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Posted at 1:00 PM ET, 11/23/2010

How to fight liberals

By David Kahane
Guest Blogger

About this blog: David Kahane is a made-up persona – a Hollywood liberal who knows the secrets that lie deep in the hearts of the left wing and is more than happy to divulge them to aid conservatives in their battle for dominance. He provides his offbeat commentary for National Review online. Now he’s put his thoughts into a humorous guide, “Rules for Radical Conservatives: Beating the Left at Its Own Game to Take Back America,” recently released by Ballantine Books. Here, he reveals how conservatives – now that they have Obama and the Democrats on the ropes – can go for the knockout blow.

****************************

OK, you wingnuts, listen up.

Yes, I’m talking to you, the enemies of His Excellency Barack Hussein Obama II, Lord of the Flies and Protector of the Holy Cities of Honolulu and Chicago, now in full-throated revolutionary cry.

Just because you went ahead and elected the nation’s first Hispanic woman governor, the nation’s second Indian-American governor (and a woman at that), and not one but two black congressmen doesn’t fool us a bit. We know that, deep down in your incorrigibly racist, reactionary souls, you did that just to put us off our game. We’ll be ready for you next time.

Oh, wait – that’s what we said this time and look what happened. No matter. In the age-old struggle between good and evil, we have a secret weapon: you.

You don’t know how to fight, and even when you win, you don’t know how to finish the job.

That’s why I’ve gone and written one whole book called “Rules for Radical Conservatives” to teach you how to recognize us, understand us, and destroy us. Not because I want you to win, mind you, but because even Lucifer, to whom the Great Alinsky dedicated “Rules for Radicals,” likes an honest fight every now and then.

After a while, even a bunch of congenital whiners like us gets tired of doing our Bernie Bernbaum imitation from the Coen brothers’ greatest movie, “Miller’s Crossing,” bawling like babies when you get the drop on us and secure in the knowledge that unlike Tom Reagan, you won’t actually put us away in the end.

This isn’t the place to go into all the rules but please keep in mind at least these two basic precepts:

1) Principles, not programs. Stick to your guns: lower taxes, less regulation, less government. Imitate your hero, Reagan (Ronnie, not Tommy) and leave the social issues alone; after all, if you win, they’ll take care of themselves. Do not get into the weeds with us: as the products of prep schools, think tanks, the Ivy League and Morning Joe, we know everything there is to know about programs except why we should have them in the first place.

2) Treat us with the same respect with which we treat you, which is none. Our “fairness” mask slipped away some time during Bush’s second term, to reveal the absolute contempt in which we hold you. We are angry, unhappy people, at once at war with God, truth, justice, the American Way, and pretty much the entire Constitution, so why should we give you suckers an even break? We think lawyers are the solution to all life’s problems, since there’s always gotta be an angle somewhere, whereas you think God, four aces and a loaded .45 will pretty much see you through any eventuality, including us.

But, of course, you won’t. Your basic desire to beat your swords into plowshares and go back home to Cincinnati always takes over. Your appetite for the Fight – and, as Hillary Rodham entitled her Wellesley Alinskian thesis, “There is only the fight” – will wane.

Your innate craving to be loved instead of feared will kick back in and before you know it, John Boehner will be slapping Barney Frank on the back and heading off on a fact-finding junket together to Chris Dodd’s Countrywide-financed “cottage” in County Galway. By the time BO2 heads into the primaries against Evan Bayh and Dennis Kucinich, the entire RINO caucus will be cheering him on – anybody but Sarah!!

It’s written in the stars: Betelgeuse, to be specific. Because you’re never dead until you’re buried, and even then…

By David Kahane  | November 23, 2010; 1:00 PM ET
Categories:  Guest Blogger  | Tags:  conservative tactics; defeating liberals  
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Next: Momma, what's in that turkey?

Comments

My name is Tee Dudley, Iuse to teach shcoool in Prince George's County, Md and hate being BLACK and femnale and lonely and ugly and having 2 children by a black guy. But I am liberal and White folk can do no wrong in my book so I will always vote for your kind of Caucasion.
Blacks kids I use d to teach failed a lot, casue I did not try to hard just like the parents did not ry to hard. Once I had a 16 yr-old in my class in 6th grade and his mother was dumber and I jsut laughed at him everyday cause I hate being Black.
If I see a white I smile and black I just frown and that is why I threw all my mirrors away.

Posted by: Tee1UglyDudley1 | November 23, 2010 2:12 PM | Report abuse

mmmmmm....yeah...

Posted by: JohnDinHouston | November 23, 2010 2:47 PM | Report abuse

Never heard of David Kahane. But it turns out he's an idiot.
Also, WaPo, why is this on your website?

Posted by: Hypocritic | November 23, 2010 3:19 PM | Report abuse

I do know who Stephen Levinston is. That explains it.

Posted by: Hypocritic | November 23, 2010 3:26 PM | Report abuse

I see the humour in this piece and I'm Canadian North American, not American American.

Posted by: ray032RayJosephCormier | November 23, 2010 4:17 PM | Report abuse

I approve of this article, and I am a registered Godless, immoral, commie.

Posted by: samsara15 | November 23, 2010 4:50 PM | Report abuse

Thin. Very thin.

Posted by: Iconoblaster | November 23, 2010 4:58 PM | Report abuse

Now the Post is importing right-wing nonsense from NRO? Don't they have enough with Krauthammer, Will, Gerson, Parker, etc?

Posted by: jjhare | November 23, 2010 5:33 PM | Report abuse

You're admirably diplomatic to call this piece "thin," Iconoblaster. "Puerile rant" is the term that leaps to my mind. I see no evidence here that "David Kahane" actually knows anything about liberals, but I do give him points for so brilliantly projecting his own faults onto them. Here's hoping conservatives swallow his advice hook, line and sinker--if so, they're going to be mighty disappointed come 2012!

Posted by: DCSteve1 | November 23, 2010 5:38 PM | Report abuse

Good lord, they'll print anything these days!

Posted by: bluejay31 | November 23, 2010 5:57 PM | Report abuse

This is an incredibly stupid piece.

Posted by: anderson5 | November 23, 2010 6:08 PM | Report abuse

C'mon, what we really want to know if is Bristol won DWTS!

Posted by: rogied25 | November 23, 2010 6:08 PM | Report abuse

Fighting liberals is easy. Just take away their Starbucks cards and cross into another state to buy beer and smokes. Better yet, volunteer to help the homeless. That's one cause liberals have abandoned in favor of illegal immigrants.

Posted by: manicdrummer | November 23, 2010 6:08 PM | Report abuse

I've got news for the extremist Republican party:


Now that you have some actual power again (the House) you won't be able to get away with spending all of your time throwing verbal bombs at the Dems, going golfing and then hitting the DC cocktail circuit at night every day. You either CREATE JOBS or you will be gone in 2012 so fast that your heads will spin.


Chop chop Repugs, you've got two years. Time's a wastin'!

.

Posted by: DrainYou | November 23, 2010 6:13 PM | Report abuse

To add to the chorus, this is dreck a not-particularly clever high school student could fire off in no time. Why the Post associates itself with such mediocrity is bewildering.

Posted by: nc1123 | November 23, 2010 6:36 PM | Report abuse

I used to think that Dana Milbank's and Chris Cillizza's Master Bites (sic) Theater was the dumbest thing I had ever read - not merely on the pages of The Washington Post, but throughout the entire American media landscape.

Until I came across this drivel.

To Publisher Weymouth, were your late-grandmother, a truly class act and a professional in all regards, alive today, she would read this (ahem) item and promptly slap you across the face. Then your late-grandmother would wonder why she had not shot your petulant mother decades ago.

Posted by: MarkinJC | November 23, 2010 6:40 PM | Report abuse

Are you serious Tee1UglyDudley -- or is this your horrendous attempt at humor? Forgetting everything else that you have written here, the only thing that bothers me are the NUMEROUS grammatical errors that you have made. And that is because this CLEARLY shows that this comment was written by a white person PRETENDING to be black. as a black person myself, i think i will write something as if i am a white person. let's see, night raiders, kkk, lynchings, scottsboro boys, emmett till, viola liuzzo, turner diaries, timothy mcveigh, sarah palin. oh my goodness, do any of these things top having two children? -- [because i could go on and on.]

Posted by: zhanaya | November 23, 2010 6:51 PM | Report abuse

Only thing I've seen work effectively against liberals is to lie the big lie, so big a lie the liberal will laugh it off and ignore it, leaving the 25% dead ender right wing base believing the lie. So dead end they are the dead enders that in the future, when the lie is exposed, they will not make the connection between the lie and who told the lie. They will be too preoccupied with the new lies they are told.

Right wingers have the attention span of a horse.

Posted by: Fate1 | November 23, 2010 7:47 PM | Report abuse

I think it's hilarious how people are taking this seriously. Did people miss the first sentence...that this author is a "made-up persona"? That pretty much says it all.

Posted by: blert | November 23, 2010 7:47 PM | Report abuse

I don't know what you could have been thinking, Steve. This piece is incoherent.

Posted by: curmudgeon6 | November 23, 2010 7:48 PM | Report abuse

I believe David Kahane was that character in the film called, "The Player." I have seen the man who wrote this piece in a video online. I do find the piece amusing and accurate, but the comments...is this the caliber of person who reads the Washington Post? This is going to be easier than I thought.

Posted by: katatinka | November 23, 2010 8:06 PM | Report abuse

This is about what I would expect from the National Review.

After reading this silliness, I checked out the National review and read a couple of articles.

Very shallow comments. One, about comparing Israel's profiling at airports leaves out a single reference to the fact that Israel has ONE international airport which moves about 10 million passengers a year. The profile for Jewish and non-jewish passengers. Jewish people are not screened. The single Israel airport is protected and all cars are stopped, profiled and searched.

Compare this to 470 airports in the US moving at least 800 million passengers a year. Americans are a melting pot of national origins, none worthy of exemption. Americans will not put up with the cost of staff to multiply screen cars, luggage and extensive questions of travelers. This would be cost prohibited.

National Review = intellectual lightweights.

Posted by: SCVoter | November 23, 2010 8:19 PM | Report abuse

What a rotten post. It is very sad to see how far the Washington Post has fallen since the 1960s and 1970s. I think I'm done visiting the Wapo website and reading your paper. You are not serious people.

Posted by: weallenfsa | November 23, 2010 8:42 PM | Report abuse

What a load of el toro poopoo - good grief - can't believe I wasted a few seconds reading this tripe - sheesh! Who wrote this - the amazing Sarah stoopid?

Posted by: debsmyth | November 23, 2010 9:00 PM | Report abuse

No wonder Hollywood and the entertainment industry is dominated by liberals. Conservatives just absolutely suck at trying to be creative or funny. They just do not have it in them.

Oh sure, the geriatrics who watch Fox news and who think Dennis Miller is funny will probably laugh at this, but for the other 98% of the country, this is just so laughably bad it hurts.

Really, wingnuts, just stop trying to be funny. You cannot do it.

Posted by: BirchMan | November 23, 2010 9:27 PM | Report abuse

A satirical "Hollywood liberal" persona named David Kahane? Does Michael Walsh have a non-obvious explanation for the coincidence of the Jewish name and the code word?

Posted by: allenmcbride | November 23, 2010 9:46 PM | Report abuse

Advice from a loyal liberal:
Lighten up, folks. The article is meant be satire.

Lie back and laugh a little.

Posted by: castleb | November 23, 2010 11:07 PM | Report abuse

Advice from a loyal liberal:
Lighten up, folks. The article is meant be satire.

Lie back and laugh a little.

________________________________

Key words here being "meant to be."
I wouldn't lie back when reading, you might not make it through the article.

Posted by: ablum1 | November 23, 2010 11:32 PM | Report abuse

LOL

This chit is so boring I couldn't pass the second paragraph.

Posted by: coqui44 | November 23, 2010 11:43 PM | Report abuse

I thought this was supposed to be funny. Nope. Clever? Nope. Well written? Not particularly. Fair? Not even a sincere attempt.

There's always a fishy smell when righties try to write satire. Their insight into the human condition is impaired by a certain callous disregard for other people. It creates blind spots where normal people see the obvious, like the reasons we have social programs.

It is moral and social blind spots that make right wing humor fall flat. They just can't seem to make a joke without an innocent victim. I'm not even sure Steven Levingston is aware that he's a cynical, morally dysfunctional jerk. Can you blame people for human sympathy they simply don't possess? Perhaps it is unfair, like criticizing a color-blind man for not seeing red.

Posted by: jimbo92107 | November 24, 2010 1:33 AM | Report abuse

Criticizing the author of this piece would be like setting up tripwires at the Special Olympics. Just more evidence that the Washington Post is as pathetic a failure as the Washington Times. Love the Jew baiting in the article and the comments as well, plus the anti-Black racism of some of the commenters is exactly the reason conservatives can't do parody, satire, or irony. This article is just the internal dialogue of a mentally and emotionally stunted person, a failed personality.
If conservatives were just overt and honest about what really binds them together-racial and ethnic hatreds, religious bigotry and fanaticism, envy of the powerful, violent and evil, and an intense dislike of the constitution of this country in word and practice-then we could have an honest discussion. Or at least make a fair and workable diagnosis.

Posted by: sparkplug1 | November 24, 2010 2:57 AM | Report abuse

"David Kahane". Real funny. You mean THIS David Kahane?

http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/biography/kahane.html

He believed in violence too, and look where it got him.

Posted by: tarquam | November 24, 2010 9:35 AM | Report abuse

Jesus Washington Post...do you have to hire every idiot that side of the Mississippi? What is wrong with you?

It used to be such a nice paper. Now it's just another Fox news wanna be.

Posted by: kindness1 | November 24, 2010 12:00 PM | Report abuse

where are the jobs! whats taking so long its been 3 weeks

Posted by: afstod | November 25, 2010 11:05 AM | Report abuse

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