just not seeing it...

I was excited by the title, because I actually think lots of single moms do have many lessons they can teach us. I find parenting overwhelming alot of the time, and I have a wonderful husband sharing the burden! I'm awed by the idea of single moms doing it all on their own. Here are the lessons I expected:
1. how to give up sleep and still function
2. how to always put yourself last without being bitter about it
3. how to reach out for help from others (friends, family, etc) when you are absolutely at the end of your rope
4. how to keep coping when those in #3 say no and you have to learn how to make your own rope longer and longer
5. how to find work that pays you enough to cover childcare
etc etc

NOT the lessons discussed, which included:
1. life was easier in the 1970s
2. I got knocked up at 22 and at 40, and didn't involve the dads in their daughters' lives whatsoever
3. Working part-time is just fine, because then the govt pays for more things for your child!
4. I'm SO smart with money that I was only welfare and food stamps for a relatively short period. AND since I've worked part-time forever, I have no retirement savings--but the govt will eventually pay for my nursing home too!

Sorry for being both baffled and pissed off by this column. This woman is NOT someone who should be passing along her "wisdom" to the rest of us!!!!!

to newslinks1: What I find compelling about Ponnie is the priority she's put on educating her daughter in a world where she's had to make hard choices. While home schooling is not for everyone, she has figured out a way that works for her family. Also, she's a very different kind of voice and life than we're used to discussing. To me, the more kinds of voices and experiences we have and can share, the more interesting our debates can be. And at a time when our economy is hitting some families hard, her story can be an inspiration to some.

ArmyBrat - Not flaming, but you don't have a right to peer into and judge every part of her life.

Posted by: FairlingtonBlade | December 16, 2008 10:52 AM | Report abuse

Yeah, he does. We all do. It's the Net. She doesn't have to respond, but he has the right to ask questions and make comments.

"She was raised never to ask for anything for Christmas."

What a shame! Toss the joy of the season out the window.

Stacey,

Has Ponnie ever read this blog? Did she do her homework before agreeing to the interview? Was she aware that some posters would not agree with ther choices?

Jezebel3,

We are waiting for your story. Please send it on to Stacey. I will send mine after yours is published.

Jezebel - you misread my comment. Brat can ask all the questions he/she wants. That does not entitle Brat to the information. I think you're looking for reasons to judge this person.

How much detail did you want? Did the condom break? Forgot to take the pill? Fooling around got too heavy too fast? Violence? Deliberately chose to have another child before it was too late?

The story was about one person's life as a single mother. She doesn't have to beg forgiveness from the blogerati about how she got there.

BB

Who among us hasn't had to make hard choices?

How did she pay for private school for her kids?

Posted by: jezebel3 | December 16, 2008 10:38 AM |

Scholarship, of course. I've known people like her in the past. Their kids got free tuition, textbooks, school supplies, and clothes donated to them.

A lot about this story is freaky, well beyond the lack of continuity in the narrative. If you choose to have two children with no other means of financial support beyond your McJob, it's on YOU to pay for their delivery, diapers, food, education, etc. Not the well-meaning church folks or neighborhood ladies or anyone else.

How was she even qualified to be a breastfeeding counselor, beyond personally having breasts? She had always worked full-time. With the kind of job she had been working I seriously doubt they allowed her to pump enough to even feed her children pumped milk. As a nursing mom I don't think a counselor who hasn't also exclusively nursed could tell me anything helpful. It makes me wonder how much bad advice she gave out and how many women stopped nursing altogether because of it.

Nextly, why did she quit her job when pregnant? If she already had insurance and was working for such a large retailer, why was it necessary? Or was it a strategy to get someone else to give her something for free? Who paid for her child's birth?

And again, where are the sperm donors?

Don't even get me started on the Christmas thing.

Stacey, please, no more trashy stories. Give us exceptional situations or people that have made choices worth looking up to. I know enough people making stupid choices as it is, and there's nothing inspiring here.

Sorry guys, I just really, really HATE the tone of entitlement that she has. I know there are people truly in need. But 99% of the time it's poor choices. I'm sick of paying everyone else's way through life when I can't afford college for my own kids (but make too much for financial aid.) Step up and take responsibility for your own choices, people!

"What I find compelling about Ponnie is the priority she's put on educating her daughter in a world where she's had to make hard choices. While home schooling is not for everyone, she has figured out a way that works for her family."

She hasn't found a way to make it work for her family - she's found a way to game the system, so someone else will pick up the tab for her choices. (By the way, does she get health insurance from her part-time job, or does someone pay for her health care as well?) If that's your idea of "making it work for her family" that's fine, but it sure isn't mine. And it surely isn't setting an example we should seek to emulate.

A better title for today's blog would be: I Don't Need No Husband.

"Welcome to On Parenting

Welcome to On Parenting, a blog dedicated to news, advice, comments and fun for and about parents and their kids, ages birth through teens. "

Stacey has requested comments. She's getting 'em today, just like any other day on the OP.

Blade - I'm actually trying very hard not to judge Ponnie. But "lessons" are learned best if the full context is understood, and that part of the context is missing.

I certainly understand that unplanned pregnancies happen, and I also understand that parental situations change during/after planned pregnancies. But I assert that the "lessons" one should learn are very different if she intentionally set out to be a single mother than they would be if she was abandoned by a husband.

To Stacey:

Often times we say "hard choices" when what we mean is "there weren't any choices that I liked."

An easy choice is, "I'm going to choose to let other people raise my children and then garner praise for my choice to be a single mom."

An unpleasant choice is, "I'm going to get up before dawn every day so I can work and pay for my family's necessities myself, with what is left over after the government takes 37.5% of my income and gives it to people who choose unemployment or underemployment."

I was taught growing up that truly hard choices are what's left after you make bad choices.

How is her daughter an honors student if she's home schooled? Does anyone know how that works? That was something that struck me as odd.
Other than the whole no dad being mentioned. Which is so sad.

I'm another one wondering where the fathers are.

ArmyBrat - We're in agreement. I'm not cheerleading Ponnie and don't know what choices led her into single motherhood twice. I just decided to set aside my interest in how she got into this and judgment of her actions. I don't know her. A good friend of mine has a relatively well-known blog and gets the occasional barbed poster.

I see this story as a comparison between being a single mother then and now, told from the perspective of someone who has done it in both eras. Ponnie has a unique perspective.

More generally to others: This isn't a movie of the week. There aren't happy endings. Not every story in inspirational.

With regards to health insurance, there are many programs for low income individuals. Given that my health care is largely paid for by my employer, one might accuse me of free loading on someone else. Expecting a child to go without health care is short-sighted.

BB

AB: Can you give us a link to the article about the single mother by choice? I tried googling it and did not get it.

to FairlingtonBlade: You are most definitely not freeloading on your employer. Part of your compensation is your health insurance. If your employer did not provide it, he/she would be able to pay you (a lot) more money. Don't ever think you are 'freeloading' - your employer would almost certainly enjoy not paying your insurance in order to pay you more, but unfortunately, things don't work that way.

It is completely different than thinking that 'others' should take care of your health. You went out and got a job that has insurance for your family...you're not waiting for it to fall from the sky.

"With regards to health insurance, there are many programs for low income individuals. Given that my health care is largely paid for by my employer, one might accuse me of free loading on someone else. Expecting a child to go without health care is short-sighted."

You work, and as part of your compensation, are provided with health insurance by your employer. That is a far cry from
(i) making a choice to work part-time, presumably without insurance, and (ii) relying on, in your words, "programs for low income individuals" to provide health care. In fact, that's precisely my point. She undoubtedly has a low income, but based on the information provided, that's in large part by choice. Programs providing health care and other benefits for low income individuals, not to mention need-based scholarships (all of which I support, and wish there were more of), are not meant to subsidize the lifestyles of those who could provide for themselves and their children, but choose not to do so. It's infuriating to think that others in need, who didn't have any choice in the matter, might not receive assistance because Ponnie wants to home-school her daughter.

Atlmom - We have a system where some employers are freeloading on others. My employer provides it. Others don't. Ponnie originally lost her health insurance, because she had a high risk pregnancy.

I can tell you where I AM a freeloader. I have twin toddlers, one of whom is special needs. Secondo was deemed eligible for services in my community and now goes to preschool four days a week, including speech therapy. The difference it has made has been remarkable. Paid for by taxes (including my substantial contribution of property taxes). I didn't complain when my taxes were used for education of others' children and I'm unapologetic about taking advantage of these services.

If you read the recent column on autism, you'll find that most health insurance does not cover treatment. It's considered educational and the parents are SOL. Even if you DO have health insurance, you can be bankrupted by medical expenses. There are a lot of holes in that safety net below you. Pray that you never fall through one of them.

BB

dcd - I'm well aware of my benefits. It's interesting to see a number of people with insurance wagging their fingers at Ponnie. There are many jobs where insurance isn't provided.

You work a full time job? Insured. Three part time jobs with more hours? SOL. It's a crazy patch-work. But hey, it does give you one more reason to tsk tsk tsk.

BB

http://www.thirdpath.org/

"Executive Assistant

Ponscella Cousins has worked with ThirdPath Institute since 2000, taking on an ever-increasing set of responsibilities along the way. Her work at the Institute has included systems and efficiency tasks such as data-base management, transcription and bookkeeping. However, because of her many talents it has also included interviewing Shared Care parents, helping create a Single Parents guide and managing the process of keeping ThirdPath community members involved with different volunteer activities. Prior to working with the ThirdPath, Ponnie worked as a supervisor and manager for marketing and retail companies, was a 51% owner of a small business, taught preschool at a Christian Academy, and counseled young African-American women around breast-feeding issues. Ponnie is a single mother who lives the concepts of the ThirdPath Institute; opting not to raise her daughter in the "traditional" style of many single parents - with a long day in school and using after-school programs - Ponnie changed her work/life balance in order to homeschool her child. "

But hey, it does give you one more reason to tsk tsk tsk.

BB

Posted by: FairlingtonBlade | December 16, 2008 12:43 PM | Report abuse

You've never wagged your finger on this blog?

Oddly enough, jezebel, one might interpret my some of my earlier comments as wagging my finger. I don't get the whole pile on Ponnie aspect of this discussion. How dare someone be low income and have children! How dare anyone not have a job that provides health insurance! Something like one in 8 Americans don't have health insurance. Is anyone surprised that some of them are parents?

I originally thought the story meandered a bit, but was struck by the comparisons of single motherhood then and now. And I don't think being on the Net is a license to snark. Then again, I read Miss Manners.

BB

Writing this can be my Christmas present to myself. First off, why are so many of you judging this women so harshly? What are you trying to prove?

To all single parents without much support from the other parent (or in my case parents), or support from the community, you are going to make it! Hang in there, hang in there, hang in there!

I started raising my meth addicted sister's three kids when i was 26. When I was 31 the fourth kid came. When I was 34 the fifth kid came. I use to could do it all. With the fifth kid, my body just didn't have the bounce it use to have.

I know where this women is coming from. I wouldn't make all the same choices she made, but I can see her point. And in so many ways, especially child care and education, there are many parellels.

I do support gifts for Christmas! I don't know how I'll manage to finish out shopping for 3 of them, but 2 of them are done. Its hard this time of year, but you can't and shouldn't let it show.

So you know, sit back and chill people. Get off this woman's back. We are a nation of many stories, each with a right to exist.

"Internet Crackpot”

Jezebel 3 (gender undetermined but assigned “f”) has worked with Internet since 2000, taking on an ever-increasing prickly tone along the way. Her work at the Internet has included quips and quotes and efficiency tasks such as demeaning, debasing and BS’ing. However, because of her many alleged talents, it has also included clucking tongues, eye brow raising and finger wagging, heaping tons of tsk’ing on all parents and managing the process of keeping any other posters thoroughly pee’d off. Prior to working with the Internet, Jez worked as a brow-beater and all around meanie and thusly being fired from several marketing and retail companies, was a 51% owner of snide remarks, taught her sibling in disgusting ways and wouldn’t know her way around breasts much less breast-feeding issues. Jez is a solitary person who lives the concepts of the trampling upon other’s lives; opting not to raise her voice in the style of praise but only from the view of the basement window.

Jez’s only life has been OP since On Balance died.

I enjoyed the post and wish Ponnie and her daughters the best. But I always worry about the single-mothers-making-it genre because I fear it makes it look easier than it is! I'm a divorced mom and I have my kids six out of seven days of the week but the *sperm donor* (my ex) still sees them one day each weekend and pays half their expenses (except when his own medical problems made it difficult for him to work). So I'm in better shape than many single Moms. But there are days I can barely hack it, where my nerves are so raw and I'm so desperate for a minute to hear myself think that I become afraid of myself. Of course, I try to gloss over that and I don't want to communicate to my kids that they are an overwhelming burden. But they are some days. I would never in a million years advocate single parenting!

Wow, I'm really surprised by some of the post I have read. A little sad too. Though we are all entitled to our opinions, some of you are very mean spirited folks. On the breastfeeding note: what makes you think I never breastfed? How do you even know that I have breast? I could have battled cancer and had a double mastectomy? You are one mean lady! But I worked in a major teaching hospital and was trained very well. I also specialized in helping mother's pump and store milk for their pre-term babies. But you wouldn't know that now would you?

Also the state has not paid for my daughter to be homeschooled. I have paid for her computer, curriculum, music lessons, and she received an art scholarship at the Univ. of the Arts because she is talented...another thing you judgmental, mean spirited people wouldn't have a clue about.

How did I pay for my daughters to attend private school? I worked! And though I now work 30 hours a week, I probably make more than some of you who work full time. I am not on welfare, and do not qualify for government assistance of any kind....but some of you are to dense to consider that.

As far as my daughter being able to go to college on scholarships, she is an honor student who works hard for her grades and there are several Ivy colleges and Christian colleges who offer honors scholarships for lower income kids. I work and pay taxes just like the rest of you. Princeton, University of Penn, and Harvard, just to name a few of the universities that offer these scholarships not the government. The key factor is your grades.

Be very careful all you judgmental pompous ones, with today's economy you might find your big jobs gone, your retirement and your savings all a thing of the past. Especially since some of you are busy writing back and forth on your employers dime. ~Smile~

And last but not least, my daughters have not missed out on as much as some of you may think, because neither one of them has been raised to be mean spirited and unkind as some of you are. So that alone makes their lives and upbringing better than anything you could have come up with.

"I know there are people truly in need. But 99% of the time it's poor choices."

Yeah. You know there are people truly in need. Somewhere in the world. You've just never encountered one.

Don't hurt your arm patting yourself on the back there, friend.

Well said, Ponnie.

BB

foamgnome: from Sunday, November 16 Post Magazine

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/11/07/AR2008110701941.html

"Single-Minded
The hardest part of parenting alone? Smug marrieds."

by Dana Wilkie

AB: thanks for posting the link to the Dana Wilkie article! I really enjoyed it and was looking for more in the same vein today--from a smart, accomplished woman who was doing it all and enjoying it. I found much to admire in the Wilkie piece and very little to admire in today's post.

Thanks AB. I thought the article was OK. I guess a lot of questions can be answered with ="incredible salary." She probably hires a lot of help such as a nanny etc... So there are less issues with sick leave, money, and school breaks etc...

One thing lacking in her piece is that she misses out on the incredible journey that a couple brings in raising children. The shared joy in the love of that one (or more) child. I guess she can't understand that part.

But I don't get so into the gender issue (lack of father). I just think she is missing the partner (male or female).

I think putting money aside, parenting is a particularly hard but rewarding job. I, personally, would like to share the joys and the burdens with another person.

"Parenting is the quick road to poverty but the best emotional investment you can make in a lifetime," (foamgnome's Dad)

Wow Ponnie drops her saintly charity mask real fast and gives as good as she gets in the snarky passive aggressive insult department.

And no answer on the sperm donors still...

I have to agree with what seems to be the majority here. You had a kid young, single, worked hard, made it through and this kid turns out to be a gem, yay good story.

Then, inexplicably, you choose to have another kid, single. And you choose (inexplicably) to NOT work full time, to NOT have all the benefits you had, and want to make a big deal about "always being there" for the kid who can't even ask for a christmas present, and say it's all ok because you might get a few chunks of cash for college?

Emerald - I wonder how you would respond to people criticizing every aspect of your parenting? Trolls don't deserve answers to personal questions.

BB

P.S. Did you notice the part in the story where her second child was a preemie? Try working that around a full time job.

newslinks1 - that's where we'll have to agree to disagree. I was much, much more offended by the Wilkie article than I was by today's. But that's probably because of my bias and prejudice - I'm a father who really, really doesn't appreciate being told that I'm not needed and in fact a child is better off without me.

With today's blog I was bothered that what I considered to be some very important context was left out. And yeah, as hard as I try not to be judgmental some of that probably does bleed through.

The Wilkie article on the other hand was just offensive and ridiculous. First, this woman herself has no idea how most single moms live. Her article is repleted with "cavernous" homes and "incredible salaries" and...

Second, and more important, she never does address some of the hard issues. What DOES she do for her child when she's tired or sick? Oh, that's right - she never gets too tired or sick because every freaking instant of her life is a pure joy. Who will be there to take care of Wilkie when she's older and ill and needs support? Oh, that's right; it doesn't matter because she's never going to be older and dependent on others - or that incredible salary will let her buy the love and loyalty of a staff.

Her child never gets to learn about the ups and downs of a relationship. What it's like to have someone there who will truly support you and pick you up; how you live with someone in a give-and-take world that requires compromise and rewards compromise with love and support. What it really means to be there for someone else.

And, bluntly - her daughter will never have the positive male role model in her life. Not that all fathers are perfect, by a long shot, but I happen to believe that it's important for a child to have both parents involved in his/her life to learn from - learn both the good and the bad.

Okay, enough ranting - my biases and prejudices are flaring up again!

Dana Wilkie's child is only 7. HAHAHAHAHA! Wait until she is a teen-ager and then see what Dana says!

Farlington I've been active in online forums for over a decade now. If you think I haven't had to deal with just about sort of trolling/insult/jab/snark an online forum can produce you are entirely wrong. That's exactly what to expect if you put yourself out there.

I happen to think a lot of these questions and issues are very relevant and very reasonable to judge a story as worth sharing as either a warming encourgement or a scary warning. The fact is, everyone judges, she's just not happy we're judging her in a good way. What makes it worse is that she claims to be a great example of living a charitable and forgiving way, but easily lets that go and actively engages in all those icky behaviors herself.

I don't quite get why people are so aggravated by the fact that Ponnie is "underemployed." For single parents (and, honestly, for many married parents), there are always hard choices to be made about child care and work. If Ponnie had done the traditional 10-hours-a-day job and had her daughters in child care full time, dollars to donuts people here would be making comments about her letting other people raise her kids. Since she chose to try to find a solution that would allow her to spend more time with her kids, she's being criticized for taking public help and scholarship money from kids whose parents are both working full-time. Seems to me, there's no winning on this blog.

Makes me wonder -- what do the people on here see as the "right" family situation? Who "deserves" get help from the government? Should the only kids eligible for college scholarships be the ones whose parents both work full time?

nwsahm: I was one of the people that thought it was sad that she qualified for low income scholarships while choosing to be underemployed.

I, too, work part time but would not qualify for scholarships based on income. But I do think low income scholarships should go to people whose parents did the MOST that they could to support and save for their education.

While some people can not work full time do to disability or taking care of a sick relative, she made an active choice to not work to full capacity. Why should she be rewarded with a low income scholarship. As far as a merit based scholarship, that is entirely different. I think that is irrelevant to income.

But I also think that parents where one parent choose to stay at home, should not also qualify for low income scholarships. But all of this is too hard for a scholarship committee to judge. They just look at your present situation and can not judge your past.

But yes, I do think it sends the wrong message that choosing not to save or be underemployed, gets you more money on aid (based on income) then choosing to work and save. But that is just my opinion. Overall, I said the end result is that she will have a wonderful child who will hopefully give back to the community.

I think AB is spot on and makes a good point about what kids miss in not being raised within the context of a parental relationship so they have some kind of model. But I also should say I enjoyed newslinks1's earlier list of lessons she had hoped to learn from the posting!
I suspect Wilkie wrote her article on a good day -- not after school has been cancelled for an ice storm, gingerbread dough has been ground into the carpet and the children say they're hungry as soon as you clean up after dinner.

A better title for today's blog would be: I Don't Need No Husband.

Posted by: WhackyWeasel | December 16, 2008 11:38 AM | Report abuse

Ah, ah, ah! (Smacks wrist) Don't go there with the double-negatives, and you know why!

You disappoint me.

Emerald - Dealing with trolls is no excuse for trollish behavior. Using the term "sperm donor" was a taunt. Ribbing someone in order to get a rise out of them is trolling, by definition.

The title of this blog is "On Parenting", not "On Conception".

BB

"Wow Ponnie drops her saintly charity mask real fast and gives as good as she gets in the snarky passive aggressive insult department."

You're doggone right. But it wasn't passive-aggressive. It was straight-on putting the snarkaholics in their place.

"And no answer on the sperm donors still..."

Not that she owes you an answer. Nunya.

Thanks for responding, Ponnie.

I've known Ponnie for a good many years. She is neither a begger, nor sucking the system. You all were given a GLIMPSE into her life, not her whole life story. It's a shame that you couldn't see the lessons in the article, instead of your own judgemental thoughts. I wonder how many of you chose to have your own children raised by total strangers. Or chose to have an abortion. Or how many of you chose to work long hours, and eat in front of the TV instead of spending the extra time with your own children. Humph, if you are going to comment about anything, tell us how you are so much better. In the mean time, I'll be praying for each of you. Sounds like you need it!

Actually Ponnie chose to have her first child raised by "total strangers" and work long hours and she ended up just great!

Neighbors, friends and family hardly account for total strangers. But hey what do I know.

One other thing, I can't imagine another single person ever wanting to share their lives with the likes of you. You all want to be on here discussing parenting, and not a single note discusses this issue. It's let's slam Ponnie day. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

So you're assuming Ponnie is the only person who could have those resources?

Essentially Ponnie gave an excellent example of "It doesn't matter how hard or what specific choices you make in childcare or work/life balance, your kids can grow into excellent people"

All I can say is wow! I am both saddened and disappointed in many of the responses I have read in regarding the interview of my mother. This is a woman who has sacrificed her entire life for her children to ensure that we are God fearing, successful productive members of society.

Someone asked in their response what type of values my mom taught me and my sister, well I'll tell you!. She taught me the value of self reliance, hard work, honesty, and independence. To the divorced mother who wondered if my mom taught us that men are irrelevant-no she did not. Do you teach your son that vows are not to be honored? When he attends his first wedding and the couple vows til death do us part and he looks at you, will you whisper in his ear that vows are irrelevant? I don't know why you are divorced and it is not my place to judge so why should you or any of you who posted negative comments pass judgement upon my mother.

All of your responses further reinforce the erosion of civility in our society. Since when did freedom of speech turn into the right to be mean spirited and down right cruel to other people. I encourage you to evaluate your lives, experience a moment of introspection into your hateful ways. My mom's sacrifice, love, patience, and prayer helped me to become a Registered Nurse and I begin my studies for my Master's degree in January.

Some of you should be on your knees thanking God that a woman of such standing and character would take the time out of her schedule to share with others her experiences and attempt to encourage other single parents. Get over yourselves and your lunacy. Wake up and smell the coffee while the pot is brewing: it won't be for much longer.

There are single parents out there and that won't change. Many are struggling and wondering how they will make it to tomorrow let alone next week. Suggest to them that they read this post for ideas. Oops maybe not.. after reading your responses they may realize what an judgemental loons you really are!

Michele,

I am so sorry that such hurtful comment were made about your mother. Please know that many read this story and found it moving. Unfortunately, many find the anonymity of the net license to say whatever they feel like. It's quite sad. And so are they.

Deepest regards,

Paul Lane (aka the Fairlington Blade)

I enjoy reading this blog occasionally because it is entertaining to read the judgmental, narrow-minded opinions. I still remember the column on dads taking pictures on the playground. The consensus was, if he can pass for an accountant, he must be a pervert. Ms. Cousins should have been warned that being featured here is like standing up as a target in a shooting gallery for a bunch of crack pots. I do like Armybrat's take on things. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. That's a good one.

Nothing to do with anonymity here, I'd be happy to go out to lunch with all of you and discuss these issues.

The irony of talking about god and being charitable and giving and turning around and being all sanctimonious hurling insults back is not lost on me.

Emerald - You would appear to have the expectation that Ponnie and her daughters turn the other cheek. How about not slapping it in the first place?

With regards to anonymity, Ponnie gave hers. I gave mine. Yours?

Well I don't think I slapped anyone myself, I just made clear and relevant points and questions from someone who decided to use their personal life experiences as a sounding board on parenting.

But that's exactly why the term "turn the other cheek" exists. Because the world DOES suck and WILL slap you occasionally. The truly charitable person offers forgivness and understanding and mercy. To slap back simply means that you are giving the first slap merit and that you feel it is a good way to get your point across.

My email is emeraldead@yahoo.com, my livejournal name is emeraldliz, I live in Austin TX and will be in MD next week to visit family. If you email me, I'll give you my cell number.

I want to commend Ponnie for making the best of hard circumstances and choosing to make lemonade out of lemons, after all she could have chosen to have an abortion then continue working without interrupting her earning power and still be putting in 10 hours plus each day and become what the rest of the snarks here are, corporate slaves, bowing at the feet of the almighty dollar chasing the ever elusive dream of success and happiness and never finding it, otherwise they would have a better outlook on life.

So what's the big deal on "sperm donors"? Does she have to elaborate on every hang nail she's had? If she was divorced, widowed, married or not, its of no consequence to the story. If the other parent is involved or not in the child(ren)'s lives is also not pertinent in this instance. The story is how she's coping with life as a single parent, not to belabor what might have been.

I think Robert Frost said it best in "The Road Not Taken"

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

So Ponnie, congrats! I am glad you chose the road less traveled. Your children, and future generations yet unborn, are the better for the sacrifice you have made to spend time with your children now. Have no fear of the snarks. Perhaps their children will pick out a nice nursing home that won't abuse them too much and maybe their children will come to visit once a year or so, if they're not too busy pursuing more important things.

Personally, I believe the most important things aren't things - they're people. You can never go wrong by investing TIME in the people around you, especially your family.

I can hope that Ponnie and her children will be blessed on the road less traveled. I hope to meet a fellow traveler like her one day.

Wow dads- how do you feel knowing that ultimately you are "of no consequence?"

I'm the LAST person anyone would accuse of being a corporate slave *chuckle* and having an abortion is just as legitimate and good a choice for many people and in many cases it is the right choice.