OK, I have to say I am shocked that parents, on mass, are even attending parent teacher conferences. Unless things have changed drastically, I don't think too many parents even bothered to go.

It also seems like a lot of meetings for the teacher. Don't HS teachers have almost 90 students each year? And doesn't that mean that parents and kids would have to attend and prepare for almost 6-7 meetings a year?

To be honest, I have been to all the back to school nights since my daughter started school. And doing some visual math, it seems like less than a third of parents even attend. And that is in elementary school. I would think interest wanes as you get older.

"Apparently this fall in Albuquerque, N.M., they're doing things a little differently."

It's been going on for elsewhere for years.

I have absolutely no idea what happened at my step-son's 'Meet the Teacher'. Since his mother was going that precluded me. For some reason that I can't fathom, my husband does not allow me to attend any event that his ex is present at.

This kind of pissed me off in a general kind of way esp. when I just got yelled at for not following the rules that apparently were laid out in the parent-teacher conference. Its a little hard to follow the rules when you can't go to be told in person and your husband doesn't bother to discuss what was said.

When I was in HS, there WERE no parent-teacher conferences, unless there was a specific problem to be addressed (maybe that's what's going on in NM also, I can't tell from this blog). In any case, by the time a kid is in HS he really ought to be part of the process and attending these meetings.

For some reason that I can't fathom, my husband does not allow me to attend any event that his ex is present at.

Posted by: Billie_R | October 15, 2009 7:59 AM | Report abuse

"does not allow"!?!
Since you will soon the loser's a$s, will this continue to be an issue?

Correction: Since you will soon divorce the loser's a$s, will this continue to be an issue?

Scheduled parent-teacher conferences (which are quite different from back-to-school night or open house) stop here once a child is out of elementary school. I don't think my elementary schooler should have much participation in these meetings. My middle schooler's progress and grades are available to on-line weekly. There is a site for her and one for us. If there is a problem she or I are welcome to request a team-meeting with her teachers at any time.

We had the option for regularly-scheduled parent-teacher conferences in elementary and middle school. Those kids are too young to attend, IMNSHO. There are no regular parent-teacher conferences in high school; you only have those if there are specific issues that have to be addressed. And I don't have any problem with the kids attending those, because that's who'll have to solve the problem.

@foamgnome: probably half the parents went to elementary school conferences; more in younger years. In middle school only a few parents go. We go mostly when there's an issue we want to discuss.

@brian: um, bad analogy there. Your spouse when you're an adult is NOT the same as your parent when you're young, so there's no parallel between having your parents meet your teachers and having your spouse discuss your performance with your boss.

Re: this "@brian: um, bad analogy there." Should have said "@jen" - didn't realize Jen Chaney wrote this vice Brian until after I had posted. My bad - sorry about that.

wow, conferences in High School. In my experience you only met with the HS teacher if you had specific concerns and/or problems. I guess if there is a problem and everyone knows about it, it would be good to include the HS age child. As for younger grades, we often have frank discussions with our children's teachers regarding areas of weakness and we like to hear from the teacher where our child might be falling short and how we can help our child - not always things we want our child to hear.

"OK, I have to say I am shocked that parents, on mass, are even attending parent teacher conferences. Unless things have changed drastically, I don't think too many parents even bothered to go."

Our conferences are packed. You have to sign up within the first hour if you want to get decent times.

I've never heard of having parent-teacher conferences past middle school/junior high either. When I was in high school, we had conferences with the guidance counselors that included parents and students. That seems be a better place to have a discussion about a student's long-term goals than talking to individual teachers.

Re: this "@brian: um, bad analogy there." Should have said "@jen" - didn't realize Jen Chaney wrote this vice Brian until after I had posted. My bad - sorry about that.

Posted by: ArmyBrat1 | October 15, 2009 8:55 AM | Report abuse

With oodles and oodles of experience raising a toddler(wow!), Jen is a real expert on parenting stuff.

Does not allow as in he doesn't want me to go therefore the only way I will attend is if we fight. It wasn't really worth the fight in my opinion.

The only fight we had over it was when he yelled at me for not following instructions that I never received. The good news was that the fight had an unintended side effect - no more homework being done at 7:45 when the kids arrived at our house! It is now all being done at his ex's. Hallelujah because I was quite done with hearing the two of them fighting over it.

It might not be an issue in the future but since the relationship is still ongoing - I still have to deal with the interesting crap he throws my way.

Billie, knowing that somebody is taking advantage of you saddens me and I doubt I'm the only. I wish you the best as I hate to see that rare gem of such a tender heart of yours become hardened from such mistreatment. Life just shouldn't work like that.

It might not be an issue in the future but since the relationship is still ongoing - I still have to deal with the interesting crap he throws my way.

Posted by: Billie_R

You are an adult. Take responsibility for your life!

We don't have HS conferences here unless you request them, and I ASSume it would be because your kid is having problems severe enough to render a meeting between parent and teacher alone. Again I ASSume mose parents would have dealt with the problem at home, and teachers at school and a meeting is in order.

Sorry, if my kid is in trouble or has a problem that requires a meeting with a teacher - the kid will not be setting the agenda. Most of the problems I can think of that have led to parent/teacher conferences in HS are because the kid is already setting the agenda and it's not working.

Wait until you've been to one of these kid-led conferences. We attended 2 a couple of years ago in 2nd and 3rd grade classes. Both were a waste of time. Neither the teacher/s nor the parent can speak candidly, so it becomes a game of show and tell where everyone nods and plays nice. I would not bother if that was what was offered as a parent/teacher conference.

Our oldest is enrolled in a private high school. Teachers are available for conferences on conference days. We've taken advantage of the opportunity from time to time to discuss mutual expectations, curriculum questions, recommendations on what we can do to support the teachers, make sure that what we are seeing squares with what her teachers are seeing in her performance and attitude. We have found the info received to be highly useful for the benefit of our daughter.

Sunflower,

I am taking responsibility for my life. I know exactly where I am going and what my plans are. I also have responsibility for two little ones that consider me their second 'Mom'. In planning my future, I think I am obligated to also consider them even if they aren't my own flesh and blood children.

But in the meantime... still need to deal with the situation as it evolves. Whacky, my tender heart should make it out intact. I agree that he is likely taking advantage of me but it suits my plans to simply ignore it for the time being. Now that I am turning more into an observer than a participant a lot of his actions truly baffle me (and annoy/anger rather than hurt me). I am completely in awe of what he thinks is acceptable behaviour.

My daughter has been included in conferences since 5th grade. She is responsible for the grades she earns. Therefore, she should attend the conferences.

The first and third quarter conferences are mandatory at her (private) school, but I always schedule one for second quarter.

Middle school conferences include all of the teachers. I don't know how they do it - it seems to work out.

I think it's actually a great idea to expand parent teacher conferences beyond elementary school. I think it's vital for parents to be involved and in regular communication with teachers, especially in Middle School/Junior High. I can see where it would wane in high school, as teens are becoming more independent and preparing themselves for college and the rest of the "joyous" adult world.

I remember being in Junior High (no middle school for me!), and how easy it was to hide the tests that I failed on and mid-quarter grades. Maybe my parents weren't as involved as most of you, but I think that if the parent-teacher conferences had continued, my parents would have been more knowledgeable about what was going on in school and I would have therefore felt the need to be a better student. I became an expert at raising my grade between mid-quarter and when my actual report card would come out. What kind of learning is that? I'm still a horrible procrastinator today.

If the conferences do indeed extend to high school, then it is even more important for the students to be involved and even lead the discussion. There's nothing like a parent that feels that they need to make every decision for their child. I used to work at a University, and it made me sick to see parents calling the school and taking care of things that the student should have been doing themselves.

anne23 - do you mean that you have one conference where you meet with all of your daughter's teachers at the same time?

The closest thing we came to a HS parent/teacher conference was an open house format where each teacher set up an area, a few chairs/table in the fieldhouse, and the parents could mingle informally amung their students' teachers. If the kids wanted to go along, that was fine too, parent's choice. I thought it was nice to be able to talk/socialize and ask if the advanced/AP courses and stuff like that was suited to my highschooler's educational goals. Also, when talking with the teachers, the open air environment let us listen in on other parents conversations in a group setting so the teacher didn't have to repeat the same dialog for every single parent who attended the event.

As far as personal student/teacher/parent communication goes, this is primarily accomplished through email. Ggrades, quarter and interim, are sent via email to the parents through some sort of automated process. I got over 20 emails last week from the 3 different schools my kids attend. Also, if parents want to be informed of school events, there is a web site specifically designed to address just about everything a parent would like to know down to the individual classroom - Blackboard.com. Any more transparency than there already is about what the students are doing would involve placing a web cam in the classroom. This measure I would strongly oppose.

We attended a teacher conference for our middle schooler at the teacher's request due to behavior problems in class. When we got home, our son denied every single thing she said - very convincingly. So, we requested another meeting with all involved present and found, not surprisingly, that neither "side" was telling the whole truth. Maybe it is better to have an older child present so that free flow communication can accomplish common goals. Once communication was wide-open, problems were solved, learning was accomplished, and, thankfully for everyone, the course was completed (with a high B!). Whew. Now on to High School.....

I have absolutely no idea what happened at my step-son's 'Meet the Teacher'. Since his mother was going that precluded me

Not your kid that's why. pretty simple......

Pwaa,

I am all for that if "not my kid" could be invoked when the father asks me to talk to him about his behavioural problems in school. Or if "not my kid" could be invoked when it came time for homework. It would be especially nice if "not my kid" could be invoked the 3 days a week I double my commute to take him to his school which isn't even in the same county in which I live and work.

But "not my kid" is a huge disservice to the child itself. All of us should be working together... or if they want to say "not your kid" for graduation ceremonies, games, etc, etc then they need to say "not your kid" when it comes to the work too. You don't get it both ways - at least not in the long term.

You're funny Billie_R.

Pipe1,

I am a riot!

As a sidenote, I did invoke "not my kid" without actually saying that and the father got pissed that I wouldn't drive him to school. So I am supposed to accept "not my kid" when it is said to me... but boy, oh, boy... don't try to use it yourself. Then you aren't a team player.

And yes, I am still driving him to school. It was easier to just cave than fight it and right now, I am big into what makes my life easier.

Billie, why are you still married to this jerk?

Because my plans dictate that I sit in place for a bit longer. Patience will reap me rewards that impatience will not.

Dennis5 - yes, I have one conference with all of my daughter's core middle school teachers - social studies, math, language arts, science. Since this is a Catholic school, her religion teacher is also there in addition to the middle school curriculum person. If she were also having issues in Spanish, Art, and PE, I would impagine those teachers would also be there. My daughter and I are lucky people. This is one of the reasons I chose this school for my daughter.

So for my step-son's conference (6th grade) he, his dad and I attended. His mom is not as involved in his day to day school stuff so she didn't attend. When he's with her, he's responsible for making sure he gets his homework done, so I couldn't imagine taking her to task for that... He is older however, I could see how that'd be tough at a younger age.

It was good having him there, but then again he is such a great kid and does well in school that it was easy. If there was something that needed to be said it would be said with him there. We talked candidly about how the school work was too easy for him and he needed some additional challenges.

We have his teacher's email address and email her if needed to ask questions - but it is not hidden at all, she'll talk to him about it and we'll talk to him about it.

I think it would be good to have them there at younger ages, just not 'directing' the conversation - who knows where it would go. I am not sure what kinds of things would need to be discussed that the child couldn't hear...

I think it would be good to keep it up in middle school but highschool might be tough, making sure there are alternative avenues to get feedback would be helpful though...

You're a riot Billie_R........

None of us is walking in Billie's shoes. None of us has all the details of her situation.

But some of us are apparently so arogant that we think we know better than she does, and so feel free to dispense uninvited advise (and likely quite unwelcome, too.)

Now, can everyone get off their high horses? Here - have a slice of humble pie. It will taste soooo much better than that foot in your mouth - I promise.

And can we all get back to the topic at hand?

I believe it was something about, um, parent-teacher conferences, and ... oh, wait, I remember ... having the student involved in the conference, too.

I wonder what happened to the boy in the baloon. So sad.

"I wonder what happened to the boy in the balloon. So sad."

He's fine - apparently, he accidentally set the balloon free, got scared and ran and hid. His brother THOUGHT he was in the balloon - he wasn't.

Now there's a topic we've discussed many times - over protective parents vs permissive parents. This family is very much the permissive type - to the point that they've appeared on "Wife Swap" twice because they're the classic "permissive" family with kids running wild.

None of us is walking in Billie's shoes. None of us has all the details of her situation.

But some of us are apparently so arogant that we think we know better than she does, and so feel free to dispense uninvited advise (and likely quite unwelcome, too.)

Now, can everyone get off their high horses? Here - have a slice of humble pie. It will taste soooo much better than that foot in your mouth - I promise.

Posted by: SueMc | October 15, 2009 4:44 PM | Report abuse

If Billie doesn't want people asking her or commenting about her marital situation, then she shouldn't post about it. She opened the door to questions and if she doesn't want to answer them, that's her perogative. But I don't see how anyone can complain about people asking them when she is choosing to post about her marriage.

And given that she frequently posts about how poorly her husband treats her, I think it's very fair to ask why she is staying married to him.

I have very vivid memories of parent-teacher "conferences" at my grade school and being absolutely terrified of them. My mother ALWAYS came home and would just start berating me for "not listening" or "not paying attention" in class, when the truth was that I DID listen, I just learned at a slower rate than the others.