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December 23, 2009

For now, though, I'm going to try to make the best of things. This year has given me a great appreciation for what matters, and I know I will never again (inject steroids/hike the "Appalachian Trail"/try to sell a Senate...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 23, 2009; 07:41 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 22, 2009

It's being called the 'New Kansas-Nebrask Act.' We'll all be enslaved to the insurance companies, and there'll be a helluva' lotta' bleeding." -- From the "news" story To Get Ben Nelson's Health Care Vote, Nebraska To Receive Kansas. The Satirical...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 22, 2009; 07:27 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 21, 2009

Malia, meanwhile, was just voted valedictorian of her high school graduating class! ... There was some controversy about the achievement, since Malia is in the sixth grade. But the students and faculty at her school felt it wasn't an award...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 21, 2009; 07:57 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 18, 2009

The commander in chief said he'd been looking forward to a Saturday afternoon of danger, speed and 'major air.'" -- From the "news" broadcast, "President Obama Frustrated by Repairs to Dirt Bike One" Onion Radio News...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 18, 2009; 08:33 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 16, 2009

Sometimes the only public option for a healthy cure is to give someone a taste of their own medicine." -- Sen. Jay Rockefeller (D-W.Va.) in the "news" item Progressive Caucus Urges 'Drone' Attack on Lieberman. The Satirical Political Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 16, 2009; 07:51 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 15, 2009

A year ago we all loved Barack Obama. But remember, back then we all loved Crocs too." -- Stephen Colbert on Obama's popularity. The Colbert Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 15, 2009; 07:53 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 14, 2009

The coverage has been excessive, it has been lurid and it has completely overshadowed coverage of our extramarital affairs." -- "Mark Sanford, John Ensign and John Edwards" lament all the coverage of Tiger Woods' affairs and not of their own....

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 14, 2009; 07:16 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 11, 2009

He was one of the plotters in the assassination of Abraham Lincoln." -- Dick Cheney, supposedly talking about President Obama. The Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien...

By Ben Pershing | December 11, 2009; 08:30 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 10, 2009

Deny it all. No one believes the tabloids, right?" -- "John Edwards" gives advice on Tiger Woods' Facebook page. Slate...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 10, 2009; 07:53 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 9, 2009

About a month ago, I was staring at this mountain of papers in front of me, and I said to myself, 'Okay, Eric. Enough is enough. You have got to clean off this desk,'" Holder said. "And right there underneath...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 9, 2009; 07:54 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 8, 2009

Uncle Joe's got the nog under control," said Biden, briefly flashing a metal flask protruding from the inside pocket of his suit jacket. "Old family recipe." -- From the "news" story Biden Winks After Offering To Buy Eggnog For White...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 8, 2009; 08:04 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 7, 2009

I was telling him (filmmaker Mel Brooks) that I went to see Blazing Saddles when I was 10. And he pointed out that I think, according to the ratings, I should not have been allowed in the theater. That's true....

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 7, 2009; 07:48 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 4, 2009

GOP sources ... reported that they were organizing a bipartisan effort to place caps on the number of times Grassley would be allowed to ask women what time they had to be 'back in heaven.'" -- From the "news" story,...

By Ben Pershing | December 4, 2009; 08:35 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 3, 2009

Barack Obama sends 30,000 troops into Afghanistan, and, for some reason, Tiger Woods volunteers to go." -- Stephen Colbert on Obama's troop increase. The Colbert Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 3, 2009; 07:53 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 2, 2009

Anyway, I'm going to go get some smokes, but I'll.be right back," added Obama, his voice trembling slightly. "Don't wait up." -- From the "news" story Obama Tells Nation He's Going Out For Cigarettes. The Onion...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 2, 2009; 07:59 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 1, 2009

Michael Steele was a good attempt at finding a new kind of face of the party, so was Bobby Jindal, but in the end they just didn't represent Republican ideals as well as a 100-year-old dead man." -- From the...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 1, 2009; 07:40 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 30, 2009

According to a Secret Service spokesperson, the uninvited couple managed to reach the unlocked Oval Office without supervision and began "drunk dialing" Russian President Dmitry Medvedev before they were nabbed." -- From the "news" story White House Party Crashers Almost...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 30, 2009; 07:50 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 20, 2009

Everything is so cheap—it's all totally fine like it is, right? Over there, I mean. Why would you want to…do the…[garbled]." -- Addict Reginald "Bones" Dillow in the "news" story, "Heroin Addicts Pressure President To Stay Course In Afghanistan." The...

By Ben Pershing | November 20, 2009; 08:50 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 19, 2009

Announce you're raising troop levels by 15,000, then pull everybody out, then come back with a half million soldiers, in the process convincing al-Qaeda that you're loco and not to be messed with." -- From the "infographic" Obama Weighs Options...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 19, 2009; 07:58 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 18, 2009

Detaining prisoners at the Department of Motor Vehicles, especially in Manhattan, is a clear violation of the Geneva Conventions," said a spokesperson for Amnesty International. -- From the "news" story Detainees Moved to DMV; Could Be Held There 'Indefinitely'. Huffington...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 18, 2009; 07:56 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 17, 2009

That bow makes Obama look weaker than (Karl) Rove's chin. Folks, I've said this a million times: If you want to look strong, you don't bow to a foreign leader. You kiss him on the cheek and hold his hand."...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 17, 2009; 07:44 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 16, 2009

They said we'd never even make it out of House subcommittee, but this bill just had too much heart to quit," said longtime supporter Ed Wynarsky, who along with three friends spelled out "2651" with digits painted on their bare...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 16, 2009; 07:47 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 13, 2009

Hopefully he can bring Sasha back the Chinese currency-revaluation concessions she's been asking for." -- "Reaction" to "Obama Visiting Asia." The Onion...

By Ben Pershing | November 13, 2009; 08:36 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 12, 2009

Acting on anonymous tips from within the Hispanic-American community, U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials on Wednesday deported Luis Miguel Salvador Aguila Dominguez, who has been living illegally in the United States under the name Lou Dobbs for 48 years."...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 12, 2009; 07:55 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 11, 2009

When you go at it day after day and there are no signs of improvement, no chance of success, that is what you have in 'The Jay Leno Show,'" writes General James Jones. "Also, Afghanistan." -- From the "news" story...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 11, 2009; 07:51 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 10, 2009

The Republicans will kill this bill. And the murder weapon? Joe Lieberman. Lonesome Joe has promised to filibuster any bill that has the public option.... Just when I thought C-SPAN couldn't get anymore exciting, wait until you see Lieberman read...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 10, 2009; 07:45 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 9, 2009

And let's not forget that under his watch, we lost the King of Pop." -- Saturday Night Live's "Karl Rove" on President Obama's job performance. Hulu...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 9, 2009; 08:00 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 6, 2009

As evidenced by his epic run on Swamp Thing #21–64, Moore's deft hand with both sociopolitical commentary and metaphysical violence makes him an ideal choice to chronicle my time in office." -- President Obama, in the "news" story Barack Obama...

By Ben Pershing | November 6, 2009; 08:30 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 5, 2009

The only chance now that Barack Obama has to retain the presidency would be to take a page from the Palin playbook: resign, write a book, see if he can get his head together and start working for change through...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 5, 2009; 07:54 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 4, 2009

I wonder if all this will set the groundwork for the 2040 presidential election when Alaskalvanian senator Levi Johnston squares off against the frozen head of Ted Williams." -- Jon Stewart on media hype suurounding the 2009 elections. The Daily...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 4, 2009; 07:59 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 3, 2009

The United States sent their congratulations ... I join them. Karzai is a great leader. The kind of guy you would love to bribe to have a beer with." -- Stephen Colbert on Hamid Karzai's technical victory in Afghanistan's presidential...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 3, 2009; 07:56 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 2, 2009

I'm not really sure what they meant, but Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin called, saying they like this Doug Hoffman guy, but they really wanted someone with roots back to the 13th century." -- "Former Afghan presidential candidate Abdullah Abdullah"...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 2, 2009; 07:49 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 30, 2009

C'mon Moses, let's leave the poorest and uninsured Israelites behind to deal with the ten plagues, while we ride out across the desert on our private camels." -- From the "news" story "Even Lieberman’s Ancestors Betrayed the Public Option." Satirical...

By Ben Pershing | October 30, 2009; 08:31 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 29, 2009

Thousands of Americans-hardworking ordinary Americans like you and me-already have H1N1," Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele said during a press conference. "Now Obama wants to take that away from us. Ask yourself: Do you want the federal government making...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 29, 2009; 08:01 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 28, 2009

Together, we can make Afghanistan into a nightmarish hell-scape Americans will regret for generations to come." -- "President Obama" in the "news" story U.S. Continues Quagmire-Building Effort In Afghanistan. The Onion...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 28, 2009; 07:48 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 27, 2009

As the negotiations over health care reform reach a crucial stage, Mr. Obama said that for his own part he was in favor of "the silent option." -- From the "news" story Obama: Don't Ask, Don't Tell How I Feel...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 27, 2009; 07:46 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 26, 2009

While intelligence analysts warn that Iran's acquiring Windows 7 is a matter of grave concern, a Defense Department spokesman, Tracy Klugian, was careful not to overstate the danger: "Even under optimal conditions, Windows 7 will probably take at least two...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 26, 2009; 07:51 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 23, 2009

Hopefully, the unemployed and elderly will learn from this and next year will go back to giving the stellar performances we expect from them." -- "Reaction" to the news that there will not be a cost-of-living increase for Social Security...

By Ben Pershing | October 23, 2009; 08:21 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 22, 2009

You really have to hand it to Obama, because he handled this very well. He simply said, 'God bless you,' and moved on like it didn't even matter, but you know in private he was furious.... The leaders of China...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 22, 2009; 07:53 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 21, 2009

A jubilant Mr. Karzai thanked his supporters, saying, "By voting for me so convincingly in an election that has yet to happen, the Afghan people have cast a vote for the future." -- From the "news" story Karzai Declared Winner...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 21, 2009; 07:52 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 20, 2009

This uplifting and intriguing drama depicts the life of a group of intellectuals, who risk their life by protecting national security and military secrets." -- A DVR malfunction gives a (mostly) prescient description of The Daily Show. New York...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 20, 2009; 08:00 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 19, 2009

Was there any better TV than ... (Glenn Beck)? Angry one moment, then frightened, scolding, sobbing. We loved him because we've all known someone just like him -- usually an ex-girlfriend." -- Bill Maher on Glenn Beck. Real Time with...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 19, 2009; 07:44 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 16, 2009

"No site structure can possibly withstand that many people typing in all caps." -- From the "news" story, "Republican Site Crashes," about the rocky first day for the redesigned GOP.com. The Onion...

By Ben Pershing | October 16, 2009; 09:14 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 15, 2009

Oh my God, it's like if Joan of Arc and Rosa Parks had a baby, and then that baby won the Super Bowl. Olympia Snowe is our greatest American hero. Sully, you're out! Snowe, you're in." -- Jon Stewart on...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 15, 2009; 07:56 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 14, 2009

This vote is going to raise suspicions, once again, that Sen. Snowe was born in Kenya," said GOP Chairman Michael Steele. "We demand that she prove, once and for all, that she is definitely not Kenyan." -- From the "news"...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 14, 2009; 07:52 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 13, 2009

Is the time difference that great? If it's 10 a.m. here, it's still November in Oslo?" -- Stephen Colbert on President Obama's Nobel Prize, awarded largely for what happened during his campaign and election. The Colbert Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 13, 2009; 08:01 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 12, 2009

I didn't even get a call, as due to the time difference in Norway, the Nobel people didn't want to wake me up. I wish they had. I could've said to Hillary Clinton, 'Hey, remember that 3 a.m. call you...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 12, 2009; 07:29 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 9, 2009

Under my plan, seniors are going to be killed the way they want to be killed, end of story." -- President Obama, from the "news" story, "Obama: Health Care Plan Would Give Seniors Right To Choose How They Are Killed."...

By Ben Pershing | October 9, 2009; 08:25 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 8, 2009

Defense Secretary Robert Gates laid out the rationale behind the decision for reporters in Washington: "If these people could shut down Modern Bride and Gourmet, we have no doubt that they can end this war." -- From the "news" story...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 8, 2009; 08:04 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 7, 2009

Behind the scenes, Joe Biden is advising the president to treat Afghanistan the way he treats Joe Biden: Ignore it until it goes away." -- Stephen Colbert on President Obama and Afghanistan. The Colbert Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 7, 2009; 07:53 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 6, 2009

(Arthur) Killen was overheard saying moments after he explained to Rahm Emanuel that he "had no idea" how a report addressing wasteful spending in the Department of Energy had ended up in the chief of staff's briefcase. "Where is [current...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 6, 2009; 07:53 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 5, 2009

A Facebook blockade against Iran would have serious consequences, analysts said, such as preventing the Iranian government from accessing the U.S.'s profile or playing such popular online quizzes as "What 80's Toy Are You?" -- From the "news" story US...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 5, 2009; 07:40 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 2, 2009

Every four years, the nations of the world come together to battle for supremacy. It's just like war, except the news still covers it." -- Stephen Colbert on the 2016 Summer Olympics. The Colbert Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 2, 2009; 07:58 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 1, 2009

Come back to Friendster. You can threaten the president there all you want." -- From The Onion's American Voices: Secret Service Investigating Facebook Poll. The Onion...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 1, 2009; 07:49 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 30, 2009

I don't understand why the Democrats are rushing this bill instead of patiently waiting for the Republicans to take back Congress." -- Stephen Colbert on health-care reform legislation. The Colbert Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 30, 2009; 07:48 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 29, 2009

I know that some say I have too much on my plate with this health care plan to go running after the Olympics," Mr. Obama said. "But I am more determined than ever to get health care done in the...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 29, 2009; 07:46 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 28, 2009

And we should, er, debate this for as long as it takes," added Creamsicle, softly swishing his tail back and forth. -- From the "news" story, "Cat Congress Mired In Sunbeam" The Onion...

By Ben Pershing | September 28, 2009; 08:18 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 25, 2009

I was like, where's Kanye when you need him?" -- "Hillary Clinton" on Ghaddafi's U.N. speech The Borowitz Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 25, 2009; 07:56 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 24, 2009

Somehow, now they'(ve) seen the light. They are the geopolitical Chris Browns who swear they never had any intention of hurting the Rihanna that is the earth's atmosphere." -- Jon Stewart on the climate change talks this week at the...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 24, 2009; 07:48 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 23, 2009

One, being on five Sunday morning news shows doesn't risk overexposure. The overwhelming majority of Americans at that time are either in church, or sleeping off something they should be in church for. I think those five shows have a...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 23, 2009; 08:07 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 22, 2009

I was president," murmured Bush, his mind returning again and again to the thought of "eight years" as he emitted a series of short, guttural laughs that reportedly grew in volume the longer he lingered on his time in office....

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 22, 2009; 07:58 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 21, 2009

A majority of those white people surveyed "strongly agreed" with the statement, "I don't have any problems with Obama being black, but I do have a problem with him being a socialist from Kenya who is trying to kill my...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 21, 2009; 07:47 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 18, 2009

Hot corn! People are gonna remember this thing. Now I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm not known for any other things. Nothing." -- "Joe Wilson" worries his outburst will ruin him after a GOP plot...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 18, 2009; 07:53 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 17, 2009

I hope in his first speech he makes metaphorical connections between football and politics." -- From The Onion's "American Voices," on Ex-Football Star Running For Congress. The Onion...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 17, 2009; 07:54 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 16, 2009

The 'ayes' have it. Congressman Wilson has to serve as President Obama's butler." -- From Why Joe Wilson Should've Gotten the 'Seinfeld Punishment'. The Satirical Political Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 16, 2009; 07:46 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 15, 2009

Preliminary figures we have here showing over 500 civilians suffered the full force of Mrs. Clinton, and over 1,000 more may have suffered some exposure to her inflexible hair and pseudo-folksy hand gestures." -- From the "news" story U.S. Condemned...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 15, 2009; 07:47 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 14, 2009

Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That's why they voted for the old guy and Carrie's mom. You're not going to win them over. Stand up for the 70% of Americans who aren't...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 14, 2009; 07:50 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 11, 2009

Okay, let's start again-we have the Ohio, and then there's the Mississippi, the Missouri..." said frantic Deputy Secretary David J. Hayes shuffling through a clutter of maps on his desk. "Wait, a river's the one that flows toward the ocean,...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 11, 2009; 07:41 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 10, 2009

President Obama gave a speech to the nation's schoolchildren. He told them that in order to succeed, they need to work hard and study hard. Then, today, former President Bush presented the rebuttal." -- Conan O'Brien on President Obama's speech...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 10, 2009; 07:47 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 9, 2009

- Urged kids to put their allowance on Packers this weekend - Boosted approval rating by promising every kid a kitty - Kept shouting, "Swine flu! Run!" - Tip for success? Cheat off Asian kids - Asked students to, "Work...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 9, 2009; 07:50 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 8, 2009

I believe that President Obama should be accorded to the same 'respect' as any substitute teacher." -- From the "news" story Right-Wingers 'Compromise' on Treatment of Obama's School Speech. The Satirical Political Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 8, 2009; 07:46 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 4, 2009

... the report indicates that Biden told agents his wallet was missing and detailed its contents as a lucky two-dollar bill, a Sizzler gift card, and a Federal Bikini Inspector badge." -- "Vice President Biden" in the "news" story Walletless...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 4, 2009; 07:52 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 3, 2009

In an interview, President Obama said that picking up his dog Bo's poop is one of the highlights of his day. The interview was published in the Journal of Depressing Metaphors for the State of America." -- Conan O'Brien on...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 3, 2009; 08:02 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 2, 2009

A political group is urging Dick Cheney to run for president in 2012. It's a political group known as the Democrats." -- Conan O'Brien on former Vice President Dick Cheney. The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 2, 2009; 07:34 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 1, 2009

- Try to talk to him before he's had his morning heart attack - Reveal plot spoilers before he's had a chance to watch "Gossip Girl" - Leave the lights on in the dungeon -- "You think I'm made of...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 1, 2009; 07:29 AM ET | Comments (0)

August 31, 2009

Under the Obama plan, moyel panels would threaten the most significant cuts that our seniors would face." -- "Sen. Lieberman" in the "news" story Joe Lieberman Claims 'Public Option' Would Force Grandma to Get Circumcised. The Satirical Political Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | August 31, 2009; 07:41 AM ET | Comments (0)

August 28, 2009

I think it's sad that the word 'neverending labyrinth of pain' are synonymous with the errors made by one loose-cannon minotaur who, yeah, admittedly went too far." -- A "commentator" in the "news" story Is Using A Minotaur To Gore...

By washingtonpost.com editors | August 28, 2009; 07:40 AM ET | Comments (0)

August 27, 2009

The only way to ensure that the legacy of such a monumental figure is properly honored is to leave his seat permanently vacant ... which might be a good precedent for all Democrats who leave this hallowed chamber." -- From...

By washingtonpost.com editors | August 27, 2009; 07:44 AM ET | Comments (0)

August 26, 2009

The one way to let the evildoers know that they don't have you all stressed out is by taking all of August off," Mr. Bush told reporters at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. "I always made sure I did that."...

By washingtonpost.com editors | August 26, 2009; 08:13 AM ET | Comments (0)

August 25, 2009

-- Switched from beer summits to tequila summits -- Staffers often find him on White House roof meowing like a kitty -- Announced he's sending an elite military unit to kill Hitler -- From the David Letterman's Top Ten Signs...

By washingtonpost.com editors | August 25, 2009; 07:24 AM ET | Comments (0)

August 24, 2009

When it comes to 'death panels,' we Republicans believe the private sector has the experience and know-how to do the best job." -- From the "news" story GOP to Support Public Option, As Long As It’s ‘Privatized’ to Blackwater ....

By washingtonpost.com editors | August 24, 2009; 07:52 AM ET | Comments (0)

August 21, 2009

"I can't wait to hear James Carville loudly argue against every point in Novak's eulogy." -- From the "What Do You Think?" feature on the death of columnist Robert Novak. The Onion...

By Ben Pershing | August 21, 2009; 08:00 AM ET | Comments (0)

August 20, 2009

Facing opposition to his health care reform proposals, President Barack Obama has decided to reach out to a key demographic: morons." -- From the "news" story, "In Move to Appease Critics, Obama Promises to Extend Health Care Coverage to Morons."...

By Ben Pershing | August 20, 2009; 08:00 AM ET | Comments (0)

August 19, 2009

It's been reported that former vice president Dick Cheney is hard at work on his memoirs. The book will be called 'The Five People You Meet in Hell.'" -- Conan O'Brien on Dick Cheney's pending book release. The Tonight Show...

By washingtonpost.com editors | August 19, 2009; 07:47 AM ET | Comments (0)

August 18, 2009

He [Barack Obama] was known for frequently sending out rambling e-mails with subject lines like, 'I am so excited' and 'Major Annoucement' and 'Will You Join Me?' This is not the behavior of a sane person." -- "Barack Obama" in...

By washingtonpost.com editors | August 18, 2009; 07:47 AM ET | Comments (0)

August 17, 2009

It does seem to me a tad ironic that she's [Sarah Palin] so against killing old people considering she's the one who smothered the life out of the McCain campaign." -- Bill Maher on Sarah Palin's recent comments on "death...

By washingtonpost.com editors | August 17, 2009; 07:42 AM ET | Comments (0)

August 14, 2009

If you have a pre-existing condition of ignorance or insanity, you'll be denined access to the town hall. If you do qualify, you'll be subject to hefty co-pays. And if you start to act 'sick' after being admitted, you'll immediately...

By washingtonpost.com editors | August 14, 2009; 06:59 AM ET | Comments (0)

August 13, 2009

... Warner has reportedly signed up to be placed only on Senate subcommittees that serve complimentary breakfast and coffee during meetings. Warner's behavior on the Senate floor has also changed as of late, with the legislator voting in favor of...

By washingtonpost.com editors | August 13, 2009; 07:12 AM ET | Comments (0)

August 12, 2009

Afghanistan prepares for election day. Or as the Taliban calls it, Bring Your Rocket-Launcher to Work Day." -- Stephen Colbert on the upcoming presidential election in Afghaninstan. The Colbert Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | August 12, 2009; 07:02 AM ET | Comments (0)

August 11, 2009

Whoever keeps tagging me in those grainy Iraq invasion meeting pix with the tequila shots and the riding crop at Crawford ranch, please knock it the hell off." -- The "Facebook status" of "Colin Powell." Huffington Post...

By washingtonpost.com editors | August 11, 2009; 07:04 AM ET | Comments (0)

August 10, 2009

Have you seen what’s going on with these Town Halls? I don’t want to say they’re out of control. But they’re starting to show them on ESPN." -- Bill Maher on health-care town hall meetings that have turned into angry...

By washingtonpost.com editors | August 10, 2009; 06:55 AM ET | Comments (0)

August 7, 2009

Earlier today, Sonia Sotomayor was confirmed as the U.S. Supreme Court's first Hispanic justice.... Or as Lou Dobbs reported it, yet another job gone south of the border." -- Conan O'Brien on the confirmation of Judge Sonia Sotomayor to the...

By washingtonpost.com editors | August 7, 2009; 07:50 AM ET | Comments (0)

August 6, 2009

It is of utmost importance that government maintain openness and transparency so we can better prepare ourselves to be there when Jenny clocks out." -- "Joe Biden" in the "news" story Biden Invokes Freedom Of Information Act To Find Out...

By washingtonpost.com editors | August 6, 2009; 08:00 AM ET | Comments (0)

August 5, 2009

Mark my words China, Japan and United Arab Emirates: The United States of American and all its vast debt no longer exists. Henceforth, this land will be called Octavia. Do not even try to collect funds owed!" -- "Octavius Del...

By washingtonpost.com editors | August 5, 2009; 07:50 AM ET | Comments (0)

August 4, 2009

Either produce a birth certificate, or subject yourself to the continuing rumors that you suckled at a wild canine's teat." -- "CNN's Lou Dobbs" in the "news" story Lou Dobbs Demands Wolf Blitzer Show Birth Certificate. The Huffington Post -...

By washingtonpost.com editors | August 4, 2009; 07:57 AM ET | Comments (0)

August 3, 2009

When I entered the Oval Office, I observed an unidentified black male sitting near Mr. Obama, and in the interest of the president's safety, I attempted to ascertain the individual's business at the White House." -- "Officer Michael Crowley" in...

By washingtonpost.com editors | August 3, 2009; 07:54 AM ET | Comments (0)

July 31, 2009

The department's inspector general has vowed a full investigation, and military police have tightened security around other stores of highly sensitive data, including the file cabinet with all the takeout menus. -- The "Defense Department" in the "news" story Pentagon...

By washingtonpost.com editors | July 31, 2009; 08:00 AM ET | Comments (0)

July 30, 2009

If anyone is both an example of bridging this divide, and can also figure out a mathematical model to abolish racial stereotyping and class prejudices, it would have to be that outstanding young man from 'Good Will Hunting.'" -- "President...

By washingtonpost.com editors | July 30, 2009; 07:59 AM ET | Comments (0)

July 29, 2009

When tempers run a little high, there's one thing that always helps people think a little more rationally: beer." -- "President Obama" in the "news" story Obama Names Thursday "Drink A Beer With Someone Who Arrested You Day." Huffington Post...

By washingtonpost.com editors | July 29, 2009; 07:56 AM ET | Comments (0)

July 28, 2009

Now she has a book deal presumed to be worth millons, and I cannot wait to read it. I believe on the tenth page she decides since the book is going to end anyway to leave the last 200 pages...

By washingtonpost.com editors | July 28, 2009; 07:50 AM ET | Comments (0)

July 27, 2009

Under this new legislation, all right wing 'born-agains' running for president will have to produce two different birth certificates." -- From the "news" story The 'Birther Conspiracy' Backfires on the Right-Wingers. The Satirical Political Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | July 27, 2009; 07:12 AM ET | Comments (0)

July 24, 2009

We all know how the Dominican players doctor their birth certificates. And don't be fooled by Obama's weak pitch to home plate -- it was just another example of our so-called president throwing the American people a curveball." -- From...

By washingtonpost.com editors | July 24, 2009; 07:45 AM ET | Comments (0)

July 23, 2009

Will you look the other way when the President lights up a butt?" -- From David Letterman's Top Ten Questions On The Surgeon General Application. The Late Show...

By washingtonpost.com editors | July 23, 2009; 07:22 AM ET | Comments (0)

July 22, 2009

Last year, during registration drives, ACORN was caught stuffing voter rolls with crazy cartoon names like Mickey Mouse and Steny Hoyer." -- Stephen Colbert on ACORN and House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer. The Colbert Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | July 22, 2009; 07:50 AM ET | Comments (0)

July 21, 2009

Yeah! Where were the black guys during the Civil War?! I'm not saying they all should've volunteered, just 3/5 of them." -- Stephen Colbert on Pat Buchanan's remarks about white men being the only ones to die at Gettysburg, during...

By washingtonpost.com editors | July 21, 2009; 07:58 AM ET | Comments (0)

July 20, 2009

At no point did I say that I was trying to make Mark Sanford a better person," the Almighty told reporters. -- "God" addresses Mark Sanford's statements in the "news" story God Orders Sanford to Stop Putting Words in His...

By washingtonpost.com editors | July 20, 2009; 07:54 AM ET | Comments (0)

July 17, 2009

We already have so many employees and so much money flowing back and forth, this would just streamline things." -- A "Goldman Sachs spokesman" in the "news" story Goldman Sachs in Talks to Acquire Treasury Department. The Borowitz Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | July 17, 2009; 07:35 AM ET | Comments (0)

July 16, 2009

It's hard to believe that Sonya Sotomayor has been grilled for two days straight and the subject of Debbie Rowe hasn't come up once." -- "Wolf Blitzer" in the "news" story CNN Urges Senators to Ask Sotomayor More Questions About...

By washingtonpost.com editors | July 16, 2009; 07:47 AM ET | Comments (0)

July 15, 2009

How will Congress fund the president's health-care plan? Might I suggest looking for change in the folds of Barney Frank?" -- Stephen Colbert on health-care reform in Congress. The Colbert Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | July 15, 2009; 07:55 AM ET | Comments (0)

July 14, 2009

We need technology for tomorrow's battlefield, like the laser that sends a mile-wide skull-shaped area of land on fire, or the cyber armor, so that when one of our troops is shot, his body will keep firing guns while rock...

By washingtonpost.com editors | July 14, 2009; 07:56 AM ET | Comments (0)

July 13, 2009

#1: George W. Bush can't find the hotel" -- From David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Staying At The Same Hotel As Osama Bin Laden. The Late Show...

By washingtonpost.com editors | July 13, 2009; 07:49 AM ET | Comments (0)

July 10, 2009

Don't you want to see a crazy gay Austrian who isn't the governor of California?" -- From David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons To See The New Movie "Bruno". The Late Show...

By washingtonpost.com editors | July 10, 2009; 07:31 AM ET | Comments (0)

July 9, 2009

Obama may want to use the "Zelaya option" (kidnapping a pajamas-clad national leader and flying him to another country) on Joe Biden." -- From the Top 10 Reasons the U.S. Isn't Getting its Panties in a Bunch Over Honduras. Huffington...

By washingtonpost.com editors | July 9, 2009; 07:46 AM ET | Comments (0)

July 8, 2009

... I'm not sure why he was so insistent about getting diplomatic immunity for the weekend." -- "Rahm Emanuel" on Joe Biden in the "news" story Biden Requests To Be Named Special Envoy To Reno. The Onion...

By washingtonpost.com editors | July 8, 2009; 07:31 AM ET | Comments (0)

July 7, 2009

Barracudas know when to pass the ball--for victory," she said. "Or at least they would if they had hands underwater there, instead of fins and whatnot." -- "Sarah Palin" in the "news" story Palin Holds Press Conference to Explain Last...

By washingtonpost.com editors | July 7, 2009; 07:49 AM ET | Comments (0)

July 6, 2009

According to the study, the symptoms of the epidemic include 'bizarre, uncontrollable behaviors" and "grandiose self-ideations,' including an impulse to compare oneself to Biblical figures." -- Research into the GOP yields the "news" story New England Journal of Medicine Reports...

By washingtonpost.com editors | July 6, 2009; 08:07 AM ET | Comments (0)

July 2, 2009

The Democrats now have this insurmountable supermajority. I imagine soon we'll see socialist health care, gun-free cities and, I can only assume, government-run fetal farms and forced sodomy zones." -- Jon Stewart mocking the hype behind Democrats reaching 60 votes...

By washingtonpost.com editors | July 2, 2009; 07:28 AM ET | Comments (0)

July 1, 2009

The court rushed into this decision too soon. It's barely been seven months. Plus, who can trust a court's ruling so quickly after the death of Michael Jackson? No one's thinking clearly right now." -- Stephen Colbert on the Minnesota...

By washingtonpost.com editors | July 1, 2009; 07:55 AM ET | Comments (0)

June 30, 2009

He told me he was hiking the Appalachian Trail." -- "Ruth Madoff" explaining what how her husband kept her in the dark in the "news" story Ruth Madoff: 'This Is Not the Man I Owned Nine Homes With'. Huffington Post...

By washingtonpost.com editors | June 30, 2009; 07:49 AM ET | Comments (0)

June 29, 2009

The Ayatollah said that he had once considered making 'Livin' on a Prayer' the Iranian national anthem, 'but no more.'" -- The "Ayatollah" reacts to a song Bon Jovi will record supporting Iranian protesters in the "news" story Furious Ayatollah...

By washingtonpost.com editors | June 29, 2009; 07:27 AM ET | Comments (0)

June 26, 2009

- Promised his wife he'd be faithful within the 48 contiguous states - Hoping scandal will get him out of attending in-laws' Fourth of July cookout - Made it safe for me to joke about Republican governors again -- David...

By washingtonpost.com editors | June 26, 2009; 07:40 AM ET | Comments (0)

June 25, 2009

- Did I say hiking? I meant cheating - I learned everything I know from Governor Spitzer - If you met my wife you'd be fleeing the country too, am I right fellas? -- David Letterman weighs in on Mark...

By washingtonpost.com editors | June 25, 2009; 07:42 AM ET | Comments (0)

June 24, 2009

Stephen Colbert: "Why would we want to model something after Medicare?" Howard Dean: "Because it satisfies 50 million people ..." Colbert: "50 million old people! You know what else satisfies them? Butterscotch!" -- Stephen Colbert and Howard Dean discuss a...

By washingtonpost.com editors | June 24, 2009; 07:51 AM ET | Comments (0)

June 23, 2009

Nation, these island paradises of Bermuda and Palau are worse than an axis of evil. They're a relax-is of evil." -- Stephen Colbert on Guantanamo detainees relocated to Bermuda and Palau. The Colbert Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | June 23, 2009; 07:45 AM ET | Comments (0)

June 22, 2009

Why hang out with celebrities when I can spend time with people who make me one?" -- President Obama speaking to journalists at the Radio and Television Correspondents' Dinner. Huffington Post...

By washingtonpost.com editors | June 22, 2009; 07:24 AM ET | Comments (0)

June 19, 2009

I ask all of those who consider my wrongdoing to lie an hour on my tanning bed ... You'll see - your ability to tell right from wrong gets pretty darn baked." -- "Sen. Ensign" explains his extramarital affair in...

By washingtonpost.com editors | June 19, 2009; 07:51 AM ET | Comments (0)

June 18, 2009

That was impressive. Of course, he has a lot of practice smacking things thanks to Joe Biden." -- Stephen Colbert on President Obama's fly-swatting abilities. The Colbert Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | June 18, 2009; 07:46 AM ET | Comments (0)

June 17, 2009

The key thing we learned in 2008 is that McCain is beatable.... And our goal is to continue to exploit that, whether he is running for the Senate, mayor of Phoenix, or board president at an assisted living facility." --...

By washingtonpost.com editors | June 17, 2009; 07:54 AM ET | Comments (0)

June 16, 2009

He (Ahmadinejad) was also strong among soccer imams, 68 to 32 there, and former hostage takers, huge group, went heavily toward Ahmadinejad." -- John Oliver breaks down voting in the Iranian election. The Daily Show...

By washingtonpost.com editors | June 16, 2009; 07:59 AM ET | Comments (0)

June 15, 2009

According to the ministry, which Mr. Ahmadinejad runs, the Iranian hard-liner defeated the Penguins by a score of 6-0, scoring two hat tricks in the victory." -- While he's declaring victories, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad moves to hockey in the "news" story...

By washingtonpost.com editors | June 15, 2009; 07:43 AM ET | Comments (0)

June 12, 2009

Some of the younger troops have asked me what the golf club is about. It's partly an homage to Bob Hope, who did these USO tours for 250 years. But I have this golf club mostly because, as far as...

By washingtonpost.com editors | June 12, 2009; 07:43 AM ET | Comments (0)

June 11, 2009

I like my news like I like my coffee: watered down and stupid." -- Jon Stewart talking about "Morning Joe" after Joe Scarborough said Stewart has a Napoleonic complex. The Daily Show...

By washingtonpost.com editors | June 11, 2009; 07:48 AM ET | Comments (0)

June 10, 2009

Earlier today, President Obama spoke at a town hall meeting in Green Bay Wisconsin. Half of the Wisconsin crowd had never seen an African-American and the other half had never seen a skinny person." -- Conan O'Brien on an event...

By washingtonpost.com editors | June 10, 2009; 08:02 AM ET | Comments (0)

June 9, 2009

What I saw at Denny's made me realize how much I overestimated the American people." -- "President Obama" loses confidence in Americans in the "news" story Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's. The Onion...

By washingtonpost.com editors | June 9, 2009; 07:40 AM ET | Comments (0)

June 8, 2009

Look, you never heard of the Thetans starting any wars or hold crusades; besides who better to bridget cultural divides than space travelers who arrived here 75 million years ago." -- Obama takes heat from Scientology in the "news" story...

By washingtonpost.com editors | June 8, 2009; 07:50 AM ET | Comments (0)

June 5, 2009

I would have said all the same things about beginning a new era, turning a page, yada yada yada," he said. "But then, ka-BOOM!!!!" -- "Dick Cheney" in the "news" story Cheney Rips "Missed Opportunity" of Obama's Speech: "That Was...

By washingtonpost.com editors | June 5, 2009; 07:45 AM ET | Comments (0)

June 4, 2009

But the Saudi king seemed to be skeptical of the gift, hesitating a moment as Mr. Obama handed him the keys. "Is it going to be hard to get parts for this?" he asked. -- Obama gives a timely gift...

By washingtonpost.com editors | June 4, 2009; 07:40 AM ET | Comments (0)

June 3, 2009

Congressional leaders have reportedly agreed to meet with rally organizers as soon as a wheelchair ramp large enough to accommodate them all is built in the Capitol." -- The uninsured descend on Washington in the "news" story 20 Million Americans...

By washingtonpost.com editors | June 3, 2009; 07:41 AM ET | Comments (0)

June 2, 2009

I have to admit I think I've timed this moment perfectly. Think about it: I'm on a last-place network; I moved to a state that's bankrupt; and tonight's show is sponsored by General Motors." -- Conan O'Brien's first joke as...

By washingtonpost.com editors | June 2, 2009; 07:38 AM ET | Comments (0)

June 1, 2009

Mr. Bush came to the decision to charge the higher rate for speaking in English after an appearance in Toronto last week with former President Bill Clinton, an experience which he found 'draining.'" -- "President Bush" in the "news" story...

By washingtonpost.com editors | June 1, 2009; 07:39 AM ET | Comments (0)

May 29, 2009

Let's not forget that this is also a great day for Justice Ginsburg, who will finally have someone to bitch with again." -- The Onion's American Voices weighs in on the nomination of Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court. The...

By washingtonpost.com editors | May 29, 2009; 07:49 AM ET | Comments (0)

May 28, 2009

The lobbyist said that his group's 50,000 members were 'deeply disappointed' by the choice of the empathic Sotomayor, explaining, 'We were really hoping for a sociopath.'" -- Obama's Supreme Court nominee gets some pushback in the "news" story Sotomayor Opposed...

By washingtonpost.com editors | May 28, 2009; 07:40 AM ET | Comments (0)

May 27, 2009

Honorable Diane Wood rivaled Sotomeyer in the final two potential appointees. Bordering on tears, the well dressed Obama gave the final rose and golden gavel to Sotomeyer, telling Wood, 'I'm sorry, Diana, you are adjourned.'" -- "Obama" makes the tough...

By washingtonpost.com editors | May 27, 2009; 07:47 AM ET | Comments (0)

May 26, 2009

In remarks to reporters at the White House, Mr. Obama said that North Korea should fear the "full force and might of the United States' arsenal of adjectives" and called the missile test 'reckless, reprehensible, objectionable, senseless, egregious and condemnable.'"...

By washingtonpost.com editors | May 26, 2009; 07:48 AM ET | Comments (0)

May 22, 2009

The history-making arrangement drew praise from Senate Democrats, who had earlier blocked the closing of the detention camp, and from CBS executives, who had been desperately searching for something to spice up their fall schedule." -- The U.S. government and...

By washingtonpost.com editors | May 22, 2009; 07:25 AM ET | Comments (0)

May 21, 2009

Mr. Gingrich ... said that the ability to lie seamlessly is the most important qualification for the job of Speaker, adding, "I've been in the job and I should know." -- "Newt Gingrich" attempts to give Nancy Pelosi pointers in...

By washingtonpost.com editors | May 21, 2009; 07:21 AM ET | Comments (0)

May 20, 2009

When the Republican National Committee meets tomorrow, they plan to approve a resolution rebranding Democrats as the Democrat Socialist Party. The outlook is not quite as bright for their other resolution: to shoot Michael Steele into the sun." -- Stephen...

By washingtonpost.com editors | May 20, 2009; 08:09 AM ET | Comments (0)

May 19, 2009

When it comes to defending America, there's one person whose reality never changes: Dick Cheney. It would've been easy for him to retire and spend his time doing the things he loves: hunting, fishing and head-butting elk to establish herd...

By washingtonpost.com editors | May 19, 2009; 07:29 AM ET | Comments (0)

May 18, 2009

Here's my regret: that I didn't have me a vice president like Joe Biden. I mean, look at those two goin' out for burgers, laughin' it up. I need that kind of VP, the kind that did dumb stuff to...

By washingtonpost.com editors | May 18, 2009; 07:21 AM ET | Comments (0)

May 15, 2009

This is what the people of Detroit have been waiting for," Bing continued before walking to a nearby trash can, setting its contents on fire, and heaving the flaming receptacle through a corner storefront. "Baneberry Heights is a nightmare come...

By washingtonpost.com editors | May 15, 2009; 07:43 AM ET | Comments (0)

May 14, 2009

She's already completed her 2012 presidential concession speech." -- David Letterman on Sarah Palin's upcoming book in the Top Ten Surprises In The Sarah Palin Memoir. The Late Show with David Letterman...

By washingtonpost.com editors | May 14, 2009; 07:47 AM ET | Comments (0)

May 13, 2009

Cuba represents everything we're against: It's a totalitarian, repressive, Communist state that, unlike China, can't lend us money." -- Stephen Colbert on recent talk of the U.S. lifting its trade embargo with Cuba. The Colbert Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | May 13, 2009; 07:55 AM ET | Comments (0)

May 12, 2009

Did he know what he was signing? Did he think he was signing a bill declaring 'baseball is awesome'?" -- Jon Stewart on Dick Cheney's quote that President Bush "basically" signed off on methods of interrogation. The Daily Show...

By washingtonpost.com editors | May 12, 2009; 07:54 AM ET | Comments (0)

May 11, 2009

“People love you — even the media. You guys have been favorable towards the president. You know, it’s funny to me that they never caught you smoking, but they always catch you with your shirt off." -- Wanda Sykes on...

By washingtonpost.com editors | May 11, 2009; 06:52 AM ET | Comments (0)

May 8, 2009

I'm absolutely determined to stop myself before I engage in a self-inflicted high-tech lynching." -- "Arlen Specter" self-censors in the "news" story Dazed and Confused, Arlen Specter Filibusters Himself. The Satirical Political Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | May 8, 2009; 07:52 AM ET | Comments (0)

May 7, 2009

President Obama's approval numbers are at 67%. Where I come from, that's a D+." -- Stephen Colbert on President Obama's approval rating. The Colbert Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | May 7, 2009; 07:51 AM ET | Comments (0)

May 6, 2009

I finally know why Obama legalized stem cell research: because they're going to have to grow this nominee in a petri dish." -- Stephen Colbert on the many gender, race, background and experience demands being made for the next Supreme...

By washingtonpost.com editors | May 6, 2009; 07:46 AM ET | Comments (0)

May 5, 2009

For the first time in my life I know who the secretary of the treasury is," Harrington continued. "And I don't like it." -- Everyone's a little tired of the truth in the "news" story Nation Ready To Be Lied...

By washingtonpost.com editors | May 5, 2009; 07:59 AM ET | Comments (0)

May 4, 2009

The Republicans say that Obama's pick for a replacement is completely unacceptable. And they will let us know why as soon as they find out who it is." -- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding a Supreme Court nomination....

By washingtonpost.com editors | May 4, 2009; 07:46 AM ET | Comments (0)

May 1, 2009

According to President Obama, the vice president will be kept in a sealed box away from television cameras and microphones 'until we are certain that the danger is passed.'" -- "Joe Biden" is put in safe keeping in the "news"...

By washingtonpost.com editors | May 1, 2009; 07:51 AM ET | Comments (0)

April 30, 2009

That actually reminds me of a joke: A Jew and a black guy live in Kansas. They have to move to hold elected office." -- Jon Stewart on Arlen Specter's comments on getting elected in Pennsylvania, with Obama yesterday. The...

By washingtonpost.com editors | April 30, 2009; 07:56 AM ET | Comments (0)

April 29, 2009

We feel someone who's capable of murder would actually be a much better fit for our party." -- The "GOP" reacts to Arlen Specter's defection in the "news" story GOP To Replace Arlen with Phil Spector. The Satirical Political Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | April 29, 2009; 07:55 AM ET | Comments (0)

April 28, 2009

The outbreak started in Mexico, where it has claimed 149 lives so far, ranking it last on the list of things that can kill you in Mexico. Number one, of course, is bullet flu." -- Jon Stewart on the outbreak...

By washingtonpost.com editors | April 28, 2009; 07:49 AM ET | Comments (0)

April 27, 2009

This is a place where fans of waterboarding can meet, chat, and yes, hook up." -- "Dick Cheney" describes a new venture in the "news" story Cheney Starts Pro-Torture Facebook Page. The Borowitz Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | April 27, 2009; 07:41 AM ET | Comments (0)

April 24, 2009

You think America's going to adopt a one-world currency? We still haven't adopted the metric system." -- Jon Stewart on worries from some that America will adopt an international currency. The Daily Show...

By washingtonpost.com editors | April 24, 2009; 07:42 AM ET | Comments (0)

April 23, 2009

Chavez gave Obama a gift, a leftist history book. I realize I'm being triple redundant there." -- Stephen Colbert on the recent meeting between President Obama and Hugo Chavez. The Colbert Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | April 23, 2009; 07:57 AM ET | Comments (0)

April 22, 2009

The new fragrance, called 'Authorité,' was designed to evoke the olfactory equivalent of sensible shoes clicking purposefully down a marble-tiled hallway." -- Hillary Clinton gets her own fragrance in the "news" story Hillary Clinton Launches Intimidating New Fragrance Line. The...

By washingtonpost.com editors | April 22, 2009; 07:44 AM ET | Comments (0)

April 21, 2009

Is it too late for me to buy your senate seat?" -- From David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard In The Meeting Between Barack Obama and Hugo Chavez. The Late Show with David Letterman...

By washingtonpost.com editors | April 21, 2009; 07:52 AM ET | Comments (0)

April 20, 2009

God, sorry I didn't get my law degree before World War I, geez." -- "Justice Samuel Alito" in the "news" story, "Supreme Court Justices Keep Citing Cases Roberts And Alito Are Too Young To Remember" The Onion...

By Ben Pershing | April 20, 2009; 08:02 AM ET | Comments (0)

April 17, 2009

Well, let’s see what these extremists can do after we’ve bombed their cities to rubble." -- A reaction from a "real person" to the news, "DHS Warns Of Rise in Right-Wing Extremism" The Onion...

By Ben Pershing | April 17, 2009; 08:17 AM ET | Comments (0)

April 16, 2009

Let me get this straight: To protest wasteful spending, you bought a million tea bags. Are you protesting taxes or irony?" -- Jon Stewart on truckloads of tea bags at tea party protests. The Daily Show...

By washingtonpost.com editors | April 16, 2009; 07:27 AM ET | Comments (0)

April 15, 2009

President Obama's letter presents us with a classic journalistic quandary," (NY Times) executive editor Bill Keller said. "If we print it, then we're giving him control over the kinds of stories we choose to run. It would be an acknowledgment...

By washingtonpost.com editors | April 15, 2009; 07:53 AM ET | Comments (0)

April 14, 2009

For 130 years, children in frilly dresses have bent over to push pastel colored eggs with dainty spoons across an impeccably manicured lawn. It would be a shame to see a tradition like that be gayed." -- Samantha Bee on...

By washingtonpost.com editors | April 14, 2009; 07:40 AM ET | Comments (0)

April 13, 2009

DAY 82: Although the leather-bound Mark Twain collection is very nice and all, Russian President Medvedev thought he made it clear that he wanted a Predator poster signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger." -- The Onion counts down President Obama's first 100...

By washingtonpost.com editors | April 13, 2009; 07:39 AM ET | Comments (0)

April 10, 2009

I can't wait to see the satellite photos of his face after they make him eat six goldfish, spin him around, and subject him to the aggressive interrogation techniques of Jalaluddin Haqqani. Plus, we wrote 'I Hate Arabs' all over...

By washingtonpost.com editors | April 10, 2009; 07:57 AM ET | Comments (0)

April 9, 2009

Obama added that it was time to put aside partisan differences and move forward with a concerted effort to find what is left of Sentate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell's upper lip." -- Republicans decry Obama's tactics in the "news story"...

By washingtonpost.com editors | April 9, 2009; 07:58 AM ET | Comments (0)

April 8, 2009

According to witnesses, the chairman repeatedly demanded that Sasha respond to the charges before her and refrain from trying to dodge questions by playing with her pigtails, leaving to use the bathroom, and asking what "personable accountafrility" means." -- Sasha...

By washingtonpost.com editors | April 8, 2009; 07:57 AM ET | Comments (0)

April 7, 2009

I can't spell potato either." -- Joe Biden, at the Baltimore Orioles game last night, chides former vice president Dan Quayle for his infamous gaffe. Politico...

By washingtonpost.com editors | April 7, 2009; 07:47 AM ET | Comments (0)

April 6, 2009

-On invitation to his birthday party, he wrote "No Kurds" -Yearbook declares him "Most likely to defeat the American jackals in the name of Allah" -Happiest day of his life: when Ayman Al Zawahiri showed up at his Bar...

By washingtonpost.com editors | April 6, 2009; 07:21 AM ET | Comments (0)

April 3, 2009

Barack Obama ... made history from the moment he stepped off the plane to greet England's Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling, creating the largest black-name-to-white-name gap ever seen at the G-20." -- Jon Stewart on President Obama's trip to...

By washingtonpost.com editors | April 3, 2009; 07:48 AM ET | Comments (0)

April 2, 2009

The road to hell? What is our fiscal policy doing on the Jersey Turnpike?" -- Jon Stewart on Republicans' assertion that our fiscal policy is on the "road to hell." The Daily Show...

By washingtonpost.com editors | April 2, 2009; 08:05 AM ET | Comments (0)

April 1, 2009

'You Spent $10 Trillion in One Day, Just Buy a Goddamn Dog Already' ... at the end, they neuter Biden." -- The title of Stephen Colbert's "new book" on the Obama dog search. The Colbert Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | April 1, 2009; 07:48 AM ET | Comments (0)

March 31, 2009

My piggy bank is not entitled to TARP funds." -- Written over and over by Bart Simpson on the chalkboard in the opening of "The Simpsons" on Sunday. The Huffington Post...

By washingtonpost.com editors | March 31, 2009; 07:41 AM ET | Comments (0)

March 30, 2009

DAY 66: White House Chef Cristeta Comerford gives a blank, puzzled stare when Biden asks for 'Eggs Biden.' -- The Onion counts down President Obama's first hundred days. The Onion...

By washingtonpost.com editors | March 30, 2009; 07:42 AM ET | Comments (0)

March 27, 2009

The first black president in U.S. history, a person I myself voted for, and I don't even know what month he was born? God, I'd be mortified if he ever found out." -- A voter comes to a realization in...

By washingtonpost.com editors | March 27, 2009; 07:26 AM ET | Comments (0)

March 26, 2009

In the years that Prince used the symbol, it was totally confusing and no one knew what it meant," he said. "It should work perfectly for us." -- Press Secretary Robert Gibbs explains the administration's new policy in the "news...

By washingtonpost.com editors | March 26, 2009; 07:41 AM ET | Comments (0)

March 25, 2009

The trouble began when Democratic Congresswoman Maxine Waters caught Senator Mitch McConnell changing a price sticker on her waffle irons." -- Members of Congress go at it in the "news story" Congressional Swap Meet Erupts In Chaos. The Onion Radio...

By washingtonpost.com editors | March 25, 2009; 07:51 AM ET | Comments (0)

March 24, 2009

Ooh, I just can't wait to listen to Democrats! I'm totally going to consider their feelings and long-term initiatives before voting. Pff. As if." -- "Sen. Risch" in the "news story" Congress Forced To Watch Training Video About Bipartisan Cooperation....

By washingtonpost.com editors | March 24, 2009; 07:46 AM ET | Comments (0)

March 23, 2009

The guards wanted to bring dogs along to chase Madoff if he tries to make a run for it, but we felt that would undercut his credibility with investors...." -- The White House recruits Bernie Madoff in the "news story"...

By washingtonpost.com editors | March 23, 2009; 07:53 AM ET | Comments (0)

March 20, 2009

That was the sickest thing to drop from a Republican since Bill Bennett ate some bad chili." -- Stephen Colbert on a mash-up clip of Michael Steele rapping, the "response" to Colbert's challenge of a rap battle. The Colbert Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | March 20, 2009; 07:44 AM ET | Comments (0)

March 19, 2009

I have a feeling that even though they went black, they're going to go back." -- Larry Wilmore of The Daily Show on RNC choosing Michael Steele as their chairman. The Daily Show...

By washingtonpost.com editors | March 19, 2009; 07:45 AM ET | Comments (0)

March 18, 2009

DAY 56: To mark St. Patrick's Day, most of the White House staff wears green, except for Joe Biden, who never makes it into work." -- The Onion counts down the Obama administration's first 100 days. The Onion...

By washingtonpost.com editors | March 18, 2009; 08:50 AM ET | Comments (0)

March 17, 2009

Some of you guys are still stupid enough to be Republicans. I don't get it.... That's a joke. I say to the national press, they clapped, it is a joke, it's not a gaffe, it's a deliberative joke." -- Joe...

By washingtonpost.com editors | March 17, 2009; 07:52 AM ET | Comments (0)

March 16, 2009

DAY 53: White House luncheon guests share a moment of awkwardness when someone says, "Madame, first lady," and both Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama turn around." -- The Onion counts down Obama's first 100 days. The Onion...

By washingtonpost.com editors | March 16, 2009; 07:44 AM ET | Comments (0)

March 13, 2009

Madoff's 4,000 victims include Nobel laureate and Holocaust survivor Elie Weisel, as well as actor Kevin Bacon. So if Madoff has accomplished nothing else, he's now connected Kevin Bacon to Hitler in only two degrees." -- Jon Stewart on Bernie...

By washingtonpost.com editors | March 13, 2009; 07:47 AM ET | Comments (0)

March 12, 2009

Just to give you an idea of a 2% figure the government is okay with, the FDA allows up to 2% of 'insect filth in canned apricots.'" -- Jon Stewart on earmarks being less than 2% of the omnibus bill....

By washingtonpost.com editors | March 12, 2009; 07:41 AM ET | Comments (0)

March 11, 2009

To be fair, cherry picking isn't really accurate. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining." -- Jon Stewart on Joe Scarborough's critique of The Daily Show. The Daily Show...

By washingtonpost.com editors | March 11, 2009; 07:51 AM ET | Comments (3)

March 10, 2009

America's got nothing to be ashamed of. We outperformed Great Britain, Poland, and a lot of the other top-notch nations, but Iraq just wouldn't stay down for the count. It may have come down to them simply wanting it more."...

By washingtonpost.com editors | March 10, 2009; 07:50 AM ET | Comments (0)

March 9, 2009

If I see a kid learning how to ride a bike, I ask myself, 'Does this kid support lower taxes and less regulations?' If not, throw salt and pepper in his eyes and put a stick in his spokes." --...

By washingtonpost.com editors | March 9, 2009; 07:44 AM ET | Comments (0)

March 6, 2009

It's like what Donald Trump would've designed, if he'd decided to keep journalists as pets." -- John Oliver takes a tour of the White House press offices. The Daily Show...

By washingtonpost.com editors | March 6, 2009; 08:05 AM ET | Comments (0)

March 5, 2009

If I'd only listened to CNBC, I'd have a million dollars ... if I'd started with one-hundred million dollars." -- Jon Stewart on the botched predictions and advice of CNBC analysts leading up to the current financial woes. The Daily...

By washingtonpost.com editors | March 5, 2009; 07:49 AM ET | Comments (0)

March 4, 2009

We've uncovered the secret Republican Apology Machine. Give it a try!" -- The DCCC let's you fill in the blanks of a Rush Limbaugh apology letter. Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee...

By washingtonpost.com editors | March 4, 2009; 07:37 AM ET | Comments (0)

March 3, 2009

DAY 40: President Obama forwards the link to the new Star Trek movie trailer to the entire staff. Again." -- The Onion chronicles Obama's first 100 days. The Onion...

By washingtonpost.com editors | March 3, 2009; 07:52 AM ET | Comments (0)

March 2, 2009

So far he is tweeting in code, using such terms as LOL and OMFG," Mr. Panetta said. "At this point we have no idea what he is trying to say." -- CIA Director Leon Panetta in the "news story" CIA...

By washingtonpost.com editors | March 2, 2009; 07:49 AM ET | Comments (0)

February 27, 2009

Just to clear the deck, to make sure everything is up front, I own no monkeys...." -- Rep. Rob Bishop (R-Utah) objecting to a bill to ban transporting monkeys over state lines to be used as pets (Captive Primate Safety...

By washingtonpost.com editors | February 27, 2009; 08:00 AM ET | Comments (0)

February 26, 2009

DAY 36: Realizing there are 489 people working in the West Wing, Rahm Emanuel tells his secretary to stop buying cupcakes for everybody's birthday." -- The Onion counts Obama's first 100 days in office. The Onion...

By washingtonpost.com editors | February 26, 2009; 07:45 AM ET | Comments (0)

February 25, 2009

I don't care how much of a star Jindal is, America doesn't elect somewhat-off dorks as president." -- On Bobby Jindal's rebuttal to Barack Obama's speech last night. Ace of Spades HQ...

By washingtonpost.com editors | February 25, 2009; 07:38 AM ET | Comments (0)

February 24, 2009

You know, money from Democrats can still be exchanged for goods and services." -- Jon Stewart on some Republicans refusing to accept stimulus money. The Daily Show...

By washingtonpost.com editors | February 24, 2009; 07:50 AM ET | Comments (0)

February 23, 2009

DAY 32: Vice-President Joe Biden curses HotGunner79 for outbidding him at last minute on 1970's Navy bomber jacket." -- A count of the first 100 days of the Obama administration. The Onion...

By washingtonpost.com editors | February 23, 2009; 07:45 AM ET | Comments (0)

February 20, 2009

Manny's .396 batting average last season with the Dodgers, as well as his playoff performance, proved that he is as important to this country as infrastructure projects, health care, and renewable energy development." -- Manny Ramirez benefits from the stimulus...

By washingtonpost.com editors | February 20, 2009; 07:44 AM ET | Comments (0)

February 19, 2009

Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits." -- David Letterman's Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas. The Late Show with David Letterman...

By washingtonpost.com editors | February 19, 2009; 07:40 AM ET | Comments (0)

February 18, 2009

While Senate leaders would not release the name of the blood-feeding parasite's original host, many legislators speculated Tuesday that the epidemic started with that one gross Arkansas representative who always wears sweatpants." -- The Senate is sent home from school...

By washingtonpost.com editors | February 18, 2009; 07:23 AM ET | Comments (0)

February 17, 2009

With all due respect to the president, he shouldn't have his arms and feet blocking the aisle," said Boehner, who sustained minor injuries. "Everyone knows he's lanky." -- Injuries abound as "Barack Obama" attempts to reach across the aisle to...

By washingtonpost.com editors | February 17, 2009; 07:55 AM ET | Comments (0)

February 13, 2009

"The position of Commerce Secretary is too important to remain unfilled another day. That's why it is absolutely essential that this Craigslist thing work." -- "Barack Obama" resorts to Craigslist for a replacement for Judd Gregg. The Borowitz Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | February 13, 2009; 10:53 AM ET | Comments (0)

February 12, 2009

Last night I heard [Robinson] call Secretary Geithner 'Honeybee' when she offered him one of her famous chocolate-chip walnut cookies and a mug of hot cocoa." -- Treasury Sec. Tim Geithner forms a bond with Michelle Obama's mother in the...

By washingtonpost.com editors | February 12, 2009; 07:40 AM ET | Comments (0)

February 11, 2009

Hey, it's Rod Blagojevich -- I'll say you're innocent, if you say I am." -- David Letterman's Top Ten Messages Left on Alex Rodriguez's Answering Machine. The Late Show with David Letterman...

By washingtonpost.com editors | February 11, 2009; 07:33 AM ET | Comments (0)

February 10, 2009

Funding for regulatory agencies? Please. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a peanut butter, spinach, tomato and Chinese toy sandwich to finish." -- Jon Stewart on Republicans mocking stimulus money going to federal agencies. The Daily Show...

By washingtonpost.com editors | February 10, 2009; 07:40 AM ET | Comments (0)

February 9, 2009

Well, I'm surprised that Jason was in skin care. That sounds more gay than anything I've done in my career." -- Openly gay Rep. Jared Polis (D-Colo.), when CNN.com mentioned Rep. Jason Chaffetz's background in skin care during an interview...

By washingtonpost.com editors | February 9, 2009; 07:41 AM ET | Comments (0)

February 6, 2009

The Democrats are just taking a page from the Republicans' fear book they found in the vice president's office under a loose floorboard next to a beating human heart." -- Stephen Colbert on the stimulus debate in Congress. The Colbert...

By washingtonpost.com editors | February 6, 2009; 07:34 AM ET | Comments (0)

February 5, 2009

I raised $17,000 from ex-boyfriends - true story! I know that is the record in the Senate, but in the house it's held by Barney Frank." -- Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn.) at the Washington Press Club Foundation's dinner last night....

By washingtonpost.com editors | February 5, 2009; 07:51 AM ET | Comments (0)

February 4, 2009

Blagojevich: "Well, you know, I've been wanting to be on your show in the worst way for the longest time." Letterman: "Well, you're on in the worst way, believe me." -- Former Ill. governor Rod Blagojevich and David Letterman last...

By washingtonpost.com editors | February 4, 2009; 07:49 AM ET | Comments (0)

February 3, 2009

That's how much it would be if Miss Daisy's driver was actually Morgan Freeman." -- Jon Stewart on Tom Daschle's back taxes for use of a car and three drivers. The Daily Show...

By washingtonpost.com editors | February 3, 2009; 07:52 AM ET | Comments (0)

February 2, 2009

Talk about hard times. These days you can't even sell an Illinois Senate seat." -- Sen. Kit Bond (R-Mo.) at the Alfalfa Club dinner in Washington on Saturday. The Swamp...

By washingtonpost.com editors | February 2, 2009; 07:33 AM ET | Comments (0)

January 30, 2009

A year ago my approval ratings were are in the low 30s, my Supreme Court nominee withdrew, my vice president just shot someone ....Those were the good old days!" -- George W. Bush in 2007 at the Alfalfa Club dinner....

By washingtonpost.com editors | January 30, 2009; 07:45 AM ET | Comments (0)

January 29, 2009

Did you know that every single Monday of the Obama administration, America has lost 50,000 jobs?" -- John Oliver of The Daily Show on the long, "disastrous" eight days of the Obama administration. The Daily Show...

By washingtonpost.com editors | January 29, 2009; 07:38 AM ET | Comments (1)

January 28, 2009

Only six days into his term, and President Obama has been kidnapped by Muslim extremists. You can tell they're Muslim extremists because they got that squiggly Arab writing on the bottom." -- Stephen Colbert on Barack Obama's interview with Al...

By washingtonpost.com editors | January 28, 2009; 07:37 AM ET | Comments (1)

January 27, 2009

If the Bush administration was so bad for science, how come the last eight years we went from one to three CSIs?" -- Stephen Colbert on the difference in science policy between George W. Bush and Barack Obama . The...

By washingtonpost.com editors | January 27, 2009; 07:44 AM ET | Comments (0)

January 26, 2009

In case of an emergency, there's a bag of chips taped under the desk in the Oval Office." -- "President Bush" to Barack Obama in an excerpt of the presidential note Bush left for Obama in the Oval Office. The...

By washingtonpost.com editors | January 26, 2009; 07:46 AM ET | Comments (0)

January 23, 2009

I question the ethics of Rahm Emanuel's 'Blind D.C. Gossip Items' page, but it is pretty dishy." -- The Onion's "American Voices" on the new White House Web site. The Onion...

By washingtonpost.com editors | January 23, 2009; 07:50 AM ET | Comments (0)

January 22, 2009

For Mr. Bush, the executive order represents the realization of a longstanding dream that began in 2001 when he declared an official War on Grammar." -- George W. Bush takes one final action as president in the "news story" Bush...

By washingtonpost.com editors | January 22, 2009; 07:43 AM ET | Comments (0)

January 21, 2009

For Barack Obama, the day began as it does for so many millions of Americans, with the awkward co-worker carpool." -- Jon Stewart on beginning of Barack Obama's inauguration day, a ride with President Bush. The Daily Show...

By washingtonpost.com editors | January 21, 2009; 07:42 AM ET | Comments (0)

January 20, 2009

Like everyone here, I expect Obama to deliver a speech to make the Gettysburg Address seem like a series of Simian grunts." -- Aasif Mandvi on expectations for Barack Obama's Inauguration speech. The Daily Show...

By washingtonpost.com editors | January 20, 2009; 07:34 AM ET | Comments (0)

January 19, 2009

Hoods! Blindfolds! Shackles! Chains! Dog bowls for people! If it's used to humanely detain or interrogate prisoners, we've got it! And we're passing the savings on to you!" -- The "Guantanamo Bay Going Out of Business Sale" on Saturday Night...

By washingtonpost.com editors | January 19, 2009; 08:00 AM ET | Comments (0)

January 16, 2009

You know Joe, it's not the size of the Bible, it's the motion of the devotion." -- Jon Stewart on the massive Bible Joe Biden used during his swearing-in to the Senate 9 days before he resigned. The Daily Show...

By washingtonpost.com editors | January 16, 2009; 07:46 AM ET | Comments (0)

January 15, 2009

'President Barack Obama' is artistically written on the top, the portrait is carefully created in a stunning black and white effect and the date of his inauguration is preserved at the bottom marking history!" -- A new addition to the...

By washingtonpost.com editors | January 15, 2009; 07:53 AM ET | Comments (0)

January 14, 2009

Apparently President Bush will continue to appear on as many television outlets as it takes to convince us that he doesn't care what we think." -- Jon Stewart on the flurry of interviews President Bush has done during his final...

By washingtonpost.com editors | January 14, 2009; 07:52 AM ET | Comments (0)

January 13, 2009

... the president informed his top aides that, if he can get back from the inauguration quickly enough, he also plans to place a bag of canine excrement near the Rose Garden door and set it aflame. -- President Bush...

By washingtonpost.com editors | January 13, 2009; 07:52 AM ET | Comments (0)

January 12, 2009

We almost passed a funding allocation bill to purchase a flamethrower and burn the hideous half-man, half-salamander alive, until someone attached a $34 million rider for commercial logging in Montana," Reid said while boarding up his office windows. -- Sen....

By washingtonpost.com editors | January 12, 2009; 07:55 AM ET | Comments (0)

January 9, 2009

Upon hatching sometime in 2011, several hundred Cheney offspring are expected to send out long, slender strings of web to scatter them to the winds so they may one day overcome prey in business and government." -- Dick Cheney prepares...

By washingtonpost.com editors | January 9, 2009; 07:53 AM ET | Comments (0)

January 8, 2009

This is nothing like when Reagan made Fonzi secretary of defense. President Reagan felt that only Fonzi was cool enough to make Russia 'sit on it.'" -- Jon Stewart on prospective Surgeon General pick Sanjay Gupta's celebrity status. The Daily...

By washingtonpost.com editors | January 8, 2009; 07:57 AM ET | Comments (0)

January 7, 2009

It's January, and how hard is it to count to 3 million? You're supposed to be one of the smart states. I mean, if this was Maryland, or one of those states that we all know should be wearing a...

By washingtonpost.com editors | January 7, 2009; 07:56 AM ET | Comments (0)

January 6, 2009

With news of New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson withdrawing from the Obama cabinet due to a pay-for-play investigation, it's now official: the corrupt State governor is the new pervy Republican congressman." -- 23/6 on How to protect yourself and your...

By washingtonpost.com editors | January 6, 2009; 07:58 AM ET | Comments (0)

January 5, 2009

And try to avoid groups, such as 'I Paint My Nails Like a Blind Parkinson's Patient,' that may raise questions about your sensitivity years from now." -- Slate offers advice for budding politicians on dealing with Facebook. Slate...

By washingtonpost.com editors | January 5, 2009; 07:32 AM ET | Comments (0)

January 2, 2009

You're like the guy who shows up five minutes after the apocalypse and demands he get the 4% raise he was promised before the flames engulfed the earth." -- Rod Blagojevich gave relief to more serious scandals in 2008: A...

By washingtonpost.com editors | January 2, 2009; 07:36 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 31, 2008

I outsmarted them again -- how they gonna' reject a Chicago Cub in this town." -- Rod Blagojevich naming Roland Burris, whose name resembles former Cub Ray Burris, to the U.S. Senate in the "news story" Blagojevich Appoints Ex-Cubs Pitcher...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 31, 2008; 08:11 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 30, 2008

(bin Laden) added that the losses due to the Madoff fraud would have an immediate impact on al-Qaeda's financial health, forcing the terror network to shutter several regional offices and to cut back on the production values of Mr. bin...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 30, 2008; 07:42 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 29, 2008

#6 "Please don't spoil this occasion by talking about the economy, climate change, Iraq, Afghanistan, collapse of the Republican party, or approval ratings" #5 "He's spent three-and-a-half hours trying to pronounce 'Chanukah'" -- Two of David Letterman's Top Ten Things...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 29, 2008; 07:36 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 24, 2008

#9 Bed, Bath and Blagojevich #1 Condoleezza's Secret -- Two of David Letterman's Top Ten Least Popular Mall Stores. The Late Show with David Letterman...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 24, 2008; 07:45 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 23, 2008

Learning that the President-elect no longer has a shirt to his name was the last thing these markets needed." -- Global markets react to Barack Obama in Hawaii in the "news story" Markets Crash on Pictures of Obama Losing Shirt....

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 23, 2008; 07:33 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 22, 2008

This week, President Bush hosted the annual White House Hanukkah party. There was an awkward moment when Bush made a wish and blew out all eight candles." -- Conan O'Brien on President Bush. Late Night with Conan O'Brien...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 22, 2008; 07:28 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 19, 2008

This afternoon, the Illinois Supreme Court refused to hear a motion to throw Governor Rod Blagojevich out of office. Afterwards Blagojevich thanked the Supreme Court and said, 'Your check is in the mail.'" -- Conan O'Brien on Illinois Gov. Rod...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 19, 2008; 07:38 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 18, 2008

When she really wants something, she's not afraid to roll up her sleeves and make a phone call." -- Caroline Kennedy's cousin Kerry testifies for Caroline in the "news story" Caroline Kennedy Asks to be Time’s Person of the Year....

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 18, 2008; 07:32 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 17, 2008

I think Bush should do a tour at country fairs where he is in some sort of presidential dunk tank, and then bring Carter out there. He will guess your weight and build a low-income house around you. Maybe Clinton...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 17, 2008; 07:49 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 16, 2008

The two shoes were different sizes, they were fired too close in time to come from a single 'shoe-thrower,' and many in attendance thought it somewhat odd that there was a 'grassy knoll' inside a small room." -- Oliver Stone...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 16, 2008; 07:37 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 15, 2008

It's like, I'll just get a job as a CEO or board chairman or something. My God, quit worrying about it. I'm 62 years old, for Christ's sake!" -- President Bush reacts to his mother's nagging in the "news story"...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 15, 2008; 07:34 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 12, 2008

I don't want to talk about the bleeping campaign. Understand? If you think I'm going to go back to that bleeping situation, then bleep you." -- John McCain joking with David Letterman last night when asked about the 2008 presidential...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 12, 2008; 07:32 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 11, 2008

I wish him nothing but the best, and hope that his leadership will help see this nation through a catastrophic recession, an unending war in Iraq, and the single largest housing crisis in history. Congratulations, Mr. President." -- President Bush...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 11, 2008; 07:43 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 10, 2008

This man has nothing to hide except perhaps whatever is written on his forehead. My guess is it's something like 'bribe me.'" -- Jon Stewart on Rod Blagojevich's haircut, as well as claims he made on Monday that he had...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 10, 2008; 07:29 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 9, 2008

Remember, during the presidential campaign, Sarah Palin was tricked by pranksters pretending to be French President Nicolas Sarkozy. And later she was fooled again when who she thought was British Prime Minister Gordon Brown turned out to actually be a...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 9, 2008; 07:50 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 8, 2008

A loaner is a loaner, whether it's a rusted-out hunk of junk or not," said Dr. Sayid Al-Habib, a noted Palestinian diplomat. "Sure, it leaks oil, and yes, we were probably going to throw it out anyway, but that is...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 8, 2008; 07:35 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 5, 2008

According to Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan, Bush's necktie became caught in the trunk of the motorcade's second vehicle at 4:13 p.m., shortly before the driver accelerated." -- From the "news story" Bush Dragged Behind Presidential Motorcade For 26 Blocks....

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 5, 2008; 07:56 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 4, 2008

By now, experts agree Bush is actually a lame turducken.... It's a regular lame duck, but it's been stuffed with a crippled chicken, deboned, then all wrapped up in a mutilated turkey." -- John Hodgman of The Daily Show on...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 4, 2008; 07:41 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 3, 2008

Despite his formidable legal team, if granted the nomination Jindal will certainly not escape with his soul." -- Bobby Jindal deals with the Devil for the Republican presidential nomination in the "news story" Jindal In Talks With Satan. Weekly World...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 3, 2008; 07:40 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 2, 2008

Stay with Fox News: We will protect you from raging fire, Iranian nut jobs, angry gay lovers and the Jew whispering to the black man." -- Jon Stewart on a Fox News promo's series of images that includes Barack Obama...

By washingtonpost.com editors | December 2, 2008; 08:01 AM ET | Comments (0)

December 1, 2008

Another thankfulness too being that I'm thankful for Sen. Ted Stevens, because compared to what he did and all it doesn't seem like a big deal if you tried to get some dumb old trooper fired." "Sarah Palin," according...

By Ben Pershing | December 1, 2008; 08:00 AM ET | Comments (2)

November 26, 2008

Man, I don't know what Hannity will do without his intern." "American Voices" on Alan Colmes Leaves 'Hannity & Colmes'. The Onion...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 26, 2008; 07:40 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 25, 2008

The Thanksgiving pardon will offically save him from all charges of perjury and from being cooked for dinner." From the "news story" In Thanksgiving Tradition, Bush Pardons Scooter Libby In Giant Turkey Costume. The Onion News Network...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 25, 2008; 07:37 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 24, 2008

I chose Jennifer and Angelina for the same reason I have chosen every other Cabinet member: they clearly despise each other with a passion." From the "news story" Obama Names Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston to ‘Team of Rivals’. The Borowitz...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 24, 2008; 07:33 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 21, 2008

Well, he didn’t go completely unpunished. He did agree to let every Democratic senator peg him in the back with a racquetball." "American Voices" weigh-in on Joe Lieberman in Dems Leave Lieberman Unpunished. The Onion...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 21, 2008; 07:45 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 20, 2008

President-elect Obama met with former political rival John McCain. Both men said it was a relief to put their differences aside, sit down, and really make fun of Sarah Palin." Conan O'Brien on Obama and McCain's meeting Monday. Late Night...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 20, 2008; 07:45 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 19, 2008

Obama is considering Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State. Here we go again with the sexism; pigeonholing her as a secretary." Stephen Colbert on Hillary Clinton. The Colbert Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 19, 2008; 07:47 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 18, 2008

I could save the government millions of dollars in health care costs by implementing my walk-it-off program." Stephen Colbert touting himself for Secretary of Health and Human Services. The Colbert Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 18, 2008; 07:55 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 17, 2008

You don't think I can give a train-wreck interview with Katie Couric? Just name the time and the place and Joe Biden will bring the train!" Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis) on Saturday Night Live comparing himself to Sarah Palin. NBC...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 17, 2008; 07:42 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 14, 2008

If you are reading this, then I have already left your silly country in my private jet, and am right now sipping fine champagne with my lovely associate, a woman you have come to know as 'Michelle.'" From the "news...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 14, 2008; 07:46 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 13, 2008

No reasonable person is advocating that we are going to stop destroying money. But the American people earned that money. They have the right to decide how it should be destroyed." A "team of experts" on In The Know: Should...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 13, 2008; 07:49 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 12, 2008

Since becoming the President-elect, Barack Obama has been getting the same daily national security briefings that President Bush receives. Except when they brief Obama, national security advisors are allowed to leave in "the scary parts." Conan O'Brien on the presidential...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 12, 2008; 07:38 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 11, 2008

- Challenge Lincoln's ghost to rassle - Host farewell mixer for the detainees at Gitmo - Get Cheney a "goodbye" defibrillator - See if Obama can take over sooner, like Tuesday Top Ten Things George W. Bush Wants To Accomplish...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 11, 2008; 08:11 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 10, 2008

Geithner for treasury? Are you out of your freaking mind?!" From The seven wonkiest things you never thought you'd say. 23/6...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 10, 2008; 07:38 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 7, 2008

When informed by Washington Post reporter David Broder that his presidency would continue through early January, Bush stared at him quizzically, sighed, and shuffled silently back into the White House." From the "news story" Bush: 'Can I Stop Being President...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 7, 2008; 07:50 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 6, 2008

A six percent popular vote victory translates into a 2-to-1 Electoral College drubbing, proving once again that the Electoral College makes perfect sense. It's as sound as it was when that shipload of mentally defective orangutans washed ashore and designed...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 6, 2008; 08:40 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 5, 2008

As part of his duties, the black man will have to spend four to eight years cleaning up the messes other people left behind." From the "news story" Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job . The Onion...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 5, 2008; 07:52 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 4, 2008

It might be cash, or a way to fix the economy. One thing's for sure, though—it'd be a real shame to miss it." From the "news story" McCain Refusing To Tell Voters What's In Box Unless Elected. The Onion...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 4, 2008; 07:30 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 3, 2008

Yes, you know we have a lot in common because from my house I can see Belgium." An impersonator of French President Nicolas Sarkozy to Sarah Palin during a crank call. Washington Post: The Sleuth...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 3, 2008; 07:56 AM ET | Comments (0)

November 2, 2008

We've been offering twice as many tote bags, wall calendars, and handsome mugs, but no matter what we do, Obama keeps raking it in" From the "news story" Obama's Record-Breaking Fundraising Effort Bankrupting NPR, World Wildlife Fund, ACLU. The Onion...

By washingtonpost.com editors | November 2, 2008; 11:59 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 31, 2008

Here on NBC, Barack Obama's informercial preempted the new show Knight Rider. Obama is not even President yet, and he's already making America a better place." Conan O'Brien on Barack Obama's informercial Wednesday night. Late Night with Conan O'Brien...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 31, 2008; 07:43 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 30, 2008

Your mother is from Kansas, she's a white woman. Your father, African. Are you concerned that you may go into the voting booth and your white half will all of the sudden decide, 'I can't do this,'?" Jon Stewart to...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 30, 2008; 07:57 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 29, 2008

You know what justice system? Do your worst to Ted Stevens. Throw the book at him. Sentence him to solitary. Nothing is going to break this man. Because he knows he has what it takes to be pardoned by President...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 29, 2008; 08:02 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 28, 2008

What's with the name and occupation thing? Is McCain-Palin looking to rule us in the Middle Ages?" Jon Stewart on the McCain-Palin campaign's use of Joe the Plumber-like labels at rallies. The Daily Show...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 28, 2008; 07:53 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 27, 2008

Our military may invade Pakistan, or surrender to the Chinese. We may sell Hawaii to Saudi Arabia, or just destroy it so it can't fall into North Korean hands. But just reserve your judgment. We know what we're doing!" Joe...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 27, 2008; 07:42 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 24, 2008

I've chosen to schedule this impromptu address at night because, quite frankly, everytime I speak during the day the stock market goes in the crapper. So sorry Asian markets; you take the hit on this one." President Bush (Will Ferrell)...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 24, 2008; 07:56 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 23, 2008

Clothes for Gov. Palin? $150,000. Time machine to go back two months to late August and ask what the Hell were Schmidt and Davis thinking when they cooked up this idea and sold it to McCain? Priceless.” Former McCain staffer...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 23, 2008; 07:57 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 22, 2008

I told Joe, I will pay your plane fare, hotels, all your expenses," Sen. McCain said. "Just get out there and say whatever's on your mind, my friend." From the "news story" McCain Sends Biden to Key Swing States. The...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 22, 2008; 07:42 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 21, 2008

Heard he planted terrorist acorns in Indonesia." 'Thought Process Flowchart: Undecided Voters'. 23/6...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 21, 2008; 07:59 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 20, 2008

Their leader, Varx Polemian, told representatives of the Earth's media that without hard facts, Obama's health care plan is just so much empty rhetoric." From the "news report" Fleet Of Alien Destroyers Demand Details Of Obama's Universal Health Care Plan....

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 20, 2008; 08:02 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 17, 2008

That will teach you to unwittingly come to our attention. Your candid and amiable cooperation with us will not go unpunished." John Oliver on the media's quick backlash against Joe the Plumber. The Daily Show...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 17, 2008; 07:54 AM ET | Comments (2)

October 16, 2008

My friends, I know a good many of you are concerned about Madonna's marriage ... Well, I am here to tell you that the fundamentals of Madonna's marriage are strong." From the "news story" McCain: The Fundamentals of Madonna’s Marriage...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 16, 2008; 07:58 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 15, 2008

Reporter: "Emily Anderson is just 8 years old. But she's already taking part in the political process, helping her favorite candidate, Barack Obama." Emily: "McCain is liar, so buy my cookies!" From the "news story" Precocious Youngster Sells Cookies To...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 15, 2008; 07:58 AM ET | Comments (1)

October 14, 2008

Due to complaints, Walgreens drug store has been forced to remove talking dolls of Barack Obama and John McCain. Walgreens was also forced to remove the real Ralph Nader from the store." Conan O'Brien on Walgreens' candidate dolls. Late Night...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 14, 2008; 07:59 AM ET | Comments (1)

October 13, 2008

... I guess Sen. Obama decided that practicing cursive and learning how to ride a bike was just more important than defending his country in her hour of need. I bet he wasn't even able to point out Vietnam on...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 13, 2008; 07:53 AM ET | Comments (2)

October 10, 2008

Tuesday's debate should have been a home run for John McCain. He introduced a massive, unexplained plan for buying back failed mortgages. And he hammered Obama on the one issue we all care about: the rising cost of planetarium projectors."...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 10, 2008; 07:51 AM ET | Comments (1)

October 9, 2008

Audience Member: You're a hottie! Sarah Palin: Now what does that have to do with anything? From a McCain-Palin rally yesterday in Ohio. The Washington Post...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 9, 2008; 07:59 AM ET | Comments (3)

October 8, 2008

There appears to be a correlation between being an undecided voter and wearing a goatee. Which actually sort of makes sense." From Slate's Twitter feed last night during the presidential debate in Nashville. Slate...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 8, 2008; 07:53 AM ET | Comments (1)

October 7, 2008

They said that Sen. Obama was hanging out with weathermen. Do we really want to elect someone who has been palling around with meteorologists?" From the "news story" Palin Blasts Obama's Ties to Weather Channel. The Huffington Post - Andy...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 7, 2008; 07:31 AM ET | Comments (1)

October 6, 2008

Parents of Obama '08 campaign volunteer Mark Lowe said their son's selfless work for the Illinois senator has shown the 22-year-old to be mature, civic-minded, and absolutely unbearable to talk to." From the "news story" Parents Of Obama Volunteer Couldn't...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 6, 2008; 07:48 AM ET | Comments (1)

October 3, 2008

Walgreens' Candidate Dolls in Limbo The Grand Rapids Press...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 3, 2008; 12:31 PM ET | Comments (0)

October 3, 2008

This doesn’t happen in America. Maybe Ohio, but not in America!" Homer Simpson tries to vote for Barack Obama despite a rigged electronic voting machine. The Caucus - New York Times...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 3, 2008; 07:55 AM ET | Comments (0)

October 2, 2008

I had to give up. This sentence is not for diagramming lightweights." Slate attempts to diagram Sarah Palin's sentences. Slate...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 2, 2008; 07:39 AM ET | Comments (1)

October 1, 2008

I think this unprecedented financial crisis is great news for George Bush. Now this will be the president's legacy and will cover up all the other things that were going to be his legacy." Stephen Colbert connecting George W. Bush's...

By washingtonpost.com editors | October 1, 2008; 07:52 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 30, 2008

The mere fact that you and these 60 million strangers actually live in the same country and salute the same flag seems to defy all reality, yet it's completely true." From the "news story" Report: 60 Million People You'd Never...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 30, 2008; 07:51 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 29, 2008

Good Lord, a startled deer could do better than that," Sen. McCain reportedly said, prompting his aides to draw up a shortlist of startled deer. From the "news story" McCain Replaces Palin with Startled Deer Borowitz Report...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 29, 2008; 07:42 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 26, 2008

9. Sells Alaska to Russia for $700 billion. 10. Pledges to serve only one term. OK, half a term. Slate predicts John McCain's next 10 Hail Mary stunts. Slate...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 26, 2008; 07:10 AM ET | Comments (0)

September 25, 2008

(John McCain) is suspending his campaign to focus on the economy, the crisis. I thought that's what the campaign was about.... This is not a football game where one team goes into the two-minute drill and you're tired now.... You...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 25, 2008; 07:20 AM ET | Comments (1)

September 24, 2008

Marrying a beer heiress brought me financial security and it can do the same for all Americans." John McCain's new "economic plan" for the nation. The Onion News Network...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 24, 2008; 07:53 AM ET | Comments (3)

September 23, 2008

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude. I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America ... A "message" from Henry Paulson making the rounds...

By Ben Pershing | September 23, 2008; 07:35 AM ET | Comments (1)

September 22, 2008

Right now, America needs a prune. It may not be a young, sexy plum. Granted, it is shriveled and at times hard to swallow. But this dried-up old fruit has the experience we need. Stephen Colbert on the presidential election...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 22, 2008; 07:32 AM ET | Comments (1)

September 19, 2008

Boy, I’d like to be a fly on the wall when those two run into each other. Jon Stewart on McCain's alternating positions on offshore drilling. The Daily Show...

By washingtonpost.com editors | September 19, 2008; 12:35 PM ET | Comments (0)

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