In my current sleep-deprived state (up 5 times with my twins last night- ugh), my favorite is usually whoever is giving me the least amount of trouble on a given day.

Honestly, my kids are all so different that I don't think I could pick a favorite. My younger daughter is the one who seems to be the most like me, so I "get" her pretty well. My son is the affectionate, snuggly one with the great sense of humor. And my older daughter is, in many ways, the kid I *wished* I had been, who is so gregarious that she makes friends instantly wherever she goes. Plus, she's currently one the only one who actually talks to me ;).

"I'm especially interested to hear from more experienced parents who might be able to give me some warnings about the years ahead ... are there ages where kids are especially likely to ascend to "most favored" status?"

Dunnao about the age thing, but I've seen a lot of losers or people who least "deserve" it who are the favorites. There are people who are the favorites because they have penises, are attractive, etc. There are people who are favorites because they give their parents bragging rights. There are people who are favorites because they give the parents the least amount of trouble. There are people who are the favorites because they give the parents the most amount of trouble and make the a parents feel needed. This isn't new - Cain and Abel, Joseph and his Brethren, Frasier and Niles Crane, The Smothers' Brothers...

Hasn't this topic been discussed before?

Hasn't this topic been discussed before?

Posted by: cheekymonkey | June 25, 2009 8:19 AM | Report abuse

Brian doesn't read this blog.

"favorite?" No - unless you want to count, like floof, "the one who's causing the least trouble for me right now." :-)

"Treat them differently?" You betcha - they're individuals. Oldest DD was the first to experience almost everything, so she got a lot of attention because we had to figure out how to handle things. Right about now it's dealing with her spending the next academic year in London - she gets a lot of attention for that, for sure.

DS is the only boy, so he never had to share a bedroom and was treated differently in other ways. On the other hand, he's always been the most self-sufficient and independent so in many ways he got less attention than his sisters.

Middle DD has probably gotten the most attention from me, mostly because I've coached her for so many years (more years than any of her siblings; just the way it worked out) and those long, early-morning drives to yet another tournament facilitate some really cool discussions. Middle DD also probably has the least God-given ability of the girls, in both athletics and academics, but she works so much harder than the others that she tends to achieve much more than they do.

Youngest DD has the most natural athletic ability, and is the most outgoing - she's the real "social butterfly" of the family. But she is at that point where she's rebelling by trying to make herself as different from her sisters as she can. If an older sister gets praised for something, youngest DD tries to show that she's bad at it.

This does cause a lot of "you like her/him better than me!" comments from the kids at various times. It's natural - any time one gets something the others don't/didn't, it because "Mom and Dad like you best!" not because "we're different individuals with different circumstances and thus different treatment is appropriate." They'll outgrow it.

So, I'll deny - even after several JD & Cokes :-) that I have a favorite. But treat 'em differently? Always have, and always will.

My grandmother always told me I was her favorite. My suspicion is that she told this to all her grandchildren. :)

My older son is very much like me, and my younger son is very much like my husband. Before #2 was born, I overheard DH saying something to the affect of: he's JUST like DW - he drives me crazy, just like her. But I do love her very much, so of course, I love him very much.

So I think it's kinda like that - my older son (the one like me) is frustrating in his own way (to me) - the younger one is frustrating in many of the same ways my DH frustrates me. So, it depends on the day, as to who is driving me crazier, but , as mentioned above, I *get* my older son in certain ways, since he thinks JUST like me. I *get* my younger son, since he's so much like DH.
So it's so different, my feelings about them, even though I love them both very much...

My "favorite" - depends on their actions, their mood and my mood. Some days/hours I can handle one better than the others, or can share an activity or thought better with another. Similar to "whoever is giving me less trouble" but not quite the same.

My husband *was* his grandparents favorite - he was the least trouble and the one that would spend quiet time with them. The others weren't of the temperament to do something relatively quiet in a grandparents' apartment, so they spent a lot less time there. Don't think there was less love, just less compatibility.

My SD is certainly more easy going than my SS. She also listens better and when you say something like 'It's time to go home (from the pool)', 'It's time to go to bed' there is significantly less flak. She is easier to deal with but I don't think that makes her my favourite.

There are many traits about SS that make him similar to me. I like the fact that he is talkative and we can chatter about things together. Since he is older, I find him more interesting. He is more capable of playing games and doing things that interest me. We have gone hiking together and left my husband and SS at home.

My husband has often accused me of favouring my SD saying I wouldn't do whatever I am doing with my SS. True enough, but I do other things with my SS that I don't do with my SD. I think it all evens out in the end.

My husband has often accused me of favouring my SD saying I wouldn't do whatever I am doing with my SS.

Posted by: Billie_R | June 25, 2009 9:47 AM | Report abuse

DH is the bad-tempered,
non-communicative, picky-eater guy? What a gem! Is there one iota of joy from living with this guy? Would you stick with this loser if the kids were out of the picture? Sheesh. Talk about waking up and smelling the coffee!

Of course we claim that we love each child "equally" AND as an individual.

However, the kids know better. They know who is favored by what parent on any given issue and will use it to their advantage. If they want to order pizza for dinner, they know exactly who to send as a representative to lobby for approval. (FYI: in my family it's my 2nd daughter, aka the dish and laundry ferry.) They know very well that Only under extreme circumstances does dad ever say no to the dish and laundry ferry.

On the other side, Ms Whacky has hher weaknesses too. If I want to have a family dinner of grilled dogs and chips at my favorite park, I get the little one to do my bidding for me. He boasts a much higher success rate for mommy's approval than me on that one.

This might sound like a terrible thing to do, but occasionally I'll have a family conversation where I order my kids from favorite to least favorite and why. Appalling, i know, but then when I ask the kids to put out their list of favorits and why, the game becomes a lot more fun. I think the kids have learned some valuable lessons from this exercise, one being that nobody in the family is the designated "favorite", and most importantly, the reasons that whoever is liked or disliked the most by another family member is mostly beyond their control. Interestingly enough, each kid can quite accurately predict the order of their sibling's list.

And I usually come in at the very bottom of everyone's list, even under the dog. Oh well.

"And I usually come in at the very bottom of everyone's list, even under the dog. Oh well."

Umm - in my family, the dog would be first on everybody's "favorite" list.

I can't say I have an overall favorite. I like the kid who is giving me the least amount of grief. And frankly speaking, some days I would like to consider both my kids for a new pair. :)

But I think there is a difference between having a favorite or getting along better with one child and treating two kids so appallingly unequal. Sure you treat each child differently because they are different people and have different needs and you can't always keep an accurate score card. But some parents, like Wacky's, made an obvious gesture to make things unequal.

Another example is my SIL has openly admitted that her daughter is her favorite child. Her two kids are only 15 months apart. So at this age, they are fairly close in development (3 3/3 and 5). But she keeps throwing elaborate birthday parties for her daughter and has yet to throw one for her son. Her son doesn't get any party at all. And to top it off she once threw two birthday parties for her daughter in the same year. Why a kid needs two birthday parties with friends is beyond me. I think this is really sad and her son who will turn four in September is old enough to know this. She also buys way more gifts for her daughter than her son. She is also willing to pay for private school for her daughter and she says outright she won't do it for her son. Now birthday parties are trivial except in the minds of children. But a quality education for you daughter and not your son?

But there is nothing you can say to them. It is really none of your business. But I think it is horrible and we feel very bad for the boy.

So I don't want to keep a score card but I don't think I could ever be like my SIL or Wacky's parents.

I meant her son is 3 3/4

Early on, DD was my favorite. She was 4 1/2 when he was born and had really been a challenge, so she forced me to learn and grow in really good ways. He, on the other hand, was just a happy little smiling lump for a couple of years. He was adorable and cute and I loved him and felt hugely protective and all that new mom stuff, but he had almost no discernible personality that I could figure out, so I didn't feel that same pull.

Now that he's 3 1/2, though, it's all changed, and I can honestly say that I love them both differently, for different things, but equally. His personality now shines through; it's just very different from hers, and I've grown to see and love and appreciate him for the interesting little guy he is. I love watching his little mind work and grow and accomplish new things and become more and more self-sufficient. And I like watching that same growth in her, just with different issues and at a different stage -- she walked off with my dad this morning looking about 12 (I am SO not ready!). It's amazing how much they change, how quickly.

Ooops. I realized I made a mistake in my comment.

I have gone hiking with my SS and left my husband and SD at home. Based on the context, I am sure that was assumed but I wanted to clear it up.

I think that foamgnome and Whacky said it more elegantly than I. We might favour one child over another in certain situations but in the end I think we try to treat them equally when you look at the whole picture.

And I usually come in at the very bottom of everyone's list, even under the dog. Oh well.

Posted by: WhackyWeasel | June 25, 2009 10:58 AM | Report abuse

There's a shocker! Boozers usually are at the bottom of the list.

DS & DD are both my favorites. Each for different reasons. And yes, we treat them differently because they're not the same age, nor are they the same kid. I worried before DS arrived that I could not possibly love another kid as much as I loved DD, or what would I do if I loved the new one more? So when it happened and not only did I love DS beyond anything I'd ever experienced, I loved DD even more for what she was. Sugary sweet, yes -- but so against anything else in my life it fascinated me.
Even more interesting to me is my mother's ability to make us feel as if each grandkid is her absolute favorite. Each one is to her, but the others aren't slighted at all in the process. Contrast with in-laws who have a clear favorite and don't hesitate to shove it in everyone's face to the detriment of the non-favorite grandchildren.

One day in my early 20s, I was joking around with my mom and said, "We ALL know I'm your favorite!" Her eyes got HUGE and she panicked a little and said, "OH! You're not supposed to know that!" It was enormously funny, since I'd never really gotten the sense that I was her favorite.

along this same note, I got the following by email the other day and think it's lovely:

“The Love of Two”
I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?
Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.
I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t”, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.
You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.
But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him, as though I am betraying you.
But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.
More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.
But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.
I watch how he adores you – as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.
I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you – only differently.
And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.
I love you – both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.
Author Unknown

newslinks, that was beautiful and really struck home with me. Thank you for sharing it.

Growing up, somehow my father managed to make all three of his daughters feel special and favored. We didn't realize until we were all in our twenties that we had all three had the same experience of thinking we were the favorite girl, but not talking about it or using our favored position against our sisters.

My brother was always *the* favorite - he was the only boy, youngest child, and really just an amazing person. Everybody in the family, including grandparents and cousins, would pick him first.

I had the good luck to be Grandma's favorite grandaughter, and she never tried to hide her favorites. That really was just luck though, she never had a daughter and always wanted one very, very much, and I was the first girl grandchild, so ...

My own kids would surprise me very much if they thought one was a favorite. Older son is a lot like me in terms of personality, world view, etc. but he has his father's amazing musical and auditory gifts, and he's wonderfully entertaining, whether it's singing standards and pop tunes, or imitating celebrity's voices. Younger son is more like DH personality-wise. He likes music, but isn't a stunningly-good performer - pretty good, certainly better than the average-Joe, but probably not enough potential to make a living at it. He's a social butterfly, has never met a stranger, only new friends he hasn't met before, and he's Mr. Charm everywhere he goes. I can't pick a favorite kid. They both make my life wonderful, funny, and filled with love, each in his own way.

I'll admit to having a favorite niece, though. She's my favorite sister's only child, and I've been very involved with her life beginning when I spent 30 hours supporting my sister in labor and video-taped the birth. My other nieces live in GA, though, so maybe I'd feel more attached to them if I weren't 3000 miles away and had spent more time with them.

If my parents have a favorite grandchild, it never shows. And I bet dear old dad is somehow giving all his granddaughters that same magical sence of being special that he did for his daughters.

My parents and grandparents went out of their way to treat each of us equally and still do to this day even though my brothers and I are now in our 40s.

It is the right and only way to treat your children and the philosophy I plan to follow.

One thing I've learned as an older first-time parent is that all young children are special and good at the core - it is only their parents that can be bad.