I feel bad for your friend that his bond with his parents aren't strong. I try to keep the family close and informed.

~Kat~
@katluvsshoes
theshoppingvine.com

My father, who is, at best, difficult, does call a bunch, and has come down to visit his grandkids. And my husband is a saint. He doesn't say a word to me about the visit, where my dad thinks he should be waited on hand and foot (ya know, he came for the bris for my youngest, where my husband is running around like crazy trying to get the house ready, trying to let me rest, and well, dad's there saying: can you get me a cup of coffee? - no joke).

My in laws, well, they're right down the street. They'll help out IF WE ASK, begrudgingly, it seems, but they dote on DH's sisters' (yes, plural sisters) kids (yes, 3 other grandkids). One of his sisters lives in another state, at least a 20 hour drive away, and well, they see THAT grandkid more than our kids. Oh, well, what can ya do. They just don't seem interested. It kills my husband, but, well, if he doesn't say anything about it, what can you do? Just live with it, I guess. We are EXTREMELY lucky that DH has other cousins, who are his parent's age, and well, they never had kids. So we see them ALL THE TIME. They babysit all the time, they invite us over to dinner, they invite themselves over, and well, they are always there. It's great. They have a relationship with our kids. And well, they're both retired now. And we have been talking about moving out of here. And if we do, I presume we'll see them a lot - obviously, they can't babysit at a moment's notice if we move, but I presume they'd visit.

We have varying degrees of closeness with our parents. We both have divorced parents, and three of the four have remarried. I really can't fathom encouraging your children to have a close relationship with someone you don't have a good relationship with. My FIL was a terrible parent and is a terrible grandparent, but we do try to sheild our kids from the worst of it to protect them, not him. For example, we never discuss plans to see them in advance, since they often cancel, and we never mention when they RSVP to birthday parties, etc., since they often don't show. My MIL is great when we specifically ask for her help, but doesn't show any interest on her own. My mom is active and involved. The only relationship that improved was my dad, who is now much more willing to visit us-it's been wonderful. He is open and playful with my kids in a way I don't remember him being wit me. At 4, our older son has been able to figure out who is committed and who isn't.

Too many nooks and crannies to hold the melted butter on this topic.

We have great parents that love our kids, and I would hope that despite problems with parents, people don't find themselves saying shoulda, woulda, coulda when it is too late.

Oh dear. This is likely to turn into a novel (and get blocked by the blog filters) if I tell everything.

So, DH's parents are both dead. His father when he was a youngster, and his mother about eight years ago.

My parents - I really thought my dad was going to be a grandparent like his mother was to my generation - i.e. terrific. But Dad's often too busy dealing with my mother's mental illness, and he just doesn't have the time and energy for his grandkids.

He doesn't like coming down from the Sierra foothills into the Bay Area. He claims the traffic is too much for him, here. But when we go up there to visit, those narrow congested mountain roads full of gold rush country and Yosemite tourists are at least as bad, and often worse, than ours in Oakland. If we lived in San Francisco, I would agree with him. I refuse to drive "in the city", and take public transit, or get someone else to drive.

Visiting them wouldn't be a bad option, except that there's a lot of unpleasant history, and it's *really* uncomfortable for DH and me to be there.

What works best is spending holidays at my sister's house. She has loads of space in her house and a separate apartment that she keeps empty for guests. And she's the greatest hostess in the world - everyone feels welcome! And it's neutral territory (not our house, not their house) so DH and I aren't as likely to get into conflicts with my parents. If we do, it's easy to take a break - go take a walk around the 9.5 acres of woods, then come back and change the subject to something safer and more neutral.

The kids are old enough that they pretty much get to decide how much of a relationship they want with their grandparents. And the grandparents get to choose too. They decided 7-8 years ago that they didn't want the boys to come visit them without us parents. It was too much work for them. That's fine, but then they make us parents feel a lot less than welcome, which was why we used to let the boys go visit without us. So, now the boys and the grandparents see each other at Thanksgiving and Christmas at my sister's, and maybe one other time during the year.

It's not what I'd hoped for, but it's not all up to me to make the grandparent and grandchildren relationship what I'd wanted it to be. I'm not in control of my parents' lives.

Our kids definately did not hit the grandparent lottery. Both our parents are divorced and except for my mom, have shown little to no interest in their grandchildren. Encouraging them to bond would be like trying to glue a broken family portrait together with toothpaste.

As for my mom, by trade a special education teacher, can't break out of her career role to foster more than a surface relationship with them. Last time she came over this summer, (about a 10 minute drive), she resorted to scolding, shaming, and badgering my son to cooperate with her tutoring agenda. In her words, "he's exhibiting a moderately high degree of oppositional behavior" and asked me to step in and correct him.

Sure, I could have done what she asked, but instead, I told her that she was fired, and if she wants to spend any more time with him, she needs to be a Grandma and not a resource teacher.

That was a few months ago. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not in a stint with my mother about my son as I talk with her about once a week and she has attended one of his football games since, but I have let her know that she needs to be more of a friend to my son than anything else. That is, if she wants him to desire time with her. Because, you know, I can't force my kids to love her. Heck, a genie can't even do that.

Fortunately, I had great models as parents (who are now great grandparents) who lived half way across the country from their kids but made the effort to see their grandchildren three times a year.

Now I find we are in the same situation, physically far from the grandchildren, but wanting a close relationship. We have found video chatting to be almost as good as a visit. We get out toys, play pretend, read books, and view school art projects.

If there is some strain between grandparent and child, try encouraging the grandparent-grandchild relationship. It may heal other areas.

I'm a speech pathologist and blogged about ideas on how to keep the conversation going with little ones via video chatting:

http://playonwords.com/blog/2009/06/28/video-chat-with-children-and-grandchildren-to-keep-in-touch/

Sherry Artemenko

My mom and I have been estranged on and off for years and frankly, the only reason we have a relationship at all right now is that my daughter loves her. We see my mom once a year or so, which is more than enough for me. When we do see her, she is nice to the kids (well, kid -- she hasn't met the 9-month-old yet) but doesn't offer to help or inconvenience herself in any way. I would never, ever trust her alone with my kids, even for an hour.

Luckily, I have fantastic in-laws. They are wonderful with the children and very kind. They see the kids at least every other week, and usually more often than that. I trust them completely and really enjoy seeing how much they and the kids enjoy each other. We moved to our current home in large part to be near them, and have never once regretted it. It makes me happy that my girls have at least one set of grandparents with whom they can have a real, close relationship.

Wow, there are a lot of reluctant grandparents out there!
All I can say is that it can be worth the extra effort of doing what it takes to foster a closer relationship between your children and their grandparents, even if you yourself don't get along with them. You may need to be the one to do the "work" necessary to get in the time needed for a bond to develop, but so what? Bear in mind that everything you do is modeling for your child how to treat one's parents/the elderly/difficult people in general, so take advantage of this chance to maybe make your own future a bit more pleasant

Anyone who came into my house and picked a fight with one of my kids, then labeled the kid with a psychological problem because they were ticked off, then got mad at me because I didn't follow their textbook therapy strategy, would be shown the door immediately, grandma or not.

If you have a good reason for keeping the relatives at arm's length from you then why would you want them around your kids?

di89 -
I guess it would depend on exactly WHY I am keeping said relative at arm's length. It is perfectly possible to have a bad relationship with someone who is not a dangerous or harmful person. I am not advocating giving a complete pass to someone just because they are a relative, or leaving your child alone with anyone you do not trust, but you might be pleasantly surprised by the relationships that develop if you give them the chance. Some people do learn from their mistakes and go on to be good grandparents.

Although it's clear that our daughter is not the favorite grandchild, both sets of grandparents try to see her. Our relationship is somewhat rocky with both, but they're great about babysitting. We try to strengthen the relationship by coming to see them "just because" instead of just dropping her off so we can catch a movie. The occassional email, pictures, etc. also helps. Having a baby has strengthed our relationship because we have other things to talk about with our parents besides things we disagree on.

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