Why don't you jump on the trampoline too? Sounds like you could use the fun

"I am always left wondering why defending my parenting choices hasn’t come easier"

Grow a spinal cord, don't let the kid do the thing you don't like, and don't waste time defending your choices.

"why parents feel the need to explain and persuade me why my decision is the wrong one! "

For the same reason you wrote this guest blog and felt the need to explain your decision about trampolines! Are you a doormat in other areas of your life?

Sometimes there's just no point trying to get people to understand your parenting choices. When I can remember to not engage in the debate, and simply say, "that's not what we do in our family," and change the subject, I feel better about the whole thing. After all, I don't want them to convince/judge me; and I don't feel a need to convince/judge them.

Emily, if your biggest conflict in life is over a trampoline, life is pretty good for you. Overall, I think you should stand your ground. I have heard about the dangers of tramploines and I wonder if they just mean the large outside ones with out nets. I have seen some very small ones that don't appear to be any more dangerous than jumping on a bed. Kids like to jump. I think it is just part of their nature. I guess the fine line is finding a jumping activity that you find safe enough.

Personally, I don't think there is any justification needed. I would just state loud and clear that you don't allow your child to do X. If parents want to snicker let them.

You will find in this world the range of parenting choices as far as a rainbow. Overall, I think most are fine and kids do turn out fine by the grace of God. I love the commercial when the father says, she won't make it to three, five, ten, 20 etc.. and then the kids graduates from college in one piece. I have found the vast amount of parenting choices are neither right or wrong. Just what fits each parents temperment.

I feel bad for your kid(s).

I can't keep my kids of the neighbor's trampoline because I can't stay off of it myself.

If you're concerned with the kids or trampoline owners not following the safety precautions, how about standing right there while your kid jumps, making sure HE is following the safety rules (close the safety net, one at a time, no flipping, etc.) I prefer to teach my child to be responsible in her activities than forbid her from participating, especially with regards to something that is GREAT exercise.

On the other hand, I can't believe another parent would try to convince you to change your mind in front of your son. That person's behavior is a bit over the top.

Outside of the woman trying to convince her that she is wrong right in front of the child, my issue was with the mother herself.

She lied right in front of her child about something that wasn't even worth lying about. Really do you want your child to learn that it is OK to lie when the truth is not convenient?

Luckily, our children are pretty truthful but I am certain it is not because of their father.

They want to go to the pool. He doesn't. He says the pool is closed. They ask me. He wants me to lie too. WTF? I am not going to lie just to get out of the kids bugging me to go to the pool. And sadly, one example of many lies that I have heard him tell to the kids. Usually they come to light when the kids come to ask me a question and then say.... "But that isn't what Papa said." ARGH!!!!!

I hate to be agreeing with jezebel3 but "Grow a spinal cord". This is not what you want to be modeling to your children. Or is it? I know I don't want to be modeling shame about my choices and beliefs.

If your response to the woman is something other than, "We've evaluated the safety information and have a "no trampoline' rule in our family," why WOULD she let it go? You give flimsy support for your position, then you ultimately say, "you're probably right", then you lie. What your kid heard is, "mom is preventing me from going on the trampoline and she doesn't even have a good reason". I can't wait to see how your strategy of misinformation and avoidance works out when your disagreements with other parents are about teenage sex, underage drinking, etc.

If you believe your parenting choice is the right one, why wouldn't you engage civilly with another parent and pass on your reasons? Agree to disagree after you've expressed yourselves like adults. Do you also have trouble responding like an adult when someone inquires as to why you don't like cilantro?

I have a similar bugaboo about trampolines. I spent too many years reading the CPSC newsletters about injuries and attending product safety conferences to think it's a good idea for my kid to be on one (for me, it's not just that injuries are common, it's that they're often severe). So, she's not allowed. There are tons of other fun things that I let her do.

I don't have a problem making decisions for my kids and sticking to them. I figure my friends will understand, and I don't really care what people who aren't my friends think. And even with some of my friends, there are situations/issues on which we agree to disagree. No big deal.

This isn't about the trampoline, people -- you are missing the point. We all make different choices on some things than a host of people who feel entitled to lecture us, berate us even, about why we're nuts. You have to love it. Didn't you get enough of this while you were pregnant about your food and drink choices/failure to do yoga/birth plan/getting your hair dyed? Seriously - lay off the woman about the trampoline already.

But here is my suggestion for Emily: I refuse to explain to people, and I've mastered a tone of voice that lets them know that it's not open for discussion and they are not going to convince me. It's not belligerent, just flat and final. "We don't do trampolines."

If they are stupid enough to keep pushing me, I will do one of two things. One, I will ask why on earth they care so much whether my kid can go on the trampoline? What, exactly, is at work here? Putting it bluntly like that will usually cause people to back down by realizing that they are being pushy and invasive.

Or it won't, which calls for approach number two. I tell them in great detail why I don't allow it, with all of the judgment of their stupidity that this might imply. If they want to push me to explain in detail why I make different choices - fine. I'm not going to worry about the feelings of a person who is too dense to take the previous two hints. I keep the tone light, but I tend to be the kind of person in command of enough facts to be scary.

Since mastering a finality of tone and refusal to give reasons will help with a three year old (no matter how enlightened we are in parenting, there are definitely situations for the "this is not up for debate" voice), I recommend getting good at it now. It really does help with these people who feel the need to get into your business and wallow around.

When I was a kid, my parents wouldn't let us ride bikes without having shoes on. Friends could never understand why this was such a big deal, but it was just one of the rules we lived by and I'm sure it spared us quite a few episodes of scraped and mangled toes. And we weren't socially impaired by it.

You're right about trampolines -- they can be very dangerous. And how are you going to grab the kid who takes an unexpected bounce away from you, even if you're trying to supervise? People who roll their eyes at you are just not fully aware of the risks.

Trust your own instincts, and hold your ground on the things that are important to you. You need to figure out how you're going to handle situations like this, because you will come across them time and again.

We have the same trampoline rule, always have. Don't worry about the other posters. You were trying to be polite and deflect the converstation at a party when others were not. Nothing wrong with that. As for the other parents, you now know what kind of a-holes they are and don't have to waste your time getting to know them.

This wasn't an article about trampoline safety; this was an article about having/not having the temerity to speak up. Particularly in the case of your own child. I will agree with some of the posters that the author needs to learn how to speak up and feel confident in her decisions regarding her child. It appears she has a young son around 3. I truly cannot even imagine what his next years will be if she can't speak up at a birthday party.

You are your child's best advocate. You have to have confidence in your beliefs to ensure that your child will have confidence in his. As another poster said, is this the behavior you want your child to emulate?

I don't want to be insulting, but I would be upset if my child heard me lying about something to prove my point (the injured brother). What else would he think I was lying about? I would be upset if my child agreed with someone else because it was easier than disagreeing. Teens have enough problems without being children who agree with everything.

Whether you are right or wrong about your parenting choices, doesn't really matter. You just need to feel confident enough in them not to tolerate others disagreeing. The author is just at the very beginning of people telling her what she should and should not allow her child to do.

The writer needs to speak up. Now you are letting your inability to speak up override the safety of your child (as you perceive it).

"I am always left wondering why defending my parenting choices hasn’t come easier, but also why parents feel the need to explain and persuade me why my decision is the wrong one!"

Ummm...because they are expressing their opinions, why don't you express yours!

I don't understand why you wouldn't just say "I understand your point of view, but we don't allow that."
It's the lying about it that bugs me, not the underlying rule.
Anonfornow is right, this strategy is only going to teach your child that lying is OK and it's not going to serve you at all once that child is old enough to recognize the lie.
I would suggest counseling to try to find some strategies for standing up for yourself because jezebel's right (Holy Cats!) you are a doormat and you are modeling this behavior for your kid.

I had a similar situation recently. I was at a party with numerous baby pools (not the little ones, they probably were 6 or 8 feet across). The pools were filled to the rim, which I felt was dangerous. My son wanted to go in and I told him there was too much water and let's go play somewhere else. One of the moms gave me the old, oh let him do it. I simply told her it was too much water for him, even with me watching him, and we could find lots of other stuff to do. It was not a big deal. There was no argument. I said what I said and that was it.

I understand the writer's conflict, but it's important as parents that we speak up, especially when it comes to our children's safety.

Agree with most of the others here - if you're having this much trouble defending your parenting choices now, life is gonna be a bee-yotch when they're in their late teens. Nothing like a discussion with another parent who wants to know WHY my daughter's not coming to her house for the big end-of-sophomore-year party (well, because your LAST three parties got raided by the police for underage drinking, is one thing). And a discussion about why my son isn't spending the weekend at a classmate's house, when there will be seven guys, seven girls and no adults for the whole weekend (figure that one out). I'm just not cool; I'm a geek/nerd/square; I have no faith in their kids; etc. Deal with it - our kids; our rules.

(FWIW, I DO let my kids play on trampolines as long as there's supervision and saftey rules followed. It's great exercise and they love it. And as far as injuries, well, with kids now as old as 20, I'm far more worried about: driving; snowboarding; oldest DD's college class in rock climbing (she got an A :-); going off to spend a year in school in Europe or Australia; joining the Army; ...)

I totally empathize with you; I'm non confrontational too and I would have stumbled over my words and wondered why in the world these people were trying to convince me of letting my child do something I clearly wasn't comfortable with. Ugh. I think it's great that you were able to come up with a plausible excuse - I would have just stumbled and turned red and said something unbelievable! Sorry there are so many negative comments here...don't let it get you down.

I have one of those dreaded trampolines in my yard and I hold my breath everytime my grandson gets on it; especially if his father is on it also. Thankfully, he has never gotten hurt, but I hate the thing!

seems to me like another case of hand-wringing over something innocuous and harmless.

it may be fun and/or funny to retell the story over cocktails, but i really hope you're not spending too much energy analyzing your response (or lack thereof).

the whole conversation seems fairly normal - some mom was being silly and came across a little pushy. parent lied (gasp) in front of her kid to avoid a drawn-out conversation about it.

i don't see much offense from any perspective.

I agree with moxiemom1 that "[y]ou were trying to be polite and deflect the conversation at a party when others were not." Rude of them not to drop it, but now you know you don't want to hang out with them any more than necessary.

I also agree with BadMommy1 that the finality of tone thing works wonders. If there's no room for discussion, then it's hard for people to continue to hassle you. No confrontation needed!

I like her suggestion too about going into great detail about your decision when they continue to press you after the "no discussion" tone. While I haven't been able to use this tactic, when I'm with irritating people sometimes I secretly hope that my "no discussion" tone doesn't work and I can go there. Alas for me that the "no discussion" tone works a little too well.

I agree wtih Jezelbel and everyone else who said the author needs to get a backbone. You don't want your kids to play on trampolines, that's your decision and you shouldn't feel bad about it.

The problem is most parents seem to be so oversensitive about the choices they make. The reason other parents try to persuade her that her choices are wrong is because it makes them feel better about their own choices. But if everyone would just stop feeling so insecure about their parenting decisions then it wouldn't matter.

Interestingidea1234,

parent lied (gasp)

You make it sound like no big deal that the parent lied. I think this is a big deal because children are emulators. I watch the kids pick up my habits and my husband's habits. They make no distinction between good/bad, rude/polite actions that they copy. They copy them all and when you take them to task for some bad habit they pick up, they say right back to you, But... Papa does it or But... you do it.

Now maybe you think its OK to lie in certain social situations but I can guarantee you that a child can't make those distinctions and will lie when it suits him because all he understands is that you lied when it suited you. And then fast forward a few years to when the child is a teenager....

"I like her suggestion too about going into great detail about your decision when they continue to press you after the "no discussion" tone. While I haven't been able to use this tactic, when I'm with irritating people sometimes I secretly hope that my "no discussion" tone doesn't work and I can go there. Alas for me that the "no discussion" tone works a little too well."

The concern here is that you're likely going to have to interact with these people over a long period of time, so I'd encourage politeness until you just can't be polite any more. Otherwise you'll be the one known as the rude (son of a) bee-yotch. Sometimes that's necessary, but not that often.

Actually I can relate because my kids and I have had to deal with this issue relative to television. When folks find out we don't have a television, you'd be surprised at the defensive comments. But really I didn't make this choice as a way to critize people who've made a different decision. I don't need to hear about all the good and educational shows on TV!

My kids appear to be quite comfortable with this issue and they deal with it more than I do since adults/teachers etc tend to ask "what's your favorite TV show?" as a get-to-know-you question. Kids figure out very quickly that adults have varied rules and beliefs and it's no big deal.

The other mom was way out of line--especially when she got your son involved. Next time, just say "I don't want him to jump on the trampoline, and let's leave it at that." That will shut anyone up.

I think ArmyBrat makes a good point. One of the more challenging parts of this parenting gig is having to socialize with people you wouldn't normally choose. It can indeed be a fine line to tread especially when the children are involved. I also think that for some people it takes some time to learn how to be a strong advocate when they may not have that type of personality naturally.

Those who are berating her for not being more confrontational are really no better than those who berated her for not letting her child go on the trampoline. If she can find a way to model polite behavior in the light of impolite behavior, I think that is a wonderful lesson for her children. I agree that it is important, especially when the children are young to be very absolute about lying, but I think in this case, the child wasn't aware that she wasn't telling the whole truth, so no harm done.

The danger that most stinking soccer moms put their children in is amazing. ATVs. Trampolines. Junk food. Lack of protective gear. The best thing to do in those cases is to leave. Trampolines can easily put a child in a wheelchair. Don't let those stinking soccer moms put your child in danger. They don't have your child's safety in mind, only their own fun.

This attitude that Emily did something seriously wron by telling a lie in front of her kid is bunk. Expressing something that isn't true is wrong only if it is used to subvert justice, harmful or has the capacity to be harmful.

If my kid comes home from school and tells me that he had to battle a 3-eyed, fire-breathing, 50 foot monster to make it home, well, this is the kind of stuff I encourage, otherwise all fiction should be considered a lie and therefore, not to be tolerated.

I'd agree too that part of the reason for why there was a "conflict" (not much of one really) is because you avoided the situation and seemed timid. If you had just said, I read this report about XXXX numbers of trampoline injuries every year and how unsafe they are. One thing to add: I'm assuming that you let your child do other things and that the trampoline is one of the few you restrict. Just be careful that you aren't overprotecting him and making him fearful. I have a friend in her 30s today who is a fearful person who thinks bad things are always around the corner. It's largely because of how her parents raised her. They didn't let her have a swing set because it was too dangerous. She did not mow the lawn as a teenager: too dangerous. On and on. She's had therapy for years, trying to become a more capable and confident adult. She's messed up and it's because her parents were way too overprotective of her and made her feel that she could not take care of herself.

Wait, how was the other mom "out of line" for asking the son about the trampoline? Emily hadn't said anything at that point to indicate that there was a problem. The mom asked if her son wanted to play on the trampoline, she said he was happy playing with the obstacle course. Then the son finished with the obstacle course and came over. Why wouldn't it be completely natural to say, hey, now that you're done with that, do you want to try the trampoline? Why would the other mom have had any reason to think that would be inappropriate? You can't get angry at someone for not being a mind reader.

This whole passive-aggressive schtick gets old quickly. If you don't want your kid to do something, it's really easy to just say so, without being defensive, accusatory, feeling you have to justify yourself, etc. Just say, eh, we don't do that; that will make the issue go away 90% of the time. And the other 10% are folks you probably don't want to hang with anyway.

Irony: refusing to address the issue up front is more likely to trigger the judgmental response you're so desperate to avoid. Why? When you avoid the issue, and the other parent inadvertently steps in it, she is going to feel bad. And sometimes when people feel bad, they get defensive and try to turn it into your fault (you're overly sensitive, everybody does it, etc). Not the most attractive character trait, but fairly natural and common.

This doesn't have to be a big deal. Most people just really don't give a hoot whether you let your kid play on trampolines. They just don't want to find out they're walking in a minefield when they're already in the middle of it.

Emily, think about shifting your point of view. Instead of looking at this as defending your parenting choices, look at this as defending the well being of your son. Take the "you" out of the situation and put in "your son" instead. You may find that you have no problem speaking out. As earlier posters have pointed out, you are your son's model for social behavior, morals, etc. The mother that challenged your choice in front of your son clearly overstepped the line, but if you had shifted the way that you received her comments you could have used that as an opportunity to reinforce your reasons with your son (He was listening to your conversation, right?) in real-time while talking to her. You have no control over someone else's opinions, but you do have control over how you receive and react to those opinions.

I also find that I get sucked into defending my choices, when it's none of the other person's business.

Try this: "Would you like it if I questioned your decisions in front of your child?"

Or maybe more to the point: "I'm sure that you don't mean to be rude, but I really think that this is none of your business."

Or my favorite: "Thank you for your opinion. I'll be sure to give it appropriate consideration." [Hee-hee...]

Will she ever be a friend of yours, after such an exchange? No. But then, I'm guessing that she wouldn't be at the top of your list of potential new friends, anyway.

Often, folks don't accept the "we don't do trampolines" statement because they feel it somehow threatens them - a suggestion that their choice for their own kid is wrong, or that they are negligent hosts for providing a dangerous activity. Often these folks are insecure in their decision-making skills and tend to go with the majority ("well, if everyone else is doing it, it must be safe") and so don't appreciate someone who thinks differently.

We used to have that problem with movies - "but it's PG! It's OK for kids!" we'd hear from other parents when we would veto a movie that we thought had too much gratuitous violence. Folks could get quite snippy, as if we were casting aspersions on their own choices, just because we didn't agree with the rating system. (Our kids didn't feel too underprivileged, as we often permitted activities other parents vetoed, again after careful consideration. Mostly, the kids agreed with our decisions.)

This skill of making your own decision and refusing to let someone put you on the defensive about it is an important one to model for kids. You'll be much rewarded when you hear them turn down an invitation to the party "everyone's going to" because they don't want to be out that late, or because they don't really like what will happen at the party, or because they have homework (that last really happened recently - we were shocked, amazed and pleased).

I agree that the author needs to learn to be firm and stand by her parental decisions, politely. It is especially important to develop a firm way of saying no now, so that her child will understand that no means no. It is equally important to teach by example. She had an opportunity to teach manners and courage (sticking to one's internal convictions). Our children do learn to imitate our strengths and our weaknesses.

"Will she ever be a friend of yours, after such an exchange? No. But then, I'm guessing that she wouldn't be at the top of your list of potential new friends, anyway."

Somewhat short-sighted, I'd say, especially if this is someone you're just meeting and your kids are likely to interact for a long time.

Here's an example - I was coaching a softball team; we had our first practice. Afterward, I had to run over to another daughter's practice; youngest DD was coming with me. One mother of a player new to the team came over and said she was taking her daughter out for dinner; could youngest DD join them? I said no; youngest DD had eaten (although she mostly played and didn't eat) before practice and she had to come with me to big sis' practice. The mother persisted - her daughter didn't know anyone on the team yet; this was a good chance to make a new friend; she'd bring youngest DD back to the field after they ate; and if money was the concern she'd happily pay.

Was this mother somewhat rude/naive/over the line? Yes, in my book. But rather than be rude back/write her off as ever being a friend, I politely (as politely as I could) explained that youngest DD had eaten dinner before practice; if she was claiming to still be hungry it would be a good lesson in eating properly; and that while I appreciated the mother's offer and her daughter's desire to make a new friend, youngest DD would be coming with me to her sister's practice, as she was supposed to do. I somehow managed to do this without offending the mother.

She wound up being my assistant coach for several years after that; her family and my family are still very good friends and our daughters still spend a lot of time together. So please don't "guess" that this person won't be a potential friend; you're likely to be interacting for a while and you might well be able to get along.

I am a trampoline owner. It is by far the best investment for kid's entertainment as well as personal physical conditioning that I've ever made. My kids love it. Their friends love it. It's a great thing to have when throwing parties that children attend. I started this very morning doing my regular 20 minute routine. I can't say enough good things about having a backyard trampoline...

But I fully realize that they are very, very, very dangerous and prone to injuries. And even after having said that, I admit that we don't have a safety net and regularly ignore the 1 person only rule. (Gosh darn those rules, they are always getting in the way of fun!)

However, no child has been, or ever will be allowed on the trampoline without express verbal permission from a parent, and in getting this permission, I've seen Emily's conversation (debate?) played out a number of times amung our guests, most notably between husband & wife. (Interestingly enough, it was the dads who denied permission)

Anyway, the dialog between Emily and the other guests can be summed up into two words - peer pressure. People advocate for what they think will bring about the most happiness, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that as long as it is done in a respectful manner. (as was done in Emily's case) Yes, peer pressure, you would think that by the time a person becomes a parent that they would be used to dealing with it. As long as one has peers, it's not going to go away. Ever.

It is shameful how many people have gotton on here to berat the author of this blog. It is no wonder the author feels the way she does or takes the steps she has to when dealing with other parents. People just don't listen and only want approval with what they do. Please keep the judgements to yourself!

And Emily.... my earlier comment wasn't meant to be a criticism. I was just trying to share with you what ended up working for me. Before my son was born, the word "doormat" was stamped on my forehead.

"Grow a backbone" appears to be code for be loud and opinionated. We've a few experts on that around here if you need any help. She feels trampolines are dangerous and therefore doesn't let her kid jump on a trampoline. She didn't let her kid jump on the trampoline and didn't make a scene.

We never turned on the TV while our kids were awake and very young (

BB

Seems to me a simple "Because I'm his mother and I said so" would be something that everyone could understand.

If children were diving into the shallow end of a pool, would you let your child.

Time to practice being honest with your child... We don't use trampolines in our family because people can have very serious accidents like when a car crashes and we don't have out seat belts on.

To the other mom. "no thank you. We are making other choices today" and change the subject.

Disagreeing with other people is hard but you are modeling this behavior for your children and the other parents who don't have the nerve to disagree with the popular thought.

"You'll be much rewarded when you hear them turn down an invitation to the party "everyone's going to""

Or you may wunder what you did to turn your kid into some wierdo social outcast.

It is shameful how many people have gotton on here to berat the author of this blog.

Posted by: allyvix | July 14, 2009 10:34 AM | Report abuse

Shameful? It's the Net.

"It is no wonder the author feels the way she does or takes the steps she has to when dealing with other parents. "

Um, the author admitted she has CHOSEN to be a doormat ALL OF HER LIFE.

"I am the most non-confrontational person you will meet. This is nothing new; I have been like this throughout life. I am a professional at avoiding delicate situations, dropping a tense conversation or simply telling people what they want to hear. "

I've read all of the posts. But what I think really isn't being said is why this mom doesn't have the tools to defend her point of view or choices for her child. She is obviously asking help in that area. It's easy to say "grow a spinal cord" or "don't lie". Both are giving her a non-constructive way of basically saying, you have a voice, a choice, a mind. You are responsible for another small person's well-being and you do have a right to your opinion. So, constructively, how can she develop thos skills that some of us (may) already have and use?

Personally, I can say that I don't defend my choices for my child to anyone. We all have one main goal, to get the child to adulthood without screwing up. All different paths, one main goal. I state my case, and it's said. If someone wants to go further, I don't.

How did I get that way? My mother had to learn from my grandmother. She didn't want to answer her door to a solicitor. My grandmother told her, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You are the decision maker and that's it.

I'm not a counselor, just a reader. But my advice, is to become more confident in your decision making abilities. Stand firm to what you decide, unless it changes, and it can when different facts are applied. And once you are confident, relay that message to your child. It makes them more confident in your decisions as well. And pretty soon he'll be telling his friends why his mom won't let him play or be in danger, or otherwise and he'll accept it or not and then you'll move on from there.

Yes, this article is about more than trampoline safety, but the fact remains that backyard trampolines are horribly unsafe, and I would never allow my kids on them either. And I'm saying this as a former competitive gymnast who spent a lot of time on a trampoline. I will happily sign my children up for classes where they can learn how to use the trampoline in a safe, supervised environment. Anything less is unacceptable to me.

And yes, I also realize that a child could be hurt while supervised and using the trampoline correctly. That is a risk I am willing to take.

This apparently is what constitutes angst for a wimp. You actually think that merely telling a stranger that your kid is not allowed on a trampoline as hand wringing conflict? I guess it is true, a coward dies a thousand deaths a brave man or woman only once....

BB,

Since I used the phrase, "grow a backbone", I will write in response to your statement that it appears to be code for loud and opinionated. You don't need to be either to stand up for what you believe nor do I think you want to be either with your son standing next to you watching and listening to your social interactions.

My intention with "grow a backbone" is that rather than lying or ducking around the conversation because you are afraid of confrontation you make a simple statement of fact about how you feel. Standing up for what you believe does not need to be done in a rude or impolite manner as ArmyBrat has demonstrated. It comes back to what I said originally when I mentioned it - What do you want to model? Standing up for what you believe in a polite but persistent way or being wishy-washy and compounding that with a lie?

"Because I'm his mother and I said so"

Use this line only if you don't mind appearing stupid and unreasonable in front of others.

I am the most non-confrontational person you will meet. This is nothing new; I have been like this throughout life. I am a professional at avoiding delicate situations, dropping a tense conversation or simply telling people what they want to hear. This possibly wouldn’t even be an issue for me if not for my stringent parenting choices.

I despise this type of claptrap as if it is a badge of honor to be proud of. This is the worst type of friend, employee or associate. Always lying, never standing up for anything, weaseling their way through life and so cowardly that they can't even disagree when they are right for fear of confrontation. You are by far a greater danger to your kid than any trampoline by the example you set.

Having kids helped me learn to speak up; however, it's a process. I can relate to being spineless and not wanting to create a scene and avoid conflict. I am still like that in many ways. However, once you realize that you are allowing someone else to raise your kids, you'll start to grow a backbone. Believe me, you are just starting, and you will have many other situations to practice with, all the way through college!! I can't even begin to tell you what I had to tell my daughter's high school counselor (that's another story). Anyway, it might not come out in the most pleasant way, but folks will get the point. Now that I am perimenopausal, I am LOOKING for situations to speak up and give folks "a piece of my mind," it comes with the territory!

Emily, I think you handled it perfectly. Who want to waste time at a children's birthday party arguing with obtuse, insecure people? Your job is to teach your own child manners, not train other kids' parents how to behave. Walking away for any excuse whatsoever is also another good solution.
The world is full on insecure people who can't tolerate the shame and uncertainty that your unspoken disagreement brings on them. Sometimes it's fun to argue with them, but sometimes you just have better things to do. People like this are just part of life, like bad weather, the occasional cold, or a flat tire. If you want to try a positive spin, disagreement and rudeness do make things more interesting. Being around to be annoyed by people is certainly better that the alternative.

"Who want to waste time at a children's birthday party arguing with obtuse, insecure people?"

Arguing? Say your decision and then STOP talking! No justifications, no excuses. Just a smile and then go refresh your kool aid. end of story.

Let me guess, the parents saying that the trampoline "is no big deal" are exactly the ones who are going to be suing the homeowners when their kid takes a bad bounce and breaks their neck.

"Grow a backbone" appears to be code for be loud and opinionated. We've a few experts on that around here if you need any help. She feels trampolines are dangerous and therefore doesn't let her kid jump on a trampoline. She didn't let her kid jump on the trampoline and didn't make a scene.

Posted by: FairlingtonBlade | July 14, 2009 10:38 AM | Report abuse

"Grow a backbone" means stand up for yourself without feeling bad about it.

And yes, she was able to keep her child from jumping on the trampoline without cuasing a scene, but she also felt bad enough about the whole thing that she had to write a blog about it. It seems to me that if she can't stand up for herself without it turning into an overwrought drama, then she really needs to become more confident in her decisions.

Re BadMommy1 (8:24 AM) --
I agree completely!!

I am generally not an overly worried Daddy, but just watching a few minutes of kids trampolining made it pretty clear to me that this was not too safe. So we didn't allow it for our kid. If others have a problem with that, who cares?

Oh, and since then a sweet nephew of mine had a few teeth knocked out, and their trampoline is now out of service!

as someone who spent her childhood, and then a fair amount of adulthood, involved in gymnastics, backyard trampolines make me want to cry. I do everything possible to talk people out of buying them. Yes, trampolines are fun--they're also dangerous. I've heard stories of people not being renewed for their homeowner's insurance because of the purchase of a backyard trampoline. They are dangerous and should not be on the market. If your kid wants to bounce on trampolines, sign them up for gymnastics class.

I understand the frustration of people butting in on other's parenting. My mother does it ALL the time. As soon as I say to my son "no", she says, in front of him, "oh, let him do it". Arrgh! She's had her kids, she had her choices, now it's my turn! But if I say anything to her I feel like I'm being disrespectful. Well, I finally had to say to her Mother, I love you but this is my child and I make the choices for him. She understood and has tried to keep her opinions to herself. I have to creit her with trying.

I am stunned, absolutely stunned, by the level of vitriol of some of the comments directed at the original post. Mother is afraid for her kid's safety but not comfortable outright in saying no, especially in the face of pressure from other "well-meaning" parents. The most important fact here is that she wanted her kid not to go on the trampoline and that's what happened. But all the Monday morning quarterbacks decide to rip her because, gasp, she lies or because she was not strong enough, in their opinion.

I understand that with blogs there is anonymity, but c'mon people! Would you talk like this to your boss, brother, sister or someone else close to you? If you do, then you are likely unemployed and/or friendless.

I have given in, at times, to pressure to do things with my kids that I don't like. (Biggest bugaboo is when people insist on introducing their dogs to your kids, as if they were people.) The answer (IMHO) is not to be in people's face all them time, telling them to buzz off. Nor is it to extensively and objectively evaluate the danger in each situation. It is to recognize your limitations (and we all have them) and learn how to face them.

I used to like the insights from previous discussions from some of those people whose comments bugged me today. Guess I was wrong about their level of understanding and knowledge.

Shame.

It is shameful how many people have gotton on here to berat the author of this blog. It is no wonder the author feels the way she does or takes the steps she has to when dealing with other parents. People just don't listen and only want approval with what they do.
Posted by: allyvix | July 14, 2009 10:34 AM |

"Grow a backbone" appears to be code for be loud and opinionated.

Posted by: FairlingtonBlade | July 14, 2009 10:38 AM

Huh? Geez, why is adult communication so fraught with peril for some of you? "Grow a backbone" is code only for communicate clearly as an adult, rather than lie and tell others with whom you disagree on a SAFETY issue that they, and not you, are probably right. It's the misleading that seems girly and wish-washy. Not the author's opinion. Whomever said, she's waiting for others to read her mind is correct. Other parents don't have time to be good hosts and mind-read. They also aren't looking for a fight, just a clue. From the parent. It's not that hard to get along.

If you cannot express yourself clearly in a social setting without being loud, opinionated and confrontational, you need counseling. "We don't do trampolines in our family because we don't think they are safe. Not everyone agrees. Tomato. Tomahto. Tommy, let's go get another Coke."

All of you who are attacking the author probably have absolute, utter, demon spawn brats. You are bullying this woman, which probably means you raising bullies yourselves!

"Grow a backbone" is code only for communicate clearly as an adult, rather than lie and tell others with whom you disagree on a SAFETY issue that they, and not you, are probably right".

Gee, that kind of attitude must win you lots of friends.

We've seen a lot of experienced folks commenting on the dangers of backyard trampolines, which begs the question - why did the writer feel so uncomfortable defending her choice?

It does seem that people who research and make choices that go against "peer pressure" are labeled "fun-suckers" (as evidenced by WhackyWeasel's comments). Anyone old enough to remember when seat belts were non-existent? Folks who had them and wore them were certainly not "fun" but they lived (I lived through a deadly crash with only bruises - 'nuff said).

What seems to be at issue here is respect - if the writer had kept her kid from eating the pork hotdogs for religious reasons, or from eating the cake for allergy reasons, would pushy mom have bucked her? Doubt it. Why should it be any different?

A few problems with this situation:

1) If you are going to have rules you need to stand up for them and explain them to the child. If your child is upset he could not jump on the trampoline, google a video of someone getting hurt on one. I'm sure there are thousands. I know someone who sprained an ankle on one and it had all the safety equipment.

2) If you need to lie to explain a rule in your family you either are not sure of the rule yourself or you need to act more like an adult. All you needed to say was:
"This is a rule in our family. I don't decide the rules in your family do I?"
Lying to justify your position shows a little immaturity when in reality it was the other parents being immature. I suggest you think this over. You are not only a parent, you are an adult and need to learn to stand up for your positions to immature people like those parents.

3) Find new friends. That may be difficult if they are neighbors but who needs friends who question your parenting in front of your child? Especially on safety. I don't know anyone who would have questioned a parent like that in front of a child. You shouldn't either.

Dadat39,

If you measure success by the number of friends you have who don't actually know anything about you because you're too busy lying, obfuscating and saying things you don't mean, you're too much of a game-player to make any real friends. Are you still putting ketchup on your hot dogs because that's how your friends eat theirs? Then you belong in grade school.

Adults don't have to agree all the time to be friends. Adults also don't equate disagreement with being jerks, loud, confrontational or any of the other loaded adjectives the whiny and spineless have used here today. Calling others insecure and obtuse because they can't see through your schtick is blaming the victim.

I am OLD! My birthday parties, starting when I was school age, (not three) were roller skating parties with the organ music, a big ole birthday cake and no injuries. Everybody seemed to know how to roller skate, as that was one of about 5 presents we got each Christmas, skates! I think trampolines are for the birds. I did have an old twin bed mattress on the floor of my den for winter jumps, when the children got cabin fever!That's as far off the ground as they needed to be.

I once "helped" a woman off my front porch years ago, when she suggested that until I could find a better job, my four children might be better off in the local children's home!!! If I had had more muscle I would have thrown her off the porch! Figure out your parenting style and stick to it, and if anybody gets on your foot, it is YOUR job to get them off! Cheers from the Sierra Nevada Mountains ( it is gorgeous up here!)

(Because I'm not always a total grownup, I will give in to temptation and engage WhackyWeasel):

"Or you may wunder what you did to turn your kid into some wierdo social outcast."

Hun, the fact that the kids are getting invited to such parties should be a clue they are not social outcasts. Save your scorn for someone who needs it - say the folks who let themselves be talked into something unsafe because they don't want to be "outcasts" - better to be dead than not cool.

"Because I'm his mother and I said so"
Use this line only if you don't mind appearing stupid and unreasonable in front of others.
Posted by: WhackyWeasel

So let me get this straight, the mother should be more worried about whether she appears stupid or unreasonable than the safety of her child? You must not be a parent. If you are, do you know where your kids are now? I'm guessing no.

The reason wishy-washy people get pushed around and told what to do is because they cant make decisions on their own and figure it out for themselves. So it leaves it up to those of us who know better to instruct them on their inadequacies.

Reminds me of that line a famous person once said, though I forgot his name: "Lead, Follow, or get the hell out of the way."

"Grow a backbone" is code only for communicate clearly as an adult, rather than lie and tell others with whom you disagree on a SAFETY issue that they, and not you, are probably right".

Gee, that kind of attitude must win you lots of friends. "

I am in the parent business if my making decisions that protect my kids cost me "friends", so what.

anon, I agree with most of what you said including the statements: Adults don't have to agree at all times to be friends.

My point is that your statement "Grow a backbone" is out of line and won't make anyone a friend of yours, even the ones you are related to.

I think you use it here because you are anonymous but that does not make it right.

"Often, folks don't accept the "we don't do trampolines" statement because they feel it somehow threatens them - a suggestion that their choice for their own kid is wrong, or that they are negligent hosts for providing a dangerous activity. Often these folks are insecure in their decision-making skills and tend to go with the majority ("well, if everyone else is doing it, it must be safe") and so don't appreciate someone who thinks differently.

We used to have that problem with movies - "but it's PG! It's OK for kids!" we'd hear from other parents when we would veto a movie that we thought had too much gratuitous violence. Folks could get quite snippy, as if we were casting aspersions on their own choices, just because we didn't agree with the rating system"

This is an excellent point. Your refusal makes THEM feel bad and to make THEMSELVES feel better they try to convince you to alter course.Avoiding hurting people's feelings is a bottomless pit that can suck you in and make you do things that are not in your or your kids interests.Proceed with caution...

In my old neighborhood a few years ago a child suffered a ruptured spleen on a trampoline.

This is an excellent point. Your refusal makes THEM feel bad and to make THEMSELVES feel better they try to convince you to alter course.Avoiding hurting people's feelings is a bottomless pit that can suck you in and make you do things that are not in your or your kids interests.Proceed with caution...
Posted by: pwaa

Oh yea, and we're just talking about little kids. Wait until you try to have a teenager birthday party and parents question you on your stance against any alcohol being there. If you can't stand up to peer pressure about trampolines now you better start working on your peer pressure skills. It will get worse as they get older. Forget trampoline's, think about when your 16 year old daughter drops this on you:

"Oh mom and dad, me and my friends was to the beach for a week. No boys, no alcohol, I swear! And Judy's and Suzy's mom said they could go..."

and Judy and Suzy's parents really are ok with their kids going.

Again, find new friends who care about the safety of their children as much as you do. You've seen nothing yet.

Right or wrong, Emily's parenting choices should be respected by the other mothers. The other mothers were out of line by questioning her decision in front of her child. The are the type of parents that want their children to be their friends. I predict that the other mothers will both be arrested some day for hosting high school beer parties.
As for Emily, stop being a wuss and take your kid's helmet off. Let him be a kid. He's not made of glass. He'll grow up to be too afraid to do anything or take any chances.

"Again, find new friends who care about the safety of their children as much as you do. You've seen nothing yet."

You are 100 percent correct, it only gets worse and then the kids are on THEIR side.Trampolines are small potatoes.... "Friends' who encorage your underage kid to drink are not friends at all and are actually breaking the law. drop like a hot potato.

The whole conversation was summed up pretty good by the following poster:

"Sometimes there's just no point trying to get people to understand your parenting choices. When I can remember to not engage in the debate, and simply say, "that's not what we do in our family," and change the subject, I feel better about the whole thing. After all, I don't want them to convince/judge me; and I don't feel a need to convince/judge them.

Posted by: agmeyer | July 14, 2009 7:54 AM" |

I've pretty much concluded that a lot of these "conversations" between parents are a waste of time, and politely stating your decision and changing the subject is an excellent out.

BTW, I am not a huge trampoline fan. My neighbor had one growing up and it scared the heck out of me, basically because kids were flying around in the back yard like circus act and I was reserved little kid. My kids are much more outgoing but haven't had much experiences with trampolines, except for the little mini tramps we bought them for Xmas last year. We've discovered quite a few "obstacle courses" in the basement that require jumping off the stairs, onto the mini-tramp, into the couch and rolling out. It looks pretty dangerous and we put the kabosh on it several times, but so far there have been no injuries.

As my husband always says "good thing kids are so bendable, otherwise they'd be dead".

"do you know where your kids are now?"

Let's see, my oldest is at George Mason's orientation where she will be attending this fall. My next has a babysitting gig today. And my 2 boys are at the swimming pool where my youngest just called and reminded me not to forget to bring home some gum.

Let me add that I'm no longer worried about the youngest drowning in a backyard pool, which just a few weeks ago was a huge fear of mine . We went to a 4th of July party where I told him to stay in the shallow end. I asked my friends around to keep an eye on him. The next thing I knew, I heard him jumping off the diving board. How he learned to swim, I haven't a clue.

My personal opinion about Emily and the other guests is that all were reasonable and curteous to one another. I can't count the times that other parents have asked permission like, "Can your son have a piece of cake?" or "Can your daughter come over tonight?" right in front of them. I either say "sure", or "no" with a short explaination, or request more information to make a better informed decision. I've never given it a second thought that the parent asking for my permission on behalf of my kid was being rude. They were just trying to persuade me. Nothing wrong with that.

1. I usually just state the 'family rules' if that means no trampoline, that means no trampoline. The other mom may (probably does) have her own set of 'family rules'.

2. Like others, I was more bothered by the lying and the rather weak position taken by the author. Kids know when you're lying (just like you know when they're lying). If you don't feel like explaining to anyone, just state your rule. Don't try to justify it.

3. As for trampolines, I've decided to ban them ever since a friend of mine who had a trampoline for her children said she banned any child whose father or mother was a lawyer. Hmmm....

Bravo to the writer for protecting her 3 year old. Trampolines are dangerous. Protecting a toddler from trampolines today is good training for protecting the future child from more dangerous situations. Stand your ground-no bouncing!
Of the 104,752 trampoline injuries reported in 2008:

88% were children under 18

76% happened at home

1.8% required hospitalization

Injury breakdown

16% ankle

14% knee and lower leg

11% hand, wrist, fingers

10.5% head and neck

10% arms

10% trunk

9% face and mouth

7% feet

12.5% other

Injuries by year

2008 - 104,752

2007 - 107,435

2006 - 109,522

2005 - 108,029

2004 - 111,851

2003 - 98,395

2002 - 89,393

Sources: U.S. Consumer Products Safety Commission, American Academy of Pediatrics

"My point is that your statement "Grow a backbone" is out of line and won't make anyone a friend of yours, even the ones you are related to."

Uh, actually, I never used that phrase. I would, however, be quite comfortable having this disagreement over parenting in real life with relatives or friends. It would take about 20 seconds before we'd share an adult beverage and change the topic. Friends are what secure, grown folks make because we have interests and points of view in common and don't take ourselves so seriously that the phrase "grow a backbone" makes us quiver in fear.

I am a different Emily (the original Emily to this blog anyway) and I have a similar but opposite problem. I am fairly relaxed about certain things, and my son is allowed certain things, on a limited basis, that some other parents ban entirely. For example, if we are on vacation or at an outing, I let him drink soda, eat junkfood, and stay up later than usual. I was on vacation with another family that is much more restrictive, and they constantly questioned me on some things. The mom would see him help himself to a Sprite for example, and call across the room, "Junior is drinking Sprite. Do you allow that?" And I would answer, "Yes. That's fine." It happened on a few occasions until I just told them, "Ya know, if you see Junior doing something that your kids aren't allowed to do, just chalk it up to my permissive parenting and don't worry. If he breaks any of my rules, I will deal with it. But since I have so few of them, it probably won't happen."

This pretty much ended the constant tattling which was driving me crazy. I'm never going on vacation with that crowd again.

One in every 20 bicyclists is injured annually.
A bicyclist can expect a minor injury every three years and a more serious one every fifteen.
A bicyclist is about 5 times more likely to get injured per mile than traveling in a car.

Please, please, please, don't let your kid ride a bicycle! Drive them. Bicycles are dangerous!

(Stats taken from the Bicycle Almanac)
http://bicycleuniverse.info/transpo/almanac-safety.html

WhackyWeasel at 2:35, I agree with your point.

So (to conclude this discussion), we need to find where we draw the line between safety and fun...

And then be secure enough in ourselves and our decisions to politely fend off other (most-likely well-meaning) parents.

We all good with that?

WhackyWeasel, why are you so hung up on this "not allowing kids on backyard trampolines means you're an overprotective parent who is raising socially-inept kids" thing?

babloom, thank you for those stats. 3 out of every 4 trampoline injuries happen on backyard trampoline. I'd venture that well more then 3 out of 4 serious injuries also happens on these unsafe, unsupervised or not supervised by a properly trained adult trampolines.

RedBirdie, I'm looking back in my posts and seeing nothing that I said about overprotective parents or socially inept kids. Nothing.

"3 out of every 4 trampoline injuries happen on backyard trampoline."

I'd bet that at least 75% of the total trampolining is done on backyard trampolines. But without knowing that stat, it's impossible to say how relevant the first stat is.

Dennis, I would be surprised if 75% of trampolining was done in backyards.

emily would be better served if she taught her son how to stand up for himself. that would be a far better safety lesson than no trampoline. how does she plan on teaching her son how to say no with confidence when she can't say it herself?

The author didn't feel bad about it, just irritated that other parents kept pushing. I'm not a vegetarian, but I'd be angry if someone kept pushing burgers on my kid if we didn't eat meat. Meanwhile, jezebel and pwaa (the resident trolls) decided to use the writer as a human trampoline. Bravo.

BB

Posted by: FairlingtonBlade | July 14, 2009 4:33 PM

Another stuart smalley person who is proud of never making waves....yawn

Wackey,
I think the reference may have been to this...

"Or you may wunder what you did to turn your kid into some wierdo social outcast.

Posted by: WhackyWeasel | July 14, 2009 10:44 AM"

WhackyWeasel brings up (perhaps not on purpose) a good point:

"Let me add that I'm no longer worried about the youngest drowning in a backyard pool, which just a few weeks ago was a huge fear of mine . We went to a 4th of July party where I told him to stay in the shallow end. I asked my friends around to keep an eye on him. The next thing I knew, I heard him jumping off the diving board. How he learned to swim, I haven't a clue."

Having a kid who can walk but can not swim is probably more dangerous than letting a kid on any backyard trampoline.

Obviously, Whacky's friend was not able to watch the kid well enough, if he got to the diving board unobserved - you just can't count on such things, as many parents have found out to their sorrow. Kids are good at getting into pools, even fenced ones.

However, there are still way too many 3+ year-old out there that can't swim.

Parents are not necessarily good judges of risks, since studies have shown that most adult humans are not good at it. For example, people who don't believe in seat belts worry about getting hit by lightening, even though deadly car crashes are much more common.

So, in addition to having to fight the "un-cool mom" label when making safety decisions, we also have to fight inertia - some things actually require effort (like teaching your kid to swim, or - better - hauling him to Red Cross approved swim lessons).

How many folks make their kids learn to swim? Have emergency plans for the home and practice them? Teach their kids what to do when their friend gets daddy's gun out to play with? Have them learn age-appropriate first aid? From an informal survey among my students and my kids' friends, I'd have to say, not many.

(I keep these things in mind when someone starts in on me about letting my kids drink Coke or stay up late. . .)

Redbirdie, I found this article which says "trampoline sales increased fivefold from 1990 to 1995, with 98 percent being for home use". This is 14 year old data, but it's the best I could find.

http://www.nytimes.com/1998/03/03/science/home-trampoline-injuries-double.html

@pwaa - Evidently, you're unfamiliar with the concept of an iceberg.

BB

Drmary - Affirmative here on all your questions except for age appropriate first aid, although both have gone over first aid in scouts.

I'll second the concern on drowning, I have a healthy fear of water when it comes to my kids. Over the years my husband and brother have pulled many young children out of the Ocean while parents are not paying attention. A couple were 4-6 years olds "playing in the surf" and get wiped out by waves, rolled and are actively getting sucked back out. Most parents don't even realize their kid has just been saved and few say thank you.

While under more tame circumstances than a rowdy birthday party I would probably allow my son to try a few bounces on a trampoline, I completely agree with you Emily! Parenting is tough and sometimes other parents can unknowingly make it more difficult.
The attitude many of you are taking is that of the two parents standing trampoline-side at the party. As if you know how to better parent someone else's child? Parenting is so personal. Ultimately YOU are responsible for YOUR child so YOU have to do what makes YOU feel comfortable. Each parent is different and comes to the table with their own unique set of life experiences, both positive and negative. Furthermore, each child is different, can't stress that one enough. As parents we know what our children can handle and have to make choices for them accordingly, which is what it sounds like Emily was doing. These are important facts that some of you are forgetting to recognize. Meanwhile, while you are trying to quilt someone into making the same parenting choice as you to reassure yourself that you've made the right one who is watching your child on the trampoline....?

I am curious if anyone has had issues with family members or with friends' parents when it comes to your kids being around smoke - secondhand or thirdhand, and if so, how it played out.

Did you take a stand, and was your decision respected, especially if it involved you not visiting someone's home? Have more seasoned parents softened their positions on the issue as their kids got older? Just curious, as I am involved in a family dispute right now over this, where my decision to keep my baby away from thirdhand smoke is being ridiculed.